A House Overrun with ADHD

By lyfiz2shrt Tuesday, April 15, 2008

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If ever a house could grow legs and run around on its own from all of the energy bottled up inside it, it would be our house. Our slightly untraditional family consists of my 66 year old father, my 19 year old brother, me, 34, my husband and our 5 and 14 month old daughters. All of us but my husband have ADHD and, of course, its too soon to tell about the toddler, but she has an energy all her own. We are all going in a million different directions from 5am to midnight 7 days a week. Did I mention my husband is the exception? He's content to sit his butt on the couch 24/7 playing video games and watching TV. I think he assumes that because I'm hyperactive that I can handle it all on my own. I work full time, take care of the kids by myself most of the time, do all of the housework except for cooking an occasional meal or sink of dishes, all of the cleaning, laundry. Everything! I'm getting so overwhelmed that my patience with my kids has dwindled to nothing. I think the baby can sense it because she has started to cling to me from the minute I walk in the door until I put her to bed. Of course, that just frustrates me even more. How do we get non ADHD people to understand our drive to get things done? How do we get them to understand that just because we WILL do it if its left undone it doesn't mean we WANT to do it? How do we get help when the lazy people around us are content to sit back and wait for us to finish everything for them? I'm starting to think that life would have been much easier if I had married someone else with ADHD. I'm just tired of hearing, "I just want to relax after a hard day of work. It's not MY fault you can't sit down and relax."

Comments (11) | Add comment

grandma lise

4/16/08 1:33am

Hey "Life is too short" - (took me a minute to get it),

Could your husband take care of the kids a few evenings a week while you go out and do something just for yourself? A brisk walk with a really good girlfriend perhaps?

Grandma Lise

lyfiz2shrt

4/16/08 1:32pm

A lot of people have suggested that, but it never seems to work out. Either he's calling me because the baby won't stop screaming and he doesn't know what to do or I come home to a disaster zone that takes ten times the work to clean up than I would have had if I had just stayed home.

grandma lise

4/16/08 4:12pm

Yes, I understand. This is going to be quite a process for both of you. Sounds like you will need additional supports in place as he begins to learn how to care for the children when you are away from the house.

In the short term, this is a potential safety issue. It also will be very difficult for you, not to mention creating additional burdens for you. That's why I think additional supports would need to be in place first. If he can't call you, he would need access to other people until he feels more competent and confident.

You could also put off this process until both children are talking. The pre-3 years are by far the most demanding years for mothers. You have my admiration and respect.

I'll try to expand more on this tonight.

Grandma Lise

grandma lise

4/17/08 1:42am

Hey Lyfiz2shrt,

I wasn't able to get home in time to respond earlier tonight. I'm sorry.

It saddens me that your needs aren't being met. It also saddens me that your husband doesn't know how to care for the children. He's missing out, as are your children!

Children need their father and can benefit so much from spending time together. My hope is that somehow you and your husband will find a way increase his involvement.

After some thought, I don't know how helpful I can be to you. Sometimes couples become so frustrated they no longer have any energy left to think about and find new ways of doing things. Both of you working full-time doesn't leave a lot of time for reflection or renegociating the relationship.

If I were in your situation, I'd feel deeply frustrated too.

If you privately email me your email address, I can forward you a list of rules that will help you as you begin to talk this out with your husband.

Grandma Lise

Eileen Bailey, Health Guide

4/18/08 10:45pm

I am glad Grandma Lise figured out the name because I wasn't quite sure what it meant! (I should have asked my 13 year old daughter, she probably would know).

Anyway, it is hard for any couple with small children and a parent to care for. What a handful you have!

Have you spoken with your husband to let him know how frustrated you are. I know that sometimes I assume that my husband knows, just because he is my husband and I expect him to "be able to read my mind" at times. But eventually, I need to sit down and talk with him and accept that unless I tell him exactly what I am feeling and what I expect from him, he isn't going to know.

Since going out and leaving him with the kids didn't work out, maybe you can start with small steps. Can you try to just go into your room and close the door for 10 minutes to start and have him take over for those few minutes. Then you can start expanding the time.

Start small and show appreciation for even those few minutes. You may also need to begin to "wean" your children from you as well. Sometimes, children become so used to one parent taking care of them, they feel the other parent doesn't do it right and wants the "original" parent to do everything. Begin by building up your husband in your child's eyes so that they are willing to accept care from them too.

Lastly, don't always give your husband a choice. Put one of the children in his lap, hand him a book and tell him it is his turn to read a story.

Lastly, show appreciation for what your husband does do to motivate him to do more. Accept that he is not going to do everything to your satisfaction, but that is okay. Sometimes it will need to be done his way if he is to help out.

I hope this helps. Keep us posted on how things are working out.

Eileen

lyfiz2shrt

4/21/08 12:37pm

Thanks to both of you, Eileen & Grandma Lise. I've tried nearly all of your suggestions, but my husband doesn't seem to be able to be motivated. If I praise him for doing something then he thinks he's satisfied me for a while and can quit helping until I get angry again. He's just a very selfish person who thinks that HE should be able to come home and put his feet up after dinner while I take care of the chores. I think my therapist has been trying to get me to admit that he's a lost cause and that I'd be better off on my own, but my stubborn streak says to stick it out and keep trying. Not that I think it will change, but because I can't bear the thought of going through another divorce.

grandma lise

4/21/08 11:08pm

Good to hear from you again.

After I emailed you, I did some more research. The book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. continues to be the favorite of the many books written by Gottman since 1995.

His most recent book, however, has also recieved excellent reviews. Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship profiles 10 couples. For some, this may be a better introduction to Gottman's work. I encourage anyone who is struggling in their marital relationship to at the very least read the reviews on these two excellent, research-based books. I regularly use Amazon to find good books on a variety of subjects.

You must be feeling so discouraged right now. I don't know anyone who wants to divorce a second time. My hope is that you are wrong, and that the marriage is salvageable.

That said, I also acknowledge that you could be right. I have a dear friend who stayed too long in a bad marriage. She suffered. He left her. She didn't allow him come back. She divorced. She's happily married today. He continues to be selfish, immature, and a poor father.

During this difficult period of her life, she focused on being a good mother to her two boys. They are both adults now. One is a grocery store manager, the other a talented actor. She also continued to learn and grow as a person. As a result, she eventually met someone who is intelligent, responsible, and kind.

So what to do?

Well, as a a step-mother and a little later, as a mother, what I've learned over the last 26 years is that once you have children, you are bonded with that parent for the rest of your life. I am and continue to be very good friends with my husband's x-wife.

So, I say, learn everything you can about how to make your life and your relationships work over the next year or two. If you succeed, you'll have a much better marriage. If you fail, you'll at least have a more respectful relationship with your ex-spouse and a better chance at succeeding in your next relationship. You'll also know that you gave it your best try.

Use your time in counseling to understand better what you really want from your life and your relationship and why you chose this relationship. Learning about personality types can give you a lot of insight into people and relationships. Books based on the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Inventory can be useful. What motivates you may not motivate your husband at all. Don't make the mistake of thinking that all people think the same way.

Another possibility to think about is whether or not your husband has ADD without hyperactivity or has some other underlying, yet to be identified condition. "Selfish" or "self-centered" are words commonly used to describe untreated ADD adults. It's a long shot, but possible. It took me years to recognize that my husband is ADD because he is so different from me. Once I figured this out, so many of the things he does and doesn't do made sense.

I know I'm always recommending books. The reason is because I've learned over the years that no amount of empathy or understanding on the part of your family, friends, or therapist will help you (or your husband) change.

What's needed is skills. Through books, you can learn and benefit from years and years of clinical research and practical applications of that research and clinical experience from the very best of their respective fields of study.

I hope you'll continue to let us know how you're doing through all this.

Grandma Lise

lyfiz2shrt

4/22/08 4:18pm

I find it interesting to read your advice because its exactly the same advice that I would give someone else (and have given) in my situation. Easier said than done, unfortunately! I've read The 5 Love Languages (I read everything I can!) and even had my husband work through the book with me before we got married and he blew it off once we were married. He doesn't care what my love language is. He's going to do what he feels like doing. And he won't read anything. He already knows everything so why should he? He is the baby of the family with two older sisters and a mother who think he can do no wrong. That should have been my first clue. Unfortunately, our plans to wait a year before marrying were sped up a little when I became pregnant on BCP after being told I would never get pregnant again without fertility treatment. I can't imagine not having my newest daughter, but I know in my heart that if it weren't for her, I would have never married her father.

He's just so negative and I see my 5 yr old picking up on his negativity lately. I've had a lot of respiratory problems in the last year since the baby was born and have been in and out of the hospital. My attitude is basically to suck it up, move on and do what I can. Live each day to it's fullest! I always tell my daughter that whining about your problems doesn't fix them, but then she sees my husband moping around like he's dying if he has a headache. If I have a bad case of bronchitis he doesn't really try to help me out. He sees me being home sick from work as a chance for me to get dinner started early.

Sorry, now I'm being Negative Nellie... I just needed to vent, but I think I need to put a lot of my "complaints" in writing and give it to him so that I can present it to him like a contract. "You want this marriage to work then I need you to help out in these areas:.... What can you do to help me?" Write down his answers and we both sign it so that we have something to use as a "reminder" if one of us slips.

angela mcavoy

4/25/08 3:27pm

hi im angela im so sorry 2 hear ur situation i dont no wat its like 2 have adhd myself but i do no wat its like bein a full time mum of 3 kids and 1 mite have it since the day he was born my 5 yr old son is like hyper difieant fidgets all the time aggressive 2 his siblings cheeky wont sit still all ways on the go attention seekin wen i go 2 my other kids not followin instructions forgetful loses things in school he gets sent 2 head teacher or cumin home with 3 25 consequences a day shoutin out refusin to do things his head teather is bringin in the school phycologist on him on thursday 2 do assessments and look out 4 adhd,lernin dis,autism and other things he is also getin a speech and ocupational therapist which i didnt realize he had trouble 4 wat they r cumin 4 til the head discussed it with me he also has absence seizure epilepsy and really bad nose bleeds along with aneamia every once in a while hes impatiant that wen he wants sumthin i have 2 stop wat im doin other wise he will go on and on til i do house work and runnin after another 2 kids along with him is so mad i cry myself 2 sleep at times and i have bad phsririasis due 2 my nerves and stress im a bit like u why do ppl no understand wat we go through and wont until they r put in the same situation x

Heather & Kaleb

5/23/08 11:16pm

this is for angela mcavoy,

hi angela, my name is heather. i have a 9 year old son who has some of the same issues at school as your child does. my son has ADHD along w/behavioral, anxiety & aggression issues and sometimes he is in a depressive state but not that much. my son does like to shout out (yell), hit, shoot off his mouth (smart mouth), back talk and many other things. he also has a very hard time sitting still at times for long periods of time. he has an okay system at school, i had to recently transfer him to the school in the city that we live in. we moved last october, but i still had him in the same school in the village that we moved from until this past may. at his other school that he went to in the small village that we lived in had a very good support system built up for him and that i loved dearly. i do not like the support system that we have at his new school, it soesn't run as smoothly as the other school. if i am not moved back into the school system that we moved out of last october, i will still be able to put my son back into the school system there. i can't say how i will be able to do it, but i will be able to do it. his main support teacher from the small school that he goes to called me the other day to see how her little buddy was doing since he was at the new school, i told what was goign on and that i wished he was back w/her cause she was the best thing that ever happened to my son in a school setting (she's a wonderful spec. ed/ behavioral teacher for my son). she knew what made my son go into a tangent or what pissed him off and she could tell when he was about ready to blow and she knew exactly what and how to stop or deal w/any given behavioral thing my son could/haved thrown at her. well if you want i do have other sharepost that i have written on mine and my son's many challenges and issues, my user name on this site is heather and kaleb (kaleb is my son's name). hi grandma lise, hope everything is going good for you. haven't seen a post from you in awhile, have you read my most recent post yet. hope everything goes well for the rest of ya's. heather

Harry Diamond

11/13/08 9:50am

I am a single father with a 10 year old son who has ADHD and is showing mild symptoms of RAD(Reactive Attachment Disorder). When I was married we adopted him at 21 months old from Russia and have no knowledge of his background. We are no longer married and I now have my son full time 24/7 so I completely understand what you are going through.

Yes there are challenges every day. Yes there are days where it seems like it appears as if nothing was learned or we are going backwards in the learning development area and yes at times it is very frustrating.

There are days when I absolutely refuse to give up. (I think you know what I mean). There has never been a day where I did and there never will be that day. I am very strong willed, positive and like others keep researching in hopes there is something that will make his life just a little bit easier therefore making my life a lot easier.

I very close friend of mine shared something with me that helped me tremendously and kept me away from the anti depressant drugs. I have shared this with others and now they no longer feel the need to use those. I always wanted to, and still do, try to find ways where my son will not need his medications and I have heard of a few success stories. My son does not like taking his medications but he does realize how beneficial they are in helping him stay focused and in control.

After I started using this all natural, organic system (which is the easiest thing to do and tastes great) I immediately noticed the difference in me and started to do some research on how it might affect my son. I met another man, Peter G, who told me his son had suicidal ADHD and in 5 days of using this system, his son was no longer suicidal. My son is not suicidal but I was very interested in the other positive effects such as better energy and focus, control, better sleep, better thought patterns and a more positive outlook on life. I started my son on this program (he still takes his meds) and amazingly in 5 days he was a different person. At first I really didn't believe it so I gave it some more time and the results were consistant.

I am so excited that there is something out there that is all natural and really works. His teachers, therapist and doctor all notice a major difference.

He now is the kid at school that the other kids want to know. I hear boys and girls, even the ones who are not in his class all calling his name to say hi or goodbye. They want his acknowledgement. He now even has a "girlfriend" and does not care what others (bullies) say. He defends others and I am very proud of him. He even has befriended a boy with special needs who the bullies just mistreat terribly and he is picked on for that. I tell him he is doing the right thing and he knows it because he feels good.

What I have learned and been given is a GIFT!

I share this Gift because I have been blessed with it for me to give to others. This worked for me and my son and I have seen it works for thousands including people with Downs Syndrome. I have seen things that could be classified as nothing short of a miracle.

If you are interested in learning more about this I will be more than happy to share it with you and anyone you think might benefit from this too.

I look forward to hearing from you. Please contact me through email then we can set a time to talk. There is too much info to type.

Harry Diamond

applebarnharry@gmail.com

A House Overrun with ADHD

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