Stardust,
I feel your pain. What can you do to get started unpacking that thing? Can you picture in your head how GOOD you'll feel when it's put away? How long do you think it would take? It always shocks me to find out that these boring chores usually don't take nearly as long as I'd thought. Then I smack myself in the head, wondering why I put it off for so long.
Hey Terry,
I can so relate to what you wrote.
Procrastination is such a problem for me. Lately, I've been trying to not step over or overlook things. It's a mindfulness exercise of sorts. If I see trash on the ground, I pass by it then give myself permission to turn around to pick it up and throw it away.
One of the lessons I am learning again and again is the importance of maintaining balance between my work and home life. When I allow my life to spiral out of control by working too much, I find that I let my self-care and home responsibilities go.
I'm going to try to post some progress toward one or more of my personal goals this week.
Grandma Lise
Grandma,
Thoughtful post. Have you figured out what you'd like to do?
Sometimes it helps to remind myself that by NOT doing something, I'm making a choice, just as by DOING something, I'm making a choice. Then I ask myself, am I happy with that choice? And I usually end up doing just what I've been putting off, because I realize that otherwise, I've made a choice to make my space cluttered, etc etc.
Not sure this is very clear...
Terry, you wrote: "It's that it simply becomes part of my bedroom landscape and I totally forget it's there. " And I am so grateful, because I've never been able to explain either to myself or others why things are left where they lay, where they fell, where they were hastily put down. This is exactly how it is, I could not have explained it better. I'm sending your column to my Mike immediately, because although he is very kind and patient and does not give me grief when things pile up in my room, when we finally do move in together I want to be more respectful of our SHARED space.
So, somehow I need to not let things out of place/not put away become part of our bedroom landscape. I have been relatively good about never letting the living room become cluttered. My main issue there is the newspapers I've read, waiting to be recycled, or the ones not read yet that I want to at least glance through. But my kitchen table, the area around that door, my bedroom and the computer room are rooms where the "landscape" has become quite cluttered. Too much so to expect any other person to put up with it. So, my goal is to de-clutter my kitchen table so maybe I can sit to eat my breakfast instead of standing at the counter. Or sit there to read my mail instead of lounging on my too-comfy couch where I am likely to fall asleep.
Next, I want to at least get one box or laundry basket out of my bedroom. Thats enough for a start, I'm already beginning to feel overwhelmed!
Thanks for your wonderful ability to sum it up so perfectly in words, not always an easy thing to do!
:)
Mary Kay
Thanks for your kind words, MK. I'm glad they helped.
I'm wondering if you're taking on too many changes right now. Can you pick one or the other so you don't feel overwhelmed?
Note, too how you figured out a system for the family room (or was it living room- I can't scroll up, here) and how you were able to make that work for you. What makes it easier to keep that room up? Just wondering...
Keep us posted on your progress, ok?
Thanks Terry.
Well, I finally washed out the slow cooker that was soaking on my counter for 2 weeks.
I haven't quite hit the bedroom yet. I was dog/house sitting the first half of my spring break. I got home yesterday, and besides taking care of some website updating I had to do for my state SSW association, I sat on my rear and read a "mind vacation" paperback. This morning I met friends for breakfast and made the mistake of returning two throw rugs to Marshall's. A mistake because I came home with 4 bags and a carry-on suitcase. (OK, so the suitcase was a steal and since I've been using my son's and we are BOTH traveling to my other son's graduation in May, I did need it.)
Now I'm going to go through and weed out what I need to take back. No, I don't do this habitually, luckily. I'm sure I bought things I don't NEED despite what a good deal they were...
You know, as I ramble on, I realize I did NOT take my meds this morning. Duh! Light bulb moment. Off, off and away!
:)
Mary Kay
Hi Laurie,
That has to be incredibly stressful! Tell me- how long would it take each day to do your paperwork at work? And where in your day could you fit that in? I hear this story so many times; people with ADHD taking their work home and then it's just hanging over their heads all weekend. It's a no-win situation.
Maybe we can help you come up with a strategy to finish up your work and not have to bring it home.
Ah Laure, I do this constantly. I really didn't know other people did this. I GUILTILY THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE!
The only one so rediculous to get myself in such a situation. I feel (INSERT ADJECTIVE HERE: stupid? ineffective? lacking?) that I get behind in the first place. Then I feel guilty not touching my bag at home. On a week night I'm exhausted and resentful of having to pull out paperwork at home. So I don't. Then I feel overwhelmed as I start the next morning at work, knowing full well that I've just lugged it all back to the office. And yes, Terry, it is an awful feeling.
Drowning is just what it feels like. Sometimes the work is as simple as writing things in my calendar book from the myriad pieces of paper I've stuck into it. Sometimes its reports.
I am on my last day of my spring break. I have perhaps 8 or 10 reports I've been putting off completing all year. I brought them home Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, every weekend and now spring break. I have not opened my work bags yet (yes, plural, there are three of them...) Our supervision changed from last year, and NO ONE has ever asked where my reports are, why the student's file isn't complete.
There's been a reduction in force, from full-time to 1/5 social worker, so I was given an "honorable discharge" two weeks ago. At the end of the school year I'm done. (I am pretty sure I have two very positive prospects for next year through close contacts I have.) My POINT is, I must have these flippin' reports done by the end of May.
Thank you to all who happen to read this for your positive thoughts I know you'll send my way. Now, if I can just begin. Just begin...that is the key. That is the stumbling block for me.
-Mary Kay
Hey mklmsw,
I went through something similar last year. It's a long, painful story.
I got through it by going out to dinner after work - (dinner included one margarita). During dinner, I'd make a few calls on my cellphone and would map out my plan of action for the night. I then returned to the office and would work for three to five hours. I'd then delay going into work the next day for an hour to an hour a half.
I did this until I got the job done. The margarita - (on the rocks, no salt) - was my favorite part. I think the key to my success was that I didn't go home until it was time for bed.
Grandma Lise
Hi Terry!
It's really great the way you describe how we get used to the mess to the point of not seeing it any more... but at the same time feel more and more stressed by it!
For some reason, it has become harder and harder for me to wash the dishes. I live alone, so it affects no one except from me. The worse is that I am anorexic and then I find myself every day not eating something because I don't want to wash the dishes I need to eat it (I have a person who cooks for me and I get my food every day in plastic containers). Sometimes I eat it from the plastic container, and if it's something like cucumber or carrot salad, I even take the pieces with my hands, just to not go into that kitchen!!
I wash the plastic containers every day to give them back, but that's all. It also has to do with a depression I am going through. But if you have any idea of how I can start attacking this, I will be so gratefull!!
Thanx a lot!
Hi Priscila,
Thanks for sharing this with me/us. Your questions are very very important and I hope I can give you some guidance.
First, doing the dishes is secondary to your health. So bear with me as I offer up some ideas that may not be politically correct in this day and age of environmental awareness.
You know that anorexia is not an easy thing to live with and in fact, can be life threatening. So I vote that you do ANYTHING- ANYTHING- to work out the dishes issue so that you can focus on eating.
First, stop using your plates/glasses and buy paper/plastic goods that you can toss. Forget about washing dishes. End of story. No guilt allowed.
Do you have to return the plastic containers or are they disposable? If the latter, discard when you're done with them.
Again, do whatever it takes to manage this problem so that the focus is on making sure you're eating. You do not need to take on the added worry about dishes.
Second, you mentioned depression. Any time depression is part of the picture, it becomes very hard to tackle daily chores. Please...please contact your physician and tell him that you are depressed and need help with that.
Let us know how you're doing, ok?
Terry
Hi Terry,
Thank you so much for your time, your nice message, your good advices, and your worry.
It's a great idea about the paper plates. I hadn't thought about it... But shall I just leave the kitchen as it is?? Maybe without the need of the dishes for eating it will be easier to wash them little by little. The plastic containers I give them back, but even when I always do it in the last moment, I normally have less trouble washing them.
The reason why I am so sad lately is because I lost two beloved dogs some weeks ago. I am taking two antydepresives for two years now, because I'm supposed to have an anxiety disorder with OCD, besides the ADD. That's why I don't take any meds for the ADD, cause my psych says they can crash againts the antidepresants and he doesn't want to do it while I live alone. He wants to try when my boyfriend, who works abroad, is here; that's in winter. So my depression is more or less controlled, but these days a big sadness added to it because of the lost of my doggies.
I am also on an online 12 Steps program for Anorexia. I have a sponsor. And I started a new therapy a few weeks ago. So more or less I'm working on it. But the ADD is not really being controlled and it's very hard for me to concentrate on my job and send it on time, to not hyperfocus on Internet, to have my house more or less clean... and those monsters in my kitchen sink!!! OMG!
During the last months, when my doggies were ill, I also spent a lot of money in doctors for them, so I had to ask for a lot of loans I have to pay now. So for the moment I don't have enough money for buying a lot of paper or plastic plates and forks. I will try when I get my next check. Meanwhile, and after reading the advices you gave to the other people who wrote, I have tried to wash, for example, one pot, or one spoon. The other day I managed to wash one pot and one pan, plus a fork, a knife and a spoon. Today I washed the pot again and the spoon and I'm having a cup of tea (I know for some it might look ridiculous, but for me it is really hard). So I guess that the only fact of writing to you, getting your nice answer and thinking that you, and maybe someone else, will read when I say I managed to beat those monsters, is already helping me a lot. And I really thank you very much for that.
Can I keep in touch?
Big hug,
Priscila
Dear Terry,
I've found many useful &/or moving things through the internet since learning about ADD and this is one of those posts that has actually moved me to tears. I've never been able to put into words this suitcase type episode - which pretty much sums up my entire life.
thank you ever so much for writing this.
I'm doing so much better this fall just knowing I have ADD (dreamy/not hyperactive) and I really have accomplished many things. I even have a project for organizing important papers now!
I haven't experienced the suitcase dilemma but I experience financial procrastination. I open the bills, I put them in a folder, I have a color-coded spreadsheet of when to pay what. It's taken me years, yes, years of trial and error to come up with this system. I don't always work it perfectly. Somehow, it all looks better on that colorful paper than in my checkbook. It's my checkbook that I have an impossible time with. I've never been able to balance a checkbook. Online checking? Sure, it's great if you look at it. But my fears of not having the numbers match up keeps me from looking at it.I'm really bad about entering transactions in my checkbook because of this fear. I never have enough money and the spending is always more than I have planned. So, I put off the bank statements (last month, I actually had such a disaster that I just literally started all over. This month, I balanced but next month? we'll see). I know that I can't put this stuff off. I have to face my financial fears. For me, procrastination is rooted in my fears. I have to face them head on. And one by one, I am getting there. Thanks.
Karen
Hi Karen,
Yours is a common challenge for those of us with ADHD and it's GREAT that you've figured out a system. It may not always work, but you certainly are on the right track.
You might want to use some sort of system reminder, ie Outlook or Google calendar, for example, and choose a time where you can work on this (awful) chore.
I always tell people that they should consider hiring someone to help them do this. Often times, they end up saving money by avoiding delinquent bank fees and overdrafts. There are people out there who can help with this task- bookkeepers looking for extra jobs or college kids who happen to be good with this sort of thing.
One really can save money by enlisting the help of others. Or if you have a friend or family member who can do this or keep you company (body shadow) while you tackle it, then go for it!
Terry
Hello, I can't believe that so many other people have the same difficulties around unpacking etc. I have a weekend bag sitting at the end of my bed from one week ago that I keep stepping around. More annoying is the pile of clothes that keep moving from my bed to the floor and somehow not wanting to be folded and put in the wardrobe!! Its strange, i've often thought about ADHD but not really pursued it as a possibility. Going to learn more as its all making sense....... Thanks 
I found this link now because I am losing my mind about completing a simple (or so it seems) school project. It really is simple. But I dragged along and procrastinated for so long that it kills me now, to have to do it at the very last moment, when everyone else is done with it. What bothers me the most is that I am perfectly capable of doing. And ... what bothers me even more is that if a friend of mine expressed frustration with any kind of project, I would jump in for help; help by telling them why they are procrastingating in the first place, as well as by telling them exaclty what they need to do to get it done. I will even call the following day to see if they got started and what it is I can do for them and so on and so forth. What I am saying is that I know what is going, I recognize the pattern instantly, its causes, its effects and its consequences, and that I am very resorceful when it comes to someone else, yet I am the very last one on my list when it comes to help. Why o why? I am not jealous of myself helping other people, I just need to have access to some of that help myself. Where is that very sense of urgency when it comes to me. When I need it the most? Needles to say I am glad I am not alone in procrastinating (thank you Terry!), but I want with ALL of my heart to end this procrastination monstery thingy; I want it out of my life, out out our, out of all of our lives for forever!
I feel your pain. I always am the first to help my friends and the last to recieve the favor. I don't understand what it is that I am doing wrong, but my lack of support from friends and family when i need it the most is killing me and causes me to procrastinate more often.
How do you slay this monster???
I have a serious problem. I have boxes and boxes of photos of our family. I went to a Creative Memories session when my oldest was a baby. They emphasized the need to keep photos in acid free albums, with acid free adhesive, decorated with acid free paper for adding color to the page, using acid free pens to write what is in the photos..... You probably know where this is going. Too many steps! A few times I started to put photos in albums. Now I have boxes of photos and unfinished albums.
Well, I have been planning since my kids were little that I would create an album of their childhood to give them when they graduated from high school. Well, my son is graduating in a month (!) and my photos are still in boxes. Now that we have a digital camera, the latest photos aren't even in a box; they are in the computer.
I also need to get some baby pictures made from negatives because the best ones I sent to grandma thinking that I would get copies. I think this is my biggest hurdle -- going through the pictures and figuring out which ones I don't have.
I am a stay-at-home mom, so I should be able to get this done. I have always had problems with long term projects. I will do any busy work before I will tackle a big job.
I can also relate to clutter becoming part of the landscape. I have piles of papers that sit there and sit there. When I am in a different room, I don't think about them at all.
I want to put this photo album together. Any suggestions?
Hi,
There are some very affordable online coaching groups over at ADDClasses.com ; you should check them out. Also, the www.ADDactionClub.com . They would help you figure out strategies so you can get this project done.
Terry
I am a 90%er. It's rare I finish anything. I love complex projects but can't seem to finish them once I'm on the "home stretch". I'm a terrible housekeeper and I am completely disorganized. I lose things that are sitting right in front of my face. I have to create systems for things so I don't lose them. I started making my bed every day because otherwise I will pile clothes on top of it and not put them away for weeks/months! I worried that I had "hoarder tendencies" because I am messy and forget about things! I am constantly distracted and have trouble listening to an entire conversation. I am a habitual procrastinator. I have weight issues. I have a hard time starting a vacation and some times get angry right before I leave and don't know why! I am intelligent, driven and likable but am not successful at all, can't keep to one career. I have long term distant friends but not daily friends. I get overwhelmed easily.
I suffered a minor brain injury almost 20 years ago (I'm 40) that changed my cognitive abilities (tearing and stretching of the brain cells due to severe whiplash). My girlfriend has been telling me over the past few months that I have ADHD. I would laugh and say, "maybe". Reading your article and reading the posts has made me feel better and worse at the same time! I believe I have ADHD be feel inferior now that I recognize it. Sigh.... something else to procrastinate about.
Thank you once again......
Hi Shugg,
Please consider going for an ADHD evaluation to see if your problems are due to that. There's help out there, too and it might change your life- in a good way- to get to the bottom of your problems and find solutions and support. It's not too late!
Terry
www.MomsWithADD.com
www.ADDconsults.com
I'm a single parent with no support. Medication is not an option as I can not afford ANY side effects. I'm researching some homeopathic approaches to help quell my wandering, busy mind. Is there anything I should be wary of? Also, with the help of my 10 & 12 year olds, we are puting together a light weekly schedule to assist with my lack of focus. They are on a weekly chores/allowance schedule as well. I'm finding that routines are helping but I still have trouble getting dinner together at a decent hour and am carrying extra guilt because of it. I can't believe how the smallest things can easily stress me out.
I appreciate your suggestions.
Hi,
Just do some good research and ask your doc about homeopathic options. They aren't always 100% safe and many haven't had stringent testing for safety and efficacy.
There is low cost coaching available online. Let me know if that's something you might be interested in.
Terry
www.MomsWithADD.com
www.ADDconsults.com
Hi,
Just do some good research and ask your doc about homeopathic options. They aren't always 100% safe and many haven't had stringent testing for safety and efficacy.
There is low cost coaching available online. Let me know if that's something you might be interested in.
Terry
www.MomsWithADD.com
www.ADDconsults.com
Hi, this is my first time making any type of comments on line, and I felt I had to this time because it is a BIG problem for me too. I am in my forties, and I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD, inattention type. My doctor says that it is a mild case, but I think that it's worse because I can't get past my procrastination regardless of how much Adderall XR I take. I am currently taking college courses, and I find it extremely hard to get each assignment done within the given suspense. I have tried different organization ideas, but they are not helping me. I'm afraid that I may not do well in my classes due to this problem. What should be my next step? Thanks
I am very glad to find this site and sad family member treated like a retarded it hurts real bad
It is really difficult living with people that don't undersatnd the invisble challeneges of ADHD. It is also diffuclt when you live with people who also don't understand that once you understand you ADHD you can learn to manage the barriers that get in the way of your progress.
The best thing you can do is educate yoruself about your own brand of ADHD; find out what you need to do in terms of managing it and learn the tools and language that you can convey to make them understand you are not broken.You have a unique brain wiring when understood can lead to your own kind of success and fulfilment in the world. You may want to take a look at these short videos that not only explains ADHD in scientific validated terms http://addca.ehclients.com/index.php/site/ADHD-Coaching-Blog-Extended/adhd_as_a_deficit_in_interest-special_to_the_washington_post/
but will encourage your family to learn more about what works for you and what doesn't. Just becasue you don't perform well in a world that limits the different ways you can do things does not make you inferior, it does, however, make you unique. http://www.facebook.com/adhdacademy?v=app_2392950137#!/video/video.php?v=101700219863991
It is really difficult living with people that don't undersatnd the invisble challeneges of ADHD. It is also diffuclt when you live with people who also don't understand that once you understand you ADHD you can learn to manage the barriers that get in the way of your progress.
The best thing you can do is educate yoruself about your own brand of ADHD; find out what you need to do in terms of managing it and learn the tools and language that you can convey to make them understand you are not broken.You have a unique brain wiring when understood can lead to your own kind of success and fulfilment in the world. You may want to take a look at these short videos that not only explains ADHD in scientific validated terms http://addca.ehclients.com/index.php/site/ADHD-Coaching-Blog-Extended/adhd_as_a_deficit_in_interest-special_to_the_washington_post/
but will encourage your family to learn more about what works for you and what doesn't. Just becasue you don't perform well in a world that limits the different ways you can do things does not make you inferior, it does, however, make you unique. http://www.facebook.com/adhdacademy?v=app_2392950137#!/video/video.php?v=101700219863991
Hi Juday,
This was the reply that was supposed to have been sent. The other one went out prematurely. I would appreciate whoever is moderating the replies to delete the other reply so there is no confusion.
It is really difficult living with people that don't understand the invisible challenges of ADHD. It is also difficult when you live with people who also don't understand that once you understand you ADHD you can learn to manage the barriers that get in the way of your progress.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself about your own brand of ADHD; find out what you need to do in terms of managing it and learn the tools and language that you can convey to make them understand you are not broken. You have a unique brain wiring when understood can lead to your own kind of success and fulfillment in the world. You may want to take a look at these short videos that not only explains ADHD in scientific validated terms http://addca.ehclients.com/index.php/site/ADHD-Coaching-Blog-Extended/adhd_as_a_deficit_in_interest-special_to_the_washington_post/
But will encourage your family to learn more about what works for you and what doesn't. Just because you don't perform well in a world that limits the different ways you can do things does not make you inferior, it does, however, make you unique. http://www.facebook.com/adhdacademy?v=app_2392950137#!/video/video.php?v=101700219863991
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Me too!
My suitcase sits for about 2 weeks.
Before the end of the month.I would like to go thru all ove my personal papers and organize them.
I am so excited to do it..I know it will help me locate important stuff quickly!
-Urban
Urban,
Are you ready to get started? Can you spend 10 minutes on it?
Terry