Parenting Teens and Young Adults with ADHD - A Discussion with Dr. Ari Tuckman

All decisions have consequences. Some decisions will create a harder situation than anticipated and teens with ADHD must learn through the pain of poor decisions. While it is hard for a parent to sit idly by and watch their child learn through pain, it is exactly this type of experience that will help them learn the lessons needed to navigate adulthood. Telling them about the pain they may experience is not enough; some teens and young adults with ADHD must feel the pain and learn life lessons the hard way. It is important for parents to let go enough to allow their children to experience the pain.

What steps can parents take to find a balance between fostering independence and still providing for their young adult children?

As parents did when their children were younger, even as young as elementary school, choosing a few areas to focus on and letting other things go can help. Nagging doesn't work. This approach can allow important topics to get lost in the conversations. As hard as it may be to choose your battles, it is an important step to helping to foster independence.

That is not to say that parents should not have expectations. But parents must be clear on their expectations. Be clear, be straightforward, and keep it simple. For example, a parent can indicate that a child must work X number of hours per week or make X number of dollars per week.

Parents can provide necessities, such as food and shelter, but cut off additional funds for non-necessities like cell phone service or money to go out with friends. These extras may be motivators for the young adult. He or she may want cell phone service enough to get or keep the part time or full time job to pay the monthly bill.

It can be helpful to have an occasional sit down discussion to talk about what the expectations are and the reasons behind the expectations.

Enforcement

Although grounding is not an option once a child reaches adulthood, there are still privileges that can be removed. Optimally, consequences should be discussed when going over expectations. For example, "We expect you to do XYZ. If you do not, ABC will happen."

Rationale is important in setting up the household rules but doesn't need to be there when enforcing the rules. Stating to your child in a calm, neutral way can also help. "You have not paid for your cell phone, therefore, it will be cut off as of today." Your child should already know how much the cell phone bill is and when it was due. If you have not received the money for the bill, the consequence is that the privilege is rescinded.

Parents need to be calm and matter of fact, not emotional. When parents are emotional, the message gets lost and children only hear that you sound crazy.

What To Do When Your Child Can't Seem to Hold a Job

There are two completely different reasons for not being able to stay at a job. The first is when someone is fired because of lack of ability or skills. When this happens, talk with your child about what happened. Ask why it didn't work out and help your child find ways to improve or gain skills. If that is not possible right now, talk about what other types of job he or she may be able to complete based on their existing skills. Many times our children do not really understand themselves at this point in their life and may end up taking jobs that are not right for them.