I give up!

By Melissajane Friday, March 14, 2008

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My life is a peice of cake and I just keep runing his life!!!!

I told him last night that maybe I can just go away and his house would stay clean. But then he would not be able to be around his kids and that's what he wants his family. I say then keep the kids I am already messing up their lives they would be better without me.

Oh then he would have to pay for child care. Fine then bring me the kids when you need someone to watch them so I get time with them and then you can have them the rest of the time and I won't be screwing up your life and I won't be around 24/7 to screw up the kids lives also!!!

I can not live like this!!! I know I have a lot of problems to work out myself but I can't be torn down either. Is that going to make me change??? I don't even know where to start to change. I know we can't live like this and I know I don't want to be messing up his life. I feel it would be better if I just got out of it. Maybe is sweet little Amy is not married and he could marry her and then they would have the perfect life together and she would always have the house clean and cook lovely meals for him and give him sex!

She was a girl he was seeing before he met me and we hung out and dated for about 2 months and then got married 3 months after this. Maybe it really was tooo quick. I know there have been a lot of good times in our marriage and I know I love my husband but we can't live like this. There has been these issues for 7 years!! Jade said he knew what I was like before we got married. So why did he marry me. Did he just think he could change me???

Its not worth it anymore not worth it!!!!

I can't live like this, my family can't live like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I just needed to get this out I don't care if you responde but I just needed to get this out!!!

Also sorry for my bad spelling in this! I can't spell!

Hi I have been away!

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Comments (6) | Add comment

Stardust

3/14/08 12:52pm

Melissajane, you are going through a tough time right now. Can your husband go talk to a therapist by himself? I think that would help him from tearing you down. I can't remember, do you take medication? I don't think it's working any longer especially since you spent the tax refund. It's not a good situation, but it will pass if you get the right medication in your system. Wish I could do more hun. Love, Ruth.

grandma lise

3/15/08 12:41am

Hey Melissajane,

You sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. I know it's rough. I'm glad you're continuing to see the counselor.

A few weeks ago, I emailed you "Rules of Fair Fighting". Did you get a chance to read them? Were they helpful at all?

If you didn't receive them, and would like another copy, I'd be happy to email them to you again.

Grandma Lise

Terry Matlen, ACSW, Health Guide

3/15/08 1:14am

Melissajane,

I am really sorry to hear of your troubles. You sound like you're really stumbling right now and are not getting the support you need. Y'know, I would suspect that your husband has his own set of problems. In fact, by the way you are describing the situation there, it sounds like he has a lot of issues and that perhaps you are the target for whatever it is that's bothering him. And you are allowing him to throw these arrows and you AND agreeing with him that it is all you.

I doubt this to be true.

He married you for a reason and it wasn't to just take care of kids and to have sex. He saw something in you that he loved. And I believe that love is still there. Your problems are getting entangled with his and you're taking all the blame for this. Why is that?

His anger/jealousy at your seeing a therapist is unfounded and immature. He can just as easily pick up the phone and get help for himself.

My advice is that you ask your therapist if she can see you with your husband- you two are in crisis and it cannot wait. If she's uncomfortable with this, ask her for a referral for either couples counseling or for someone he can see alone (I strongly feel you two need to be seen together).

I'm also wondering if your ADHD treatment is effective. Without the proper things in place, ADHD can blow things apart when there are lots of stressors.

Your family history is coming back and biting you in the butt. I hope you can put those years in perspective and learn about all the wonderful things about you (yes, they are there if you let yourself look at them).

Don't wait- get on the phone and tell your therapist you need to see her more frequently while in this crisis mode and that your husband needs to be part of the therapy.

Hang in there!

Terry

urbanscrapper

3/15/08 4:11am

I READ THIS & I AM CRYING BECAUSE.i AM YOU.

IT IS 12 AM ,THE KITCHEN IS DIRTY, MY HOUSE IS A WRECK.MY HUSBAND IS IN THE BED ALONE AND I DON'T NO WHAT THE KIDS ATE.

Vicki M, Editor

3/17/08 1:15pm

Hi MelissaJane,

There's a whole room full of people here reaching out to hug you. Yes you are having a tough time in your life right now, and while you might be responsible for not doing the dishes or washing a load of clothes, you are not responsible for ruining anyone's life.

So first of all, I want you to work with me here for minute. Follow me:

1. breathe in

2. breathe out

3. repeat over and over.......... keep breathing.............come on........I know this sounds silly, but it does work. Once you are comfortable doing this, then lets take everything else one step at a time.

You have some great resources here in the people on this forum. They have given you wonderful informative advice. Terry Matlen is a psychotherapist as well as fellow ADHD sufferer. She has advised you well. Get some face time with your counselor/doctor with your husband. Your counselor will help your husband understand what you are going through and possibly get him to soften up from his point of view. I feel that people who act like your husband is come from two positions, either they have issues of their own and they are transferring the blame, or they just don't understand that the issues you have are real and are important to resolve. Perhaps your counselor can help him understand your issues and help dispell concerns he has.

Here are a couple links you might show to your husband as well. They explain what ADHD is, how it can affect a person and what the outward symptoms are.

You also have the support and understanding of many people just like you who live with this everyday. Stardust and Grandma Lise are two women who really are empathetic and offer sound advice with a big old dose of compassion. You can read about Stardust here and Grandma Lise here.

Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. We're not giving up on you!! We're here for you when you need to vent or when you are happy and want to share. Good times and bad, that's what it's about in communities like Health Central.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing!

Vicki M

Melissajane

3/17/08 4:18pm

Ok!!! I had the weekend to let myself relax and calm down. Friday night I went and stayed at my parents with my sister and her kids. It was nice to get out of the house and away. Sunday I stayed home from church with the kids because we were sick and my husband had to go and teach his class. So we got a little break. I actually am feeling a bit better and I was just so stressed out! I need to calm down. I had a really great taim with my dad on Saturday and he helped me understand a few things about how my husband is feeling because he works hard all week and then he comes home to something he can't control and he feels his life is a mess! So we worked a few things out and I was able to tell my husband I love him and give him a big long hug! It was nice to feel good about him for the first time for awhile.

Thursday night I also slept away from my husband on the couch so I was able to get away from him for a few days and let myself just calm down!!

Thanks everyone for all of your help and advice. Today I started getting things in my room sepertated into different baskets. So I can actually see my floor and its kinda making me want to get it done! haha! Hopefully I can get my room done today!! Let's see how it goes. Tyler and Ashlie both fell asleep in my room so I came down here to eat lunch and play on the net for a few!

Thanks again!!

I give up!

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