Hi,

In my opinion I have to say that it definitely has to be SO much harder having to live most of your life not knowing you had ADD/ADHD.

I often think how my life would be so much different and better if I'd had the opportunity to be diagnosed as a child, with all the knowledge and choices available, instead of finding out at 36 years old. (I'm now 46).

I could never understand the way I was. How I could be so good at some things but totally incompetent in others. Not being able to understand maths, geography and most science, yet excel in English, History, etc.. was incredibly stressful and confusing!!

Being incredibly lazy, especially on my own or having to do things for myself in particular and yet when motivated at the last minute by someone arriving home or a need to get something done, I'd be able to run around like crazy and go, go, go for many hours on end. The opposite ends of the scale all the time, never any in betweens.

I've always been an avid reader since childhood and always think I'd be a genius in certain areas, if ONLY I could remember more than bits here and there of what I've read.

Not understanding how it was possible to be looking at someone and thinking I'm definitely listening to every word they say or are instructing me on what to do, to then find, as soon as they've turned their back to me, I can't remember a damn thing they said, except maybe the first 2 things. How is that possible????

For so many years, I secretly wondered if I might be schizophrenic or something similar because of the thoughts in my head tumbling in on top of each other so often. I knew they were my own thoughts and it was me who was having so many different conversations going on in my head all at the same time or else just constantly flitting from one thing to the next but I didn't know if that's what other people might have been thinking were actually 'voices' to them.

I'd often talk to myself and have debates in my head or try to MAKE myself do something I needed to do but had no interest in and didn't want to do it. To me, it was just the motivated, pushy side of me, trying to make the unmotivated lazy side of me get of my backside and just DO IT!!! I always wondered if THAT's what people meant by hearing voices but it just never seemed to fit, as I never felt that they were other peoples voices in my head but just my very own.

I read a lot about Schizophrenia and even asked people with it about the voices they hear and they were similar to each other but different to what I experience.

Trying SO hard all the time to hide the weaknesses I had and APPEAR just as 'normal', competent, patient and NICE as every one else didn't seem to have any problems whatsoever with. By the time I'd get home from work, it was just too hard to keep it up any longer and my family often suffered from my bad moods because I'd be so irritable by then

Even though my family never belittled me or gave me a hard time about my weaknesses and I often think they may not have even noticed, as I never talked about any problems I ever had, I always believied deep down that there was something definitely 'wrong' with me.

Not understanding why I appeared to have to work so much harder than anyone else just to get little trivial things done, let alone bigger tasks or over-reacted to things or became so overwhelmingly emotional about certain things, that it physically hurt, was very hard to live with.

Always questioning "Why can't I do this", "Why am I like this", "Why do I do these things", "How can I be so logical and yet do such stupid illogical things", "Why can I do things one day easily, then hopeless at it the next", "Why don't I ever learn from my mistakes", "How do I keep losing track of time so easily", "Why am I useless during the day but always get active at night when I should be sleeping" and on and on the questions and constant confusion continued year in, year out!!!!

At least now I have a reason why and how. Doesn't make life any easier to manage the issues of ADHD but at least the shame and constant questioning of my own intelligence, abilities, personality and conflicting ways, as well as not having to always try and hide the real ME is a MASSIVE burden lifted.

At least with always knowing, you've had a reason to explain many things about yourself and your differences to others. Also the choice on whether to seek treatment, trial it, improve or not on it, share your diagnosis, educate people or  just do nothing at all was available to you and still available.

Hope that gives you a little more insight on what not knowing was like for one person at least.

Cheers, Michele

Onan

9/17/09 1:53am

I almost cried before I had even finished reading your response. Every single word there completely echoes the life I have been living for 25 years. I think about the burden I've put on my 3yr old daughter, my wife and the rest of my family and I think about the same intense burden they put on me with the whispers or screaming "Lazy", "Quitter", "What's wrong with you"

What's even harder than not knowing is just finding out, and not being able to get the help you need because your an adult. And adults are not supposed to have ADHD, and if you ask for help you're just after a prescription of legal meth.