Sometimes We Have to Fail in Order to Succeed...

I remember when my now 22-year old son was a junior in high school. At that time his special ed case manager and I made a very difficult decision: to let him fail geometry. Our hope was that he would learn a valuable lesson from the experience. You see, he was not doing what he needed to do to pass the class; wasn't holding up his part of the bargain by doing his best. What's worse, he was not taking responsibility for his actions, continually blaming his much reviled teacher. 

Any time we challenged him on his poor test grades, missing homework or ‘missed' tutoring sessions, his response was that the teacher wasn't following his IEP (Individualized Education Plan) so, why bother? Now, never let it be said that my son is not clever. He was well aware that technically, the teacher couldn't fail him - or at least he could get the failure reversed - if the IEP wasn't being followed, so he didn't bother to put forth any effort. And to tell the truth, the teacher was pretty awful; not providing the proper support, accommodations and modifications called for in the IEP.

But Angela, his case manager and I decided that while the teacher was in the wrong, it was more important that Perry learn that he had to pull his weight and meet his responsibilities as well. After all, I'd never allowed his ADHD to become an excuse for bad behavior, and in my eyes, this was not much different. I would not help him to use ADHD as either a crutch or convenient excuse for not trying his hardest, whether innocently done or calculatingly, as in this case.

Why he failed is not the point. The fact is, there are always lessons to be learned from failures... no matter how difficult they are to handle - that's the really important point.  And as important an insight as that may be for children, particularly those with special needs, it is even more important for adults with ADHD like you and me.

Mistakes, failures and setbacks are inevitable; processing them is the way we learn. When I'm honest with myself, it's obvious all the important things I've learned in life have been lessons from my failures. When I failed college the first time around, I learned that, a) I couldn't be the perfect daughter/student/girlfriend/fill-in-the-blank that I'd always pretended to be, and that, b) I am loved anyway.

When I struggled at one job... and was finally invited to look for another position, I learned that sometimes it's ok to admit you need help; in fact it's the smart, grown-up thing to do. That lesson was really brought home when the work I had been doing on my own was split up between FOUR other people. I had been sufficiently ill-advised and insecure enough about my worth to allow all those responsibilities to be heaped on my shoulders gladly and without demur.

When I finally filed for divorce from my drug-addict-husband at the insistence of our children, I learned many, many lessons; children often see things adults don't. When someone shows you who they are, believe them; true friends will always be there to rally around you; I'm WAY stronger than I ever thought I could be, and perhaps most importantly; sometimes what seems like a roadblock in life's journey is actually a stepping stone to a better life - if I'm willing to recognize it.