The Essence of ADHD... Welcome to Our World!!

Hey Vicki,

 

Would love to hear more about you and your son.

 

Grandma Lise

I don't know where to begin.  His life is a daily struggle.  He seems to be doing better since he has started taking his Adderall again.  Although he was on it when he lost his last job.  He is living back at home again since he lost his last job.  He has another job now but it's a temporary job and no benefits.  I'm praying that they will hire him permanently.  He has had problems with alcohol and drugs but seems better in that area also.  He also struggles with anger issues like some of the posts say.  He and his father have the same anger issues and therefore it can be a war zone on the homefront at times.  I have always tried to encourage and build him up.  I've tried to get him to make lists but he won't.  I handle paying his bills because he just puts it off, looses or misplaces them, etc.  His bedroom is a disaster just like his dad's (I moved into my own years ago because I could no longer deal with the clutter).  I like neat and uncluttered so it's hard for me living with these two.  Oh, I could just write you a book! 

Hey Vicki,

 

I'm glad you're here and asking for support. You're living and coping with a lot of different issues.

 

Years ago, I was taking some type of self-administered test as part of a training I was participating in. I asked my husband, "Honey, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being low, 10 being high, what would you rate me for anger?" He said, "8". I was shocked. In response, I said, "Really, I was going to rate my myself a "3". He said, "Yes, that makes sense. To the rest of the world you are a 3, to me you're and 8".

 

Now I want you to know that I am a very nice, helpful person. My husband will tell you that too. I had no idea how my anger was impacting my husband and my family. And interestingly, as I began to manage my anger better, they became more expressive of their anger. But this adjustment phase of sorts only lasted for a brief period of time.

 

I've got to go to work so l'll write again later today or tonight. I'd like to think about your email for a while too.

 

I'd also love to hear more about you and what types of things you enjoy doing Vicki.

 

Grandma Lise

Hey Vicki,

 

I've got a little more time to respond now. I think at the core of much of what you describe is a lack of relationship skills on the part of your husband and son. And for change to occur, there must first be awareness on their part.

 

A book that I read and studied many years ago that both helped me to develop boundaries and taught me how to respond when someone was violating my boundaries may also be helpful to you. The book is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I am not a practicing Christian so there were a few parts of the book that I skipped over, but the information overall was well presented and very helpful. This book is often used for book study in one or more churches in most communities.

 

The other day, I had a conversation with a friend who is publishing a book on the role of nutritional supplements in mental health. She said that since her husband started taking fish oil regularly, his grumpiness, that she had been coping with for more than 20 years, went away. I wish it was always that easy.

 

Anger problems arise from one or more causes. Sometimes what's needed is nutritional supplements, sometimes it's skills training, sometimes it's insight therapy, sometimes it's medication, and more often it's a combination of two or more of these and other things.

 

But the first step is facilitating their awareness of how their behavior is impacting you. After that, they then may or may not choose to change. I would hope they would if provided with encouragement and the means to do so. Reading the book Boundaries might be helpful to you too.

 

I can also share with you an excellent anger management program that is available from Fred Pryor seminars. It helped me. Perhaps it would help your family too.

 

If this isn't helpful, perhaps you could tell me a little bit more about what you need and want right now. By the way, a good overview of ADD and addictions can be found in books by Wendy Richardson.

 

Again, I would also like to learn more about you too.

 

You may also find it helpful to connect with Eileen here on the forum. I believe she also has an ADD husband and son, though I'm not sure why I think that. The son, who is now in his twenties, also has bipolar disorder.

 

I hope you'll continue to reach out to those here as you continue to find ways to support yourself and your family.

 

Grandma Lise

I appreciate you taking the time to communicate with me.  I try and read lots of info on ADHD.  I had recently read about fish oil and I had asked me son if he would try it.  He said he would so I am planning on purchasing some.  He takes a daily vitamin but no other supplements.  I am a practicing Christian and if it wasn't for my faith in God I would never have survived all these years living with 2 ADHD people!  He is my strength.  I will check into the books you mentioned.  My son doesn't read very much.  I have bought him some things on CD but I don't even think he has taken the time to listen to them.   As far as what I need it would be for my husband and son to have healing in their relationship, my son to be able to keep a job and be able to completely support himself  and for him to accept himself as he is.

Here's the information I left out of my previous post...

 

Fish oil - according to Linda Santini, a friend who reads about and has published a book on nutritional supplement strategies, the brain benefits from 2 grams per day for 6 -7 weeks, then a maintenance dose of 1 gram per day. For heart and circulation health, dosing is different, typically more.  

 

All of the following books, CD's, and cassette tapes are available used on the internet at greatly reduced cost: 

 

- 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey - 4 cassette tape set - no longer available new - currently available CD set is much shorter but covers similar material.

- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Christian)

- "Self-Discipline and Emotional Control" by Tom Miller, Ph.D. - anger management CD's and 34 page workbook from CareerTrack/Fred Pryor - This is expensive, today, I'd buy this used on the internet.

- Type Talk: The 16 Personality Types That Determine How We Live, Love, and Work by Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen. Other books by the authors are Type Talk at Work and 16 Ways to Love Your Lover. This work is based on Myers-Briggs personality typing and is really good.

- Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Don Richard Riso with Russ Hudson. It overviews 9 personality types, two subtypes of each type - referred to as "wings" - and the 9 levels of functioning from high to low functioning for each of the 9 personality types. They also have a website, just do a search on the author's name. This is intense reading and work that was reccommended to me by an acquaintance I trained with who is a successful ADD adult, psychologist, and ADD coach.

- Coping with Toxic Managers, Subordinates...and Other Difficult People by Roy H. Lubit, M.D., Ph.D. Dysfunctional personality types. It helped me a lot as I weighed whether or not to stay or leave a job I loved. 

- For more information about John M. Gottman, Ph.D. - the psychologist who has done extensive research on improving marriages and other relationships, go to www.gottman.com. His books are also listed on the website.

- Mental Health Through Will Training by Abraham A. Low, M.D., available used online or from national organization at http://www.recovery-inc.org/. This cognitive-behavioral type of method is useful for people who have not recovered with medication and talk therapy due to one or more brain based disorders and ineffective beliefs and habits.

 

Almost all problems grow from brain and/or personality differences and relationship skill deficits. I know this is a lot of material. We each have to find our own path. This was mine in addition to medication, nutritional supplements, learning about my ADD, therapy, and lots of self-education. I'm always interested in hearing from others what helped them.

 

Grandma Lise

Oops, out of order. My March 8 post is in response to my March 7 post, originally posted to Vicki. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Grandma Lise

Hey Vicki,

 

This is just a quick, second post to make sure I responded to the correct post so you'll be notified by email of my response to you.

 

Grandma Lise

Hey Vicki,

 

If you have a Costco near you, they sell an inexpensive fish oil that has the word "enteric coated" on the label. What that means is that the capsule doesn't dissolve until it passes through the stomach, so you won't burp up the fish oil. I store mine in the refrigerator. My friend who writes about and reads a lot of material on nutritional approaches to health and mental health regularly tells me that a loading does is 2 grams for 6 - 7 weeks, then 1 gram a week. The bottle says it's best to take after a meal. I would split the daily dosage between two meals a day. For some people, taking a well-balanced, quality B-complex is also important. The book, Your Miracle Brain will give you a lot of research based information on the role of nutritional supplements in brain health.

 

I'm so glad you mentioned that you've read a lot of books on ADD. That's very helpful. If you haven't already, the book, Healing ADD by Daniel Amen, M.D., can also be a helpful reference book because it describes 6 subtypes and the appropriate medications, diet, and nutritional supplements for each subtype.

 

Over the years, I have attended a lot of lectures and read a lot of books on a wide variety of self-help topics. Every book I've read almost always was reccommended to me by another ADD adult. Getting diagnosed, then treated, then learning about my ADD were important foundational steps in my healing and restorative process, but it was only that, foundational steps.

 

The real work and help came from mainstream books written for everyone, not just ADD adults, children, spouses, and families.

 

For relationship help, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey got me started. I still listen to and review the 4 tape set I have annually. It changed my life. Everything in is aligned with Christian values. Boundaries was the next book. The anger management program I described was next. Then I read a lot of books on personality typing that gave me insight into how different personality types think and behave. I got so much insight into people with those books. I also studied a book, Mental Health Through Will Training. It contains 50 essays and was written in the 1930's by a Chicago area psychiatrist who helped a lot of severely mentally ill people get better at a time when people were locked up and forgotten. Today his methods are learned in weekly peer-to-peer groups by Recovery, Inc. - (www.recovery-inc.org) - in person or in national phone groups. The last author that has influenced me is John M. Gottman, Ph.D. He has written numerous books on the principles for making relationships work. I have skimmed these books, not read them. Most of what I've learned from him came from listening to or reading interviews with him. These books sit on my book pile. They are research based which is important in this day and age of millions of self-help books.

 

Gosh, doesn't that sound like a lot of work? It was and it is. It took years for me to get through these materials. I wish I could make it simpler for you. Relationships are complex. In another sharepost, I will try to review the work of another psychologist who helps children transition into adulthood. Perhaps this weekend.

 

For there to be healing between your husband and son, they both need their individual needs met first. I believe strongly that you are helping them and making some progress otherwise you would have given up a long time ago even with God's help. I want to do what I can to encourage you to keep trying. This email is an overview of what I did, not homework for you. You have to find your own path with the help and support of those around you. Only you know best what will work for you and your family.

 

Grandma Lise

Ugh...correction..."then 1 gram daily".

 

Grandma Lise

Hey Terry,

 

I agree whole heartedly. ADDA is a wonderful organization. Much of what I know today was learned at those first four adult ADD conferences. From morning to night, I would stand and sit with ADD adults from all over the country and just talk. The hardest part was saying goodbye as we each left in turn for the airport.

 

Once home, I'd pull out the taped lectures from my suitcase and listen to them one at a time on my daily walks. I then used that information to help the many ADD adults I came into contact with in my support groups. It was a life transforming experience.

 

Information is empowering!

 

Grandma Lise 

Grandma L,

 

Have I ever met you at ADDA???

Terry

Hey Terry,

 

Unfortunately for me, no. I think I attended my last conference in '95 or '96, but don't hold me to that. I first learned of your work after you launched your website and published your book.

 

It was through you that I learned about ADHDCentral.com back in January, which was, for me, perfect timing, because I need support as I work toward my three personal goals for this year: house, health, and finances.

 

Thanks for the introduction. It's so nice to be part of an ADD community again.

 

Grandma Lise

Ah..sorry I missed you at ADDA (though I was there!) but am happy to connect with you here! I'm enjoying your posts and wonderful insights and support to others.

 

Terry

Thanks Terry. The feeling is mutual. My hope is that as we continue to post, we will begin to see a community build here. I'm committing a minimum of four more months to this forum. Eileen has started something so very special here. We are fortunate to be in the presence of such a kind, nurturing soul.

 

Grandma Lise

Hey Victoryg,

 

As a two time recipient of DVR services I have to tell you, applying was one of the hardest things I did during those years. Will write again tonight.

 

Grandma Lise

Hey Victoryg,

 

Glad you're here. If you stay long enough to get to know some ADD adults, you might just meet someone with whom you really connect.

 

Asking for help is hard. If I could go back do the whole DVR thing again, I'd go for it. I'd ask for financial assistance for school.

 

Sometimes, you just have to put your gameface on and push through some embarassing, perhaps even humiliating moments to get what you want. Next time, if there is a next time, you'll be better prepared.

 

DVR offices vary greatly. Some of the better one's have groups and classes where you can connect with other men and women in similar circumstances.

 

My only advice is to get really clear on why you're there, what you want out of it. If you're there to satisfy someone else's need, it won't work. You have to be there because you choose to be there. 

 

Eileen Bailley described a simple system that she uses to manage paper that I really liked, but I couldn't find it again. Eileen, if you're reading this, could you give us the date of that post?

 

For me, handling paper as it comes into the house works best. Bills go into a container designated "bills", and the rest go into a box labeled "mail" for processing later. It really helps to get mail and other papers off vertical surfaces such as kitchen counters and tables, etc. as soon as possible, or at the very latest, before you go to bed each night.

 

An old aquaintance once joked that the ideal ADD home would have no vertical surfaces, only angled surfaces.

 

It also helps to put things that you need to take with you the following day in an area next to the door. I've heard some people refer to this area as a "launching pad." 

 

The children's school papers were trapped on a $1 clipboard or on the refridgerator. I also taped important schedules, etc. to the inside of my kitchen cupboard doors. 

 

Magazines and things to read later go into basket for reading materials. 

 

A lot of information transferred to your kitchen calendar or in your chronological log book - for more information, see my previous post from a week or two ago. 

 

For clutter issues, support is available at www.flylady.net. Stardust, who also participates on this forum, and I are both participating in that program.

 

The program is based on the book, Sink Refections: Overwhelmed? Disorganized? Living in Chaos? The FlyLady's Simple FLYing Lessons Will Show You How to Get Your Home and Your Life in Order - and It All Starts With Shining Your Sink by Marla Cilley. You do not need the book or to buy any of the products to work the program - it's free, it's free, it's free.

 

I signed up for the free daily emails through the website. The testimonials are encouraging.

 

Warning: If you aren't able to read the emails same day, delete them and try again the next day. The emails have reoccuring themes. You'll see similar emails again. I allowed 600 emails to accumulate in my inbox during the month of February. I won't make that mistake again.

 

Just reading the emails for a month or two will begin to create shifts in your thinking. That's a fine place to start. The language, concepts, and terms will seem strange to you at first or for quite a while. That's okay.

 

"SHE" is for "sidetracked home executives", "FLY" is for "finally loving yourself", "CHAOS" is for "can't have anyone over syndrome", "BO" is for "born organized", "STUFF" is for "something that undermines family fun", "SAHM" is for "stay at home mom", and "Payroll SHE" is "a person who works outside the home". 

 

Would love to hear more about you, what's working, and what's not. Let me know if I or others haven't responded to all your questions or if you have more questions.

 

Grandma Lise, diagnosed with ADD in 1990

Laughing at myself. I'm always confusing "vertical" and "horizontal". An ADD oops, that I repeat over and over again...but you knew what I meant...

 

Grandma Lise

Thanks, I learned yesterday.  I was approved for VocRehab through the VA.  I will get more details soon.  I sign up for flyldy but the information was too much.  I am working a few things now.  I have a daily planner that I keep with me and I have a home calendar/bulletin board.  I getting up earlier and SPRING is coming and I am going to start walking in the morning and gardening. 

 

I appreciate your emails.  P.S. If you feel an email might be helpful please fwd. 

Hey Shaq Fan,

 

That's great news. Congratulations!

 

And you're a gardener. Oh, how I love flowers. Gardeners are the best people, wish I was one myself.

 

The FlyLady materials certainly are overwhelming at first, I agree. The important thing is that you looked at it and know that there's a structured support system there if you should ever need it. Sounds like you already have some excellent systems in place.

 

You are welcome to email me privately anytime through ADHDCentral. I live my life as an open book, so generally, I am comfortable sharing almost anything publicly, particularly because I don't use my real name on this forum.

 

Each week, I start a SharePost in which you are invited to list your tasks, goals for the week. Builds in a little accountability for us all. Please join.

 

I've heard it's only possible to change one or two things in a year. I'm pushing the envelope a little by going for three changes, but I think it will be okay because I started working on some of these goals last year.

 

Keep us posted on DVR. Oh, and I forgot to ask, how old are your children and what are you studying in school?

 

Grandma Lise

Hi Victoryg,

Welcome to the group!

I'm sorry to hear of your (horrific) experience with VR. What sorts of jobs did you have in the past and what would you like to be doing now?

Re: paper and sleeping-

Grandma L gave some good advice on paper. I have a system that seems to work and I should put it together in an article here, but the short version is...I write everything down in ONE notebook and one notebook only (other than specific ones for the projects I have cooking). So, phone calls, notes, etc go in that. Everything is dated.

I suggest to people that they keep a post it cube next to every phone in their house and at the end of each day, rip off the notes and put them in the master notebook.

There are tons of tips in my book and another one that is good is ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life .

I just wrote a Sharepost yesterday on stimulants and sleep. Towards the end of the article are some sleep tips.

Hope this helps!

Terry

Hi Victoryg,

 

The best advice I can give is this:

 

1. breathe in

2. breathe out

3. repeat over and over

 

That is the most important thing. Everything else is just living.

Here are a couple links to some information that you might find helpful.

 

Eileen Bailey is a resident expert here and she's written some really good informative articles, mostly about kids, but let's face it, we were all kids once and chances are we were ADD/ADHD then and just weren't diagnosed. In this article about anxiety, Eileen talks about the symptoms and how insomnia is related. You can read the full article here. You can also more of Eileen's shareposts here.   Eileen outlines the Americans With Disabilities act here which you might find helpful in the future. Finally, Eileen wrote an article about successful people who have ADD. You can read that article here.

 

One of the best things here at Health Central is the community. There are so many folks who just like you, are experiencing a difficult time. They log on here and they post their journals. In reading these journals, I am amazed at the strength and tenacity some folks have in dealing with their every day lives. One of those people is Joyous .  Joy wrote a journal entry this past week that really touched me. It's called, I may be ADD and I think I'm glad...but I'm not sure.  In this journal posting, Joy is outlining what she does to cope with some of the issues of everyday life. Joy is also another example of a person who has struggled through without being properly diagnosed. As doctors learn more about ADD/ADHD, people are successfully diagnosed and get the help they need.

 

I am glad to found Health Central. If you are having a good day and want to share, we love hearing from you. There might be others who can benefit from your experiences. However if you are having a challenging day, then we want to hear about that too!! Perhaps someone here might have something to add that will help you get through the day.

 

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing!!

 

Vicki M 

 

Hello Vicki: 

 

Thanks for replying.   I am going to review the information you attach.  I am planning to write a few letters to very close friend.   Sometimes, honestly, I am cautious when it comes to sharing my discovery with others.  Last week, I shared about my daughters ADD but I hinted (laughingly) I was ADHD.  The lack of sleep is a big problem.  I plan to start using my CPAC soon.  Have a great week.  Keep in touch.

Hey Shelia,

 

Would love to hear about your successes. I find these stories informative and inspiring. So glad you've joined us.

 

Grandma Lise (who has to go to work...now)

Welcome Drew,

 

It's good to meet you. 

 

Learning about anger management and boundaries was important for me too. I wish only I'd been taught these things earlier in my adults years.

 

I also wish I could say I'd arrived at that magical place where I no longer lose my temper, if only momentarily, or I always recognize when I've crossed someone's boundary line. It's a learning process. I learn so much from my co-workers and customers about myself. Sounds like you are too. 

 

Congratulations on your accomplishment. I'd be so very proud. A masters degree...

 

I look forward to hearing more about what you think and what you are experiencing as it relates to your ADD. 

 

Grandma Lise

Hi Drew!

 

Welcome to the group! Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I think many many of us with ADHD have anger "issues", which I think is a form of emotional impulsivity. Guess it goes with the territory.

 

Jump in and write more. Make yourself comfortable, ok?

 

Terry

Hey Monique,

 

Welcome!

 

Reading your email I'm not sure if you're taking medication or not. Are you?

 

Sounds like you're doing great. Congratulations on your college degree and for beginning your career. A sense of humor can make all the difference. I hope you'll continue to post here. Let us know if you have any questions or if you want to compare experiences about anything in particular as it relates to ADD.

 

And let us know if you ever find a way to manage the key jingler...

 

Grandma Lise