is it add behavior or is he not a nice person who also has add ?

By jane Friday, January 23, 2009

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ok, this is something i've wanted to do for a long time , just didn't have the right frame of mind before.

bit of backround first : this is my second marriage, married 20 yrs. 3 kids. youngest from this marriage is 18. my husband did not have any other relationships prior to me. when we met he said he had add. i knew very little about it..he said it meant he was forgetful and procrastinated. ( an understatement to say the least lol )

so over the years i have to say we were passionately, deeply in love. in between being deeply in love we were living in something i believe was close to hell . i always knew that my husband seemed to be over-reacting to a circumstance..everything seemed to annoy him, he said hurtful things to me and the kids and often told me he couldn't live without me on a monday and moved into an apartment on a friday.

the first 2 or 3 years i really thought it was a combination of new marriage, baby, step-family and his lack of experience in relationships to understand the give and take needed to make any relationship work. well that and the fact that discussing any problem led to an arguement.

as time passed and some behaviors emerged i started thinking something was really not right here..but i really had no clue. all i knew was that it was dr.jeckyl and mr. hyde, i never knew which guy was coming home to dinner.

these are some of the things that have confused me over the years and have spurred me to write this post.

when we were dating and discussing fantasies one night, he told me his was bondage. ok, i'm an open minded woman..i'm thinking silk scarves...those cheapo handcuffs they sell at valentines day " prisoner of love " or whatever...he was casual about it certainly did not imply anything sinister and we did incorporate some light stuff into our sex life which was varied, fantastic, and often.

i was head over heels for this man..we used to leave love notes for each other..he got a massage every night after ..i brought him lunches when he was stuck at work..i was a good wife...really...and i thought for the most part we were happy even though we had those rough patches. so i was shocked one day when i turned on the computer and found messages from some woman i-mming him about sex. i felt like i'd been punched in the stomach. when i asked him about it, he was all apologetic...he was bored...he was just messing around...it didn't mean anything.. he had set up a bondage profile on a site where people were into heavy duty stuff...telling people his wife was " limited " . i was crushed ! so i got passed that one, believed him...a few months later we have an arguement he moves out.

the first time was 3 yrs. into our marriage. after that it happened roughly every 2 yrs. he would be crazy in love with me...but then tell me i didn't take his side with the kids ( although the truth is if the kids did something i punished them...i just also told him in the process that calling them ' bitches ' was not appropriate either ) or tell me i was picking on him...or tell me i didn't really care about him...or that it took more than massages to make him happy )

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Comments (9) | Add comment

NwLfWithRitalin

1/24/09 1:50pm

"or is he just an immature jerk who also has ADD"
If he has ADD, I do not know. If he is an immature, I do not know. But that he is jerk , I'm sure he is.

jane

1/24/09 10:42pm

you gave me my laugh for the day...thank you so much !

Eileen Bailey, Health Guide

1/25/09 7:20pm

Jane

Thanks for your post. People with ADHD are just like the rest of the population, some are nice and some aren't, it really doesn't have to do with the ADHD. Your husband sounds as if he has been emotionally abusing you for years and really does fit into that "jerk" category.

I hope you find the courage to begin your own life, without him. Take it from someone who was previously (20 years ago) been in an abusive marriage (physically and emotionally), there is a better life out there and you deserve it.

Eileen

jane

1/25/09 7:47pm

eileen,

thank you for your input...oddly enough i've recently been seeing a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse : )

i can't tell you how relieved i am to finally have answers regarding the behavior. years ago before we knew about the add we went to a marriage counselor. he told me then

' there's a fine line between being understanding and being a doormat and you don't know where the line is '.

until now i didn't know where the line was with add and being a jerk ...lol. thanks for painting it in

Linda Parker-Eaton

1/28/09 2:18pm

I don't want to be hurtful but you both need serious counciling. You first because his behavior is abusive and passive aggressive and you allowed him to verbally abuse yourself and your children for all these years. All that "love" stuff you wrote about isn't love but a form of control until he flies off the handle again and you chase after him . . .

Second, my whole family has ADHD and none of us (NONE) act the way your husband acts. Yes we are impulsive but as adults (without medicines) we are able to control our impulses in order to survive and thrive in the world. Yeah, sure I could have an affair but I love and respect my family too much to even think about that let alone doing it. Your husband has a lot of issues and ADHD is probably one of the minor ones affecting his life.

Good luck to you-I hope you find a councelor who can help you untangle the sorted stories and lies from your husband and help you to regain your independence and strength to being without this on again off again man. You deserve better.

jane

1/28/09 7:01pm

linda i wish you had filled out a profile because you are writing as if you think you know me..first of all i did not " allow " my husband to be verbally abusive...i was quite clear on what was inappropriate. had he spoken to us that way everday it would be a different story. perhaps you missed the portion of my post that said dr.jeckyll / mr hyde. the entire point of the post was to find out whether this hot /cold nonsense was part of add or something else. some have suggested it may be bi-polar. if it was from true mental illness or disorder then you treat someone the way you would with any illness, you'd try to get them the help they needed.

additionally what i find quite curious about your post is the phase "chasing after him again "....i didn't mention that at all....so it would seem to me that you are familiar with my husband...perhaps a relative of his ? who has inadvertantly slipped with that chasing phrase and revealed yourself by repeating his lies lol. it would be appropriate if that were the case because whenever he leaves his family pretends i don't exist ...but of course after the separation is over they give me the ' judas kiss ' and say " oh ,its good to see you " lol.

rest assured my biggest fault is forgiving easily...and wanting to believe the best about those i love as well as feeling a responsibility to help my husband if he does have a legitimate mental illness. no one else has looked out for him his entire life. in fact somewhere on this site under " after the spotlight " or something is a post from my husband under the name " Dom " , ( of course lol part of his bondage persona ).

its sad to read. although i have less sympathy since yesterday when we disagreed over money priorities ( he said he won't pay towards my daughters teeth unless her car is done first ) when i told him i disagreed , he told me i make him so angry he'd like to slit my throat. my boss wanted me to call the police.

the sad truth is no one else has ever told him he needs help. i've reached out numerous times and everyone in his family says " oh, its not our place " which is a nice cop out for " we don't care "... so he'll keep blaming me and his families silence tells him he's right... and he'll wind up alone or in jail and without even his daughters love...which is very sad no matter how much of a jerk he is.

Tarzan

1/31/09 12:47am

You forgot to mention the 15 call and text messages I get at work every day harrassing me until I explode. You Didnt mention how You love to push my buttons and taught your children how to push them. I love how you read into everything.. you never read the the story, you read between the lines and make up nonsese to fit your needs.

jane

1/31/09 11:01pm

and i've told you i'm perfectly happy to go to voicemail and leave 1 msg and you can call back to give me an answer...or to text back and say ' i'll get back to you at 12 '. but instead you answer the phone , scream that you can't talk and hang up...i never get to say why i was calling....and the truth is, whether we're together or apart you've said ' we'll talk about it later ' and you never do. thats why when i give up and finally make the decision myself you get to cry to everyone how i'm controlling and never include you in the process.

and be truthful please. you've done your share of texting and leaving messages to rant at me about how bad your life is, how you're dying, how you're tired...you think you have cancer...your teeth hurt...you're broke. texts and voice mails i don't respond to because i know you want an excuse to yell at me...you can go to the people who REALLY love you for sympathy...you know, your REAL family. by the way, those darlings didn't send a " thanks for the update " to me for my email about your daughter...nor did they send anything to your daughter with a " way to go ! " or anything positive. but of course, as you've said before, it was my fault because i shouldn't have sent it lol. please give them all ' judas kisses ' for me will you ? and don't plan on your daughter showing up at anymore family events because she's had it with them too. but it's ok, you can just tell them again how i've poisoned her and kept her from them...it certainly wouldn't be because they insult / ignore her because that would mean it was THEIR / YOUR fault and that isn't possible. oh, and if you plan on keeping this public let me know. there are many comments you've posted around i'd be happy to set straight as well...plus maybe k would like to know what you really think of his wife :)

jane

1/31/09 11:19pm

you mentioned text and such but you didn't say anything about the 17 yrs. of profiles, leaving, porn obsession, bondage , blowing me off when i tried to discuss our sex life or your rude / weird response to my christmas gift. if you'd like to defend yourself publically perhaps you could answer ALL of those issues because they are much more interesting and important than text messages.

is it add behavior or is he not a nice person who also has add ?

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