Milestones and Mothering

Sally,

Thanks for your kind words- can't wait to see your new site.

Feel free to link to the article here. Because of copyright issues here, we can't allow the full article to be posted on other websites. Let me know when you're up and running, ok?

Thanks,

Terry

absolutely-

take a look at the present site www.everykidmobility.com if you have not seen it-

As soon as the blog is up, i will let you know and put a link to it-

Sally,

What a great site- what a great project. You are amazing! I'll share it with my local special needs groups. Fantastic!

Terry

thanks Terry-

I look forward to more working together- your stories are so terrific- You have the rare talent of being able to put your heart on the page.....

Aww...thanks, Sally. Looking to hear more from YOU! Keep up the great work you're doing.

Terry

Terry,

Thanks for writing about the milestones of children and adults with adhd it makes me feel so much better.

Hi Belynda,

I'm going to have to remember that line. It's so true, isn't it? You'd think that after all these years, we'd be *somewhat* immune to such conversations, but I find it's not true. Especially during times of life transitions.

I have a relative that emails all of us cousins to brag about her brilliant grandchildren. Sometimes it's better to just delete than read them.

Terry

I'm always tempted to buy one of those bumper stickers that say "My kid can beat up your honor student."  Unfortunately, that probably isn't true.  And mine usually WAS an honor student, but keeping him in a mainstream class was a constant challenge.

About a month ago I ran into the proud mom I mentioned in my earlier post.  She rhapsodized about her three perfect offspring (incidently, they are real cuties and very nice young men who have never been less than polite to my son), then asked in a very somber and sympathetic tone "How's Jesse?"  I responded that he was doing well, and had recently had two short stories published that got excellent reviews.  She never seemed to hear a word of what I said and with the same sympathetic facial expression just replied, "That's nice" as if I had said that he had finally achieved toilet training or something.  Since she obviously had not processed the fact that he had actually received some accolades for two of his short stories, nor even that he had managed to WRITE short stories, I decided that she didn't need to know that the stories were merely fan fiction and that the reviews were from his fellow geeks on the fan fiction forum.  I suspect that I could have said, "Oh, he just won the Pulitzer," and she would have responded in the same way: "Oh, that's nice."

<sigh>  I'm sure I'm not being fair to this woman.  She irritates me when she's insensitive and again when she tried to be sensitive.  She really just doesn't "get it." And to be honest, when she gets together with another of our friends who is similarly competitive with her kids, it becomes a brag fest.  In other words, it's not just that I have a child with special needs, it's that she (and the other friend) have their own need to talk about their own children's virtues.  As I said, the kids themselves are nice kids.  Not as perfect as their moms would lead you to believe, but good kids.

Isn't that nice?

Belynda

Belynda,

Ya know..I can just picture that whole scenario and hear those women talking to you like that. Oh my...I know people like that and it's really awful. HOW do you keep those friendships alive? I'd be beyond the boiling point, for sure.

Do you even attempt to explain Jesse's issues to them? Or are they beyond being able to ever "get it?"

Terry

Hi Terry,

One of the challenges my husband and I have faced as a couple with a special needs child has been building and maintaining friendships with other couples.  (There's a new column topic for you!)  It's tough to have get-togethers with others when you can't get a sitter who can handle your child.  It's tough to do family get-togethers when the other family's kids can't handle your child.  It's tough to blame any of them for being unable to handle him when you can see his rages and bite marks.  And in today's society, once you do find couples with whom you can enjoy social activities, there is every likelihood that they will move away or split up.  And that is what has happened to so many of our old friends.

My husband and I basically have two couples with whom we occasionally go out to dinner, watch football games, etc.  The woman I mentioned as a problem is an old friend of one of these couples.  Sort of a peripheral friend to us, I suppose.  She is obviously not intentionally offensive, and I'm sure she doesn't think of herself as patronizing.  Over the years she and her husband have been included less and less frequently in any social events.  Not at my urging, but in large part, I suspect, because the other two couples are tired of her competitiveness.  She seems oblivious.  Actually, she seems to NEED to impress people with the accomplishments of her kids. She never brags about her own accomplishments or those of her husband, and is perfectly fine when discussing current events, movies, etc., but conversations eventually turn to her excellent children and the inevitable patronizing and overly-sympathetic questions about my son. 

We have a theory in the south that you can say anything you want about someone as long as you preface the comment with "Bless her heart."  That's pretty much how I handle this woman.  I also try to view it as her own disability.  Sort of a psychological neediness and obliviousness (is that a word?).

Fortunately (?), we don't have much of a social life (unless you count running into people at the grocery store), so there aren't many opportunities to get offended, at least by this woman. 

Bless her heart.

Belynda

Hi Belynda,

Actually, that IS a good idea for a SharePost.

This is a huge problem- finding other couples, getting out, finding "childcare" for older kids, etc.

It sounds like you've figured out how to handle this sort of person. I have relatives who are similar; they use their childrens' accomplishments to bump up their own self-esteem, not realizing the effect it has on those of us with "special" children. Your reframing this as their having their own psychological problem is a great way to look at it.

Do you even try to educate them about Jesse's disabilities? Or is it a lost cause?

I've had to correct more than one family member for using the word "retard" when making fun of people or in describing those with cognitive or developmental delays.

Talk about a hot spot for me! Watch out!

Terry

Hi Mary,

I will, indeed, give Mackenzie birthday wishes from you and David.

And YOU tell David how proud I am that he has mastered bike riding and writing his name.

I remember Mackenzie learning to ride a bike at around the same age and people wondering why I'd even bother trying to teach her.

Our kids WILL continue to surprise us- and themselves- with what they are capable of doing. They just have to believe in themselves. And obviously, YOU do. David is lucky to have someone like you on his side.

: )

Terry

Thank you Terry. Your reply means a lot to me especially when I have been feeling so alone with all this stuff lately. I tell him all the time he can not give up trying and neither will I. Many people have said I should just place him in a residential home and then I would not have to worry about it anymore. I will NOT do that to my child. Maybe when he is 16 or 17 I would let him go to a group home or something like that but even then I would be very involved in every aspect of his life. And the fact that Mackenzie is still home with you and thriving gives me the hope and inspiration to continue on. God bless you and keep up the great work.