Been rough this past week.  Even more rough than the last.  But life is what you make of it, I guess...

I made a to-do list on Sunday before the week started.  I lost my list mid-week.  MIDWEEK.  So, I just found it today and am looking it like "OH #(  that fell through the cracks!". I analyzed it--I have scribblies, it's not typed. It was confusing to read.  And now I have MORE responsibilities for the upcoming week. I just keep falling off course.

Well, maybe I should start this entry beginning with last Wednesday, when I saw my psychiatrist and I was LATE to her appointment.  I really didn't want to be late, but I ran back to work to pick up these revisions that had been made, and it was just a WRECK.

I don't know what to do at this point.  I feel bad because I went ahead and saw someone else for a second opinion, not telling my first psychiatrist what was going on.  I didn't tell her because I was afraid of what she would think, like maybe she'd think I didn't trust her opinion of my diagnosis.  Maybe that's true, and I just didn't want to deal with that emotion when I made the other appointment and knew it was coming. 

I told her after I went to see him.  I jotted this quick in an e-mail, and she asked why, and I said oh I don't know, my brother gave me the name and I looked him up/made an appointment.  I don't think she bought this. She saw right through me.  You know, I think the real thing is, I've been seeing her for 3 appointments, and it's like I didn't really know where things were going.  I was wondering if I was going to get a test, if I am going to see her more, where am I going kind of a thing.  Don't get me wrong, I really really like her.  But the not knowing was driving me nuts.  Of course I should have probably just came out and told her this instead of grabbing onto it. :(.

At any rate, I explained to the other psychiatrist, the NEW one, that I was seeing someone else, etc etc.  He suggested getting the 3 hour ADD test.  I said "yes".  Like in my head: "oh great! this will TELL me what's GOING ON!"  Like, "I know what's happening!!!  I'll get RESULTS to look at!"  I don't know. He gave me an appointment to come in June.  He was way more EXPENSIVE than my first psychiatrist too, which bothers me.  All of the money I am plopping down right now for these kinds of services is frightening me. 

Then, the first psychiatrist reminded me of something I COMPLETELY forgot when we started all these little appointments to begin with.  And then I felt bad because the "where is this going?" kinda got answered.  She told me that testing is really for if you need to be put on medication, and she initially didn't think I would need medication, that I could learn life-strategies and get by on that, so she wanted to try that out first.