is it add behavior or is he not a nice person who also has add ?

ok, this is something i've wanted to do for a long time , just didn't have the right frame of mind before.

bit of backround first : this is my second marriage, married 20 yrs. 3 kids. youngest from this marriage is 18. my husband did not have any other relationships prior to me. when we met he said he had add. i knew very little about it..he said it meant he was forgetful and procrastinated. ( an understatement to say the least lol )

so over the years i have to say we were passionately, deeply in love. in between being deeply in love we were living in something i believe was close to hell .  i always knew that my husband seemed to be over-reacting to a circumstance..everything seemed to annoy him, he said hurtful things to me and the kids and often told me he couldn't live without me on a monday and moved into an apartment on a friday.

the first 2 or 3 years i really thought it was a combination of new marriage, baby, step-family and his lack of experience in relationships to understand the give and take needed to make any relationship work. well that and the fact that discussing any problem led to an arguement.

as time passed and some behaviors emerged i started thinking something was really not right here..but i really had no clue. all i knew was that it was dr.jeckyl and mr. hyde, i never knew which guy was coming home to dinner.

these are some of the things that have confused me over the years and have spurred me to write this post.

when we were dating and discussing fantasies one night, he told me his was bondage. ok, i'm an open minded woman..i'm thinking silk scarves...those cheapo handcuffs they sell at valentines day " prisoner of love " or whatever...he was casual about it certainly did not imply anything sinister and we did incorporate some light stuff into our sex life which was varied, fantastic, and often.

i was head over heels for this man..we used to leave love notes for each other..he got a massage every night after ..i brought him lunches when he was stuck at work..i was a good wife...really...and i thought for the most part we were happy even though we had those rough patches.  so i was shocked one day when i turned on the computer and found messages from some woman i-mming him about sex. i felt like i'd been punched in the stomach.  when i asked him about it, he was all apologetic...he was bored...he was just messing around...it didn't mean anything..  he had set up a bondage profile on a site where people were into heavy duty stuff...telling people his wife was " limited " .  i was crushed !  so i got passed that one, believed him...a few months later we have an arguement he moves out.

the first time was 3 yrs. into our marriage. after that it happened roughly every 2 yrs. he would be crazy in love with me...but then tell me i didn't take his side with the kids ( although the truth is if the kids did something i punished them...i just also told him in the process that calling them ' bitches ' was not appropriate either )  or tell me i was picking on him...or tell me i didn't really care about him...or that it took more than massages to make him happy )