My Fiance can't accept my daughter's ADHD

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Thursday, January 29, 2009
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My 9 year old daughter has ADHD. I have her on meds and in behavior modification therapy. Her tantrums have almost completely dissappeared but she still has behavior issues and getting easily angry and upset over the smallest thing. Especially in the morning and late evening (before and after meds). ...

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Man on Journey
Thursday, January 29, 2009 at 04:26 PM

Hi Mizsippy,

There is no five minute fix for this situation. I will say that there are a lot of red flags waving on whether a marriage would work out under these circumstances. If this man does not like her now, there is a great possibility that he will hate her come the teen years. This is a sad situation for every one; however it is an unfair situation for your daughter, especially if he is treating one child different than the other. If you and your fiancé haven't taken marriage classes, you should. I would suggest group counseling for all of you together. I would also suggest that you explain this situation to your daughter's therapist. If this man truly loves you, then he should be proactive in wanting to work with you and your daughter.

Good Luck,

Tom

re: Untitled Comment
Mizsippy
Friday, January 30, 2009 at 12:10 PM

Thanks Tom. I have the feeling I'm just putting off the inevitable but I have to try. But, in the end my daughters self-esteem and well being are more important. She already has hard enough of a time dealing with the ADHD. She doesn't need someone demeaning her because of it.

re: re: Untitled Comment
Man on Journey
Friday, January 30, 2009 at 02:58 PM

Dear Mizsippy

I really feel bad for you and this whole situation especially if you love this man. The largest red flag for me from your posting is that this man was mistreating your daughter in front of you as well as demeaning her to you. If he acts this way now and you aren't married just think about how bad it is going to get when you are married. If he can be this unkind to your daughter knowing how much you love her, how will he act towards you when you two have difficulties?

I would strongly suggest that you and your fiancé get pre marriage counseling even if you decide not to get married but to just live together.

Blessings,

Tom

re: re: re: Untitled Comment
Mizsippy
Friday, January 30, 2009 at 03:56 PM

We did have pre-marital counceling through a therapist recommended by our church. We've also met with our priest for the pre-marriage classes. We knew this would be an issue just didn't know how bad it would be. You are bringing up issues that I have thought of also. I can only hope his eyes will be opened when/if he learns more about the condition and how to deal with it.

Thanks again,

Mizsippy

9year old
angel
Sunday, February 08, 2009 at 09:50 AM

I know what you are going through, except it is my sister. She lives with me and my 10year old daughter and my 8yearold son whom has adhd. she baby sits my kids while i work and do college and it has been this way for 3 years now. Everything you said is excatley what goes on in my house. i have been batteling with this for a while and if i trusted anyone else with my kids i would have been told her to find her own place. when my son isn't here no fuss no hollering nothing but peace. and i try to tell her the same things nothing works to make the situation better she says he is just being bad. I'm not trying to discourage you or anything but unless they find a pill that last 24hrs it's not going to get better. matter of fact my sister says they all say the same thing. i mean with your fiance if its this bad now i fell its only going to get worse for you and him. I know i'm living it now also. I think your wanting someone to tell you it's ok to let him go well it is. You will get your chance at happyness for now let it be with your kids.

re: 9year old
Mizsippy
Sunday, February 08, 2009 at 07:06 PM

Thank you. You say exactly what I think. I'd rather my children and I be happy on our own than for everyone to be tense and unhappy. Obviously, he and his daughter have gotten something they didn't plan on and that's OK. Things have been great recently. She has been doing very well and he is being kind to her. But I know that the minute she has a bad reaction to something or has one of her infamous meltdowns, he will go right back to thinking bad of her. He still hasn't read the book or listened to the tape. I bought another book called From Defiance to Cooperation. It's a good book. You might want to check it out also. He won't like it because it claims that some of the defiance comes from how the parent treats the child. He doesn't think he does anything wrong.

Both of my girls are fatastic and if he can't see that then it will be his loss when he loses all of us.

Good luck with your sister. Maybe you can get her to read Parenting Children with ADHD or the book I mentioned above. Even if she doesn't "buy into it", it might get her thinking.

Untitled Comment
LisafromPittsburgh
Monday, February 16, 2009 at 06:05 PM

Dear Mizsippy,

                  I know I'll get a lot of flax for saying this but I don't think going to a church councler is really what you should do.Dont get me wrong,pray to God all the time.What you need is medical and emotioal advice on how to cope with this desease.

                  I hate to say this but your fience doesn't seem to care or want to care about this.Children can sense emotions much better than adults . I'm sure they know how your boyfriend feels truely.And for him to treat one different is so detrimental to them.So if I may I'll say this for them "Give him the boot if he doesn't read the books not tomorrow but NOW!!"

                 It's goona hurt like hell for all of you but in the end you'll all be better off.

                 My prayers are with you and all who have to deal with desease.Give your children a hug for me they deserve it!

                                               All my love ,

                                               Lisa in Pittsburgh