Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Is Your ADHD Child Defiant? 10 Things You Can Do

By Merely Me, Health Guide Monday, March 08, 2010
If you have a child who is defiant you usually know it. Your child’s defiance may be that thing which keeps you up at night wondering, “Why doesn’t my child listen?” or “Why is everything such a struggle with him (or her)?” Other people may tell you about your ch...
How to Talk So Your ADHD Child Will Listen
3/11/10 5:50am

When he goes or comes from school it is a war zone!

From tieing his shoes(one pair just to teach him) to closeing door,not running on the street,not forgetting school bag,or to dress a coat,every time the same happens- we are boath so stressed and tired! I used to notice that Im in slippers when entering a car.

I know that taking extra time to prepare is the unswer,but somehow we spend that time talking(during breakfast) about everithing interesting.

His main defiance is doing schoolwork.He is not bad in learning,just opposite.

His grades are great,all teachers say he is extremly clever,he never listens in school what is being thought,he walks arround in classroom,plays,and is having ideas and goals of his own.

Our teacher is full of understanding and help for him(she also has a child with ADHD),but parents of his classmates are really difficult and not understanding that he is not bad mannered or lose child.

I think that his defiance comes from fear that he wont be sucessful as he would like to be."I m stupid to do it!" is his unswer.I spend too much time on explaining and calming him, that is not hard,that is just like a game,and when he finaly agrees to do it he is great at it! Fear of not being sucessful is my sons reason of defiance.

3/11/10 8:28am

we ended up taking our son from school. We home-school now. It is not easy and not for everyone, but he is so much better, and I am so much better.
We didn't have much motivations before, he just hated everything and we were reduced to the punishment most of the time. Now he takes classes with other home-school children, he enjoys it and it is so much easier to control his temper and behavior. 

Anonymous
Veronica
3/11/10 10:14am

How does that work -- taking "classes" with other home-schooled children? 

 

My son is bright and does well in small groups and with one-on-one support.  After months of escalating battles, some of which turned into crises, we called an emergency IEP meeting at school, and one of the changes we made is to have his Special Ed teacher work with him in school to finish all his homework there.  The war zone at home instantly transformed to a manageable "sketchy neighborhood," with only minor battles now.  The worst times are Sunday nights, when he starts sinking into depression, and Monday mornings, when he gets stubborn and defiant, calling school a prison and insisting he won't go.  Sometimes he begs me to homeschool him, but in my mind that would be like going back to the homework-at-home days, which were horrible compared to now. 

 

I was surprised to hear that homeschooling can be more of a structured group experience.  Can you tell me more about it?  Thank you!

3/12/10 12:59pm
Veronica, we are in NYC and there is a huge population of home-schooling families here. Usually homes-choolers orginise themselves as a group. These groups organize classes, clubs, field trips and other activities. Sometimes they form co-ops where parents take turns teaching or hire teachers. It is all depends on the area you are living in. You may google for home-school group in your area and ask for advice. I found home-school parents to be extremely helpful and supporting. Kids are generally nicer to each other, better educated and have lots of hobbies and interests. We have worked with the school and IEP team as well. There were ups and downs, some progress and relapses. The process was taking a great toll on us and started to affect Philippe's personality. He was turning into mean, moody, very deffiant, bored person. At some point I realized what our plan for raising him does not align with the school's. You know, it is like in a business; to be sussesful you need a long term business plan and a short term one. And THEY SHOULD ALIGN! Schools do not have long terms plans, in fact they hardly have any plans at all! For our children the most important thing is to address their strenghts. Their creativity, talents, imagination, sensativity. Schools only dwelve on deficits. It kills a spirit and makes a kid hate learning. My son, age 8, was begging me for 2 years to find him a robotic group. He is big on building, lego, science and sculping. None of these were explored at school, of course, and there were no time or resourses left for him to fallow his interests after. We were too busy taking him to his therapies (social group, speech (he stutters)), doing home work, etc. This is our first homes-chooling year. We are kind of traditional. Unlike un-schoolers, I do fallow some curriculum. I use www.K-12.com Language Arts and Science. I use Math workbooks. It takes us about 1.5-3 hours morning time to do our lessons. He had to sign a contract with me, he will do it or he should go back to school. I found him a robotic team (6 boys, he is the youngest). He also takes a swimming class, 3-D animation, Archeology and Adventure Games (Capture The Flag with a bits of role-playing. Think Percy Jackson). All classes are much cheaper for home-schoolers. They are offered at educational discounts, the same price as they would be offered to the schools. There are lots and lots more, but we don't want to over-schedule him. We don't realize how much time is waisted at schools and how little is actually learned. It is much easier to deal with a happy kid, even if he is still has difficult temperament. My son is the most difficult person I ever met in my life, but he is also the most exiting. He is a difficult boy and he will be a difficult man. In order to be tolerated in future life he must develop his talents, keep his health and good looks, learn to control his temper and deal with people in a nice way. That is our "long term" business plan and there is no way his IEP team can support it. Good luck with your son! best Dasha
Merely Me, Health Guide
3/12/10 10:11pm

Hi there

 

I just wanted to say...I am sure you are not alone in this.  My son, too, can be like this when he feels that he may make a mistake or be criticized.  He likes to be perfect in what he does and gets easily frustrated.  It is a hard thing to explain to others.

 

Thank you so much for your comment.

Merely Me, Health Guide
3/12/10 10:14pm

Hi Dasha and Veronica!

 

Just wanted to add that I am homeschooling my son and I love it.  There is so much support nowadays for parents who choose to homeschool. 

 

Here is a big 'ol article I wrote about homeschooling that you may want to look at.

 

I am just so grateful that it is an option.

 

Let us know if you need any resources or more information.

3/11/10 1:44pm

Most children with ADHD feel out of control because their brain's are usually out of control.  They tend to control everyone and everything around them to compensate for their minds being out of control.  ADHD kids also do well with tangible items, so we give our son a "choice" ball.  It is a rubber ball with the word choice wrote on it.  When he needs to make a choice, such as taking a shower or doing homework, we hand him the ball and give him two different options and walk away.  No ultimatum, no yelling, and no questions.  These are his two choices and these are the results of his choices.  He feels in control and can "feel" something tangible while making his choice.  99% of the time, he makes the right choice.  Therefore, he feels in control and and is learning to make the right choices.  It really works!

Merely Me, Health Guide
3/12/10 10:17pm

I like this idea a lot!

 

For my son we used a choice board with photos of his choices whether they were for snacks or outings in the community. 

 

Thanks for sharing...I hope you come back to talk more about your parenting experiences.

 

 

By Merely Me, Health Guide— Last Modified: 06/18/11, First Published: 03/08/10