I felt like not posting anyting tonight about what I am going through right now. Ever since being diagnosed with both AD/HD and Asperger's, I have had more good than bad days on my journey with both of these conditions. I feel a little on the down side because I reflected on what my life was like before being diagnosed with both things. I think about having completed college and graduate school. I think about a once-promising career on the administrative side of higher education (colleges and universities). I think about the things I have achieved in my life to this point. Then, I have a night like right now, where I feel like I am taking a few steps back.
While I am thankful that I was diagnosed with these things and am still in the acceptance stage with AD/HD and Asperger's, I find myself with the "what ifs". What if I had never been diagnosed and kept trying to find a position within higher education? What if I had not gone to college or graduate school so it wouldn't have been a waste of my time, now knowing that I am overqualified for the position I work? I am someone who has had a tendency of overanalyzing things (the kind of stuff that can drive any person crazy if around me). I am getting much better at not doing that sort of thing, as I accept myself more now.
I realize that my future will not be what I thought. Sometimes, it is difficult for me to accept, "This is not the way I thought how things might be." Then, I smile and think how fortunate my life isn't any worse than what it could be. I could be confined to a bed for the rest of my life. I could be deaf, or blind, or not be able to taste, touch, or smell things. When I wake up in the morning, I will feel much better.
I have times when I wish I had either AD/HD or Asperger's and not both. The challenge for me has been finding ways I can control both conditions at the same time. For me, that has involved things like knitting and being part of the local knitting group. To anyone reading this, there's nothing wrong with men knitting. We're not "sissies" or anything remotely close to it. I, for one, enjoy knitting greatly. I find that knitting is a tremendous stress reliever. I enjoy the socializing aspect of knitting as well.
I am glad I ended this SharePost on a postive note. Thanks for reading this.
Scott,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think we are all full of "what ifs" in life, but the "what ifs" also have another side. If you look at the good things in your life, we'll take the knitting, "what if" you never took up knitting (and no, I don't think you are a sissy), and missed out on the joy you receive from it. "What if" you never landed on this site and shared your story? Then I would not have known that you have more good days than bad (and that is something to rejoice, isn't it?). I would not have been reminded of the good "what ifs" in my life.
Each decision we make and each thing we do in life shapes what is to come, both good and bad. The "what ifs" can drive us crazy as you say, but they can also bring us joy for knowing that all of the good in our life might not be there is our decisions had been different.
Thank you again for sharing. I hope that tomorrow is once again a good day for you.
Eileen