I would like some advise, really any advise will do!

By pchisolm Thursday, November 06, 2008

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I am a single mother of 2 wonderful girls. Brianna is 13 and is ADHD and Aeowyn is 7 months. Brianna is having so much trouble in school and has this 'I don't care" attitude. She is a very bright and loving girl, but this year she is in 7th grade and she refuses to do anything. This is the 1st year that she actually participates in class, but she will not do homework or write down her agenda (which she is graded on). She stays grounded and everything gets taken away, but she does not care. Today one of her teachers called and told me that Brianna has not turned in any assignments this semester and she does not care and I need to do something. Well, I am trying but I can not make her care. I feel so alone in this and like I am fighting a losing battle. The advise I get from friends and family is bust her butt then she will care. ha like that works. I do not mean to give a pitty kick, but I honestly do not know what to do! She goes to her PCP every month, her psych dr, and a counsler. I even go to the counsler with her, but nothing is helping. I see myself leaving her out more now, because EVERYTHING is a constant fight! Sorry for the woe is me, if anyone has some advise no matter how straight to the point it is, it will be greatly appreciated!

Mother in distress!

Patrice

Comments (5) | Add comment

Terry Matlen, ACSW, Health Guide

11/ 8/08 10:04pm

Hi,

I"m sorry to hear of your daughter's troubles! But it's hard to give advice without knowing more about what is going on with her. What is her diagnosis? What meds is she on? What does the counselor think about all of this? If you could tell us more, that would be great!

No child likes to feel like a failure in school. Perhaps she's not trying because that way she can save face should she try and STILL fail. Does that make sense? Or perhaps she is depressed. There are a lot of reasons why a 13 yr old might not be trying in school. Do you have any clues?

Thanks,

Terry

B. Irizarry

11/10/08 2:50pm

Hi. I'm a mother of a 5 year old ADHD son and and an 11 year old tween daughter. My son's condition has been especially hard on her because she has always kept pretty much to herself. Going out is like torture because she gets very embarrassed with his outbursts.

Well, her grades started going down, she started to cry a lot for what I considered to be trivial things, among other things. My approach was to change her to a different school. She confessed she was having a hard time with tests, so I put her in a school environment where the students study at their own pace and take tests when they're ready and not with everyone else. They also work a lot with children that have different conditions (mainly ADHD). This change has been great for both my children because my son feels that he's going to a regular school with his sister, and my daughter has developed more empathy toward differently disabed children. This systems help children with their self esteem since they make big deals when the students reach their goals.

Another thing I also did was buy here different books approriate for her age regarding self esteem - they talk about how her body is changing and how beautiful girls are inside and out.

Still another thing I did was spend more time with her. I started by going out with her one on one, washing her hair more often, buying her inexpensive jewlery she likes and complimenting her on how well she is doing in school.

Although my daughter doesn't have ADHD, I truly hope these hints help you. God bless.

Eileen Bailey, Health Guide

11/12/08 10:00pm

Thanks so much for posting here. I am glad you have found this site and hope you will find it useful.

I would suggest talking with the psychiatrist and requesting a complete evaluation. I would also talk with your primary doctor and ask if they could do a physical to determine if there is any physical reason that could be causing your daughter's lack of caring. Having an accurate diagnosis is so important in creating a specific treatment plan to help.

Although 13 years old is a difficult age and middle school is often a hard time for children with ADHD as more and more is expected of them and they may lack the self-confidence needed, your daughter seems to be experiencing even more problems than those normally related to her age group.

Let us know what her diagnosis is and how everything is going.

Eileen Bailey

Anonymous

11/28/08 12:08pm

I know only too well your frustration. I have a 27 year old daughter that I wish I had known what to do with when she was in 7th grade. You are facing more than just her ADHD. She's an adolescent.

I'm a 25 year veteran teacher. I'm currently working on my Masters in Educational Administration. I'm taking a class and doing ethnographic research on the educational self confidence of ADD/ADHD children. My daughter and my husband have ADHD.

From my limited research and my own personal knowledge, I've learned that building success into your children's life is paramount. Being genuinely positive and downplaying the negative/punitive part of your daughter's life will help. Give her all the boundaries that you would give any child her age, but don't expect her to be perfect when keeping them. Discipline but discipline with love and without emotion. Let her know the consequeces of her actions, but make them fair. Sometimes natural consequces are the best. Whatever you don't know believe any self talk about your child not liking you if you discipline her. This is a trap I fell into. Ask her participation in how to best help her.

I don't know what she might need in the way of organization, but she's probably feeling the stress of many different classes and not being able to keep it all straight. Generally ADHD kids are very bright they just need help organizing. If you don't have her on an RX, please consider it. I wish I had put my daughter on something sooner. There is also some new research about therapy that retrains the brain. The Dore Center is using it to help their patients. Try looking this up on the internet for one near you.

You will need to help her develop her own systems of organization. List, sticky notes, etc. She will need consistency with bed time and getting up time.

As far as her schoolwork is concerned, she may have some holes in her learning due to the ADHD. You may want a teacher/counselor/504 coordinator to do some testing to see what she needs help with. A good tutor will be able to help her fill in these holes.

Above all remain optimistic with her. Get her in sports or in something that she excels in. She needs to feel successful. This age for her is so difficult. ADHD children have such a hard time with peers. If you have the insurance or money, find a good psychologist that works with ADHD. Be careful some will say they know how to but don't really. Ask the school.

Don't hover too much. She will need to feel like she is in control. This is a fine line. She is at the stage where she is developing her own sense of independence.

There are lots of books out there. Look on the internet. Read them!!!!!!

I hope my thoughts haven't been too random. I will certainly pray for you. This won't be easy.

Laurie

Arlington, TX

Vanessa

12/ 1/08 4:56pm

Reward the positive and punish the negative. Kids are so smart we all know this and we try to hide negative feeling we may come across but like you said you exclude her from things b/c it is easier. She knows this is happening and may be acting out more due to this. Try sitting down with her and simple ask is there anything you would like to talk about b/c I am am here for you. I will not judge I will just listen. Maybe it will work. Her school needs to commmunicate more with you not after an entire semester to say she has not turned in one assignment. From my experience with my son kids with a disability are treated differently as much as it sucks to say but they are. I do not like to tell say a new school that my son has ADHD b/c they then classing him. My son does not have an IEP but does have a 540 whihc is basically nothing- they do not feel he needs one, hipe this helps, from Vanessa

I would like some advise, really any advise will do!

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