Counseling for transference

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Wed, March 19, 2008

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I spoke to my psychiatrist yesterday about the transference I am experiencing towards my counselor and he completely understood where I was coming from. He originally suggested that I tell her about it but once he found out that I wouldn't be able to see her anymore he changed his mind. He said that it would probably not be the best thing for my mental well-being right now to have to start seeing someone else, especially after I have developed such a close bond with this counselor. He said he would, to the best of his ability, help me get through it. He also reassured me that none of this would get back to my counselor and that if I were to ever start having transference towards him that I can talk to him about it without fear of repercussions. I think with his help and yours my transference for this counselor will become a thing of the past.

Thanks for all the continued support!

~Alice

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Eileen Bailey

3/19/08 2:23pm

Alice

It sounds as if you are on the right track. It is good that you have someone that you can be open and talk to about this. It also helps that you can continue to see the counselor and receive help there as well. I am glad that you are making progress and continue to move forward.

As always, we are also here to help.

Eileen

grandma lise

3/20/08 1:54am

Hey Alice,

Now that you have two mental health professionals on your treatment team, I think you'll be better able to work through issues as they come up and begin moving forward again.

It pleases me very much that the psychiatrist said that if you developed transference with him you could talk with him about it without fear of reppercussions. In doing so, he has created a level of safety for you.

I wandered around on the internet for a while by doing a search on the term "transference". The more I read, the more confused I became.

My dictionary provided the best, most concise definition: "In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions and desires originally associated with one person, such as a parent or sibling, are unconsciously shifted to another person, especially the analyst."

After thinking about this, I came to realize that transference is not limited to theraputic relationships. I have experienced it many times, both inside and outside of theraputic relationships.

Last year, one of my bosses - (I have 9 bosses) - began behaving as if she knew me and my capabilities within two weeks of starting on the job. By that I mean, she regularly treated me as if I was incompetent when in fact I'm competent at much of what I do.

When approached by her, I respond minimally with respect and courtesy, then fulfill her request. It's unusual for me to not develop some level of relationship with a coworker, but in this case, it is necessary for my own protection.

My understanding of transference is limited, but, after reading about it, I think so long as you...

refuse to allow anyone to define who you are

conciously make an effort to see others as they really are

have a clear understanding of what you want from each relationship

and what you're willing to provide in return

...you'll do okay.

Thanks for introducing this topic. It reinforced for me once again how important it is to maintain boundaries with those whom we choose to associate.

Grandma Lise

grandma lise

3/20/08 2:11am

After further thought, I'd like to say that somewhat differently...

I think so long as you...

refuse to allow anyone to define who you are,

make a concious effort to see others as they really are,

have a clear understanding of what you want from each relationship, what they are willing to provide you in each relationship, and what you're willing to provide them in each relationship

...you'll do okay.

Grandma Lise

Alice Hale

3/20/08 10:19am

Yea, I found that the dictionary does give the most concise definition, as well. Something my psychiatrist mentioned when I spoke to him about transference was that it won't just occur in therapy but in day-to-day life, as well. So what you are saying about your boss, however unfortunate, is not all that uncommon. From my understanding, transference generally occurs with a person who has authority i.e. a boss, a teacher, or a counselor. I agree that seeing someone for who they are will prevent transference from occuring. However, I think sometimes that is easier said than done. I am happy that I was able to introduce this topic to the board and I hope ot was of some help to you. Thanks, again!

~Alice

grandma lise

3/20/08 11:34am

Hey Alice,

Oops, you're right. My boss is the authority figure so what I'm experiencing with my boss is more likely "countertransference": "The surfacing of a psychotherapist's own repressed feelings through identification with the emotions, experiences, or problems, of a person undergoing treatment."

The reason I think it's so great that you are questioning and trying to understand what is happening is because I think transference can be problematic or helpful in relationships. The sooner you're aware of it and understand it the better. I sure wish I had understood it when I first started therapy.

Let me explain. My husband and I were talking the other day about my nurturing ability. He said that my parents were very good at meeting my basic needs but failed to go to the next level to nurture me. He's right. And I think as a result, I have dedicated my life to surrounding myself with nuturing people to get that unmet need met - (my husband is very nurturing).

Looking back, I believe this complicated my therapy because the first three therapists I chose were therapists who were not able to connect with their patients emotionally. They were too detached which was disasterous for me.

Eventually, I found a therapist and then later a psychiatrist who were both capable and caring enough to connect with me on an intellectual level and at the deeper emotional level that I needed. There was a level of mutual respect there that made a big difference for me.

I worked with the therapist for a year and a half and then later with the psychiatrist primarily to manage my medication every three months for three years and did not feel the need to work with a therapist again for seven years.

Then, I had a career crisis about five years ago and saw a new psychologist for testing and therapy specific to the challenge I was facing - (I was being actively recruited for a job in which I'd be helping people and I didn't know if I wanted to do that work again).

I had no transference problems at all with the last therapist. I wasn't able to work through the problem completely though because once again, this therapy was at a more intellectual level, not so much emotional although there was some emotional connection. I think I spent the next five years completing that process through ongoing conversations with my boss and other people in my life.

I think Alice, it's confusing to go from a childhood in which some of your needs weren't met into therapy where you find yourself, for the first time perhaps, confronted with the reality that someone is listening to you, really listening to you, again, perhaps for the first time. I think by continuing to talk about this with your psychiatrist, you will work it through. And ADD, by the way, can, though does not always, interfer with the development of a bond between the parent and child.

I guess, looking back, I've had both negative and positive experiences with transference. It's complicated but can also be very revealing and instructive.

If I worked with a therapist again, I could only do it if it was a therapist who considered me to be a peer, and it would probably have to be a therapist who was also a friend. Don't know why. I just recognize that that is a strong need for me today, perhaps that was always true for me. It's all so individual. What works for me, won't work for the next person. We all have to find our own path.

Grandma Lise

grandma lise

3/20/08 1:31pm

Hey again Alice,

I just reread your post. I hope this conversation has been helpful to you too. If not, I'll stop here.

I agree with you. Navigating the theraputic relationship and relationships in general is not always easily done. But at the same time, I believe it's worthwhile most of the time. It's how we learn about ourselves and each other.

Grandma Lise

Alice Hale

3/20/08 1:44pm

This conversation has been very helpful! Thanks! Yes, it isn't always easy but it has been my experience that it is worth the extra effort. It is always nice to have someone to talk to about things you may or not be able to talk to others about. It has been a great relief to be able to finally talk to someone about my transference without fear of being judged. Thanks, again.

Keep posting!

~Alice

Jacinta

3/21/11 4:14pm

I'm am also having transference problems at the moment. I began talking to a therapist at christmas this year and now that the therapy has recently ended (nearly two months ago) I feel like I'm obsessed with the therapist and I miss her alot. The circumstances are a bit strange in that the therapist was a teacher and counsellor that was in my secondary school and whom tried to talk to me numerous times when I was younger but I was not willing at the time to talk to her and then I joined her as a friend on facebook six years later now and we began talking and eventually I confided in her and she helped me. I was the one who finished it because I found it hard to talk about my feelings in the end and I didn't want to be negative and let her know that I still was feeling depressed but most of all I was worried that I was getting to attached to speaking with her. I miss talking to her so much, I miss having someone older and wiser to talk to and give me advice and my obsession has gone too far in the way that I daydream about talking to her and can't stop looking at her facebook everytime I log on and I'm dissapointed everytime I see that I havn't got any mail from her even though I was the one you finished it. Everything I have read on transference suggests talking to the cousellor but I really don't want to have to go back to tell her all of this. I've worked a fair bit out myself from reading and I know that It's prob because of a bad relationship I had/have with my Mother that is making me feel this way cause I've started wishing this woman was my mother and keep fanticizing about it (not hard to figure out but it took me a while) Is there anything I can do to help me get over this?

Counseling for transference

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