Welcome!  You are in the company of thousands of other parents who struggle with the same issues.  My kids are a little older but I still live your life almost every day.  Don't forget that parents of 13 year olds without ADD have the same issues too...we always said that the day of my kids 13th birthday they woke up 13 and we suddenly became stupid.  All 13 year olds, regardless of ADD, ADHD, are egocentric and put on this earth to test the limits of their parents.  It gets harder as they get older because they have had more practice testing you.  It seems like it is a teens job to drive you to distraction, but really what they are doing is trying on their independance.  They need to prove to you that they don't need you.  Actually, it is really healthy.  Our job as parents is to raise our children so that they can leave us.  We should want them to leave us, to not rely on us for everything. 

We want to save our children from making mistakes.  Mistakes however, are sometimes the sledge hammer to the head that our ADD and ADHD kids need.  It is not so bad if they suffer the consequences of their actions, as long as they aren't  hurting themselves or others.  It provides you an opportunity for a "teachable moment".

One way to keep your sanity is to pick your battles.  Decide if there is something your kids do that frustrates you but in the grand scheme of life really isn't important at all.  I have a friend that did all the housework in her house, her teenage kids weren't expected to do anything at all.  She was always harried and overworked and complained about it constantly.  I asked her why her kids didn't at least help with the laundry, she said she didn't like the way they folded towels and sheets and put them in the linen closet.  They didn't fold the towels the right way and they didn't put them on the shelves the way she liked them.  Gee, the kids were doing the wash, folding the towels and sheets and putting them in the linen closet.  She really needed to get over the fact that the towels weren't perfect and all the hems on the sheets weren't lined up in the same direction.  She was really the problem, she didn't like how they did things so she did them herself.  Her choice so either she relax her standards or stop feeling overwhelmed.

I found that the more structured my kids lives were the better it was for them and for me.  My son (age 17) actually complaines when there is a change in his schedule.  He feels more secure when he knows in advance exactly what to expect.  He then knows what is expected of him.  His favorite teachers are the predictible ones, the ones who  have an agenda and follow it.  He feels out of control when he has the "fun" or "spontaneous" teacher who suddenly changes the lesson plan.  He does not like doing homework for a class and then having the teacher change the plan.  My kids know that they go to school at a certain time, have practice after school, that they are picked up at a certain time and a certain location.  It gives them a sense of order.

As far as your son getting through school, I am assuming because of his disability he has an IEP (individualized education plan) that addresses academic and behavior needs.  Make sure the school does what is in the plan.  Some of the things commonly used in IEP's include:

1. A quiet and separate place to take tests.

2. Additional time allowed on tests.

3. Additional time given for the completion of homework.  My son has 5 additional school days to turn in homework for full credit. 

4. Chunking of large assignments/projects into smaller sections so that the project is not so overwhelming.

5. a learning support class and teacher to help learn organizational skills.

6. access to a computer or calculator.

7. teachers can provide outlines of the lesson or skeletal notes to help keep the student on task for notetaking.

8. Weekly updates to the parents on projects/assignments due, grades, areas of concern.  I get emails every Monday about the upcoming week, any assignments that will be given out that week and any assignments that have not been turned in yet.

9. regularly scheduled meetings with teachers.  We have one the second week of school and every other month.  It gives you an opportunity to size up the teachers and an opportunity to develop a relationship.  It also sends a message that you are an active part of the team.

There are alot of ways you can help your son get through school.  Hell, I have even written a poem for him when he was overwhelmed with work.  I figured that he probably won't be writing many poems for a living, so just to show my support for him, my understanding of his stress and to prevent a D, I wrote it.  Don't feel guilty at all, although I only got a B for my efforts.

You have to assume that your ADD kid will make bad choices.  I always check with the other parents when he says he is going to someone else's house.  He knows that I check the odometer so I know if he is driving anywhere other than he says he is.  I interact with other parents to see that we have a united front...it is easier to enforce rules when all your friends parents have the same rules. 

I also give my kids an excuse to avoid drinking and taking drugs that saves face when pressured by their peers.  I bought drug test kits at the local drug store that test for 12 different controlled substances.  I randomly tested my kids once, I keep the other kit on hand.  My kids tell their friends that they can't do anything becuase they never know when their mom and dad will drug test them.  My daughter, now age 20, said that was one of the biggest favors I ever did for them. 

Get the book " You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid?"  it is written for adults with ADD,ADHD.  It will give you a different perspective, and my son read it at about your son's age.  I keep it out because he still needs to look at it.

As hard as it is try to focus on the positive.  I bet your kid is bright, creative and when he isn't being 13 can actually be funny.  Remind yourself of his strengths and don't always focus on the parts that make you nuts.  Sometimes I have to remind myself not to take everything personally, he isn't deliberately trying to provoke me. Try to keep structure in your life and be as consistent as you can be.  And like the saying goes "Don't sweat the small stuff"

LJM

stephtn07

3/13/09 5:18pm

My son, is the sweetest, most compassionate child....he is not a bit of trouble, thankfully. My daughter has ADHD, and that is another ball of yarn...lol, but not my son. He is easy going most of the time, and loves his moma...thank goodness, but I do spoil them rotten. I do have to start letting go, but how do you let go, without BARKING orders all the time. I feel like the bad guy, when I added chores a few years ago, thinking that it would given them some responsibilities, well...it was chaos, I had to follow them around like 2 year olds, remember to do this and dont forget to do that, and then I got frustrated, and said fine...I will do it, forget this!! Now, I see my 13 year old as needing more responsibilty, and yet I am afraid to lay anything else in his lap right now, because it seems like he is so overwhelmed, does that make sense? but, I am probally alot of the problem, I have to admit, I feel guilty, I guess...because a few years back I got sick, and could not be there as much, and was sick for a year and a half, so now that I am better, I do try and go out of my way to do things that they really could and should do. I guess when people say if one person in the family is out of sinc, the whole family is out of sinc...that is true. But, now I need to start getting my foundation built, and I pray I didn't wait too long? I suppose the best plan of action would be a written schedule, including chores, right? Another question, did you ever consider "homeschooling"? Thanks

Brookie

3/14/09 10:32pm

Hi there! You should def. create a schedule that was the best thing I ever got. Time Management is a HUGE key in our development with ADHD/ADD. I struggled my whole life and finally have got my life put into place. My mother is by far my best friend in the whole world. When I struggled with ADHD my mother was there by my side every step of the way. We need someone to make the decisions for us and help us get in the door. You see things other than the way we do. Your their mother you have complete right to be there for them and protect them. (Trust me we don't blame you) haha Sit down and talk with the, ask them what they want to do and what they want you to do. Make lists with pros and cons. Get a plan all organized and put it to the test. It will be time before you get a good schedule going and before it's perfected (it may never be) It's very hard and you have all the reason in the world to be frustrated. I would get frustrated so much sometimes that I would go home and drive my mom crazy to the point she would cry. lol It is quite hilarious when we go back and look at all the memories. I remember her reading all my books to me and helping me write papers. There is nothing wrong with you helping your kids and doing things they sometimes clearly can. I still get help from my mom writing papers, just because its something we share and enjoy doing together. Your kids are lucky to have such a good mommy and to be so close. Kids are not as lucky as us. :) Make sure the schools know of their diagnoses so they can get accomodations. The documentation of the diagnoses will go to the counselor or who is in the disability department. They can get more time on tests(go sit alone to take it if they want) can be excused from class every so often. Get maybe bring a tape recorder in and even have personal notetakers. This was really important to me because you feel like you just want to give up but that fight is really worth it in the end. College will be very difficult but with those accomodations...WOW what a difference. Well I'm hear if you have any questions. I can tell you anything from experience like maybe what to try, foods, daily routines. Anything just ask away :) Also don't forget don't blame yourself for anything. Everything happens for a reason. You love your kids, theres nothing wrong with that. Maybe let them choose. Don't be afraid to ask. I would encourage (if and when their old enough) to get a little tiny job just to start "planning" their time. Time managment is the hardest thing to do (for me at least) Well good luck my friend. Always here to talk.

Toodles for now,

Brooke

stephtn07

3/17/09 2:16pm

Sometimes it is hard to know whether you are just spoiling them too much, or if they  are even trying...you question who is really wanting this...them or you?  I dont just want them to get their education, they have to...you know?  But, regardless I will keep pressing....But you said that you could advise about diet?  Well, so far I cut out soda's with caffeine, and chocolate, things like hi gh in caffeine and sugar...anything else need to be added or taken away?  Thanks..for the help.

Brookie

3/17/09 8:29pm

Well you are right on with the refined sugars and caffeine. That's the biggest thing. Anything with artificial dyes and sweetners. Those used to make me go crazy bizzerco. Not in a crazy way just in a hyper YAY life way. :) If that makes sense. Have a balanced protein and carb. diet. and eat a lot of fresh fruits and veggies. A good multi vitamin with no artifical colors and sugars because sometimes it is related to a mineral deficiency. For ADHD calcium magnesium sometimes really helps to (that would be in the multi vitamin) You don't have to be really strict just those few things to really watch for. Oh and the worst thing for me is any kind of sugar or caffeine near bed time, that keeps my eyes peeled open alll nighhhttt. lol From experience, I hated school and never wanted to go. The only thing that kept me going was my mother. (Forced me to) lol Somedays she would let me have a break and miss a few days just to relax. It can/does get very frustrating sometimes and noone understands. Kids will be kids, you seem to got it down pat. I wouldn't worry so much live it day by day. You can never love your kids to much. I consider spoiling to be giving them every single thing they want. Answering their every request. It least you are participating in their lives. That's a great thing for when they get older. They can confide in you and be open with you. Good luck, everything will work out.

All the best,

Brooke

LJM

3/19/09 1:36pm

Honey, I thought about home schooling and realized that it would be like Northern Ireland or the middle east every day.  I think home should be a shelter,  let school be the stressful place.  Besides, we have enough on our plates without that too.  Plus our kids need to learn how to be out in the world, how to work as a team, how to talk to other people and get used to others expectations and personalities.  By now your kids can read you like a book and they know every button to push, they also know that we love them and want them to succeed.  Their boss someday will expect them to perform their jobs or meet the consequences, I think school is a great place to start learning that process.  I also believe that you can't just throw your kids in school and expect them to educate them for you.  You have to be an equal partner and sometimes a fighting advocate.  Make sure your child gets all the accomodations they need to meet the challenges of their learning disability.  Keep in constant communication with the school. Get the learning support services your child needs, from learning organizational skills, communication skills, self advocacy to reading, writing and math.  You have to stay on top of everything or things can get out of control fast.  Get your kid protected by the American Disabilities Act and develop an IEP (individualized education plan) and be suspicious of the school....they usually want to get by as cheaply as they can with as little help as they can.  Remember, once something is in the IEP they HAVE to honor it.  A teacher can't decide they don't want to do something, if it is in the IEP it must be done, period.  Be creative, look for creative ways to meet the needs of your kid.  My son used to come to the IEP meetings so we could ask him if something would help or not.  For instance, one teacher though we should hang a list of things to do on the inside of his locker so he could see it everyday before he went home.  He laughed and said that would be no help at all, he would forget to write anything on the list and would be in such a hurry to go home he would never read anything written there and during a transition time he would be so unfocused that he wouldn't be able to find anything on the list anyway.    Having additional time for homework was helpful, my son had 5 extra school days to turn something in for credit.  The teachers emailed me his assignments for the week, any tests planned for the week, any worksheets he would need on Monday mornings.  They would also let me know what was due that week.  Very helpful.  Especially sending the worksheets, I hated getting messages from teachers that said that this worksheet was due on Tuesday and knowing that my kid had already lost the worksheet.  I also included that anything sent home from school that needed my attention was mailed or emailed to me.  That way we avoided the black hole where school papers go to die. 

 

Remember that transition times are always going to be hard.  Changing from class to class, school to home, vacation to home etc. are always difficult.  Try to prepare your kid as much as you can for transition, surprises are not good.  I never had a routine written in stone, but I tried to keep the weekly routine as predictable as possible.  If he knew what to expect he was much more comfortable (and drove me crazy just a little less)  As far as chores, you bet it is awful.  I try to keep them simple.  He laughs because he has an IQ that is through the roof but I give him directions that are simple and I pick chores that are one or two step chores.  My son is in charge of all the recycling in the house.  He gathers cans, bottles and papers and sees that they are in the proper bins, then he takes them to the curb on Sunday night.  I let him set up his own system and I tell him every day after dinner that now is the time to collect the recycle.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it takes days to get him to do it.  If he doesn't get it done, he asks for movie money and well, it just isn't avaialable to him.

I will ask him to rake the yard the day before it should be raked and then remind him at bedtime.  When it is time to rake I tell him, I also tell him what I expect, that he should rake the backyard today and when he is finished he can go off with friends but he will have to do the front yard tomorrow.  Or he can do it all today and take tomorrow off, but the yard will be raked by tomorrow night.  I also expect him to goof off and take a lot of breaks, I expect I will have to pull him back in a couple of times but if the job is done he gets a big thank you.    You just can't give up, you have to stay with it.  I also try to let him know what work life is really like.  Sometimes when he asks for something I tell him "Honey, I have to work 3 1/2 hours to pay for that"  or "that will cost me 7 hours of pay, I don't know if it is worth it".   Remember, your responsibility is to prepare your kids to leave you.

stephtn07

3/19/09 7:42pm

I spoke to the lady from the Central Office and she even attended this last meeting concerning josh, the unfortunate thing is this...because he has mastered all his standardized test, and that he is showing to be able to learn or achieve, they cannot find him as having a disability.  He does not have a learning disability?  Just an attention problem....?  At any cost, he is now not really going to get an IEP, apparently.  So, therefore the teachers dont have to make accomadations.  We did ask that all assignments be sent via e-mail, and have not recieved even one yet?  Nothing we suggested has been done.  Josh says they have not did anything so far to make it any easier...I am not going to get the cooperation from the school, I see that already.  Considering, he is going to fail this year, that means he would have the same teachers again next year, with nothing to hope on, I feel like I am being left no other option at this point.  I have to make sure that he gets his education...and I know that if anyone would be determined to help him, then it would be me, since the teachers, or the principal are not going to help.  I do however, agree with you one hundred percent...I want him to go to school, make friends, have time away from home, even learn to cope, and continue on in public schools as he has in the past, but at this point I am getting nothing done relying on the teachers to help us.  I cannot afford to sit by and do nothing and surely...Josh cannot afford to loose his education, not these days.  I feel like my heart is breaking...I feel helpless....I feel guilty....I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING...right?

I just wish that there was a magic bean...lol....regardless...I need more advice, about this...I need to hear the truth and I appreciate you supporting us...I am just scared for my son...I have had so many thoughts here lately, I should have done things differently, maybe?  But, now where do I go...where do I turn?  I cant afford to wait any longer though, and I know that...time is of the essence!!

 

Any advice...suggestions...or am I over reacting?

 

Thanks

Stephany

reedera4

9/17/09 2:53pm

Hi Steph,

I was reading the posts on your situation and looks like this is where it left off.  If your son has been diagnosed, the school system cannot refuse to do an IEP for him!!  If they are still refusing, you need to contact an attorney, because what the school system is doing is not legally right!