I have been with a man since my son was eight. He now is 15 and the last 7 years with a "step-dad" has been a huge struggle, but also the most fullfilling. Larry, (step-dad), and I agreed when we met that our own kids are number one in our lives. I think we have moved on to "our kids" are number one with both of us, thus we fell in love with each others' kids. Larry also educated himself about ADHD, behaviors, medication, therapy, etc. He has went to many conferences and speakers about ADHD to educate himself as much as he could. Just in case you are wondering...he is very much an "alpha" male, raised in a generation where they didn't believe in ADHD, it was just bad parenting. When we moved in together, he experienced living with ADHD, and knew this was a true brain disorder. But, I believe educating yourself, keeping an open mind, communicating, allowing time for "mom and dad" time, planning ahead, and never giving up on each other. I believe the parent of the ADHD child must be patient with their new spouse, educate them as much as you can, and ALWAYS brag to everyone what a caring, energetic, special child you have...and how blessed we all are to have them in our lives!
I AM SO SORRY, I KNOW YOUR PAIN. YOU FEEL LIKE THE BAD GUY AND THEY ARE ACTING LIKE IT IS TRUE. SOMETIMES THE LOVE FOR A CHILD IS SO MUCH YOU DO NOT WANT TO BATTLE WITH THEM,DO NOT WAnt to see them hurt, do not want them to be mad with you. PLUS THE STRESS OF WORK AND LIFE, IT MAKES IT EASY TO JUST PUT IT ON THE BACK BURNER AND TELL YOUR SELF HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT. BUT, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING YOU TELL YOUR SELF AND ANY ONE WHO ELSE THAT YOU LOVE THIS CHILD AND HE NEEDS HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . THIS DISORDER EFFECTS EVERY THING IN HIS LIFE. HIS RELATION SHIP WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS SCHOOL.WHAT THE PARENTS DO NOT REALLY SEE IS HE IS HURTING THAT IS WHERE THE ANGER COMES IN. HE FEELS SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT, HE KNOWS NOT TO DO THINGS BUT CAN NOT STOP HIMSELF. HE FEELS GUILTY AND FRUSTRATED, THEN THERE IS SCHOOL. THIS DISORDER REALLY IS BAD AS FAR AS SCHOOL GOES. EVERY CHILD WANTS TO BE A A STUDENT AND BE LIKED BY TEACHERS AND FRIENDS, THIS MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO DO.
YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOME ONE AT THE SCHOOL TELL THEM YOUR CONCERNS SEE IF THEY SEE IT , TELL THEM ABOUT THE PARENTS, ASK THEM TO KEEP YOUR PART ON THE DOWN LOW I MIGHT WOULD EVEN GO TO A SPECIAL ED FAMILY WORKER, THEY WILL GO TO THE MOM AND FORCE HER TO GET HIM HELP. TRY TO TAKE THE APPROACH WITH THE DAD ABOUT HOW YOU SEE HIS SON HURTING AND HOW BAD IT MAKES YOU FEEL,TRY NOT TO SHOW ATTENTION TO HOW HARD HE IS TO DEAL WITH OR HOW IT STRESSES YOUR RELATIONSHIP, THAT MAKES YOU LOOK SELFISH AND HATEFULL.
THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH BEING A STEP PARENT IS HOW YOU ARE VIEWED, IT IT ALREADY ASSUMED THAT YOU CAN NOT LOVE HIM,UNDERSTAND HIM,HAVE PATIENCE WITH HIM LIKE A REAL PARENT. YOU ARE SECRETLY RESENTED IF SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE CHILD GOOD ARE BAD. THEY ARE SCARED OF THE RELATION SHIP YOU WILL HAVE WITH THEIR CHILD. AS FAR AS HE GOES BE THE ONE TO BE MOST PATIENT, PICK YOUR BATTLES, DO NOT GET IN A POWER STRUGGLE, HE IS SICK AND CAN NOT HELP IT AND DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IT, HE NEEDS SOME ONE TO LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT BUT HE NEEDS TO FEEL THE LINE! THAT MAKES HIM TRUST YOU, FEEL SAFE WITH YOU, IF YOU ARE WILLING TO TELL HIM NO WHEN YOU KNOW HE WILL GET MAD, BUT YOU ARE DOING IT TO KEEP HIM SAFE. YOU WILL BE HIS HERO. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM EXPLAIN THINGS FAST. HE CAN NOT PAY ATTENTION LONG WAIT TILL HE HAS CALMED DOWN DO DO THIS. CHILDREN HAVE TO KNOW DISCIPLINE IT DOES MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED EVEN IF THEY HATE BEING TOLD NO. AND IT WILL GET BETTER BUT IT TAKES TIME.
I AM SO SORRY, I KNOW YOUR PAIN. YOU FEEL LIKE THE BAD GUY AND THEY ARE ACTING LIKE IT IS TRUE. SOMETIMES THE LOVE FOR A CHILD IS SO MUCH YOU DO NOT WANT TO BATTLE WITH THEM,DO NOT WAnt to see them hurt, do not want them to be mad with you. PLUS THE STRESS OF WORK AND LIFE, IT MAKES IT EASY TO JUST PUT IT ON THE BACK BURNER AND TELL YOUR SELF HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT. BUT, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING YOU TELL YOUR SELF AND ANY ONE WHO ELSE THAT YOU LOVE THIS CHILD AND HE NEEDS HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . THIS DISORDER EFFECTS EVERY THING IN HIS LIFE. HIS RELATION SHIP WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS SCHOOL.WHAT THE PARENTS DO NOT REALLY SEE IS HE IS HURTING THAT IS WHERE THE ANGER COMES IN. HE FEELS SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT, HE KNOWS NOT TO DO THINGS BUT CAN NOT STOP HIMSELF. HE FEELS GUILTY AND FRUSTRATED, THEN THERE IS SCHOOL. THIS DISORDER REALLY IS BAD AS FAR AS SCHOOL GOES. EVERY CHILD WANTS TO BE A A STUDENT AND BE LIKED BY TEACHERS AND FRIENDS, THIS MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO DO.
YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOME ONE AT THE SCHOOL TELL THEM YOUR CONCERNS SEE IF THEY SEE IT , TELL THEM ABOUT THE PARENTS, ASK THEM TO KEEP YOUR PART ON THE DOWN LOW I MIGHT WOULD EVEN GO TO A SPECIAL ED FAMILY WORKER, THEY WILL GO TO THE MOM AND FORCE HER TO GET HIM HELP. TRY TO TAKE THE APPROACH WITH THE DAD ABOUT HOW YOU SEE HIS SON HURTING AND HOW BAD IT MAKES YOU FEEL,TRY NOT TO SHOW ATTENTION TO HOW HARD HE IS TO DEAL WITH OR HOW IT STRESSES YOUR RELATIONSHIP, THAT MAKES YOU LOOK SELFISH AND HATEFULL.
THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH BEING A STEP PARENT IS HOW YOU ARE VIEWED, IT IT ALREADY ASSUMED THAT YOU CAN NOT LOVE HIM,UNDERSTAND HIM,HAVE PATIENCE WITH HIM LIKE A REAL PARENT. YOU ARE SECRETLY RESENTED IF SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE CHILD GOOD ARE BAD. THEY ARE SCARED OF THE RELATION SHIP YOU WILL HAVE WITH THEIR CHILD. AS FAR AS HE GOES BE THE ONE TO BE MOST PATIENT, PICK YOUR BATTLES, DO NOT GET IN A POWER STRUGGLE, HE IS SICK AND CAN NOT HELP IT AND DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IT, HE NEEDS SOME ONE TO LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT BUT HE NEEDS TO FEEL THE LINE! THAT MAKES HIM TRUST YOU, FEEL SAFE WITH YOU, IF YOU ARE WILLING TO TELL HIM NO WHEN YOU KNOW HE WILL GET MAD, BUT YOU ARE DOING IT TO KEEP HIM SAFE. YOU WILL BE HIS HERO. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM EXPLAIN THINGS FAST. HE CAN NOT PAY ATTENTION LONG WAIT TILL HE HAS CALMED DOWN DO DO THIS. CHILDREN HAVE TO KNOW DISCIPLINE IT DOES MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED EVEN IF THEY HATE BEING TOLD NO. AND IT WILL GET BETTER BUT IT TAKES TIME.
My husband at first did not want to accept that his son was ADHD, however when the teachers started complaining that he was always figeting, did not stay focused, stole things from other kids desks and that he climbed under the school tables when he was upset, it helped get across to my husband that maybe there was a problem. I helped get the necessary paperwork for the teacher to evaluate my step-son behavior, and I also filled one out too! There was a psychiatrist within the same building that I take the children too for there yearly checkups and she confirmed his ADHD. Teachers can help and also counselors and finding out as much info as you can about ADHD. Changing your childs diet can make it better also. Limiting the amount of processed sugar and give more natural sugar instead like fruit etc.
I didn't read the other comments but wanted to share that it is difficult for birth parents as well. I have two ADHD kids. Both medicated and doing well. I have also sought out help from a behaviorist to learn how to parent them as they are both very, very intelligent and quick thinking thus difficult . . .LOL! Typically developing kids are fairly easy to parent. ADHD kids argue and discuss and go on and on and on . . . It's the parents or step parents that can make of break that dynamic. As a step you need 100% support of the birth parent you are married to to get the results you need. Without it forget it. I know birth parent who's children are failing in school and yet they don't think that there kid should be on medicine and have some aversion and mis-information about the medications that help these kids. It's very backwards thinking. My sons would be failing in school without their medicines. Every year they go off their medicines so that their neurologist can evaluate their natural state and they struggle in school and their teachers are shocked at their decline and ability to attend to their lessons. With medicines my sons are at the top .01% in the nation in academics - Both in gifted. My eldest is 10 and is at college level in reading and writing and senior level in high school in math. He would tell anyone that without his medicine he would miss out on every other item discussed in school and would have a terrible "base level" of education to build upon. He would probably fail out in high school with such a shakey educational base. Getting through to birth parents is harder to fix . . . good luck to you and your step son is lucky to have you as such a caring advocate-please don't quit on him but educate yourself and him and explain to him that you understand how hard it is for him to focus and be successful and that your trying to help him.
PLEASE NEED HOW DOES A BIOLOGICAL MOM W ADHD CO-PARENT 2 CHILDREN WITH ADHD WHEN DAD HAS NOT EDUCATED HIMSELF, IS IN DENIAL, IS JUDGEMENTAL, HAS USED MOM'S ADHD AGAINST HER LEGALLY AND OBTAINED SOLE PRIMARY SOLE CUSTODY, AND HAS DONE EVERYTHIING HE COULD TO DESTROY BY FOCUSING ON WEAKNESSES. PLEASE HELP ME....I'VE HAD 6 ATTORNEYS, I'VE SPENT IN EXCESS OF $100,000, AND MY CHILDREN CONTINUE TO SUFFER WITH NO MOM IN THEIR LIVES....I BELIEVE MY STORY IS A CLASSIC ADA VIOLATION...PLEASE WHO KNOWS WHO CAN HELP ME.....FATHER HAS PROVEN MY EARNING CAPICITY OF AND I HAVE TO PAY HIM $999 MONTH BUT YET HE'S WON AN ARGUEMENT THAT I'VE GOT SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS AND NOT FIT TO PARENT......HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN TO A MOM WHO ACCEPTS HER ADHD, WAS ABLE TO MAINTAIN A CAREER ON A PARTIME BASIS AND COMMITTED TO BEING THE PRIMARY ADVOCATE FOR A DAUGHTER WHO WAS FAILING FROM SCHOOL STARTING IN FIRST GRADE.......PLEASE HELP ME HELP MY KIDS SO THAT WE CAN MAKE THAT THERE CAN BE SOME COMPASSION AND ACCEPTANCE WITH FATHER AND HOW AM I TO COPARENT WITH A FATHER WHO IS RULE BASED, RIGID, HARSH AND MAKES ACCUSATIONS TO 13Y.O. DTR THAT SHE USES HER ADHD TO MANIPULATE SITUATIONS. I HAVE BEEN IN DESPAIR AND HAVE BEEN OPEN TO ANYTHING BUT THE COURTS HAVE BEEN ILLOGICAL AND THE ATTORNEY'S I'VE HAD ARE NOT PATIENT AND FRUSTRATED BY OUR ADHD ISSUES. MY DTR HAS CRIED FOR 4 YEARS AND HAS BEGGED ME TO COME GET HER FROM DAD'S. FATHER USES HIS ATTORNEY AND LOCAL POLICE TO FORCE THIS DAUGHTER BACK TO HIS CARE. HIS ATTORNEY HAS BULLIED EVERYONE INVOLVED INCLUDING SCHOOL PRINCIPAL, SCHOOL COUNSELOR, LOCAL POLICE....I HAVE GONE TO OUR CITY'S D.A., I'VE WRITTEN COMPLAINT TO SUPREME COURT....MY X IS BRUTAL AND EVERYONE INVOLVED WITH OUR CASE CONTINUES TO SIDE WITH HIM IN THE MOST EVIL AND ILLOGICAL WAYS. I'VE HAD POOR LEGAL COUNSEL SINCE MY APPEALING THE SUPPORT TO HIM AS MY ASSETS WERE SEIZED AND NOW MY CREDIT REPORT PREVENTS ME FROM SECURING EMPLOYMENT. I HAVE NOT GONE TO OVR OR GONE TO PSYCHIATRIST TO USE MY "MENTAL ILLNESS" (known adhd as well as untreated depression) BECAUSE I AM FIGHTING TO GET SOME VISITATION AND/OR CUSTODY BACK BUT CONTINUE TO MEET ROADBLOCKS AND UNNECESSARY OBSTACTLE BY X'S ATTORNEY. I HAVE NO INCOME AND PAY FOR MY OWN HEALTH CARE COVERAGE. I WAS FORCED TO SELL MY HOME 6 MOS AGO AS X GOT POA. HE DEVALUED OUR HOME, LIED ABOUT CONDITION OF MY HOME, AND I WAS FORCED TO LEAVE WITHOUT HAVING ANYWHERE TO GO. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED TO A MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY WHO HAD EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD GOING FOR THEM, THE AMERICAN DREAM, ONLY TO BE SHATTERED BY DISCRIMINATION AND DESTRUCTION FUELED BY WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE A WINNING ATTORNEY GETS AWAY WITH WORKING OUTSIDE A CODE OF CONDUCT AND IS ARROGANT AND HAS NO REGARD FOR MOTHERHOOD NOR WHAT IT TAKES TO ADVOCATE FOR A DTR WHO HAS SEVERE ADHD. PLEASE HELP ME, I AM WILLING TO GO TO THE MEDIA, I AM WILLING TO TELL MY STORY TO ANYONE, I AM WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO PREVENT THIS HAPPENING TO ANY OTHER FAMILY. I CAN'T BE THE FIRST ADHD DIVORCE CASE IN PITTSURGH.....PLEASE RESPOND ANYBODY THAT CAN HELP ME AS I HAVE DEPLETED MY RESOURCES AT THIS POINT AND THE COURTS HAVE NOT HELPED WITH MY REUNIFICATION EVEN THOUGH MY PSYCH EVAL IN MARCH RECOMMENDED THAT WE BE REUNITED IMMEDIATELY AS IT WAS DETRIMENTAL AND THAT I RECEIVE COUNSELING (I NEVER STOPPED) AND THAT IF DTR CONT TO HAVE DIFFICULTY THEN WE (ALL 3) RECEIVE FAMILY COUNSELING....I GOT JUDGE TO ORDER FAMILY COUNSELING (HE SELECTED HIS ATTORNEY'S CHOICE) AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS THERAPIST HAS ALREADY BEEN MANIPULATED AND I DO NOT SEE AN HONEST INITIATIVE TOWARD MY RE-UNIFICATION AND FATHER CONTINUES TO BE FAVORED AND I AM LOOKED TO AS BEING INEPT W EMOTIONALLY LABILE AND UNFOCUSED.....THERE IS NO COMPASSION RE THE STRESSORS PUT ON ME AND THE CORELATION TO MY OPTIMAL FUNCTIONING...HELP ME PLEASE.....
MY ALIAS NAME IS HANNA.......AND I REMAIN A 52 Y.O. UNEMPLOYED MOTHER FIGHTING FOR 4+ YEARS THROUGH THIS SEVERING OF A MARRIAGE AND UNBELIEVABLE AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF ME TO CO-PARENTING IN OUR SITUATION. WHAT DO I DO.....I WILL TELL MY STORY TO ANYONE WHO CAN HELP ME......I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE....I AM EDUCATED, HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE, WAS A CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF SOCIETY UNTIL FEB '06 WHEN HUSBAND WALKED OUT.
SINCERELY,
HANNA
HOW DOES ONE CO-PARENT W X HUSBAND WHEN HE HAS A BRUTAL ATTORNEY WHO CREATED A BATTLEZONE AS THEY POINT FOCUS ON ME, MOM W ADHD, INSTEAD OF MY KIDS. THEY HAVE EXAGGERATED MY SHORTCOMINGS, HAVE DISTORTED REALITY, HAVE MADE X "FATHER OF THE YEAR" BY ALLEGING I HAVE A SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS AND OBTAINING POA. HIS SUPERIOR, JUDGEMENTAL DISCRIMINATION OF ME HAS ME CRUSHED.....I'VE LOST MY JOB, MY HOUSE, MY KIDS.....I OBTAINED NEEDED PSYCH EVAL REC THAT I BE REUNITED WITH MY KIDS BUT HIS UNETHICAL, IMMORAL ATTORNEY HAS EVERYONE ON THEIR TOES FOR THEIR OWN JOBS AND REPUTATIONS.....SHE DEVALUES MOTHERS AND HAS NO IDEA THE STRUGGLES A PARENT HAS W A CHILD WITH ADHD WHO WAS FAILING FIRST GRADE. THIS MOM HAS EDUCATED HERSELF, FACED HER OWN ADHD, GOTTEN TREATMENT, CREATED SUPPORT GROUPS, GONE THRU PARENTAL INSTRUCTION THRU CHADD....I'M NOT HIDING BUT THE FOCUS ON MY WEAKNESSES IS GOING AGAINST ME IN EVERY WAY. THE COURTS ARE ILLOGICAL SINCE THEY USED THE MH CLAIMS TO REMOVE MY KIDS BUT THEY HAVE CALCULATED AN EARNING POTENTIAL THAT WARRANTS ME HAVING TO PAY HIM CHILD SUPPORT OF $999 PER MONTH. MY UNEMPLOYMENT COMP HAS RUN OUT, I HAVE TO PAY MY COBRA, RENT, UTILITIES. I HAVE HAD 5 ATTORNEY'S WHO LACK THE PATIENCE AND COMPASSION FOR ME AND MY FAMILY. MY X WAS NOT INTERESTED IN COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE...I QUICKLY DETERMINED THAT HIS ATTORNEY WOULD WIN BUT KILL ME IN THE INTERIM. I BELIEVE THAT MY CASE IS EXTREME AND ITS UNCONSCIOUSABLE THAT A SYSTEM WOULD ALLOW THIS DELIBERATE DESTRUCTION OF A FAMILY.....PLEASE I HAVE EVERY POTENTIAL HELPING PERSON INVOLVED BUT THEY SIDE WITH X AND HAVE MADE ME OUT THE BAD GUY. I WAS TO BLAME FOR MY DTR'S NOT WANTING TO GO WITH X AT EXCHANGES....SHE CRIED FOR 4 YEARS BEGGING TO COME HOME W ME.....PLEASE HELP US.....I STILL DON'T HAVE VISITATION AND MY PSYCH EVAL WAS COMPLETE IN MARCH...MD REC REUNIFICATION AS SEPARATION WAS DETRIMENTAL.....PLEASE CAN SOMEONE REFER ME TO AN ADHD ADVOCATE HERE IN PITTSBURGH... I BELIEVE MY CASE IS CRIMINAL AS X AND ATTORNEY VIOLATED CIVIL RIGHTS....I AM UNABLE TO SECURE EMPLOYMENT AS THEY HAD SEIZED MY ASSETS AND THIS IS REFLECTING POOR ON CREDIT....I HAVE FORWARDED MY EXPERIENCE TO OUR D.A. AND HAVE ASKED TO SPEAK WITH HIM. I AM WILLING TO TELLL MY STORY TO MAKE IT INTO A MOVIE ABOUT INJUSTICE AND BULLYING AND HOW KIDS SUFFER NEEDLESSLY THRU DIVORCE.
I HAVE SPENT IN EXCESS OF $100,000 AND HAVE LIMITED RESOURCES AT THIS POINT. I AM 52 YRS OLD AND HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE....I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE AND WAS A CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF SOCIETY IN A MEDICAL PROFESSION HELPING PEOPLE. THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN NEGATIVELY IMPACTED AND AFTER 4 YRS OF CONTINUALLY HAVING TO DEFEND MYSELF I FEAR THAT I WILL NOT HAVE ANY FIGHT LEFT IN ME. I DID NOT WANT TO GO THE "DISABILITY" ROUTE BUT NOW AFTER BEING TURNED DOWN REPEATEDLY FOR POSITIONS I WAS WANTING AND QUALIFIED FOR I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO.....PLEASE HELP ME HERE IN PITTSBURGH!! I WILL USE THE NAME HANNA, I'M A MOM WITH ADHD, WAS DIAGNOSED WHEN NOW 14 Y.O. DTR WAS HAVING SECOND OPINION IN '06. MY X USED ADHD AS A REASON TO DIVORCE ME... IF I GOT "FIXED" THERE WAS HOPE FOR US. PRETTY HARSH FOR THIS MAN IS A TOP EXECUTIVE OF A MAJOR EMPLOYER HERE IN PITTSBURGH. HOW DOES THE ADA NOT GET UPHELD AND RESPECTED IN ONE'S OWN FAMILY WHEN I'VE SEEN HIM GO TO BAT FOR LESSER THINGS DONE BY AN EMPLOYEE. PLEASE HELP ME HELP OTHERS NOT HAVE TO SUFFER FROM THE PAIN OF DISCRIMINATION....THANK YOU
Thank you for your question and welcome to ADHDCentral.com.
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. As a mother, I know how much you are missing your children and how hard this must be for you.
You might want to contact the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) www.nami.org and ask about advocates. Since I am not that familiar with the court system, I really can't provide you with any advice on how to proceed or what to do. This organization (NAMI) provide advicacy and might be a good place to start. If they can't help, they might be able to provide you with some names or organizations that can help.
Please, if you reply, refrain from using all CAPS as it makes it very difficult to read.
Thanks and I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know how it all works out.
Eileen
I never new it would be so frustaring at times but my grandson is ADHD, ADD, Sensory issues and other issues the doctor can not figure it I guess I used to say nothing is wrong just very hipper but the true things is that I never seen before and who wants to say my kids well I was one of those mothers and now yes it is hard but when he statrs acting out I walk the other way and he screams and screams and then I go back and just hug him and then he acts like he dont remember what just happened. I am still learning and and I guess as parents will never now exactly what to do but remember it is not the childs fault and try to be patient even if it is hard. It's hard for us how do you think the kid feels
I am engaged to a wonderful man. We have been together going on 5 years. He has 3 children. I have 1. We now have 2 of his children. His daughter who is my daughter's age-almost exactly, is ADHD. I know it in my heart. I have observed her and have done as much research as possible. Her dad is in denial and does not believe in doctors, period. He is an executive and travels. Now that his daughter lives with us our home has become extremely stresfull. There have been times where I do not even wish to go home. My soon to be stepdaughter's mother had her come live with us this past summer. On her visitations with her mom, her mom gets extremely stressed out and can't wait for her dad to pick her up. Since we now provide structure, the little girl has literally begged her mom to let her come back but the mother won't let her.
I have urged my fiancee to have his daughter checked but he is so offended. He KNOWS that he can't even stand her at times. There are times when he wants to do something with his other child and so I have to stay home and watch his daughter. Even he knows she acts badly in places. Spankings and yelling/fussing at her does nothing. She cannot sit still. Constantly Figets. Talks VERY Loudly. Her teacher sends notes home indicating "excessive talking", "Chronic talking", "constant interrupting" yet my soon to be husband thinks nothing is wrong. He blames it on it being a transition period for her.... I do not agree. She has been this way since I have met her and I never wished to travel with my fiancee when he went to see his kids on the weekends, specifically because of her (before she came to live with us).
Thanks for your comment. It is always hard when parents do not agree on a strategy to help their children and even harder when one parent is the "step-parent" and doesn't have any say in what goes on.
Is is possible that you can talk with your fiance about having your stepdaughter talk with a therapist to help her deal with the "transitional" difficulties? Remind him how great you think his daughter is and how you feel she can better live up to her potential if she has help in coping with this new situation. Take the word ADHD out of the conversation and use his words instead. It doesn't matter why she gets help or what type of diagnosis there is, sometimes we start with what we have.
Eileen
Featuring Content From:
By using this service, you accept our Terms of Use. Please read them. The consumer health information on is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. You should promptly seek professional medical care if you have any concern about your health, and you should always consult your physician before starting a fitness regimen. Copyright © 2012 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
First let me say that this is an excellent subject to discuss because I have never seen it addressed before. There is plenty out there about step parenting and plenty about ADHD but I've never seen the 2 discussed together.
I am the stepmom to a 9 yr old boy with ADHD,BP,and LDs. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. I also have a 14 yr old son. My husband has had custody of his son since he was a year old so he lives with us. There have been a multitude of problems since pretty much the beginning. First, was the denial. I recognized that there were issues from day one. I got the most resistance from my in-laws,how dare I suggest there was a problem with their perfect grandchild? The fact that at age 4, he had been kicked out of 6 daycare centers because of his behavior was purely the fault of the teachers. Life in our house was constant chaos and stress. I debated leaving every single day. My husband was clueless. He didn't have any friends with kids so he couldn't make any comparisons. He had no idea there were any problems but he was very willing to listen to my concerns and take my advice. When my stepson was in kindergarten I had to quit my job. He only went to school for a half day and we had 3 babysitters quit on us in 2 months again because of behavior. At this point I had reached my limit and knew changes had to be made or I would end my marriage. Since I was now the full time caretaker I let everyone know we would be playing by my rules from this point on. I set up a schedule for my stepson at home, gave him rules and consequences, got him into therapy, took him to a psychiatrist, started him on meds, and started battling with the school to get him evaluated. And very slowly things started to improve. Things are certainly not perfect here. In fact sometimes they are absolutely horrible but still better than before. Structure, consistancy, and most of all the support of the biological parent are all necessary to make it work. If your spouse is going to get all defensive every time you get irritated by their child's behavior that's a huge problem. Creating a blended family is hard enough but throw some ADHD into the mix and it's about a thousand times more work.
I am also very interested in what other step parents have to say on this issue. I'm a step-mom to an ADD "child". He's 15 now and we just got the diagnosis a little less than a year ago when he entered high school and we realized that this wasn't a case of inconsistent parenting. This was a real "game changer". For a long time, we attributed many of his problems to being a "momma's boy" and to the seemingly complete lack of disciple or consistency in the parenting while he was at her house. It took a long time to bring everyone together and realize that there was more at work here. The high school transition did that for us.
The frustrating part for me is that the more that I read about ADD/ADHD, the more that I understand that the decline of my husband's marriage with my step-son's mother was heavily influenced by her ADD. She now readily admits that she also suffers from the same challenges that my stepson does, as we all learn more together. The key frustrations have been in effectively working with an ADD ex-wife and the ADD teenager, when an ADD teenager OR co-parenting with an ex-wife is often enough to make one go bonkers. The key for us has been to try to stay objective and to build and maintain a parenting "team". You don't always have to agree, but the lines of communication have to stay open and we all have to keep resetting our common goal of raising a happy and productive member of society.