Not only am I new to the forum but I am also new at having an ADHD child in my life. I am 35 years old and am a mother of a 10 year old daughter. About 6 months ago I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. He moved in with me and we recently moved to a new apartment together. He has 2 children that he has full custody of. Daughter 9 years old and son 8 years old. Currently, his kids are staying with their grandmother until the end of the school year so they didn't have to change schools again. My boyfriend sees them frequently during the week and we have them every weekend. They live about an hour away. I have full custody of my own daughter and she is lives here with us full time and also has been an only child. Frankly, it's just been the 2 of us for a long time. Ok, here is where I need help. My boyfriends son has ADHD. It's pretty bad in my opinion, but remember that I haven't been around it long so I really don't know how bad it is. I want to do all I can for all of us involved because it causes an extremely tense situation when his kids are here. My daughter has had to cope with a new man in my life, she now has to share a room with 2 other kids on the weekends(soon to be full time), and has a very difficult time getting along with his son. I am still learning how to cope with it myself, how do I expect a 10 year old girl too? She is getting to where she hates the weekends and says things like she hates her life. My boyfriends son is a handful. He says "I hate you" to all of us including his father, he can't listen, sit still for anything especially for a meal, has a very hard time in school, has zero regard for anyone else. I know he is sick, but it is very hard to deal with sometimes. He is on concerta, and it does help. Recently, however, we have noticed an increase in his negative behavior. Not only here with us but with his grandmother and in school. He only takes the medication on weekdays so on the weekends when my daughter and I are with him, he is not on anything. Is that normal for kids with ADHD to only take the medicine during the week days? I dont want to sound like all I have to say about him is negative, there are moments when he is so sweet. Not to mention the fact that he is a smart kid. The fact that he is so smart sometimes makes it hard to belive that he doesn't know that what he says and does is wrong. I truely want my relationship to work and am willing to do all it takes that is why I am turning to all of you for advice and guidance. Thank you all so much.
I don't have any real answers for you. Just a little advice I have from past experience. My oldest daughter, biologically is my brother's. He and his wife were killed when she was six years old. She was having trouble at home and school at the time of their deaths. We raised her and her siblings. Within three months I was calling a child psychologist, because I couldn't handle her. (You have an advantage over me because I was only 21 at the time.) She was diagnosed with ADHD and oppositional disorder.
That was 20 years ago, and today we have a good relationship. She knows I love her and will do anything for her. Just 10 years ago it seemed like we would never get to this point. I take part of the blame for the difficulties in the past. I let my feelings get too involved in the situation. She hurt my feelings innumerable times, when she wasn't even aware of it. I do think you need to point out when he is being unkind or mean. (Preferably dad really needs to do this right now. At least the majority of it.)
However, you can't dwell on it. Yesterdays problem can't be drug into today. Some of the behaviors they don't have control over.
I would guess that the increase in behavior is because of the changes in his life. I also have a 13 year old son with this disorder. Both of my kids with this disorder need structure, they don't like change. I think part of that has to do with knowing what to expect, and doubting whether they can handle it "correctly". Their self image is often very damaged by this disorder. They don't want ADD; they want to be everything that everyone else wants. Be patient.
I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice for your daughter. You might have her read some things from this site. Something that is written from the view point of someone with ADD. I know that it's frustrating for syblings, and hard to explain why everything isn't "fair". I tell my kids that as their parent I try to do everything I can to help them become their best. They have special strengths, and individual weakness and needs. I try to do that for all of them; however I don't do it in the exact same way.
Hope there is some encouragement here. It's not impossible. Give everyone involved some space, time, and the right to make mistakes. I believe I was too rigid, but by the grace of God my daughter still loves me. It's not hard to forget the things she said or did that kept me up at night or caused me to cry. That comes with time also.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate any advice. In the end, I guess thats all I am looking for. Wow.....21 years old.? That is very commendable. It is inspiring to me because I have alot of patience and I had no idea that I could be frazzled like this. I have faith that I will get ahold of my own feelings, and that is just what it is, my own feelings. I do know that he isn't trying to hurt me and he doesn't remember half the time what he says. Thanks again so much.
I've never responded on any website before, but your post touched my heart. I know a little of what it's like to move into a situation. There was another thing in your response that struck a chord in me. It was that you never expected to be frazzled. I think parenting my daughter was the first time no matter how hard I worked at making things better; her behavior was out of my control. You can not make someone do something. I know that you don't want to change him, just make him easier to be around. That is major frustration. My husband always said he wasn't sure if the psychologist helped our daughter, but if it kept me sane then that was something. Sometimes all you need is to step away. You and your daughter might need to do that physically sometimes. Call them your "mental health" days. That doesn't make you bad, and feelings aren't bad. It's okay to have feelings (like anger and frustration) it's what you do with them that matters.
Good-luck, with faith and love all things are possible.
Thank you both for your post. This is also my first time posting something on a blog. I am at my wits end. I told my husband tonight that I am not sure who/what the problem is, but I need help. I have a 6yr old who has always been a challenge. I also have a 3y & 5Y who are not. We just completed the BASC 2 to look at whether he has a behavioral, emotional, or attention problem. I was comforting to hear you say you felt like you did everthing you could as a parent. I have read everything, consulted my peditrician & other mothers of boys. We (my husband & I) have been very consistant in our expectations & discipline to no avail with him. The schools are alluding to him have ADD, but will not come out & say it. Which makes it really difficult for me as my husband thinks he is just a regular little boy! Ugh.
I have been constantly questioning myself, thinking maybe I am doing something wrong. Anyway, you both validated my frustration. It helps.