Beautifully Broken

By Arlenea Martin Tuesday, May 20, 2008

- A
- A
- A

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 6 years old and I am now 35. My life has not been the best for sure. As a young child I had difficulty in school, home and in society period. I had failed friendships and a very rough time with getting along with my parents because they did not know how to handle and ADHD. Moving into my adult life it became harder for me to handle life due to the fact that my parents did not understand ADHD and didn't teach me the social skills I needed to survive. So far I have failed in my marriage and failed in a relationship to a man that I love very much but I cause so much damage that all he wants to be is friends. I also have been subject to a custody battle due to my inability to act like a mature adult. At the age of 35 I am now seeking more counseling (had many years of it as a child but none of the counslors taught me either) to be able to continue to raise my children. I have 7 year old twin boys and a 3 year old. I have been taking Adderall now for almost a year which has helped but I'm still lacking the social skills to survive.

So if anyone has any helpful hints on how to survive in this world I would much appreciate it.

Comments (9) | Add comment

Eileen Bailey, Health Guide

5/20/08 8:28pm

Arleana

Welcome to Health Central. I am so glad that you have found our site and decided to join in the discussions. I think you will learn a lot sharing information and finding that you are not alone!

One good thing is counselors and doctors know so much more about ADHD now than they did 30 years ago when you were first diagnosed. There was so little information then, I am sure that your parents had very little to go on and very little support in trying to find information to help you. Adult ADHD is a relatively new concept, but even so, we know and understand so much more and there is so much more additional help today than there was back then.

Although I am sure that you know a great deal about living with ADHD, there is a great deal of information in our Adult ADHD section. We continue to add more information so if keep checking back.

Also, the Share Posts are an enormous source of information. Terry Matlen, one of the experts here, is an adult with ADHD and has shared great advice and many of her own experiences. By going to Terry's profile, you can click on "Read all my posts" and find out how she copes with ADHD on a daily basis.

You might want to also just browse through the Share Posts and share your experience with others as well as read some of their experiences. It is this sharing that is so important to learning to live (and flourish) with ADHD. It helps to know that you are not alone, that other people feel the way you do and that together you can grow. There is a welath of information on dealing with the daily issues and social skills you have talked about.

Today, there are also ADHD Coaches that can help you bring your life into perspective and work with you to improve specific areas in your life. Many people have found this to be an effective way of making changes.

Most important, however, is deciding where you want to begin in making changes. "Social skills" is a broad area. Most people with ADHD find that if they break down their goals into small chunks, they will be more manageable. Find one small thing you want to change and work on that before moving on to something else. Being overwhelmed wanting to change your whole life will not create change, it will create frustration.

Again, I am glad that you have found us and hope that you share your journey with us.

Eileen Bailey

barbara

6/ 3/08 12:32pm

i am a parent of a 12 yr old with adhd approx. 1-2 yrs ago he was diagnosed with this. it has been very hard in the previous yrs not knowing and now that i know it has been fustrating still because we as parents blame ourselves were did we go wrong what did i do that he/ she is like this. It has been a long road we have learned but still i do not understand and ask why? i receive medical answers but that is not enough to a parent because we still have to deal with why this is happening. My child also is now in th juvenile system. It has taken alot of patients, listening , changing our way of talking to him, take time out and then coem back to the conversation if and when everyone is comfortable with it. and of course above all alot of praying!

listen to soft music. take one thing at a time. continue your aderall it has done wonders for my son. He is more focused.

There is so much more that is unexplainable.

from a parent

MarilynF18

6/25/08 8:44am

Arlenea,

Keep your chin up. Having twins and a three year old would challenge the best mom. So remember, yours is a more challenging life with you having ADD and the energizing children. I recently read in The ADDA Guiding Principles for the Diagnosis and Treatment of AD/HD where they reported some people with ADD/AD/HD experiencing AD/HD symptom management success with the of use of Cognitive Therapy. I mention this because Cognitive Therapy helped me manage life rattling and daily upsetting issues years before I was diagnosed with AD/HD. Actually, I consider Cognitive Therapy THE Saving grace that changed my life for the better. What followed Next, although 15 years later, came the DX of AD/HD, getting laid off and taking Adderall time release.

We are complex beings. Our personality plus the ADHD learned behaviors, coping habits to overcome the ADD all make for a complex pile of shXX to work through. I know you can do it. Seek support here, and around you in your life. These moment to moment bumps in life wear on our self-esteem. You are okay. We are wired differently. As you are learning about yourself, researchers are still learning how the human brain works.

Be kind to yourself once a day. Stay in touch.

Arlenea Martin

6/26/08 1:16am

Thank you very much for the comment and advice. Can you give me some advice on how I can fix a relationship that I destroyed because of my bad behavior?

MarilynF18

6/26/08 1:39pm

Arlenea,

I believe each of us brings 100 % of ourselves to make up 50% of or half of a relationship. It takes two to make the relationship float or work. One cannot make it survive. I found that out the hard way. I tried to care for myself and worry about the well being of the relationship will my partner only cared about themself. What an imbalance.

Fixing relationships you destroyed. That is a toughy. Also, that raises many questions. Is the relationship totally over? You don't see the person. Or is the person i n yoru life in some small or big way. No contact, that person is no longer in your life? If the person does not want to be with you, best to look at that. Why would you want to be with a person who does not want to be with you. So go carefully if you are looking at going back with someone.

If the person is totally gone from your life. that is tough. Please note, I have dated al great deal. Two marriages. But, no degrees or training except what I learned through years of individual therapy and couples counseling. That said, I am no expert.

You might do is like the 12 step programs do in one of their steps: make amends to the person by apologizing. It is hard. Let me say that reading a great deal about the ADHD person has helped me a great deal. I learned about myself. I lose things or cannot find things, often when standing right in front of what I am looking for. In that instance I am annoyed, frustrated and embarrassed that once again I cannot find things. But I spent much of my last 18 years 'blaming' my partner. I took no responsibility. That is so typical ADHD behavior. I apologized for years of blaming. I then try harder to look for the mayo, the keys the whatever. When I cannot locate the item. Then I ask for help by saying, "Hun, I need your organizing skills. Do you happen to know where I might find the XXXXX?" No more blaming. Ok, most of the time the blaming is gone. I am still adjusting. But my approach gets much better results. Clearly I have a problem and need help. I am accepting I need the help and ask for it.

So, if the relationship lingers, then repair work is needed. I believe when I abuse another's trust in me, I have no control of when they will trust in me again. All I can do is be my best self, be consistent and hope they will see I have changed. Disclosing the ADHD can enlighten the other. Might be seen as an excuse. Sometimes the personality and the ADHD intermingle to make for a nsasty combo of interactions. You must be bold, honest with yourself in owning what was the ADHD, what was just who you are.

I need more info about if the other person is gone or around in your life. If in your life, how have they defined being in your life?

You may need to give them the power to define things until they can trust you again. That is hard for me. But, if you feel the person and the relationship is worth it, then give it a try.

Above all else, honest open communication is what must occur. No beating around the bush or implying. Both of you need to be clear. And remember, the person has the right to say no. Then it is time for you to learn from it all and move on.

Learn from you past mistakes, and be the better person for it. Walk your talk. Be the person you want to be. Not easy, not always fun, but I find I say what I mean, mean what I say or don't say it. None of us are perfect. Just accept yourself. My partner and I have some relationship ground rules. Has kept us sane. Only once in a while do I break them. It is the hyper mouth of ADHD that gets me in trouble. I pay the price, and live the anger for a time. Then it passes. All is well again. We resume a happy life.

Good luck. Lets hear what the situation is and what you decide to do. I support you in your exploration. Keep talking with us. MarilynF18

Arlenea Martin

6/26/08 2:02pm

The person that I'm wanting to get back together with is my son's dad and right now I'm living with him as a roommate situation. I have no doubt that he cares about me but my behavior has him putting up a wall again. He is willing to give me a chance but the behavior has to change because he won't live in chaos.

MarilynF18

6/26/08 3:00pm

Arlenea,

Cut yourself some slack.

Don't make promises yet. If you disappoint him, then you feel terrible. This is a big issue. This is about you accepting you first. Then exploring what you can change. Learning what you cannot. then you live with it. We need to love ourselves first. Once we master that task, others will love us as well.

Ever done any therapy on your own? I got the most help from Cognitive Therapy. Surprisingly, I found it long before I was diagnosed with ADHD. Research has shown Cognitive Therapy to be most helpful in ADHD persons. After years of paying and trying to feel better with traditional therapy, I found myself feeling better, doing better with Cognitive Therapy. Reason I mention it is because one of the things you learn to look at is general statements, "my behaviour has him putting a wall up again." Wow, very general.

Which specific behaviors? I don't need to know. You do. I mean, if you are going to work on yourself. Then you need to know what he considers intolerable. Risky to get the list. But, if you do, I would want to take it to discuss with a therapist. I want to review it with a third party, some one who would advocate for me, an objective person who can say, is it reasonable to expect you to change this or that. I 'd want to do this before agreeing to trying to change.

Changing myself is hard work. Changing because I want to is hard enough. Changing because someone else wants you to, well, that can be a loaded situation.

Don't ask if you ar not ready to hear the answers. I wouldn't ask, no way, Not unless I had someone, a therapist, I could then turn around then discuss the 'list' with in private.

So, do you have a therapist separate from the doctor issuing you your meds?

I have. Anyway, if you are curious and a read: look into this book on Amazon.com, read some reviews. On BarnesandNoble.com there is an overview of the book and you can see the Table of Contents. This is the book Mind over Mood my CT therapist had me use for my exercises to retrain my way of thinking. This might be appropriate for you. I do not know.

Arlenea, you have lots going on. You need help to decide what to prioritize, what to focus on. I find it hard to limit my focus. Pick only a few things, maybe three, not ten in ADHD tradition. You cannot fix it all NOW. This is who you are. With effort, and help and strategies, and practice you can slowly make changes. I don't know about you. but after only six months of knowing I am ADHD I am still reeling. Still learning, still adjusting, forgiving myself, learning to love me as I am.

My honey said. Look it, we've always known you were different. Now we have the facts. Let's accept it, Rejoice, learn about it and build your life around it for the better." What wisdom. All I have to do is put in practice. Hope this helps you.

Keep in touch. MarilynF18

Anonymous

7/16/08 2:54pm

Many friends and family of mine have gone off meds and put their lives back together with this approach to understanding how their mind (ADD/ADHD/depression) and bodies (healthy diet, vitamin supplements) are working together. Things you might think are just 'you' might really be mental habits that you can change by changing the kinds of things you put in your body. Visit...http://www.hriptc.org/

I don't work for them or anything like that...I just know they worked wonders for my sister's boyfriend who was in his 30's and struggled since a child and ever since my family tells tons of people to call there and they all have improved their lives and gone off meds (but take healthy vitamins instead). It's a different approach to thinking about your 'illness' or weaknesses. Good luck.

S. Ranoia

7/22/08 11:20am

I too have been diagnosed with ADHD in adult life.I know that I've had this all my life and I'm pretty sure my mom has had it too. I also have at least 2 of my children with it, though they haven't been diagnosed yet... Could be that I procrastinate getting a diagnosis with them....I really see it in my oldest child's life who is now 26 years lod and still in college because she can't 'get it together'...I have been talking to her about getting help so she can be sucessful in her life.Try to make sense of things...Please forgive me,I have never written to anything like this before but I feel compelled to share something with those of us out there who are trying to cope through it all. The major draw back that I feel right now and have been is being lonely for friends...I have felt very withdrawn thinking that they will see of think that something is 'odd' about me or something....does anyone have any suggestions about this to help????

Beautifully Broken

Ask a Question