This is something I came across while researching Acid Reflux and when I read it I cried. I have come very close to feeling those emotions and I truly feel for this woman. No I have not hurt my son in anyway but I can now understand just how these things happen. It was a real eye opener for me. Hopefully it will help someone else.
Copyright 2006 by Dindy Robinson
THE CRYING THAT WON'T STOP FOREVER
BY DINDY ROBINSON
She's so beautiful! Everything I ever dreamed she would be. I love her so much, and she's mine to hold, to love, and to cuddle...
...Look at her, sleeping so peacefully. It's hard to believe that she's mine, that she came from me. So small, so helpless. So innocent. Everything is so new to her. Welcome to the world, my little one...
...What time is it? Two o'clock? She can't be hungry. I just fed her an hour ago. Maybe she's wet- no, her diaper's fine. Could be some air in her tummy, but I burped her. She's not cold. Oh, darling, what's the matter? Don't cry, it's all right. Mommy's here. Mommy'll take care of you. It's all right, little dolly. It's all right...
Back and forth...
Back and forth...
Back and forth...
...It seems as if I have been rocking forever. What time is it? Five o'clock already? I've been up all night! She's finally asleep. She looks so sweet when she's asleep. What a night! I wonder what her problem was. Maybe she just wanted some loving. Well, I'll put her to bed and see if I can catch a few hours of sleep myself...
...She's getting so much bigger, but she's still so helpless. I wonder why she cries so much. What am I doing wrong? Maybe she doesn't love me. Maybe I'm not taking good enough care of her. Maybe I should hold her more, but I don't see how I can. There are other things that need to be done.
Why didn't anybody tell me that babies cry so much? There she goes again. Maybe she'll stop if I'm quiet. No, she's getting louder. I'd better get her...
Back and forth...
Back and forth...
...Finally her eyes are closed. I am so tired; I could fall asleep in this chair. I think I'll try to put her down-oops, her eyes are open. Shit! Shh-hh, little love. You're all right...
...There, she's asleep again. Stand up very slowly. There are those eyes again! How does she know when I'm trying to put her down? She must be a mind reader! Let's try it again...
...Ah, there, I finally got her in the crib. Now to go to bed myself...
...I don't believe it! She's crying again! She was sound asleep! How can she do this? I know she's sleepy; she's been up for hours. There, there baby. You're okay...
...Nothing seems to work. Stop crying! I'm just as tired as you are!
...Back and forth...
...Back and forth...
...I need to calm down. She's just a baby...
...Back and forth....
...Back and forth....
...Back and forth...
...She's asleep, finally. Now I can go to bed. Poor thing, she must be miserable. And I am exhausted. Bed at last! But she keeps making noises. I hope that doesn't mean she's trying to wake up. She needs to stay down for a long time...
Hello, Thank you for sharing this powerful essay with us. I know many parents of babies with reflux can relate to this. I have talked to hundreds of parents from around the world and often I am asked about this. They ask: Do you ever feel like you could hurt your baby? Do you ever feel mad at her? Does the crying make you feel angry? A baby who will not stop crying and cannot sleep all night long certainly churns up strong emotions. I always tell parents, if your arms and back are aching from holding your baby and you are having difficulty finding time to get a drink of water or answer the phone, the reflux treatment isnt working. It is time to revisit the treatment plan with the doctor right away. While treatment may not stop the vomiting, it should greatly reduce the pain.
Parents need to have a second shift. No one can do all of that caretaking alone. Make sure you have a plan for when you cannot face another moment. Call a friend/spouse/relative. Take a walk-put your inconsolable baby in a carrier or stroller. Take a car ride. Go to the ER or call the doctor. Even in the middle of the night. Put your baby in her crib and close the door for a few minutes. Some parents have the resources to hire a nanny or fly in grandma for a few weeks. Call the church or moms club and ask them to help you out.
I have written a few blogs about crying, when the baby won't stop crying and more. You can search on this site for more information.
Jan Gambino
The Reflux Mom
www.refluxmom.com