Spouse in Denial - Decide Where You Want to Go From Here

Eileen Bailey Health Guide

    Now that you understand a little bit about the different types of denial and what they mean, looked objectively at your role in your current marriage situation, examined your marriage, accepting it for what it is, and learned about adult ADHD, it is time to decide what you want from this point forward.


    Examine your life, look back on what your dreams were and whether you accomplished them. Think about what you want out of life. Are you happy with where your life is now? Are you working at the job you want? Do you wake up each morning feeling good about your life or does it feel empty?


    Now is the time to decide what you want from your life, decide what has worked in the past, which parts of your life are good and which parts need more work. Maybe you are happy with your job and your children but feel your relationship could use more work. Maybe you feel you have settled in your job, but that you could do much better by changing jobs or looking into a new career.

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    When reviewing your life, remember, this is not a time for you to go rampant, deciding that nothing is working and vowing to change everything. It is not the time to talk yourself into being miserable. This is a time to look objectively, embrace those parts of your life that work for you and your family, embrace all that is good and look at those parts that do not work, not as useless, but as parts of your life that need improvement.


    Make two lists, the first being all that is working and the second being that which needs improvement. After each item on the second list, write down your ideal, being as specific as possible. Decide what you want and what will make you happy. Think about what you want out of your life and your relationship. Maybe your relationship works on many levels, but there are some areas that you would like to work on. Maybe you share many of the same likes and the same values. Maybe communication is not working. By writing down specific items you will begin to form a plan of action.


    Decide what you will accept and not accept from this point forward. Maybe you will no longer accept that you are the only one that drives the children from one activity to the next or that you are the one responsible for discipline. Whatever it may be, write down your expectations, being as specific as possible. Write down what you would like your spouse to be responsible for and what you will continue to do. The more specific you are, the better chance you have of creating a plan that will satisfy you. Remember, later, as you talk with your spouse, there may be areas you will need to compromise. On you list, mark those items that you are not willing to compromise and those that have room to negotiate.


    This step may take several days to a week to complete. It may be that you will go back and make changes, move items from one category to another as you begin to think and reflect on your life. Understand that this is a work in progress, just as your life is.

Published On: January 19, 2008