Written by
Terry,
Thank you for sharing your story. I especially appreciate your comment about the despair that can set in once a late-diagnosed woman realizes what held her back for so many years. I am one of those women. As I learn more about my ADHD, take medications, go to therapy, engage with supportive groups like CHADD and ADDA, I am much more compassionate with myself about my situation, but I find it hard to convince my family and significant others that ADHD has had such an enormous impact on my life. I face invalidating comments from my mother, my husband, and friends - who mean well, but completely underestimate how my unique cognitive wiring challenges my life. I don't want to hand them all a book about ADHD in adults, or spoonfeed them about my reality, but my self-esteem is hard to repair in the face of their well-meaning, but nonetheless nonsupportive attitudes. It seems I am held to the same standard as a non-ADHD person, and they mistakenly believe that medications should solve everything for me, without realizing the important impact of comorbid anxiety, lifelong low self-esteem, not to mention hormonal fluctuations - on my situation. Do you know of a subtle but informative resource that I can share with these people in my life? If I'm told to "try harder" one more time, or "oh, there's nothing wrong with you, you're VERY intelligent..." I'll lose it.
Thanks,
Kim
Hi Kim,
Thanks for sharing your comments; I can see how painful things are for you.
It is sad- and I hear this over and over again- when family and friends simply don't get it. It takes all of one's energy just to LIVE with it, but to also have to defend yourself while also trying to educate them, is pretty exhausting and only contributes to more feelings of defeat.
If they are unwilling to read, go to CHADD and other meetings, would those closest to you be open to attedning one of your therapy sessions with you? Sometimes a 3rd party can help in explaining just how this impacts you and how it has nothing to do with trying harder or being intelligent.
If that is not an option for you, then I would continue to focus on YOU. As you become more comfortable with your ADHD and find that treatment does improve matters, they will begin to see a subtle shift within you. It may take a lot of work on your part, because one thing you'll need to do is get to a point in your life where you really do accept your ADHD 100% and as Sari Solden says in her books, to "embrace it."
When shifts occur in individuals, it begins to change in other ways, particularly in relationships. I'm not sure how long ago you were diagnosed, but this piece can take quite a bit of time. But with that acceptance, you really will see changes in those around you.
Talk to your therapist about ways to respond (internally and externally) when you get such comments from those around you.
I do think that in time, you will work through a lot of this "stuff", as long as you continue with the treatment you're getting.
It's a long, tough road, but you are making all the right moves in the right direction. Don't stop now!
Terry
When I read Teri's response and saw her acknowledgment that when people don't "get" it our lives are rendered that much more difficult, I remembered what I had to teach myself, again and again. And again.
We don't so much need them to "get" it, as to just believe it. Scientists don't get it. EYE don't get it, though I've surely GOT it.
The evidence, I have said more than a few dozen times here and there, is right here, and here. The evidence that I have an impairment is in the washing machine, smelling like mildew. The evidence is on the clock: it is 7:30 and we have not eaten dinner.
The evidence is in every complaint you have about me. Think about it. That is all you need to know. Every time things are messier than average and especially when messier than average HERE, that's evidence I'm not doing so hot. Every time I am late, it's evidence about my planning or my timing.
Yes, you may register with me your feelings about how this affects you. When you do, though, remember that if it were MS, or a seizure disorder, you'd kill anyone who spoke to me the way you sometimes do about the way I function.
Scientists don't really understand it, so I don't expect you to. What I want from you is just to believe it. The evidence is everywhere.
Terry,
Thank you for your insightful response. Your words were a healthy reminder that its not my job to convince everyone that I'm suffering from a legitimate disorder. My primary job is to take good care of myself. Sometimes my ACoA traits get in my way, and I start wishing I could change others (especially those that are close to me), and then I just feel overwhelmed.
Part of my trouble is, I have painstakingly, and by the skin of my teeth, achieved academic degrees and professional standing - so I am probably projecting my fear to others - assuming they don't believe me because I eaked out some triumphs over the years, and maybe that cranks up my sensitivity to whatever seemingly invalidating things they say to me.
But like you said, I can work this out in therapy, and I'm awfully glad I have someone caring to talk to regularly. I was diagnosed only 4 and a half years ago, at age 31, and it was a rude awakening. I had worked so hard, trying to out-succeed my family-of-origin pain, that to hit the ceiling and find out I'm not so exceptional - in fact I'm mentally challenged to some degree, was incredibly hard for me to accept - not to mention my husband, who thought my impulsivity was "quick wit" and my inability to maintain friendships just meant more time for him. He, in particular, never wanted to admit that I was "disordered."
I visited Sari Solden's web site today, and I am so impressed with her candor about her ADHD! I feel grief over my inability to live out in the open like that, and I wish I could experience the kind of joyful look of freedom she posesses. I keep blaming other people's reactions to my ADHD as an excuse to shamefully hide my truth from most other people in my life.
Before diagnosis, years ago, I convinced every friend, relative and acquaintance that I would amount to something "great" and now I have a hard time admitting to them that I failed. I lost another job. I offended another person at another wedding (although with medication I offend only 1/10th the amount, but still)... So, there's much work to be done, but I am pleased by your encouragement that I am on the right track. Sorry about the length of this - oh wait, you might just understand the inherent challenge of brevity.
Thanks, again,
Kim
Hi DocBets-
It's great seeing you here- thanks for dropping in.
I agree with everything you're saying. The one problem, though is that even though there is evidence of this thing called ADHD and how it impacts us on a daily basis, how do you stop people from insisting you could do BETTER if you only tried? Even with the mildew laundry, or the lost keys, or whatever evidence that proves "this" is real. How do you get them to see that it's not something you do on purpose?
Hi Kim,
Have you read Sari's book, "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder"? You'll see that she didn't get to this place of so-called acceptance easily or quickly. I think we, as women- and men!- can all aspire to get there and even stick together to encourage each other as we realize the difficulty in doing it. But it is doable; it just takes time, effort and support. I'm glad you have someone you can talk to and...I'm also glad you're here!
Terry
I think it is understandable we want people to get it, even to just believe it; but not reasonable to expect it. That's the evidence WE need to keep an eye out for.
And, yup, people do often see what they believe already. So, I imagine, do we. Like how I assumed for so long my husband was a minor S.O.B. for how he interpreted certain things. I have finally come to see that MY need for labels on refrigerated containers makes life work lots better, while lables to him are tedium he cannot bear. I try not to keep score.
My 15-year old daughter is reliable for saying in those tough moments when everybody is fqalling short of everybody else's needs: "We are all doing our best, here."
I have to just shrug and accept sometimes how imperfect everything is and just go about my business the best I can.
Terry,
I don't think it's humanly possible to "get them" to do anything. You know, all that therapy stuff we learned so long ago. I do think, though, that if one is associating with people at home or out and about who are of good heart and plan to stick around, they do eventually come to terms with what must be some very important disappointments.
How can one see into another person's head? (And I say, how can someone not get that I gove a hoot and can't help it. Or if I can help it, it's because I was doing little else but watching the clock, so woops, I left the checkbook at home.)
I think I have been so immersed in trying to help my daughter raise herself, as she has such intractable problems, I stopped engaging in marital/other famiial persuasions, and it's as though that provided some distance from the daily annoyances which I'd never have been able to manage enforcing for myself without something else hollering at my cognitive system even louder.
There is an air of acceptance around here I wouldn't have predicted.
I'm shrugging as I type. I don't think there are real answers, and when someone has one, it might be applicable to that person only. We're alone even as we hold hands together in places like this.
Hi Docbets,
So how do you account for the current calm "temperature" at your home? I don't want to get too personal, but maybe it can shed some light on what that shift is and where it came from. Perhaps it took this long for the family to really accept all of this because they hung in there?
I still think that as one becomes more accepting of her/his own ADHD, shifts occur in relationships and, in my experience, there comes more acceptance and empathy. In our home, it's shifted even further into a source of humor (though NOT in a cruel way, of course- and not always; there is still tension at times, like when bills don't get paid, etc).
Terry
Docbets,
More and more I see how each adult with ADHD is so unique. Its as though we each need a customized approach toward our wellbeing, based on our past issues, current supports, comorbidities, etc. At the same time I (want to) believe that universalizing our challenge can be helpful. There is an awful lot of stigma about adults with ADHD - I mean even some psychiatrists imply that kids somehow grow out of it by 18 or shortly thereafter! Oh and if they don't, well they should, so as not to annoy all the "normal" functioning people in society. I feel this misperception in the tones of family, at times too, usually right when I'm contemplating making myself vulnerable to them, in need of their support. I even came across a website recently titled something like "the scam of adhd" - so while the evidence of ADHD is all around us, so is the stigma. These opposing forces (evidence and stigma) seem almost equal, at this time.
I find it a tough pill to swallow that I have to shut out the stigma messages and just work on myself - yet I know this advice is sound in that it directs me back into my realm of influence, my internal locus, and empowers me somewhat. But it also smacks of the rugged individualistic stoicism that got me into trouble in the first place - trying to (this time psychologically, not academically) personally achieve my way out of pain.
So I'm having mixed feelings about stigma and what to do about it. Your thoughts have been helpfully provocative.
Thanks,
Kim
Terry,
Thank you for those supportive words. I plan to order a copy of her book, but what holds me back is my fear that even her wise words will somehow leave me feeling invalidated! I know, that sounds crazy - but that's just HOW sensitized I am right now to being misunderstood. Ugh.
I fear she'll make sweeping statements about how girls acted in school when their ADHD was not yet detected, and it won't resonate with me in a way that I need it to. I realize my beliefs are half-baked with this fear, but it still feels strong and real.
Wish I was mightier,
Kim
Kim,
I know what you mean, esp. about doctors. I was nervus about taking myself yo one because they so often don't want the patient to know much, and I did. I was very lucky though and have received good if not totally excellent care. My doc trusts me to know what's up and knows I keep up with the latest. He's flexible and gives a ****.
On the ther hand, I couldn't get a doc rto diagnose my daughter, and was all but told I wasnn't a relaible observer/interpreter of her problems because of my neurological condition! I acted *thanks to Ritalin) restrained and a bit out of it as I led him in a roundabout-but-unerring way to taking his Rx pad out and writing "Adderall" on it. To be fair, he later did acknowledge his having been skeptical and said, "Gee, we must be missing a lot of girls."
As for individualizing, I also agree we are all in the same boat, or at least rowing alngside each other in very similar boats, in choppy water. And our methods for getting where we are going may be mostly the same even if we each have our own set of custom-made oars.
Thanks for writing.
Betsy
Terry,
Well, I can only say we have taken ourselves in for "repairs" from time to time, and maybe you just can't stick around watching your spouse at her absolute worst and at her unfathomably difficult-to-do best, and not take notice, especially when she's still pretty fond of you.
But as I say, a person has to be originally a decent sort to have that capacity. Pure dependency wouldn't do it. Also, he loves our daughter so fiercely he's never, ever, been stingey about effort going her way, and he knows how difficult that can be.
My tardiness still really angers him, though, but after all this time, I rarely consider it my problem, as it's a fact of life by now and he's got a "thing" about it. Not that I'm not sorry, but regret doesn't make me punctual.
Betsy
Hi Kim,
I have known all my life there was something wrong. I am very intelligent and have had so many incredible career opportunities and relationships, however I have always ruined them. I have been very shamed because I couldn't seem to make life work the way everyone else did. I somehow reached 63 years of age ( 2008 ) through faith in God and sheer grit, before knowing I had it. I thought over the years it must be depression and I would get medication for a short time. I knew deprssion just didn't fit. I have always been told; you have so much potential if you only tried, the trouble with you, you just don't think, are you lazy?, just do it ( Boo Nike! ), you need to try harder, what do you have to be depressed about?, you're just a dreamer, why can't you just settle down and be like everyone else? I wanted so desperately to be loved and please everyone. Finally in January 2008 I just couldn't go on. I had worked so hard in 2007 trying so hard to build my business and another year of failure. I started taking anti-depression meds and finally by isolating myself I was able enough to crawl out from under the bed. I accidently discovered online women with ADHD. I went to the library and checked out many books, Sari Soldren, Weiss and Hollowell. It was like "Oh, my word!" So I called someone I have known for years to ask for a meeting. He is a PHD licensed therapist/Coach and has done counseling for 40 years, so I got up the courage to tell him what I believed was wrong with me and that I was very depressed. He promtly told me all I needed was to have an accountability coach and follow a business plan. He said I certainly wasn't ADD or depressed! I slunk back home and it has been a battle to say the least. After six months of my business in the red I didn't have much money but I was determined to get help. Next stop my GP, which cost me $75. and when I told her she said " Oh my God, you need to go to a Psychiatrist!" Like at my age I should just give up and sit down. I thought of doing just that, only I don't have savings and can't get disability or SS, I must support myself. I am divorced. So I called around, most won't see you if you don't have insurance. I found one and her assistant said she did work with Adult ADHD, it would be $300. 1st visit and $100. for med visits. I am so desperate for help I decided to do whatever it takes to get help and thought I would use my rent money. Well, here it is several weeks later, she wants me to come once a week and I am worse. She doesn't seem to understand how desperate I am even tho I took some ADHD info in and said this has been my life all my life. She has tried Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Provigil. There are no adult support groups in my area.
Sue
Sue, I am sad to hear that you have not received the validation and affordable, reliable help that you deserve. It seems every practitioner, of every persuasion, wants to fit us into their agendas: Visit a surgeon, they'll want to cut you open; Visit a herbalist, they'll find a million things you should buy from them... Its disheartening.
I don't know what area of the country you are in, and some areas offer more qualified help than others, but the first step is to get fully tested, and officially diagnosed. This requires a few hours with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Once you have the diagnosis in writing, then you can shop around for the best person to manage any therapy or meds. Once they see you are doing better, they won't require you to come in to be seen as much, and you'll really enjoy the greater autonomy.
I sometimes wonder if my husband is going to give up on me for not becoming something "great" and for being so consistently UNreliable with my income potential. But when I talk to him directly about it, he tells me I'm silly, that he'll always love me. Its nice to hear this from him. Society, on the other hand (including friends and other family) may not be that understanding. Adults with ADHD sometimes fall in a grey area - we aren't "disabled" by any traditional sense, but we appear to underachieve inspite of our best motivations. The public at large seems to lose patience with us at times, and I am starting to wonder if its THEM that need to change (their expectations, value-judgments), instead of us. But at the end of the day, we have to make ends meet, and that can be painfully difficult. Medications have really helped me manage finances better, and I no longer impulse-buy. So when my husband sends me on an errand while he's working, he can trust I won't stop off at a bunch of detours. I come right home, saving him time, and us money. But I'm 36, so I still had a lot of impulsivity left in me to treat. Yours might have peetered out with the gift of age. We each have our own crosses to bear with this, it seems.
Hope these thoughts are useful.
K.
Thanks for the helpful words. I was in shock over my diagnosis and frustrated when I wrote that. Since then I have realized what a blessing to finally know what it is. Awareness goes a long way toward healing of anything. No, the symptoms do not abate with age, and yes you would think a person would finally wear themselves out.
Not. If anything, as a person gets older they are even harder on themselves and want to know "Why after a lifetime of trying am I still spinning my wheels?" Or at least that has been my experience. What has helped me the most has been; knowing what the problem is and how I think and respond differently than most people, realizing I am not lazy, stupid or crazy, having helps such as reminders to myself "stay on task", stop and think before I commit to anything, eat right, exercise, have a daily list to somewhat keep me focused and get enough rest. My attitude to the world at large is "Viva La Differance!" I accept me so everyone else does and I don't share the diagnosis with everyone. My goal is to help other women to be all they can be. Blessings to you and remember your husband is blessed to have such a unique wife.
Sue
Wow Terry,
I knew some of it, but not all of it. How terribly scary in the beginning with the seizures and all that followed!! I relate to so much of the rest, too.
I was "diagnosed" by the PPS team at school (work) then confirmed at the subsquent doctor appt., but the "aha" moment came for me when I read Sari's book. Now I'm a proud contributor to your wonderful book! Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, I know, without a doubt, that many will relate to it! :)
Mary Kay
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Terry
Thanks for sharing that story. I know that there are many people out there that are feeling frustrated and not sure what to do or where to turn.
What a lot to deal with at one time. I am glad that your daughter has done well and improved over the years.
I know that the "ADD World" is so much better off because you did receive that diagnosis!
Eileen