I saw my counselor yesterday and we discussed the fact that I had been feeling suicidal this past week. She told me that I had been doing really good about calling the suicide hotline but that I was getting to the point where I was needing help beyond their resources. She told me that there were a fe things they could do before they would have to close my file nd send me to someone else. When I told her that I felt that things started getting worse once I was started on the stimulant for my ADHD she said "OK, let's try this. If this doesn't work, you are beyond help." She and I put together a schedule so I could try to piecing my life back together. I left feeling even more helpless and hopeless than I did when I went in. When I got home I cried and cried. Istarted working on the schedule and it worked a little bit but I still felt like crap because of what my counelor said to me. Maybe she's right. Maybe, I am beyond help.
Bad session
Alice
I am so sorry for your bad experience. You are not, however, beyond help. I wonder if your counselor could have meant something different but the words did not come out right. Maybe what she meant was that if this did not work, she felt she should refer you to someone that might be able to help you more. Maybe not that you were beyond help, but beyond her own abilities to help you.
I am sorry, too, that you are struggling so much with feeling suicidal. I am glad that you contact the suicide hotline when you feel you need it.
My son has had suicidal feelings for a number of years. He has been in and out of the hospital for the past 3-4 years for suicide attempts. There were times, too many, that I woke up each morning not knowing if my son was alive or if so, if he would make it through another day. But he did, and is doing better. I know, from watching him, how very difficult this is for you. I also know, that you are not beyond help. I have watched my son recently as he has gone throught intensive therapy and he is improving every day. He is now looking for a job.
Bringing this back to you, I believe you should contact the doctor that prescribed the Adderall and ask about switching to a different medication, or discontinuing for a short period of time to see if these feelings go away or at least lessen. You can then talk to the doctor about what your other choices may be or if another medication might be better for you. At least then you will know if these feelings have been caused by the medication.
Please, Alice, talk with your doctor as soon as possible. Your life is important, your happiness is important and your recovery is important. It is possible to find the treatment you need.
Please let us know how you are feeling and doing. I care about you.
Eileen
Hi Alice,
I am so sorry you are feeling this badly. You are a very smart young woman, though. You know why? Because you know how to reach out when you're hurting. You know how to access the resources that are available to you. I'm really proud of you for doing that and for not giving in to your impulse to hurt yourself.
I agree with Eileen. My first thought when reading your note was that your therapist didn't express herself well enough...or maybe you misinterpreted what she was saying. My guess is she meant that you may need more intensive help; more than what she can offer at this time.
Please do call the doctor and make an appointment to see him. Tell him this is an emergency and that the medication is making you worse and what you need now is to feel better. I can't recall if you are on other meds, but it sounds like the depression needs to be taken care of before the ADHD.
Will you call him now and leave him a message that it's critical that he call you right back?
Hang in there!
Terry
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Hey Alice,
I've only got two minutes to write this which makes me sad because your post deserves more time and thought than that.
In my 18 years of advocacy experience, having worked with thousands of people, I have yet to meet one person who is beyond help.
It is a myth. It is not true. Therapists are human and sometimes they say things that are reactive and insensitive to their clients. That is a reflection on the therapist, not in any way on you.
Sometimes a good cry can be cleansing and even re-energizing. Today would be a good day to do some self-care. I'm so sorry this happened. I'd be really upset too. I agree that this was a bad session, but nothing more than that. There is so much that can be done to help you and for you to do to help yourself.
I'll write again late tonight.
Grandma Lise
Seriously, I just printed this out and I am putting it in my wallet to remind myself. Random, I know. But it's very,very,very inspiring and gives me hope right now at a time where I desperately need it.
Hey gs,
I want you to know that I spoke with Alice over the weekend. She's doing just fine. She spoke with her therapist on Friday. The therapist did not intend to take away Alice's hope. She actually cares very much about Alice. These things happen sometimes. It's happened to me to.
I've had my share of bad days. I call those days "reset" days. I go to bed and start again the next day.
Hope that tomorrow will be a better day is sometimes what is needed to carry us through difficult times. That and looking for opportunities of support and help. I'll be thinking of you today.
Grandma Lise
Thanks for letting everyone know that I am doing wel. In hindsight I probably should've done that but I hadn't given it any thought. So thanks again.
~Alice
Hey Alice,
It's so nice to know that people really care and want to know how we're doing. That's one of the many things I like about ADHDCentral.com.
Grandma Lise
Thanks so much and I'm glad to hear your doing better Alice! I recently saw a psychologist who thinks I may have ADHD, so it's been a whirlwind this past week.
Thanks for everything and I wish you both well and that I'll see you both post as I read this list more and more. What a godsend this list is! gs