ADD Relationships: The Non-ADD Adult Partner

This is an excellent question and not an uncommon situation of finding two ADD adults in relationship. AD/HD can be a multi-faceted condition and easily misunderstood my many.  Medication is not the favorite choice for every adult with AD/HD but in many instances it can produce positive results. However, medication or not the key to effective management of AD/HD is 'self-management' and a good start is to learn all you can about this intriguing condition. There are several popular books on the market these days which can provide you with a wealth of information. Of course, the internet is also a rich resource of information but beware of the reliability of the content. All individuals have both good and bad experiences with the treatment of their AD/HD. Unfortunately, peer based information is based upon personal experience and not always accurate for the greater population of adults with ADHD.

When it comes to marriage and families, AD/HD is not a condition that is isolated to the individual. AD/HD can and most often does affect the marriage and family. For instance, there is strong research which reviews the parenting styles and effectives of adults with AD/HD. Parents with AD/HD who struggle with routines, deadlines, money management, poor impulse control have a difficult time with the effective management of their children (whether the child is ADD or not). It may serve you well to consult with a psychologist, clinical social worker or marriage therapist who is skilled in working with adults with AD/HD. Of course, each individual with AD/HD (child and adult) must first accept their condition of ADD/ADHD. It's not uncommon for children and adults to resist the 'label' of ADD. I often find this to be the case until I provide a thorough and accurate description of AD/HD and how it is likely to shows up in one's life. In short, education never hurts and often makes the difference. Then again, don't delay in asking for professional help if needed.

While ADHD may offer many challenges, disappointments and breakdowns, ADHD should never be used as an excuse. Or as author and ADHD expert, Ned Hallowell, MD explained it, "Does this mean we (ADHD adults) deserve a get-out-of-jail-free card? Of course not."

Not understanding the total dynamics of the situation, it is difficult to comment with any certainty. However, let me say that the use of 'bad names' is never a justified response. Now, is it possible that your husband is feeling defensive? Is it possible that your husband's comments are an aspect of poor impulse and anger control? Is it possible that you 'don't' understand him? Is it possible that your husband doesn't understand the complexity of living with an adult with ADHD?

ADHD may help to explain certain behaviors but it's very important that adults with ADHD learn to take responsibility for their ADHD behaviors more effectively. If your husband is willing, you may want to consider seeking professional assistance from a marriage therapist to discuss these issues and learn more effective conflict management and communication skills. If you select this option, be sure the therapist is skilled at working with and understanding of adult ADHD. Your husband may find it helpful to seek individual therapy or coaching where he may find understanding of his behaviors and learn new and more effective self-management skills. Your husband may also want to speak with his physician for a reassessment if his ADHD is being with medication.

This is not a simple situation nor is there a simple answer. It may be best to seek professional assistance to clearly understand and address your situation most effectively.