Married to an ADDer

By Brooke Sunday, February 10, 2008

- A
- A
- A

I have been married for 11 years to a man who was diagnosed in his forties. The hardest part for me is the absence of connection thorugh conversation--he appears to listen, then says something that makes it clear he has no idea what I am talking about. The subjective experience for me is like speaking to someone who doesn't understand english or is mentally challenged. The sense of disconnect is profound, that feeling of "Yes, you get me" is missing from our marriage. He is wonderful in a thousand other ways. How do others cope?

Comments (10) | Add comment

grandma lise

2/11/08 12:24am

Hey Brooke,

We all need to be listened to. It's why I'm on this forum. I need people to "listen" to me as I work toward some challenging goals.

My husband and I are both ADD. He's a good listener; sometimes I am, other times I'm not.

There are times though when I wish he wouldn't listen to me. Sometimes I vent, or, even worse, go into a rant. Who needs to listen to that? Now, that I'm older and more sensitive to how I'm impacting others, I try to keep my negative talk down to two sentences.

But you're saying that your husband never listens to you. That's so sad.

If he doesn't listen to anyone, well, then his inability to listen is not limited to you at least.

On the other hand, if it's only you that he doesn't listen to, it might be helpful to ask him what's going on.

Are there things that you share with him that he is interested in but also things you share that he's not interested in?

When the two of you are talking, do you each get equal time talking about subjects that interest each of you? Or is it more one sided?

When listening to you is he rewarded or punished for listening to you and/or his responses to you?

When is the best time for him to listen to you? Some ADD adults are able to listen best when they're driving - (though not in medium to heavy traffic) - or while sitting in a hot tub, or while walking or riding an exercise bike.

My adult son has the need to talk to me after 10 pm at night which is not a good time for me.

How long can he listen to you or others before he needs a break?

It may be that he never learned how to listen. Perhaps some brief reading materials on this subject would be helpful to him.

It may be that he is intensely preoccupied much of the time. That was a huge problem for me when I was younger, insecure, and had a lot of problems that I worried about a lot of the time. Counseling can be helpful in that case.

Are you an extrovert and he's an introvert? Extroverts recharge by being with people; introverts, on the other hand, need to be alone to re-energize themselves.

It may be that he wrongly believes that he can't listen because he's ADD. That's not true. It's harder for us, but with effort we can listen though perhaps for shorter periods of time.

As an ADD adult, I have always been able to listen if I make an effort. To do so, I take a moment to think about why it's important to that person that I listen to them. Even after doing this, I sometimes have difficulty. So, to hold myself accountable, I stop the person who is talking everytime I space out and ask them to repeat the information I missed.

Another way I hold myself accountable is to tell the person if I can't listen to them at that time, and I then schedule a time when I can listen to them.

I think it's also important to let the people we care about know if there are things that they share that we'd really prefer not to listen too. For example, there is a limit to how long I will listen to my husband talk about flashlights, his hobby and his area of interest. I feel okay about putting a limit on these types of conversations because I know he already has a bunch of flashlight buddies to talk about flashlights with. Does your husband feel safe telling you what subjects he'd prefer to not listen to?

My hope is that you have other people in your life who are able to listen to you. One of the things that I've learned after 26 years of marriage is to be grateful for what my husband provides and to creatively find other ways or other people to meet any unmet needs.

I'd be most interested in hearing more about what you and your husband think about the need to be listened to and responded to.

Grandma Lise

Brooke

2/11/08 8:06am

Excellent questions. He and I have talked about this, and he says that he "spaces out" and then is too embarrassed to admit it, so he pretends to know, or guesses when he replies. He has sat through entire movies and is unable to say what they are about, and in social situations, will make an observation that someone else has just made, as if it is a brand new topic. We have found that the TV needs to be off, restaurants are too noisy and distracting, as is driving. I also try to keep to a be selective in what I share. I wouldn't say he never listens, but he alsmost always has a hard time paying attention. We are focusing on other ways to connect; shared experiences, but sometimes I really miss having a "buddy" to bounce things off. By the way he is extremely intelligent, and wonderful in a thousand other ways. His ex-therapist believed this issue is about inattention, rather than lack of interest.

grandma lise

2/11/08 1:29am

Hey Brooke,

I suddenly realized I forgot to ask an important question. Has he ever experienced someone who really listened to him?

I hope others share their experiences and thoughts about this. And I also hope you'll tell us more about what both you and your husband think about this.

Grandma Lise

Brooke

2/11/08 8:08am

I hope so! He like his last therapist, and I try to be a good listener as well. With guy friends, the talk is all sports ( :

grandma lise

2/11/08 11:49am

Hey Brooke,

I'm on my way out the door for the day. I have more questions. Does he have additional diagnoses or other health issues? What medications is he taking? What nutritional supplements is he taking? When he's thinking a lot, what is he thinking about? (Example, I know a man whose always thinking about the next project around the house...more on that later). About how old is he...50's, 60's? What type of ADD does he have? Hyperactive, impulsive, or inattentive only? How do other people describe him in general? Is there a history of abuse?

Please don't feel obligated to answer any of these questions. Answer what you feel comfortable answering and only if you want to continue talking about this.

Grandma Lise

Brooke

2/11/08 6:27pm

I'll take any insights I can get. He is 56 years old, no other health issues. Has some anxiety but nothing disabling, he's a big "worrier", and checks on things repeatedly, but not obsessively. Was taking Adderal and Wellbutrin, stopped both. Was seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, but says she told him he was fine. Takes vitamins, eats healthy. His distractions are like a TV that continually changes channels. His response when I call his attention to the fact that I think I lost him is to pretend that he has followed along/confabulate, or make excuses (I'm driving, trying to cook etc). Or he acts as though he is on track and I am confused, but will not clarify for me--"just forget it". I have responded at many places along the continuum from good humor and patience to extreme annoyance--his response seems not to be correlated to my approach. He seems to have a lot of shame connected with these distracted states, and only very rarely can he smile and say "I must have been in a trance, can you back up a little?". When he is able to do that, the tension dissipates. Unfortunately, these times are rare. He is more distracted than hyper, he is not jittery or hyperverbal, though he does not pick up on social cues that his listener is not interested in what he is saying or he is being tangential. He is gainfully employed, but has shied away from risk and new situations his whole life (understandably) and has probably underachieved, considering his many talents.

grandma lise

2/11/08 11:12pm

Hey Brooke,

This is a bit of an adjustment for me. I usually have these types of discussions over the phone or in person. Here goes...

I should of said this earlier, but if your emotional well-being is highly dependent on your relationship with your husband, find a good therapist who can help you develop and/or improve the relationships you have with women.

As for your husband, ADD adults learn early in life to fake attention in workplace environments to avoid negative attention from customers, co-workers, and supervisors. Most of the time it works. That may be why he does it at home with you. Old habits die hard.

I think it will be helpful for him and for your relationship if he can continue to practice interrupting you each time he's lost track of what you've just said. It's helpful that you are encouraging him to do so.

This will accomplish two things: 1) it will improve his listening skills and 2) it will provide you important feedback.

By that, I mean, it may be a bad time for him to listen to you because he's really preoccupied with something that's happened or something that's coming up. In that case, it would be better to talk later or to give him an opportunity to talk about what's troubling him. Over time, you will also begin to figure out what subjects he is interested in and which he is not.

It's an absolute myth that all ADD adults are strong multi-taskers. I can only do one task at a time. When I'm really listening to someone, I have to stop everything I am doing and listen. And I can't be under pressure of a deadline.

Both the TV and radio have to be off, someone else has to be driving, and I certainly could not prepare a meal while listening. What you refer to as excuses are his reality. Years ago, an ADD acquaintance told me that they had a rule in their house that no one was allowed to talk to mom while she was using a knife to prepare food because she had cut herself so many times.

I wouldn't worry at all about his inability to pick up on social cues. Your husband is well liked. Your friends recognize that he misses social cues and have probably learned to tolerate it because they like him so much for other reasons. Please do not be embarrassed for yourself or him. It's a waste of emotion. Good friends are tolerant. In all other cases, remember his behavior is a reflection on him, not you.

That said, when you know your husband is about to say something that could be very hurtful, do everything you can to get him out of the room so you can explain. My husband once began making jokes about an explosion that had occurred in our community. Because he travels, he did not know that the owner's son was killed in that accident. Thankfully, we were talking with an employee, not the owner. I kicked him hard and repeatedly. He probably was bruised the next day. But he just kept on talking. What I should have done is said, "Oh my gosh. Honey, I just realized something. I need you to come outside with me for just a minute. I'll explain when we get outside." And then, "Excuse us" with a firm grip on his arm.

I know I'm jumping around a bit, but your comment about going to the movies together and his inability to recall anything was interesting. My husband and I are both ADD and we love to watch movies together and discuss them. It sounds like your husband was either preoccupied by something, he really had no interest in that particular movie, or he doesn't like movies for the most part and has been too accommodating of you to tell you. When something like that happens, instead of being disappointed, perhaps you could instead ask him what's going on.

The anxiety you mention sounds like a generalized anxiety disorder that your husband has learned to manage well so it only impacts his and your life minimally. Good for him. That said, anxiety also affects attention. This is important for you to understand. He's already having problems with attention because of the ADD. The anxiety is makes it even harder to attend, particularly when he's worried.

ADD adults who also have anxiety often do not respond well to stimulant medication because it makes the anxiety worse. It would be interesting to hear why your husband stopped the Adderall and Wellbutrin.

I also suffer with ADD and anxiety. It's hard, really hard.

I have a number of friends with anxiety and we all agree that nutritional supplements are helpful. If you tell me specifically what supplements he's taking, I could make additional suggestions. As we get older, nutritional supplement strategies become increasingly important for some of us. It's also possible that he could work again with a psychiatrist to find a medication that treats the ADD and the anxiety.

You never mentioned if you are an extrovert and if he is an introvert. I encourage you to take some time to learn about the different personality types and about how your personality type interacts with his personality type. That information alone gave me so much insight into the dynamics of my relationship with my husband. He's adventure seeking; I'm security seeking. I cannot begin to tell you what a set-up that alone was for conflict. Once I realized what was going on I changed how I interact with my husband. It helped. We hardly ever fight anymore.

Here's two good books: Type Talk and 16 Ways to Love Your Lover by Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen. You should be able to pick up both copies in used condition online for very little cost. If you enjoy those books and want to delve deeper into this area, read Personality Types: Using the Enneagram For Self-Discovery by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson. Their work is interesting to me because they discuss 9 levels of functioning in addition to the nine personality types they describe. A psychologist that I was training with referred me to Riso and Hudson's books. They are fascinating, but the first two books are a better introduction if you've never studied personality types.

My other suggestion, is to consider finding a marriage therapist in your community who has a reputation for improving and enhancing marital relationships. I say that because some are good at helping couples improve, others are good at helping couples separate and divorce. Go to www.gottman.com to see if there is a Gottman therapist near you.

I'm glad you listen to your husband. Being listened to is an important first step in learning to listen to others. If you decide to read a book on how to improve your marriage, John M. Gottman, Ph.D. has researched why marriages succeed or fail for more than twenty years. His research is fascinating and he has written numerous books on the subject.

Oh, and by the way, the best book published to date on men and women who are inattentive types is Women With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden. Eventhough it was written for women, a lot of it applies to men too. I have men who are inattentive types read it. If they call me again, they tell me it is the best book they have read to date.

I would be interested in hearing any other information you feel would be helpful to help us better understand what's happening between you and your husband.

Grandma Lise

Brooke

2/12/08 6:41pm

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. I am learning that ADD has as many manifestations as there are people. Many of your examples are spot on, in other ways, my sweethearts ADD is all his own! You are absolutely right, our friends adore him and ignore his tangents and non-sequiters. He is gente and kind, and rarely offends. I am familiar with some of the personality profiles, and we have found our complementarity to be fascinating and a source of mutual growth. My husband is not interested in therapy, he has tried it several times and ends up quitting, though it has helped him understand his illness. I have availed myself often of a gifted therapist, and they advise exactly what you do--develop talking relationships with other people, and connect with my husband in other ways (lately, it is ballroom dance lessons!).You are correct--he can not multi-task, and also can not tolerate even minimal background noise. He is working on being honest about when he gets lost (he calls it "squirrely"). It is by far the faking understanding and confabualtion that upsets me more than his distraction; the pretending is by nature dishonest. I appreciate your good thoughts, understanding and useful advice. Our mantra for the ADD-disconnect these days is "More humor and honesty, less shame and frustration"

grandma lise

2/13/08 2:23am

I was reflecting on what you've written so far today. I think in your own way you are grieving. My hope is that as you continue to learn about the inattentive type and about your personality type and his, acceptance will follow. I know grief never ends, it comes and goes. But as I get older and the years pass quicker, I realize that I enjoy my life so much more now, in part because I focus less on "what isn't" and "what never will be" and more on what I'm grateful for today. When you finally begin doing what you enjoy most much of the time, you will be amazed by how easily the anger and disappointment drop away. How wonderful that you are finding some things to enjoy together. Ballroom dancing sounds like a lot of fun.

Grandma Lise

Brooke

2/13/08 8:43pm

Excellent point! I am indeed "letting go" of the dream of a cure and the acceptance of this illness. I think all marriages must involve a release of some ideal and an acceptance of what is. What a wonderful gift to my husband, and to me!

Married to an ADDer

Ask a Question