I give up!

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Fri, March 14, 2008

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Ok so I guess I just can't use ADHD as a excuess anymore for me. I can't make excusess anymore for myself. I have runied everyone's lives I have touched! I am a sucky mother/wife/homemaker/and with our finances. I have screwed my family generaly over and over. I am done I give up!!

I guess we are in the hole now and we just got taxes back. I spent it all on crap as my husband would say. We have to pay for his car to get fixed and we r behind already.

I have runined his life. He goes to work and things suck, comes home and the house is a mess and it sucks, checks out his finances and it sucks! Also I don't like him enough to want to be physical with him. All I want is someone to do things for me help me with the kids and listen to me. So why don't I just go talk to my mom. It will be better anyway cuz then I don't have to worry about anything physical with my spouse. So I don't love my husband, I can't keep the house clean for him, he has no money, and his kids are not getting the best care they could from there mother because I let them run a muck around the house and get into everything and break things. Ok so what is good about me??

I grew up messing up my parents lives because I was the unruley child. I was the middle child. Older sister's picked on my and treated me like a baby because I was the younger child. Then I had a sister 6 years later and I was too old to hang around her and my little brother who came 2 years after her. They spent all their time together and went to High school together and had all the same friends. My older sister's did a lot together also. I remember one time my sister's and my oldest sisters boyfriend where going out to a movie with her boyfriends sister. So I wanted to go right?? They acted like I was this baby they had to take with them I was 14 I think. I just wanted to hang out someone. My whole freaking life I have felt alone alone alone. I am not good enough for my family not good enough for my kids not good enough for my husband. I remember when I was little I had a sleeping problem at night because I thought my parents where going to leave if I went to slepp. I had a fear of abondonemt because I was not living up to what they wanted. Like they did not want me? Right?? I have always felt left out of everything my whole like. I just can't be good enough for anyone!!

I had a good talk with the theripist about this. My husband thinks the whole thing is a waste because I get to go talk about my feelings and how awful my life is but who does he get to talk to? The only person he has to vent to and talk to is the problem and he feels like he is talking to a brick wall. Well when he says this stuff to me and tears me down like this ok what do I want to say back to him??? I mean what can I say that will even change anything??

I can't make it better for him I can't change it by saying something. My husband does not trust me does not believe what I say to him most of the time anyway. So he can be upset with me and feel like crap because I am this awful person but I can't because I have no reason. I get to sit around all day watch tv play on the computer and then change a diaper here and there and feed the kids.

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Stardust

3/14/08 12:52pm

Melissajane, you are going through a tough time right now. Can your husband go talk to a therapist by himself? I think that would help him from tearing you down. I can't remember, do you take medication? I don't think it's working any longer especially since you spent the tax refund. It's not a good situation, but it will pass if you get the right medication in your system. Wish I could do more hun. Love, Ruth.

grandma lise

3/15/08 12:41am

Hey Melissajane,

You sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. I know it's rough. I'm glad you're continuing to see the counselor.

A few weeks ago, I emailed you "Rules of Fair Fighting". Did you get a chance to read them? Were they helpful at all?

If you didn't receive them, and would like another copy, I'd be happy to email them to you again.

Grandma Lise

Terry Matlen, ACSW

3/15/08 1:14am

Melissajane,

I am really sorry to hear of your troubles. You sound like you're really stumbling right now and are not getting the support you need. Y'know, I would suspect that your husband has his own set of problems. In fact, by the way you are describing the situation there, it sounds like he has a lot of issues and that perhaps you are the target for whatever it is that's bothering him. And you are allowing him to throw these arrows and you AND agreeing with him that it is all you.

I doubt this to be true.

He married you for a reason and it wasn't to just take care of kids and to have sex. He saw something in you that he loved. And I believe that love is still there. Your problems are getting entangled with his and you're taking all the blame for this. Why is that?

His anger/jealousy at your seeing a therapist is unfounded and immature. He can just as easily pick up the phone and get help for himself.

My advice is that you ask your therapist if she can see you with your husband- you two are in crisis and it cannot wait. If she's uncomfortable with this, ask her for a referral for either couples counseling or for someone he can see alone (I strongly feel you two need to be seen together).

I'm also wondering if your ADHD treatment is effective. Without the proper things in place, ADHD can blow things apart when there are lots of stressors.

Your family history is coming back and biting you in the butt. I hope you can put those years in perspective and learn about all the wonderful things about you (yes, they are there if you let yourself look at them).

Don't wait- get on the phone and tell your therapist you need to see her more frequently while in this crisis mode and that your husband needs to be part of the therapy.

Hang in there!

Terry

urbanscrapper

3/15/08 4:11am

I READ THIS & I AM CRYING BECAUSE.i AM YOU.

IT IS 12 AM ,THE KITCHEN IS DIRTY, MY HOUSE IS A WRECK.MY HUSBAND IS IN THE BED ALONE AND I DON'T NO WHAT THE KIDS ATE.

Vicki M

3/17/08 1:15pm

Hi MelissaJane,

There's a whole room full of people here reaching out to hug you. Yes you are having a tough time in your life right now, and while you might be responsible for not doing the dishes or washing a load of clothes, you are not responsible for ruining anyone's life.

So first of all, I want you to work with me here for minute. Follow me:

1. breathe in

2. breathe out

3. repeat over and over.......... keep breathing.............come on........I know this sounds silly, but it does work. Once you are comfortable doing this, then lets take everything else one step at a time.

You have some great resources here in the people on this forum. They have given you wonderful informative advice. Terry Matlen is a psychotherapist as well as fellow ADHD sufferer. She has advised you well. Get some face time with your counselor/doctor with your husband. Your counselor will help your husband understand what you are going through and possibly get him to soften up from his point of view. I feel that people who act like your husband is come from two positions, either they have issues of their own and they are transferring the blame, or they just don't understand that the issues you have are real and are important to resolve. Perhaps your counselor can help him understand your issues and help dispell concerns he has.

Here are a couple links you might show to your husband as well. They explain what ADHD is, how it can affect a person and what the outward symptoms are.

You also have the support and understanding of many people just like you who live with this everyday. Stardust and Grandma Lise are two women who really are empathetic and offer sound advice with a big old dose of compassion. You can read about Stardust here and Grandma Lise here.

Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. We're not giving up on you!! We're here for you when you need to vent or when you are happy and want to share. Good times and bad, that's what it's about in communities like Health Central.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing!

Vicki M

Melissajane

3/17/08 4:18pm

Ok!!! I had the weekend to let myself relax and calm down. Friday night I went and stayed at my parents with my sister and her kids. It was nice to get out of the house and away. Sunday I stayed home from church with the kids because we were sick and my husband had to go and teach his class. So we got a little break. I actually am feeling a bit better and I was just so stressed out! I need to calm down. I had a really great taim with my dad on Saturday and he helped me understand a few things about how my husband is feeling because he works hard all week and then he comes home to something he can't control and he feels his life is a mess! So we worked a few things out and I was able to tell my husband I love him and give him a big long hug! It was nice to feel good about him for the first time for awhile.

Thursday night I also slept away from my husband on the couch so I was able to get away from him for a few days and let myself just calm down!!

Thanks everyone for all of your help and advice. Today I started getting things in my room sepertated into different baskets. So I can actually see my floor and its kinda making me want to get it done! haha! Hopefully I can get my room done today!! Let's see how it goes. Tyler and Ashlie both fell asleep in my room so I came down here to eat lunch and play on the net for a few!

Thanks again!!

I give up!

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