Letting Go: Embracing the New You

 

Terry,

 

What a great post. I just wanted to add that this sense of loss is not only for those that have ADHD, but also for parents. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 12, Clinical Depression at age 14, and Bipolar Disorder at age 18. I often wonder how his life would be different had he been diagnosed earlier. Did I not fight hard enough to get him help? Did I not try to find answers for the problems he was having soon enough? What did I do wrong? 

 

It is difficult to be a parent watching your child struggle so and wondering how life could have been different for them, if treatment was received sooner.

 

But these are useless thoughts, because the past is set, it is only the future that is up for grabs. And so, it is the future (and the present) that we should focus on, accepting that your past has made you who you are today, and that who you are today is great! 

 

It is the experiences in your past that provide you with the knowledge and the strength to carry on and make your future better.

 

Thanks for your post and helping to remind everyone that we need to let go (but learn from) our past and move forward to an even better future!

 

Eileen

Terry,

That was a good piece to think and ponder on. At first I thought about the leaving home part, as I left home at not-yet-sixteen because I was unhappy, my mother clung to me and I was doing badly in school. Mostly I hated everything except my father who was no longer working much and we had fun goofing off, yelling stories, burping at the table, and for all of that, he took me to be a serious person.

 

Of course, now I know what was eating away at me (AD/HD) but I don't think I have any regrets about the decision to go away. If I'd known, I still can't imagine wanting to hang around there.

 

 Then I thought about my own daughter, who will pretty soon be "not-yet-sixteen," and who is probably more unhappy than I was and much less able to chuck this scene. And, her mother (that would be me) wishes mightily she would go ahead and, ah, leave the house now and then. Debilitated by an intractible anxiety disorder of an unusual type, she can no more go to college than to high school six blocks away. We don't know if she's going to make it to Grandma's 96th birthday on Sunday, even.

 

She had the dubious benefit of early (age 7) diagnosis of AD/HD, parents who have been more knowledgeable and empathic than most, resources many do no thave, and yet -- here she is, in 2008, stuck.

 

She is such a cool person: she talks about voting more often than she does about driving. She donates every penny she can scrape up to the candidate of her choice and to a microbanking organization overseas; she loaned money to a man who needed to buy a few more sewing machines for his cottage industry in order to expand and be able to support his brother's orphaned children.

 

She channels for my husband's dog which was a stroke of genius because the dog finally has a personality, such as it is. She likes to hang out with me. This is extraordinary because I couldn't bear to be around my mother, so I keep doing cognitive double takes on it.

 

She declares these things about herself and her conditions:

"I wouldn't have any friends if it wasn't for medication."

"I don't have a problem with self confidence, like they say anxious people do. I'm confident, I know what I can and cannot do. It just gets drowned so often in those waves of paralysis."

And, finally, "Self esteeeeem?? How could I have come this far if I didn't have adequate self esteem?"

 

I agree with her on every point. And, I say to her, often, this will get better, she will control it instead of the other wy around, and she'll be perfectly competent to look after me when I'm in my dotage. "Sure," she says. "Can you ride a horse in Dotage?"

Oh, Terry,

She is so aware of her limitations and what she's had to give up (everything from sleepovers, movies with friends and parties, to horseback riding, real school, maybe a little job, guitar, photography, any regular social life, etc.). She had a "normal" life, did things that interested her; she always had great friends -- some of whom still call and stop over and leave flowers on our porch whether she ever calls them, or not. She was always, we all now understand, anxious, but as she finished puberty, it just crashed in on her.

 

It sounds like you, and I to a much lesser degree, didn't even do a lot of things to begin with. And since I didn't want to do them, I didn't feel I was missing anything. Which is also sad.

 

Contrary to what I really believe, that it's better to have loved and lost, I'm so aware of the pain she's in that I sometimes wish we hadn't spent so much energy and time orchestrating the environment, finding the right conditions, etc. for her so that she could have the experiences kids do, growing up.

 

It was right for her, I know, but she too often now avoids her feelings, which is not how she was raised (!). New attempt with a new sort of therapist this week, so I'm await  ever hopeful and ever on the trail of something that will help her.

 

I await the day she returns to her own skin, dusts herself off, gives me a high five and leaves home. I will feel I am going to die of missing her, but as now when she is able to take off with a friend for awhile, I will be so happy for her, and have no clue what to do with my time (hah!).

 

I really like this web site, have visited some of the other areas, as well. Good work, everybody.

 

 

I am so very thankful for this article. I was diagnosed 5 years ago and got into learning all about ADHD but never have I dealt or realized just how deeply painful were the losses before diagnosis. This article is an eye opener for the rut I've been stuck in and a relief in that it is okay to hurt, but don't clutch that pain as a life line. It is also a relief to hear that this struggle of holding to the what if's is a common issue in our community. Thank you for encouraging, supporting and being honest as to this topic. It is challenging me to change my life for the better.

I am running out of steam and am broke. Just can't find the right spot anymore, can't pull off the jobs I used to do and don't have the right education. Pooped at 54 and want to let go of the past but don't have the skills to make money. I am sure most of we ADHD'ers are poor or broke and most help comes from Drs. or coachs who charge quite a bit of money. I am not on welfare (yet) nor eligable for medicare (yet) so I guess I will go on with out vacations or decent health insurance until my body/mind just give out.