ADD Relationships: The Non-ADD Adult Partner

Life can be a challenge if you're a non-ADHD adult living in relationship with an ADHD adult partner.

I recently coached a non-ADHD adult regarding some of her specific issues living with her ADHD adult partner. My client voiced concern that is easily the most common complaint I hear from non-ADHD relationship partners. "I feel like he needs me to tell him what to do all the time. I have to guide him and direct him. I resent that I married my husband to have an equal partner but now I feel like I've got another child to take care of."

Adults with ADHD tend to lack the inherent nature of structure and routine. Consequently, adults with ADHD often function best when there is some source of ‘external structure' in their life, ie work and school. However, non-ADHD relationship partners also provide a great deal of structure and anchoring for the adult with ADHD. Without this anchor, the ADHD partner may have a greater tendency to meander during projects, chores, and possibly with life in general. Thus, it may appear that the ADHD partner is depending on you or that he/she won't do certain things without your comments or reminders.

Coaching Tips for Non-ADHD Relationship Partners:

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

2. Be honest, firm and gentle with your communication.

3. Clearly communicate your preferences and expectations of your ADHD partner.

4. Clearly communicate your disappointment when there are breakdowns in agreements.

5. Take time to acknowledge the strengths, assets and gifts of your ADHD partner. Acknowledge these gifts to your ADHD partner.

6. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Consider marriage/couple therapy with a therapist who is dual trained in couple therapy AND who has a thorough understanding and skills working with adults with ADHD.

7. Do not take your ADHD partner's challenges and breakdowns personally.

8. Do have ‘realistic' expectations of your ADHD partner.

9. Do not expect perfection from your ADHD partner.

Want to learn more ways to make your relationship last? Read ADHD expert Eileen Bailey's article "10 Things Your ADD/ADHD Partner Wants You to Know."