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As the humorist Bill Bryson
stated in a title of one of his books "Actually,
I'm New Here Myself". I volunteered
to blog for a month for the Attention Deficit Disorder Organization (ADDA)*
without the slightest idea of what anyone wants to read in a blog. That said,
let me introduce myself...
I was recently diagnosed with AD/HD at 57. Guess that makes it clear you do not outgrow it.
Medication helped memory, but not executive function performance. As a result, my company and I parted ways for the better. It was the worst place for me. Stressed me out and depressed me for 2 years. Not doing a good job every day tore down my self esteem. Knowing the why of it all started to make sense.
I don't surf the web a half hour before I go to bed. Stimulates my brain too much. I do sleep well. My medications allow me to focus on little tasks that I was never able to tolerate doing, just had no patience for: putting dishes away fromt he dishwasher, emptying the dryer and FOLDING the Clean clothes and many others. But those two right there earned me big points on the home front. Let's here a big Hooray for Adderall time release.
Feeling crazy and stupid come from many sources. Getting tested and diagnosed dispelled the notion I was beginning to believe that I was both stupid and could not hold a job. The reality is I am different but was always tyring to conform to the masses which does not let me be me. As a result, I fail more. So I feel bad, my self esteem drops, I begin to feel a bit odd and crazy. Life is not working for me.
The holding a job has nothing to do with my smarts. It has everything to do with being just myself. That has been a lifelong pursuit or exploration.
Once again, the diagnosis of AD/HD is a piece of a puzzle about me that helps me to understand more about who I am and how I operate in the world. Past jobs were taken for income. Now I am assessing where I succeeded and failed in the past. With all this knowledge about myself I am choosing my next position more carefully. The jobs where I was challenged, had autonomy, allowed to be creative, I excelled. But, only Half the jobs I did allowed me to be me, half did not.
I think knowing the diagnosis has helped me immensely. Furthermore, I have been gentler with myself, more understanding about many things. By reading up AD/HD, on the many common behaviors of people with AD/HD I see myself. I read, I learn. I grow.
Life is better now. Knowledge is indeed power.
Keep writing for us.
Dear Marilyn:
Please see my response to you in the next posted blog Knowledge is Power for Adults with ADHD . I was very impressed with you ability to self assess and build on your experiences and skills. You have a wonderful ability to grow better not just older!
Janet Kramer
Dear Janet,
Thanks so much for the feedback. Seems I am still a bit bruised in the self-esteem after the being let go from my job. Even though it was the wrong, no worst place ever for me to be working. Unfortunately, I am only too aware, as I am sure my partner is, that my ego needs lots of reassurance these days. That goes from edging the lawn just right to making dinner. Stupid I know. But there you have it.
Maybe I should open my own blog so I don't write so much for others.
Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, I mediate, well, maybe every other day. I do exercise, sort of regularly. Mostly I try to write every day. Always has provided me with great insight into my own motives behind my actions.
Am on a medical leave. Am using the time to retrain myself on some software so I can promote myself again as a web designer. Did the work in the past, but need to retool those skills. Also, am trying to narrow my field of job search to only the things I really know I can do well. No more, "Things I was trained to do." Also, am looking virtually. Ten years ago I was a home based worker. Hey, it's a new millennium, calls for new titles. So, now I am a ‘virtual worker'. No colleagues to put up with their bad jokes, loud voices, radios, etc. I can create my own office environment. This I did before in my life with success. This I shall do again. Now I know what the home office worked so well for me.
When I need human contact, I will call a friend, talk about what I want to talk about.
Just writing out what I want in my next job to be gets me smiling. I am a believer if I put the words and image of what I seek out into the universe, then I will draw that very energy and thing to me.
Time to take a walk. Move the body. Thank you again for your supportive comments. This is all a very new time in my life. Yet coming so late in the time line seems surprising. Then, I say I don't feel nearly as old as the date book says I am. Then I remember, Winston Churchill was not Prime Minister of England until he was 65. So, much of his life prepared him for his best role in life.
I believe my best years lay ahead of me. Thanks again for your writing and support of all of us AD/HDers. Have a great day.
MarilynF18 A Misunderstood Genius