Kids and school

By Miss Mandy Thursday, October 30, 2008

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I don't know what to do with 2 of my step-sons. They are failing school. They won't hand in work, won't bring work home to be helped with, and lie about having homework. One is in 5th grade and the other in 10th grade. I am so worried they are going to fail. I push them so they can graduate and go on to do the things they want to do. The 10th grader has already said he wants to go into the military and to college. I really want to see that happen, but at this point, I'm not sure where things are going. It is really rough trying to raise 3 stepsons with ADHD. Plus I also have a 12 yr old son. Four boys are a lot to handle when I am used to just one who gets the good grades and is a very bright, caring, and thoughtful kid. I don't know how to handle things from here. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year. Things can get very overwhelming at times, but we deal with the situations and move on. I just don't want things to get out of hand. M

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another ADHD mom

10/30/08 10:24am

I've been, and still occasionally am, where you are. My son never brought home his homework, or if he did, it was a struggle to get through it. The problem he had was, because of his ADHD, he often forgot how to do it and didn't want to appear 'stupid' to either his classmates or his family. Even with help in the classroom, his teachers often accused him of being stupod and lazy, so they weren't much help.

I got an advocate who could talk all of us through how to set up schedules and use token systems to help him remember his work. Kids don't want to appear different than each other, so his sytem worked through the schools email. They would post the class work along with a lesson refresher on how to do it. He also worked with an older kid in school who became his 'homework buddy'. This gave him a peer to help him, be his friend, and encourage his progress without judging his disability.

Also, making sure the school is giving him work that he can comfortably accomplish will make a world of difference! ADHD kids should be on IEP's that modify their work so they don't feel overwhelmed to the point of shutting down, or acting out. It's an important step to helping them be successful students. Working with them on their own level and being successful at it gives them the confidence to build upon in reaching their full potential.

Hope this helps.

Mothermole

10/30/08 2:34pm

Firstly, I feel your pain ( in adition to my sons having ADHD, I also have ADHD and this makes managing my sons even harder. . . ). It's refreshing to hear that you are the Step-Mother and that you care so much for these boys. They are very lucky to have you as an advocate.

While my sons are younger than yours I have worked with a behaviorist on and off for years to manage their behaviors. Since I grew up with ADHD I know exactly how overwhelming homework can be to a middle school and older child. I used to lie about homeowork to my parents and even to myself. . . To even start my homework was a major mental battle. Because you are stepping into this relationship with your step kids so much later than mine I would suggest seeing a specialist to come up with a plan. Are these kids medicated? It helps a lot when you have the right medication combinations. Initially I thought medicine would be a horrible thing (as if it would deaden my kids personality) but that was incorrect. It did take about 15 months of doctor visits (neurologist) and medicine tweaking to get it right but it was very much so worth it. My kids are actually upset it we miss a does because they like themselves better on the medicine. They say it feels better to have some control of their behavior(with medicine) rather than no control (without medicine).

Also, another thing about ADHD people. Just because they preform differently in the way they go about getting tasks completed doesn't mean that they are "less" smart than your birth child who is able to comply and get his work done easily. In fact, your ADHD kids may be far smarter than your sbirth on but in a very different way. Finding the right job is key to their future sucess. I hated working for other people and found it hard to meet their expectations-especially if they wanted me to go about my job in a step by step way that worked for them. The most sucess I have ever had has been with bosses that told me that I needed to get from point A to point B by such and such time. If the route I took was my choice than I would be incredibly sucessful. Thoses were my best working relationships.

Regarding your stepsons, get their teachers to email you their assignments or send a list of all the work due home at the beginning of the quarter. This causes the teacher to have to work a little bit more but push for that. Also, are the kids on a 403 plan for support in school? Personally, remove (or limit) items of distration in the house like TV's, cell phone, computers, MP3 player. This will make it easier for them to do their work if they don't have to hear/see things that they are missing.

victoriahope

2/ 5/09 8:39am

I totally agree with everything that you said. How do you set up a 403 at your childs school. or a 504?

Shelly Rothschild

11/ 6/08 8:45am

I am not sure where you live but if you can find an academic ADHD coach she/he could help a lot. Academic coaches are involved in a student's daily life reducing a lot of the negative interaction between parent, or step parent and child. Though the coach may only meet with the student once or twice a week, the coach interacts with the student daily (by phone, text, e-mail,depending on the best mode for the student) to "check-in" regarding homework assignemnts, helping a stident stay/or get on task, checking homework sights, teaching the student how to use a daily planner, scaffolding, breaking down assignments etc. Academic coaches may also be in touch with teachers, guidance counselors etc. on a weekly basis (more or less as determined) to help the student 'stay honest" about their challenges, assignments, behavior in class etc. The role of an academic coach is to help the student learn what is difficult for him/her and to come up with strategies to overcome those challenges. For example, doing homewoek and then not handing it in is a typical ADHD student behavior. It is not done on purpose; it is part of his/her ADHD challenge but cannot be an excuse. An academic coach would help you sons to come up with strategies to make sure the work gets handed in. In some cases the coach may involve the assistance of a teacher. (ie. initailly directly asking the student for his homework). It is common for an academic coach to have a "staffing" which is a meeting in which the coach and sometimes an educational psychologist who did testing, translate the learning style and needs of a studnt to all of his/her teachers and faculty (Principal, guidance counselor). This also helps establish a relationship between coach and faculty for further communication. Additionally, if the boys are also living with their mother for some or part of the week the coach and teachers need to know this. Challenges around leaving work, books, and work in process at one parent's house or another or telling different parents different things about homwork jsut adds to the challenges. Clear and honest communication has to be a priorty for coach and then hopefully for the boys!! the most important characteristic to remember whrn highwring a coach is tht the studnet must like the coach; he is your child's advocate 100% of the time; even if the going gets tough!!!

Good Luck!,

Warmly,

Shelly Rothschild, LCSW

Liscenced Academic Coach ACA

I am an Academic coach in the Philadelphia, South Jersey area. I am sure if you post a request for an Academic Coach for your area on this site on ADDITUDE's sight, ADDA and or Chadd you will get some responses.

Indigo

11/ 6/08 11:26pm

Overwhelmed? I am sure that is an understatement. You are wise to try to stay on top of it. As a teacher, who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, I have seen the frustration of my students and their parents in navigating the Educational Journey.

Check with the school if they have in place a tracking sheet, or make up one, that includes homework to be completed as homework, your step sons responsible to put any homework on the sheet the teacher just signs it. Reward after a short amount of time.

I would think for the 5th grader a week, then after two successful weeks, reward every two weeks. The 10th grader Start with one week then go to two weeks. I know if might feel that they lie about homework, but the reality is they "forget", that is why a tracking sheet is helpful to them as well as you.

If the 10th grader has a locker, have him put up a "reminder list," as to what to bring home. This can be laminated, or put in a plastic sleeve.

About 1 week into the grading period write a letter (NOT an e-mail) to each of your 10th grader teachers, sharing

*the wonderful positive things about him

*that he has been diagnosed with ADHD

*what you know has worked with him previously in the class room

*that you want a partnership with teachers

*why it is important to have the tracking sheet signed by each of the teachers.

(If you decide to do a tracking sheet)

*that you are aware of the many students each teacher has and appreciate their hard work.

Teachers do not always get the information that a student has ADHD, particularly in the middle (Jr.) and High School. You can thank HIPPA for that.

In all honesty, the education system is a difficult system to navigate for the ADHD individual. I am in the process of writing a book to help parents to know how to navigate the system. Although 504 plans and Individual Education Plans may be written up, the actual follow through with measurable goals, is weak at best. Rarely, do you see a plan that allows the child to listen to an IPOD during a test or at seat work, rarely do you see must have manipulative in pocket, rarely do you see, allow to stand up instead of seated. Usually these plans deal only with behavioral issues, rather than allowing the child to learn the best way they can.

Although ADHD is acknowledged in most cases, there are some in education, that believe it is just an excuse. I know I've heard teachers and administrators say it.

The overwhelmed feeling you feel, is most likely about a 10th of what each of them feel, when they try to conform to be like others, who are limited to learn things the way they naturally learn. For to be successful in our current system, is to conform.

Conform to the structure, the rules for the good of the masses.

As a family, have fun, do out in nature activities as much as you can. Let them physically challenge themselves. Laugh and laugh often.

victoriahope

2/ 5/09 8:32am

I understand what you may be going through. I have a son that has ADHD. For a long time I could not understand why he did not turn in the homework that WE worked so hard on. I always told me that he did not have homework. Then when progress reports would go home he was failing mailnly because of missing work. That just it with the kids that are going through this. they don't remember to turn in there work. We have to find ways to help them remember to turn things. I tell my son not to put the homework in his folder, if he does he will never turn it in. I tell him to put it in the book that he will be working in. That helps him remember. We have to check their bookbags daily. It's hard work, somebody has to do it. It's not there fault that the are going through this. we just have tobe their advocates. Continue to read more and more on ADHD, it will help you so much.

Kids and school

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