Hey Melissajane,

With the diagnosis of AD/HD, there's a grieving process that we all go through. It can be a really confusing time. We've all been there.

I know you're really frustrated right now. For a moment though, I'd like you to pause and reflect on whether or not your interests are being served by posting your picture on the forum right now. Perhaps you'd like just a little more anonymity. Whatever you decide to do is fine with me. I just want you to think about it.

And what I most want you to know is that you're not alone. We're here for you.

When I was first diagnosed with AD/HD at age 29, my son was just a toddler. I hadn't worked in ten years. I had spent years in and out of college with little to show for it. I had friends but no close friend. And I was having a hard time keeping up with my duties at home. I felt like such a failure. About that time my father passed away and I decided to use part of my inheritance to find out if I was stupid or crazy.

I looked up psychologists in the yellow pages and found a "clinical and school psychologist". How perfect. A two for one deal. That covered both stupid and crazy.

I called and set up an appointment. As luck would have it, she was the only psychologist who diagnosed adult AD/HD in our community at that time.

I'm trying to remember how I felt when I heard the diagnosis. I'm not sure. It's been a long time. I think relief mostly.

It was spring or early summer. I saw the psychologist for six sessions, but she kept telling me that my problems were due to my father. This was confusing because, my father had just passed away and I didn't feel that way. I later learned that it was actually the psychologist who had issues with her father.

Later that fall I became depressed and saw a psychiatrist for medication. My emotions were all over the place. And my thinking processes were a jumbled mess. The medication helped in some ways but made me worse in other ways. Months would pass before I began to feel any sense of normalcy again. However, by the following spring I still didn't feel like much in my life had changed.

I was so frustrated.

At that time, there were only a couple of adult AD/HD books published. I read Wender's book on adult AD/HD and somehow I got my hands on two newsletters for AD/HD adults. I also participated on one of the first discussion forums for adult AD/HD on Prodigy. I learned that support groups for AD/HD adults were just beginning to form around the country. That fall I started my support group. That's when things began to get better...finally.

Ten people came to that first meeting. And you know what, they didn't look like failures at all to me. In fact, many were quite successful. And the best part was that I no longer felt alone. They spoke my language. I had found "my people".

We were all so different yet the same. We laughed, we cried. We interrupted each other. We finished each others sentences. We thought nothing of bouncing from topic to topic. We had our first national conference for AD/HD adults and I was there. I met AD/HD adults from all over the country. We talked for eighteen to twenty hours a day for three days. It was exhilarating. A few years later, I met a woman who became my best friend.

But you know, the thing that helped me the most during that time is that I finally found a therapist who I really connected with. She spent a year and a half with me as I sorted and began making sense of my emotions and experiences. I cried big tears during some of those sessions. Sometimes we delved into the past, other times we focused on more day-to-day challenges.

The funny thing about AD/HD is that when you're first diagnosed you think you don't know who you are any more, but later you find out that you've always known who you are. You're you. You were just lost and confused for a little while.

My therapist anchored me, listened to me, and encouraged me. I left the process with a new found sense of self-respect and the belief that I had something to contribute and that I needed to keep putting myself out there.

That was almost eighteen years ago. My son's in college now. I never went back to school, but I'm working now in two jobs that I enjoy. And I'm still married to the man with whom I felt deeply frustrated with at times.

Melissajane, I promise you, you've got a lot to look forward to, you just don't know it yet. I know it's rough right now. Hang on. You're going to get through this. We did. And you will too. Keep posting. We're listening. We're here for you.

And before I go, I'll tell you a little secret. Sometimes the best thing you can do when you're having a really bad day, is hit the reset button. By that I mean, do what you have to do to finish the day, then go to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow will be the start of a new day, with new possibilities. You never know where the day will take you.

Grandma Lise

Hey Melissa,

I was afraid my comment wouldn't land well...so sorry. I really didn't intend to offend you in anyway. It's a very nice picture. I debated whether or not to express my concern for some time last night. 

It's highly unlikely, but there is a slight possibility that someone who lives in your community will find your picture on the forum and read every intimate detail that you've posted about yourself, your family, and your friends. Now if that happens, that person most likely will be both relieved and excited to learn that someone in their community is struggling as much as they are. They may even reach out to you and you might help each other.

That said, there are also a few people out there who are not nice. That's all. 

What's so wonderful about public forums with specific focuses such as AD/HD is that they provide us opportunities to share information about ourselves that we might not share with our closest friends. And it offers us opportunities to learn from one another.

My adult son would be devastated if he knew I mentioned on this forum that he had a psychotic break two years ago. By not posting my picture or my name, I am doing what I can to protect my privacy, and more importantly, my family's privacy.

I am very sorry I upset you. I appreciate your honesty and your openness Melissajane. I'm glad you're continuing to post on the forum.

Your posts are helping someone out there. Most people don't post, they just read posts. You may not realize it, but you have an audience. And some of those people may be checking back each day to see how you're doing. We're all learning from you and from the people who post in response to your posts. Thanks for asking me to clarify my concern.

If after reading this clarification, you are still upset with me, at your request, I will stop reading and responding to your posts. My intention is to support, not to impose my value systems on you. I won't be offended in anyway. Promise.

Grandma Lise

Hey Melissajane,

Glad you're here. You and Stardust have made me feel welcome. I'm going to try to write my first share post in the next two days.

Grandma Lise