Friday, March 12, 2010
My 14 year old daughter and husband have ADHD. My daughter has been officially diagnosed, my husband, has not. My daughter is a gorgeous kind caring girl mostly when medicated, but almost unbearable when not, making the beginning and end of the day exhausting. My daughter has developed a type of OCD in the past 6 months where she cannot stand mess. By mess I mean even her younger sister do her homework with coloured pencils spilled out of pencil case. She gets very angry if she arrives home to find the kitchen bench is a working mess. Can't stand utensils out. Even asked whether we could buy takeaway so that we don't have to dirty plates! Her constant anxiousness when the family is together (morning and night) before medication kicks is very difficult to live with. They say there is a fine line between love and hate. This statement is very true. Of course I love her, but I have often described her as a "prickly cactus" at home yet outside the house (usually when medicated) others describe her as once of the sweetest, most caring and kind people they know.
My husband is very much the same. A workaholic, never sits down and is very excitable outside the house, yet increasingly intolerant at home. Was diagnosed the anorexia in early teens, and has always had a tendency to diet, even though exercises regularly and never overweight. Others seem him as a "laugh a minute", yet I know the energy this involves and at times resent the efforts he makes for others, then retreats at home (exhausted). Also extremely kind, caring and giving often to the detriment of his family. Will not seek medical attention and denies similarities with daughter.
I am keen to speak to others in a similar situation. It would be nice to know others are similar daily experiences, as ADHD can be isolating for family members. My daughter, dubbed 'Cinderella' (turns from rags to riches after taking medication and then back again), was only diagnosed aged 10 years. At this point Cinderella didn't want any of her friends knowing (so we all live in a secret hell). Close family members are aware.
I look forward to hearing from others
Thank you for your post and welcome to ADHDCentral.com.
As a parent of a grown son with ADHD (and depression/bipolar disorder), I can certainly relate to feeling exhausted at the end of the day. I know how much energy managing your children' symptoms can take and how much each day can drain you. I want you to know you are not alone. Remember, our children do eventually grow up. There are days, I am sure, that you feel your daughter isn't going to ever be able to take care of herself, but that day will come.
When my son was a teen, we had what we called the "Bailey Bible." It was a notebook that contained all of the household rules, along with consequences for not following the rules and rewards for following them. This included attitude, following directions, household chores, homework, etc. This helped in several ways. It helped because my son knew exactly what was expected of him (for example, we broke down the chores with checklists), when it was expected and what would happen if he did not follow the rules. We rewarded him for following rules for a certain amount of time.
For more information on managing teens with ADHD:
Raising a Teen with ADHD
When Teens with ADHD are Defiant
Parenting Teens with ADHD - A Discussion with Dr. Ari Tuckman
Creating a Discipline Plan
Please remember that you are the parent and have a right to state what you will and will not accept in your home. Even though your daughter has OCD and has a difficult time tolerate messes, she also needs to understand she is not the only one in the household and other family members have a right to live in the house as well. Helping her develop strategies for coping with her feelings is important. She may find working with a therapist to be helpful.
As far as your husband, I previously wrote a series of articles discussing the concept of "spouse denial." I think some of the information may be helpful. On the last page of the following link you will find a list of several different posts to help you understand and cope with the undiagnosed ADHD.
Spouse Denial
I hope this information helps. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Eileen
Thank you so much for your support.
Only the parent of an ADHD child fully understands to marathon that is run every single day. I appreciate your comments on the other family members have equal rights to a peaceful home. This something I fight for everyday.
You are so right. There have been more times in my life than I can count where I tried to explain to others what a challenge making it through the day could be when my son was young. It was impossible for others to understand. It was always good to talk with someone that was in the same situation and I knew he or she could understand and would not judge me.
Know you are understood, never judged and always welcome at ADHDCentral.com. Please tell us more about your story and please, read some of the questions and posts and offer your perspective.
Eileen