Social Skills for the Child Who Doesn't Fit in

"Everybody hates me"

"The other kids are picking on me."

"I don't have any friends!"

These are words that would make any parent feel both sad and powerless as to how to help their child who just doesn't seem to fit in.  And it does seem that children who have ADHD or other learning disabilities are more susceptible to having interpersonal difficulties.  There can be many reasons for these difficulties including the following:

• Not being able to read the non-verbal signals of others such as facial expressions, gestures, and body language. They may also be unaware of how their own non-verbal communication comes across.

• They do not understand the unwritten rules of personal space boundaries.

• The child is impulsive and does not understand the consequences of his or her actions sometimes even after it is too late.

• Some children may lack the empathy required to understand how their words and actions make other people feel.

• They may have a different "rhythm" than other children, with either talking too fast or doing everything at a frenzied pace. Or else some children are so unaware of time that they are frequently disorganized and not ready for scheduled activities when everyone else is, leading to irritation for those who are kept waiting.

• The child may not understand the sequence of give and take behaviors needed to take turns, share, or partake in a conversation.

The most critical underlying problem for kids who have trouble fitting in with other kids is that they lack the awareness of how they are coming across.  Without that ability to accurately gage their part in social interactions, the child who doesn't fit in may only focus upon the outcome.  They may tell you they have no friends but they will not understand why.  Quite often the reason is internalized as "I am not likeable" or else, "There is something wrong with me."  It is difficult too because social interactions are quite often complex with many subtle nuances and unwritten rules which are critical for sustaining connection with another.  If the child does not know these rules they will be vulnerable to social exclusion.

So what can a parent or caregiver do to help the child who is having trouble making friends and getting along with others?

• Make it easy for your child to talk to you. If they feel they are not being accepted elsewhere then it is all the more important for you to be accepting and non-judgmental about their difficulties. This does not mean that you will not be discussing ways to help the child improve. It just means that you convey that they are loved despite their challenges.

• Emphasize your child's strengths by pointing out the social skills they do have. Your child will want to know what things they are doing right in developing friendships.

• Videotape some of your child's interactions with others so that you can both see some of the issues firsthand. This will allow your child to be an observer to his or her own actions.