Family of ADHD

By Stacey Thursday, September 18, 2008

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My name is Stacey. I am newly married and I have one daughter. My husband and I have not been diagnosed but I would stake my life on it that we both have adhd. We have all of the symptoms and it is very difficult. I was married before to a man who was very organised and kind of picked up the slack in that area. I had things organised when I was a single mom for a few years. It worked for us and it may have seemed like a crazy system, but I knew where everything was. Now that I am married to a man who thinks cleaning the house is stuffing the mess into a box and sticking it into the shed. My parents just came to visit and in Preparation my husband "cleaned" a couple of rooms. I can't cope with even going out to the shed. I feel very frustrated and angry.

I would like to do some scrapbooking but some of the stuff for that is in the shed and I can't go out there. My husband will never get around to it until the shed is stuffed and we will sort through some stuff and the rest will get shoved back in there. We will fight all day because we are so overwhelmed. Yes this has happened before.

My husband takes things home from his work, big pieces of glass and wood etc, and sticks it around the yard. I can't deal with the yard looking like that. I am embarassed to have company over. If I try to discuss it with him, he freaks out and tells me he will get to it and eventually we will have the yard of our dreams. He doesn't understand that I am not coping. For him it is out of sight so it isn't a problem.

Now our daughter has gotten way out of control and we are working on giving her help. Each day she freaks out for hours hitting and kicking and destroying things. She is very defiant and listens to nothing we say. When she calms down for a few minutes she cries her eyes out and says that she is unhappy. She doesn't want her life. She is eight years old and this scares the hell out of me. My husband hasn't slept for six nights in a row and works very hard in construction. He is going to the dr today about his sleep problems.

I am on a new antidepressant but it is not at the right dosage yet. My daughter does not see us arguing usually. She sees us being very loving to each other, which we are, and she is very jealous. She feels that she is not getting enough attention. Lately she comes home from school and I plan on just spending positive time with her, and then I say the wrong thing and she is freaking out again. We have plans to play games with her and just visit in the evenings, but again it turns into an hours long fight. We are very calm, and watch her destroy our house. We have tried raising our voices, shocking her by pouring water on her, ignoring her, being loving toward her, putting her in her room, but she won't stay there.

The other day we saw her psychologist who gave us no help at all. He didn't let us talk and kept interrupting us. He decided that since she is ok at school she just needs us to be more firm and create a reward system. We did that and she has no interest in it whatsoever. Every day she decides she is not going to school and I have to argue with her and talk it out for a long time before she will finally agree to it. She hates school. I think that a big part of this is that she can't take school. Yes she is good there but after that she has nothing more to give. She can't behave anymore. She hates it soooo sooo much. What do we do?

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Eileen Bailey, Health Guide

9/19/08 8:50am

Stacey

I am glad that you have found this site and hope you find the information here useful. It sounds as if you are dealing with issues on many different fronts in your household and I don't know of anyone that would not be overwhelmed with all that is going on in your life.

It might be good to think about what is the most important thing in your life that must be improved and work on that thing first. You are working on: organization of your house, your husband's sleep problems and undiagnosed ADHD, your own undiagnosed ADHD, your daughter's sleep problems, your daughter's meltdowns. This is way too much to deal with at one time. Part of the overwhelm you are feeling is trying to correct all of these situations at one time.

Although home organization is important, and if it bothers you, it is certainly important as your feelings and frustrations should be taken into consideration, however, this might be an area that you can delay while you work on other areas.

I would consider talking with your doctor about yours and your husband's possible ADHD. If you get this diagnosed and begin treatment, you might find other parts of your life start falling into place and you are more able to handle some of the things that don't seem to be working for you. (such as organization)

I would also ask for a complete psychiatric and physical evaluation for your daughter. Sometimes, we deal with issues without really understanding the cause. Making sure you have an accurate and complete diagnosis can help you to create a treatment plan that is more effective.

Those might be good places to start.

I have included some articles that might be of help to you:

Parenting and ADHD

The Out Of Control Child

When Mom and Dad are Distracted, Too: Parenting When Both Parent and Child Have ADHD - Part One

Helping Children with ADD get to Sleep

Creating a Discipline Process at Home

I hope these help. Let me know how things are going.

Eileen

Stacey

9/19/08 10:35am

Thankyou for your comment. We saw my daughters Dr yesterday and she is sending my daughter for a full assesment. I haven't been really dwelling on the organisation thing much right now because as you say there is too much to focus on. My standards of a clean house have gone way down and right now we are concentrating on just keeping the living room and dining room clean and tidy so that we can go there and unwind. I am slowly working on the rest, but the living room and dining room I am focusing on.

I feel that getting my husband and I diagnosed isn't going to make much of a difference. I personally don't want to get on medication because I am on so much for other health problems and because of interactions it is hard just to find an anti depressant I can take. Also I am on wellbutrin for depression which is an adhd medication too. My husband is forty eight and seems to be coping without medication. It doesn't affect most of our lives and I feel that there must be another solution.

We are getting together with a couple this weekend who have a child with adhd and associated disorders. Their child has gone through and is going through a lot of what my daughter has gone through and they have been a huge help. It also helps to just know we are heading in the right direction by getting her assessed. Another big problem we have is that her father thinks that she is an absolutely normal child who is just trying to be controlling, or a brat. He disciplines her by no allowing her to watch tv, go on the computer, come out of her bedroom, or talk to him. He refuses to give her any attention or affection. I think this is abuse! Yes take away the computer and tv, but to refuse to awknowledge her when she is only there for a day or two hurts her deeply.

Anyway, I am getting my daughter ready for school, but I will read those articles when I get home. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and post some articles.

Stacey

Michele b

9/25/08 6:38am

Hi Stacey. Michele here. I have always been ADHD and have had to learn how to live in a non adhd world. You MUST gain control NOW. i had to establish MY places throughout the house so i could run an organized ship. I raised 7 children so it was imperative i do this. Make LISTS. place them in each room by the lightswitch if necessary so you do not forget what you were in that room for. Pick a place for ONLY your mail, letter writing, notes, journaling, etc. Do not let ANYTHING get placed there. I did fine until i married a second time to a minister who thought whatever he picked up was his, wherever he placed his stuff was rightfully his, and he even picked up some of my schoolbooks, kept them for 3-4 months until i saw him highlighting a page in my book. I told i hadn't been able to find that book for quite some time. He just said "Well, you weren't reaading it..." come on now , how could i read it if he has had it in his briefcase, at work, blah, blah, blah for 3-4 months. and then to have the nerve to highlight in it. Oh that was so he could find important points later on. I said i will buy you your own book, but i would like it back right now-i highlighted in there so I could find imortant points later on myself....(I am a counselor, therapist, sowe do read some of the same stuff.) anyway, he ignored my request to leave one spot of the table clear of hisss stuff or anything else, and would constantly lay things down on top of oh, say, our phone bill, power bill, you know the stuff. I would spend hours late into the night trying to find those things only to find that he LAZILY put the Ssunday newspaper on top of my stack of mail. WE have eventually divorced-seems as though he thought he should just do things as he wanted to do and forget about anything i asked for. Beware of selfishness and laziness being minconstrued as ADHD from a partner. It is easier to be mental than to be physically lazy!!!You must reestablish your systems of order in your home and explain to your hubby that this is the ONLY way it will work for you and would he please help you make it work TOGETHER. There are great websites and organizations that can also help you. Mainly, be consistent, use note pads, bulletin boards, sticky notes, calendars by every phone, any type of reminder that will help you stay on track. After a bit, your daughter will begin to see you ar being consistent-the key to happiness for children-consistency-and she will start to settle down. right now she is acting out because she is scared-scared that your lives are spinning out of control and she has no one she can count on for security. Be her blanket, be consistent, love yourself and tell your daughter you love her more than life itself and that it is just a little hectic right now adjusting to each other's new schedules and she will see how hard you are working HUG her. Hug your new hubby. Most importantly, Stacey, Hug yourself. You are ok....peace and love from wisconsin, michele

Rose Lee

9/25/08 8:56am

Get some good help now. That was around the age my son started exhibiting signs of add and no one liestened to me.

He had one difference. At school he was quiet. He was ADD w/H. But once home, oh my!

He was different. He couldn't stay focused. But all at school said I was wrong. I'm glad I didn't take that answer for long.

I finally got him to a psychiatrist. He had developed depression along with this. I didn't even see it.

Later after he was diagnosed, I found that his dad and I were most likely ADD too. Since this time we found it runs in our family. My son is 18 now and school was a disaster. He finally quit. He couldn't get focused and doctor was more concerned over his depresion than his ADD.

Don't give up till you get the help you need. I know it will be hard but you will help your child.

Good luck.

Diane

9/25/08 9:28am

Stacey:

I sympathize with what you are currently going through, and can offer you the following advice:

1. Get Dr. Amen's book entitled, "Healing ADD. The Breakthrough Program that Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD" (some of which have the hyperactivity component - ADHD.) This book will help you to identify which type your daughter is as well as you and your husband, and which medications, supplements, and dietary restrictions work best for your type. Some medications do not work well for some types, which may be the source of some of your problems.

2. Get the book, "1-2-3 Magic". Read it and stick with it. It's simple enough, and children with ADD / ADHD need consistency and structure more than other children.

3. Talk to your husband about the shed issue, and explain in detail how that makes you feel. I suspect that if he understands that it has a psychological impact on you that he will not continue to shove clutter in there. Then you can work out a chores system, that includes small chores for your daughter.

Please at least get Dr. Amen's book. That alone will do wonders for your family!

Stacey

9/25/08 3:45pm

I am so frustrated I have typed out a long comment twice and the computer glitched. Ok so I will try to remember what I had written. First of all thankyou for all the comments, they are very helpful.

Things are much better at our house. I am happy and feeling alive again. I think a few things are contributing to that. One my wellbutrin has kicked in. I am back to normal with my emotions, I am a very positive happy person most of the time. It also has helped me face organising the house, and accomplishing more. This weekend I bought the book " the explosive child". It helped so much it is amazing. I can't believe that a house that was so chaotic and stressful a week ago is now so much calmer and everyone is happier. It helps you identify triggers and avoid them or find ways of helping the child through them.

My husband and I did a lot of organizing this weekend. We totally reorganized Bekah's bedroom so it is easy to clean and uses space efficiently. She was thrilled and is really enjoying it. We also talked a lot about what we could do to help her. Then we talked about what would help each of us cope. He wants the workshop cleared out enough to work in it, and I want my stuff sorted, so we are on the same page. He told me he would bring my extra scrapbooking stuff in if I organized that room, and he put up shelves so I can organise it.

The book I read discusses the use of plan B, which is when a child doesn't want to do something so first you empathise with them. Repeating back their concerns. Then you tell them your concern, and invite them to help you come up with a solution you can both live with. It works with husbands too!!!

My daughter was put on adhd meds so hopefully they will help her with school. Part of her not wanting to go to school is separation anxiety. The Dr mentioned that possibility and when I looked it up, it described my daughters behavior.

I talked to the ministry of families again and they assessed Bekah. Last time I talked to her she didn't give me much hope. She mentioned a parenting group but said it might not be right for us. Well we went and it was quite helpful. After she assessed Rebekah she told me that we would be put on the list to have family counselling. They don't do one on one, but this will probably be better for Bekah anyway. They are also sending me a package including a book about anxieties in children.

I feel positive about life again and I am so happy that things are getting better. We are getting the help we need and I feel that I have become a better mother. It isn't perfect, but we can do this, it is handleable now.

Stacey

Anonymous

9/25/08 6:28pm

Sounds like you have received some great advice but I have one thing to add. You mentioned your daughter is 8 years old and she goes to be at 11:00? Both of my sons, age 12 and 15 have ADHD and the one thing that helps the most is sleep. They both go to bed at 9:30 during the week and 10:00 on weekends and this helps tremendously. You may want to give it a try.

Stacey

9/25/08 8:52pm

Trust me I would have her in bed at eight that is her official bed time. However we fight with her for hours to get her to bed. We have done all the things people suggest, have routine, no tv before bed, etc. So far the only thing that works is giving her melatonin and then she is in bed by 9 at the latest. She refuses to take it lately though. She desperately needs sleep and is exhausted by morning but still trying to figure that one out.

Stacey

Anonymous

9/25/08 9:46pm

I definately feel for you. I know how tough it can be. Just stick it out and hang strong. You can do it. There are days when I have to convince myself I can do it but you have to keep going. Good Luck!

Anonymous

9/27/08 5:45pm

I do not truly know how to address your husband ,other than he sounds like a "horder".

Someone who can't bring themselves to throw anything out.

Your daughter on the other hand sounds like mine was. My daughter is now 10 1/2. Her behavior was the same as yours is . Find yourself a PYSCHITRIST as well as a new pyschologist. I finally found a psychitrist who strictyly works with children and adults on figuring out the right medicine and there doses. Trying to work with the peditrician , who just doesn't have the knowledge of all the meds in such a specialized field, was not working. By the way my daughter was diagnosed in kindergarten and we struggled . We started working with this dr. when she was 9. Believe me it is work. Trying different meds ,figuring things out. Watching your child go through this. In the long run it is worth finding meds that work. People looked at me like I was crazy for giving my daughter so much medicine. She is on 4 pills in the morning and one at bedtime. The morning pills are her ADHD meds( 2 36mg concerta, 1 10 mg Celexa( for depression), and 1 guanafacine( used alot in defiant children). At nite time she gets a Clonidine to help help go to sleep and sleep peacefully. She was one that would be all over the place in bed, she would wake up at the foot of the bed or hanging halfway off. We see her regularly and adjust meds. Some of the ADHD meds cause defiant behavior, or cause it to become worse. That was my daughters case as we tried different ADHD meds since she was at the top of Concerta's mg. Lord her behavior in the afternoon after the pills wore off. I desribed it as like a herion addict who didn't have any Herion. We did Focilin, Methylin,and Adderall. Stattera did nothing.

We also had several psychologist who only listened or suggested baby type reward systems, our daughter could care less. We would strip her room , no toys, no tv no nothing she did not care. It took until this year to figure out her punishment for bad behavior or anything else is writing sentences. We sat her down and explained how things were going to work. I always was the nice one and my husband the punisher.

We came to a united front and now she gets told something ,she gets ONE warning about doing such request and reminded that she will write sentences if SHE chooses not to obey. It works!!!! Also we build on the sentences to punish/ reward behavior.

When she has to write sentences the first day it is 20, if she CHOOSES to misbehave the next day it is 40 and so on until we hit 100. Then we start all over. This helps remind her to behave the next day or she will be writing more sentences.

We also have found a psychologist finally who listens as well as helps . She has helped tweek certain things. Just keep going to different doctors until you find one that helps.

I want to add Adhd meds can cause a multitude of side effects . So try others , she may need a short acting one when she gets home to help in the afternoon. Good luck I know what you are going through, it is so hard.

MarilynF18

9/28/08 1:02pm

Stacy,

Congratulations on reading to get yourself help with the challenges of raising your daughter Bekah. I agree with all the earlier comments. Taking one issue at a time makes life seem more doable. You are living proof of setting limited plans, doing your plans, keeping the living room and kitchen neat for relaxing is working for you. Great move.

You are doing what I recommend: seek support, read up on the ADHD disorder and be patient and kind with yourself.

Two other comments regarding diagnosis and medication:

For me, an adult over 50, the diagnosis and medication gave me answers. I, too, was resistant to taking medication at first. I admit I have a small pile of meds to keep me healthy that I pop every morning which now includes Adderall TX and some other stuff at night. On ADD meds, things changed for me. I am living a better quality of life. Home life has improved because I take medication.

For me, work was a mess, has been on and off throughout my life. Home was up and down depending on employment. So, the undiagnosed ADHD has been very tough on me, at times. I am working on changing that now, but is a slow process.

Stacy, You have great courage and patience. Keep the dialogues going between you and your husband, even on the tough topics. I find talking helps things tremendously.

Also found lots of info on the web that helped me learn about ADHD.

Sincerely,

MFenner18

Stacey

9/29/08 1:23pm

I actually am on wellbutrin for depression and I really think it is helping my adhd symptoms. I am getting more accomplished. It hasn't interfered with me working because can't work. I was on disability before I was married. I had a kidney transplant thirteen years ago. I am on immunosupressants so I get sick very easily and my body doesn't fight it off properly.

Thankyou for your reply. Bekah is home sick today so I have to go and take care of her.

Stacey

Family of ADHD

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