Hi. My name is Mary and I just wanted to say thank you for the information on tantrums and meltdowns. I also use the term meltdowns as it fits my child better. My son has numerous diagnoses and has been on so many meds since the age of 3 and I am still battling. I am finally at the point where I have agree to let him go to a 3-6 month inpatient hospitalization program for intensive behavioral therapy. However, now that I am willing to have him do this the placement may not take him because his IQ ius too low (total IQ of 64). But I am not giving up nor will I ever give up. The biggest problems we have are 1st thing in the morning. He gets up at 5 am and isnt able to get his am meds till 7 am. In that 2 hours I have to deal with bei9ng kicked, punched, pinched, bitten and scratched. I restrain him and he will say he is sorry and he will behave but as soon as I get off of him the destruction of property and screaming start again. Once he has his meds he does ok and gets ready for school or playtime outside if there is no school. Anyway, Thank you again for the info on dealing with and preventing meltdowns. I sure will give it a try. Also, I use prayer and meditation to get me through each and every day no matter how difficult the day has been.
Hi Mary!
I know that this must be so hard on you. I am glad to hear that medication does work when it kicks in. I wonder if your son's doctor has any advice on that time period when your son is feeling more aggressive.
Yes prayer and meditation are certainly needed at times. I have been there! Sometimes surviving the day is the goal.
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your experience here.
Thank you for your response and its my pleasure. As a matter of fact he saw the dr today and he is gonna get his am meds at 6 am instead of 7 so hat will help us in the mornings. And he is gonna get the clonidine at 10 am and 2 pm instead of at just noon. She also increased the tryliptol to the max of 600 bid (morning and bedtime). All of these changes and my behavior modification program I have him on will hopefully help the meltdowns considerably. Thanks again and my prayers are with you for your family as well.
Great article, thanks! I'm taking a Parenting Skills class, for parents of "explosive children." The ABC assessment is one of the tools we discussed. The class is based on the book The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene, PhD. As you said, the time to intervene is not in the middle of a meltdown. My son and I used to butt heads all the time, as I had an authoritarian parenting style, which was all I knew. The Collaborative Problem Solving technique uses a three-step process to reassure the child that his/her concerns are heard, puts the parent's concerns on the table, and invites the child to collaborate on possible win-win solutions. Greene's perspective is that kids who explode have a learning disability of sorts. They're not naturally wired to know how to deal effectively with frustration, and they tend to be inflexible. But these are skills we can teach them. As you said, our kids are not bad -- they're just having a bad day. Greene believes that "if they could, they would." This is the complete opposite of the belief of most people (me included, before this class) that he's undisciplined, or making bad choices, or maybe even has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. No -- I see now that he has trouble with transitions, he gets frustrated easily, and I couldn't see the triggers or patterns before. In the week that I've been starting to use this technique, ours has been a harmonious home. My son is much less anxious and seems more settled and confident. He's been happy and talkative. Well, duh -- his mom is speaking to him with more compassion and respect, and asking for his suggestions on how to get both our concerns addressed. He's surprising me by coming up with creative, effective ideas -- and following through on them! Last night was week 2 of a 6-week class, and it's already worth every penny. None of the therapists we consulted had a clue about what was really going on with him. The Explosive Child is a book I can't recommend highly enough. Thanks again for your article and this chance to pass on what has been a real gift for my son and me.
Hi there!
I want to thank you for talking about this book. I do not own it but I should. I believe these are excellent suggestions and I hope others read your comment for this advice.
I am so glad to hear things are turning around for you guys. When you find something that works...it is so exciting to see the results.
Thank you again for your informative and insightful comment.
I am a caregiver to an individual who sometimes exhibits meltdowns, especially in public situations. You are so right about the need for communication. This is exactly what is so difficult with my charge, as his communication skills, especially verbal communication, are not the best. For instance, he answers yes when he means yes, and yes when he means NO!, although he seems to think I know the difference. Sometimes I think he wants one thing, but I realize later, and too late, that I was wrong. On a bad day such a mistake can result in a meltdown, so I have tried to learn from his non-verbal communications, while attempting to teach him how to better indicate his wishes to me. It is working sometimes. Of course, it is impossible to meet all the wishes and needs of anyone, so simply giving everything he wants is impossible. This is why your advice is so helpful on the pre-planning. I suppose I am doing this to a degree already, but I like you ABC approach and I think it may be helpful in predicting situations and learning from them.
Oh my that certainly would create for some difficult times. I can foresee a lot of frustration for not only the child but also for you...in trying to determine what is wanted and what is not wanted. Teaching communication skills is so critical here and also that choices can be made where one can say no.
Hang in there! I hope anything I have written can be of help.
Humor is the best medicine. If we are dealing with the beginning or a full-blown meltdown, I have found that we can regain control (both of us) if I can introduce humor. Helping our 8-year old to laugh breaks down the chain that led to the meltdown - and she is relieved (as am I). Sometimes it is making a face, saying something silly like a made-up word, or doing a knock-knock joke. When we are both diffused, we can deal with the original issue better. I don't always think of this in the moment, but when I do we all feel better.
I have not yet tried this method, which sounds like it could work the majority of the time, but my problem is when it is time to leave daycare. Obviously, this is an event that has to occur, so there is no way I can change the scenario because it is and will always be a daily event. A lot of the time when it is time to pick my son up (who will be 5 in June), they are usually out on the playground playing. He enjoys this time and makes it very difficult when it is time to leave. I've tried coming later to allow him to play more...it doesn't work. I now attempt to pick him up right after nap, before he has the chance to go out in the afternoon, which isn't fair to him. Plus, this happens when they're playing indoors too. I try to think of reasons why he may not want to leave and what plans after daycare that he may not look forward to, but there is nothing that should be bothering him. Sometimes, by the time we're home, he's fine and his tantrum is over. Other times....it's not. Any suggestions? He is not autistic, but has Apraxia. He has limited use of words, but is still able to communicate in a way that we can understand him. On the evening he has speech therapy, I can see where he wouldn't be too happy to leave daycare, but that's only once a week. We can't even bribe him to leave...even with things he likes the most!
Hi there
I can see where this is a frustrating problem for you as..you absolutely have to get your son and bring him home.
This could be a problem with transitions which is quite a common problem for so many children. Are the other children still playing when you have to come get him? Is there any clear ending to this playground time? Or does it just end for him when you come to get him?
I think some sort of transition ritual might help. Can the daycare folk help you at all with this? Does your son have any sense of time?
Here are my suggestions:
1. Have the daycare staff give your son warnings of when playground time for him is nearing an end as in "You have ten more minutes...what would you like to do?" and then at five minutes and then right before you come.
2. Have a visual schedule for him which shows what happens before and after you pick him up. You can find free visuals here or you can also take photos of activities. Review his schedule at the beginning of the day.
3. Reward any behavior where he follows through with the transition without tantrums.
4. If he does well with the transition then have some sort of reward for the car ride or an activity at home to look forward to.
If you want to do a more structured program you could implement a little sticker chart (just get an index card and write the days of the week on it) and give him a sticker for each day he shows behavior you do want to see during those transitions. If he gets so many stickers for the week...at the end of the week reward him with something big. But you may not need to do this if he responds to the verbal warnings and visual schedule.
I am guessing that basically...he doesn't want his good time to be interuppted. If there is no clear ending to the playground time other than you coming and he sees the other kids still playing, he may be confused as to why he has to go. He may also be anxious about not knowing what is coming next...so the warnings of when that time is ending as well as a visual schedule might help.
I hope this helps some. Hang in there! I have been where you are many times. My son has a ton of issues with transitions. They can be quite difficult.
Leaving day care is a consistent issue. I'm always pleased that the children love it so much, but my patience is shot by the end of the day - and of course, there is still dinner, some homework and bedtime to deal with.
Enticing the children (we are dealing with 4 @ day care - 2 w/ADHD, incl 1 w/dev delays) to the car usually includes some reward in the car. IMMEDIATE gratification - sticker, favorite toy or book waiting in the car seat. Also, we played choo-choo and chugged along to the car together to get everyone motivated. We often found that the other children wanted to come along, too.
I don't care how silly I look/act if it gets us going.
Sometimes the staff (taking pity on me?!) helps get the lingering children into the car. Then, we have to deal with getting them into the house instead of the backyard...
Thank you so much , I was running out of steam and ideas. Grounding wast working spanking dont work ,time outs dont work , yelling what I have trouble with doesnt help. I wont react during his meltdown ill try to catch before with the abcs , not to lable my son as bad but having a rough day.And sit down and talk afterwards thanks so much u have been very helpful..
Stacey in Arizona
Often the meld down happens due to his having to hear the word, "no". Such as in " No, you can't do that right now because we have to ____(leave for school, whatever, you fill in the blank), but you can do that later when we get back". then he begins yelling "but I said I am doing it now!" getting out the door for school then, or what ever is tough after this begins, and it starts off both of our days with negative feelings. We do have a routine, but sometimes he decides to do somthing other than the usual routine..... for example instead of watching the PBS cartoons while I am in the shower, he might put on a 3 hour dvd. then turning that off to leave for school becomes a problem. I tell him he can watch the rest after school, and remind him how much he hates to be late for school, and that we both have places to go, and we have to be able to cooperate, or that his teaches is depending on him.... what ever may work. but sometimes..... as a last resort I will just stop talking and put my things in the car and say I will wait for him in the car, in the driveway. He is 9 and I leave the door open so I can hear him. some times I tell him I will give him 5 minutes and then I will go to the car and beep the horn, and thats the signal we have to leave. once in a while that will work. the Anticedent is that i need him to do something other than he wants to do. the behavior is refusing to comply, yelling, turning over a kitchen chair or throwing shoes, etc. then he sits in the closet under the coats and refuses to come out, or stands defiantly in front of the TV and turns it up very loud.(at this time, the jokes do not work) Other ideas please, from other moms, please!
Hi YaYa...I just sent in a comment about my nine year old granddaughter. She
has had temper tantrums for as long as I can remember and usually they come
about when she is denied something she wants or when she doesnt get her way.
She pulls her hair out and hits herself, throws things. She is ADHD and is on
meds. She had a meltdown at school last year and threw a book on the floor
and wouldn't mind her teacher. The teacher called her parents and she was
soon in counseling. That hasn't worked. I am just doing some research now
on possible causes. I do know that this is not normal. I wish I could help you,
but right now I am reaching out and have just started to read up on this problem.
She is a twin and they were born prematurely. My daughter in-law's pregnancy
was horrible and was put on a med line for anxiety. She became a zombie. She
couldn't eat for nearly the entire pregnancy....both children have issues. My
grandson has an eating disorder and won't eat much of anything except pizza
and mac and cheese. Since he does eat, even Cleveland Clinic said that they
couldn't treat him. I guess one has to be bulemic to get help??? I hope for
the best for you. Keep on trying to find the help you need. I will be.
My granddaughter has terrible tantrums and she is going on ten years old.
Usually, it is when she doesn't like something or when she doesn't get her
way. She pulls her hair out and hits herself. She has ADHD and is on
medication. She has gone to counseling due to school problems with
other students. She has been bullied. No one will play with her during
recess. This has been going on since first grade. My son said nothing
is helping and the counselor they were taking her to didn't seem to help.
I think she needs further testing.
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Reading this, I would think you have everything down pat and under control!
It is so thorough and reasoned, that it just shows how very difficult it is to put into practice by the attention to detail.
I've often thought that, about professionals, do they know? I mean really know enough to help? How involved are they in their profession? How far outside books have they been? At the end of the day, do they put their knowledge away and go home, for their own sanity perhaps. Your day never stops.
There are so many books, so much advice from media and friends, even strangers chime in, don't they? Nothing else in the world stops either. This is excellent, hard earned wisdom. It's obvious you have lived it.
Thank you for this. I am not sure if I have wisdom so much as experience. I have seen things from both the perspective as a professional and now as a parent. It has certainly been an interesting time for me to try to enact the knowledge I have...with my own son.
I do appreciate your comments. I hope you keep visiting the site.