I'm always tempted to buy one of those bumper stickers that say "My kid can beat up your honor student."  Unfortunately, that probably isn't true.  And mine usually WAS an honor student, but keeping him in a mainstream class was a constant challenge.

About a month ago I ran into the proud mom I mentioned in my earlier post.  She rhapsodized about her three perfect offspring (incidently, they are real cuties and very nice young men who have never been less than polite to my son), then asked in a very somber and sympathetic tone "How's Jesse?"  I responded that he was doing well, and had recently had two short stories published that got excellent reviews.  She never seemed to hear a word of what I said and with the same sympathetic facial expression just replied, "That's nice" as if I had said that he had finally achieved toilet training or something.  Since she obviously had not processed the fact that he had actually received some accolades for two of his short stories, nor even that he had managed to WRITE short stories, I decided that she didn't need to know that the stories were merely fan fiction and that the reviews were from his fellow geeks on the fan fiction forum.  I suspect that I could have said, "Oh, he just won the Pulitzer," and she would have responded in the same way: "Oh, that's nice."

<sigh>  I'm sure I'm not being fair to this woman.  She irritates me when she's insensitive and again when she tried to be sensitive.  She really just doesn't "get it." And to be honest, when she gets together with another of our friends who is similarly competitive with her kids, it becomes a brag fest.  In other words, it's not just that I have a child with special needs, it's that she (and the other friend) have their own need to talk about their own children's virtues.  As I said, the kids themselves are nice kids.  Not as perfect as their moms would lead you to believe, but good kids.

Isn't that nice?

Belynda

Hi Terry,

One of the challenges my husband and I have faced as a couple with a special needs child has been building and maintaining friendships with other couples.  (There's a new column topic for you!)  It's tough to have get-togethers with others when you can't get a sitter who can handle your child.  It's tough to do family get-togethers when the other family's kids can't handle your child.  It's tough to blame any of them for being unable to handle him when you can see his rages and bite marks.  And in today's society, once you do find couples with whom you can enjoy social activities, there is every likelihood that they will move away or split up.  And that is what has happened to so many of our old friends.

My husband and I basically have two couples with whom we occasionally go out to dinner, watch football games, etc.  The woman I mentioned as a problem is an old friend of one of these couples.  Sort of a peripheral friend to us, I suppose.  She is obviously not intentionally offensive, and I'm sure she doesn't think of herself as patronizing.  Over the years she and her husband have been included less and less frequently in any social events.  Not at my urging, but in large part, I suspect, because the other two couples are tired of her competitiveness.  She seems oblivious.  Actually, she seems to NEED to impress people with the accomplishments of her kids. She never brags about her own accomplishments or those of her husband, and is perfectly fine when discussing current events, movies, etc., but conversations eventually turn to her excellent children and the inevitable patronizing and overly-sympathetic questions about my son. 

We have a theory in the south that you can say anything you want about someone as long as you preface the comment with "Bless her heart."  That's pretty much how I handle this woman.  I also try to view it as her own disability.  Sort of a psychological neediness and obliviousness (is that a word?).

Fortunately (?), we don't have much of a social life (unless you count running into people at the grocery store), so there aren't many opportunities to get offended, at least by this woman. 

Bless her heart.

Belynda