Just like some of you I just could not/ did not want to admit to myself I'm depressed because I,like so many of you, used to be the life of the party! My smile used to light up a whole room; But lately I've felt so dull. I started to try and find reasons as to why I fet like I've been so dull, and I came up with that I'm a lot smarter than I ever thought I was. This is going to be a very scatter-brained post because I'm not on my adderall lol, but when I first started taking adderall it was the best feeling I had EVER experienced. I had found out what my actual capeabilities were. In Highschool ( Now a Sophomore in college, Graduating 6 mo. early && taking summer school, I should have just finished my first semester in college) I could not pay attention for the life of me. I had no idea why I would study just as much as the kid next to me, but get a "C" and they would get an "A". It always took just that much more effort for me. As above, I graduated early, moved four hours from home, and completed my first semester of college at the age of 17. Sounds awesome right? Well I only finished with a 2.7 which isn't persay bad but I felt like I should have done much better. I had already discussed medication for ADD prior to college, but had always refused; I felt like ADD/ADHD medications made kids zombies, which I didn't want to lose my personality (..fail). So In the Summer I started taking Stratera, which didn't do jacksh*t, and I might have lasted a month and a week when I decided to just stop taking it. In August, I started the Fall Semester with Chemistry, English, Sociology, and History. Not too heavy of a load, but was quite challanging. About a week in the semester I took my first Adderall- and might I say, I never felt better in my life. After only a few times of taking it I went to a local doctor (with my neighbor) and he brought us both in at the same time and gave us a speech. The speech 95% described me, and my (male) neighbor for that matter (who had already been rescribed 70 mg Vyvanse, and was there to be double prescribed....for the wrong reasons). Nonetheless, He prescribed me at a starting dose of 70mg of adderall. I had no idea what a normal dose of adderall should be (starting), I later on found out that's not normal.. Though in October, I was in two car accidents with-in five days of each other, and two days later got a staff inffection ( which I am not sure was actually a staff infection, but possibly a side-effect of an overdose of adderall- it's an acutal condition, you can look it up!) on my face which left me looking like someone took a torche to my face. I did heal by Halloween (my last wreck on Oct 17th), but for two weeks my skin was falling off my face gushing blood, scabbing and reoccurring, I wore a hat 24/7. The day my face condition started I had a Chemistry test, in which after the test the professor asked me to take my hat off, so I then explained I had a condition on my face and didn't feel comfortable taking the hat off. Though, She insisted it was procedure against cheating and when I took my hat off all she could say was "Ohh, you do have an allergic reaction, you should see a doctor.." --- B#$^H. I ended up failing that test with a 50- mind you that was the class average, highest grade was a 62, and she did NOT curve. After that day I had had enough, I had been to tutoring 3 times a week and went in for office hours but I just couldn't achieve the grade I wanted. So I dropped the class, (Oct 19th) and wondered why my medication didn't help me out? Was it because I had formed a tolerance? Was it because of the wrecks ( I was diagnosed w/ post concussion syndrome, even though i didn't hit my head; I was/am 96lbs and jarred&stuff causing concussions in both) I wasn't sure if I had memory loss. So I though that was a good chance to work on my other three classes and make straight A's. I had a paper due in English that I had spent 8 hours in the Library working on (on my meds.) and had never felt better about writing a paper. It's a task I usually dread but writing on my meds made me feel charismatic, and my prof. looked forward to reading my paper after proofing my rough draft. At this point I informed my professors of the wrecks, as I was suffering migraines, blackouts, memory loss, problems w/ rapid eye movement ect, ironically enough my Eng.Prof, wasn't concerned, asking "Okay, so what do you want me to do?" I acutally didn't want any of them to do anything, just to be aware that when I get up (rise) and move to quickly, I black out... Didn't want to freak someone out by just passin out in their class..excuse me for trying to be considerate! Anyway, I was so excited to turn this paper in, I never thought I had written this well. I recieved my paper back with a fat "F". I had never cried so hard in my life. With everything that had already happened to me I thought that was the icing on the cake. I had never failed before but I was a "C" student. It crushed me, Adderall where were you? I dropped that class also, knowing with all my conditions stress was even worse for me. The first week of Nov. I passed out twice, the first time I made it to a chair, didn't know what was going on, and the second I legit. passed out in the kitchen and woke up to my roommate yelling and screaming at me, Of course I was like uhh... wtf are you doing; She then informed me I passed out. I quickly got up, sat in a chair felt the massive urge to sleep and then started throwing up (like the night before)- right on the kitchen counter (cute). The next weekend ( I live in TX) my mom picked me up for a babyshower in Louisiana, which I completely missed because I passed a kidney stone and was on so much morphine I couldn't function around that many people. At this point I had stopped my medication all together, at the advisement at a neurologist. I took almost a month off of my medications, and I felt tired, sluggish, not as useful but with only two classes, which are my passions/easy for me I didn't think much of it. Though as finals approached I took my adderall on TU&TH when I had class and that was it. I pulled "A"'s in my two classes and now have a GPA of 3.3. I think it's obvious of an improvement in my academic performance. About two weeks ago, the Monday before finals, I was told I had a 6mm Kidney stone, and lithotripsy was the best option, esp.if I didn't want to end up in the emergency for the 3rd time this year. I had an EEG scheduled that had to be cancelled for this procedured that I recieved last Wednesday (which on top of last Tuesday I broke my laptop). If you don't know about this procedure, look it up for more info. But it was completely painfull afterwards, I've been urinating blood for a week, and taking painkillers as prescribed but can't feel a thing... as if my body hadn't been through enough. The point is, I can't tell why I'm depressed. I had my medication changed to one 30 mg XR and two 20 mg (regular-- fmr script 3-20mg reg) because at the time I wasn't sure ( and I'm still not) if I had formed a tolerance. I've always thought "well hey, since I don't feel like I'm "speeding" anymore than this is probably normal and how it's supposed to work" but I also have had problems with my post concussion syndrom- and when taking the meds only when I need to, I only took a 20 mg. which was surprisingly sufficient for the whole day (possibly causing depression b/c I'm used to a higher dose?). I'm not sure when it started (the depression), but I've never felt more alone in a crowded room. I've had a hard time making friends since moving to college, and I can assure you it's not a maturity things, in a non-vain way I really am beautiful, I've always been out-going and spunky but for some reason (& other factors like my roommate &&such have contributed) I just can't make friends. I feel like people that have once cared, don't any more. I told my mom the other day, I was going to go out with this kid because I always wonder why I don't have friends/people don't ask me to do things anymore and it was because I always said no. I also grew the hell up. Life got me good with a punch in the nose, and I've been bleeding ever since. I've realized so much that I'm not sure some people even realize in their life times. The world is an ugly and cruel place, and it makes me so sad to see what it has become. I've also been through a considerable amount of misfortune this semester and everytime I think it's the end of it, it gets worse. I've had terrible misfortunes in my life that I would never wish upon anyone else, but I somehow always came out a better, more positive person. This has all happened at once though, and I tried for so long to be a positive person, which I normally am. But how much can one go through? I feel as if maybe I'm making an excuse as to why I'm depressed, and it possibly could just be my on and off use of adderall. But I'm 18 and I don't feel alive any more. I feel like I'm searching for something that will never come. I look at my parents and want to cry because they have worked so hard to give me everything I've wanted and all they do is bicker with each other now. Every aspect of my life has fallen apart.. My health, My three year relationship (which ended this semester also), and if my parents are next... I don't even know. I pray.. I mostly pray for others, and slip one in there for myself with the health- but I ask God to make me a stronger person. I don't pray for things like grades, jobs, boys.. ect. When I pray to God, I ask him to make me a strong enough person to get through the dilemma at hand. I know there are so many people that have things a million times worse than me.. but this feeling is so deep. It's heavy right where my heart is. I know broken heart is just figurative speech but I swear I feel a hole right where my heart is. Some days I feel like this all day. Some days it's just a random feeling that comes and goes quickly. Some days not at all. I used to get introuble a lot in highschool, not because I'm a bad person, I just couldn't didn't make the right choices ( no drugs, minor offfenses, just repeatdley) but no matter what I was doing in highschool, and as much as I just wanted to get outta there, I always felt alive. I don't just mean adrenaline, it's more of feeling care-free and letting my feelings be my feelings. I have a whole life ahead of me, and if this is how I'm going to feel the rest of my life, I'm not really looking forwaard too it too much. Three friends and an ex-boyfriend of mine (along w/mom and dad) are the only people that make me feel alive; but what happens when they're not around anymore? I often question what I mean to people, and to myself. I know my mom and dad are there, they have been this whole semester but what about the people my age? I'm so scared that I'm going to wind up living with my parents when i'm freaking 30 because I just couldn't handle the social pressure. That's when I know I need to get over myself, I constantly wonder where that positive out-going girl went. Should I be on an Anti-depressant? I think it's clear that I'm obviously going through a little depression, but why? Is it my medicine? Is it because my life has just been so conflicting the past semester? I just want to be myself again and feel alive. Last thing / side note(s). Thank you all for bearing with me. I haven't really told anyone this, which I know is a problem. I'm just not sure how to tell someone (esp, without having a break down). I'm not addicted to my medication. I don't feign for it and if I don't have it it's not a problem for me. It does dramatically alter my moods (in a goodway) and makes me more rash and decisive. I would love to read your thoughts and advice. I really am trying to be strong, and here is my advice to some of you... - I believe the cliche quote "everything happens for a reason".. though, I think sometimes we give reasons for why things happen to satisfy ourselves/to justify things and the reason is really unknown to us. It all happens because they're lessons to be learned. - Doing something little for yourself helps get through the day. Even if it's hearing a song on the radio and blasting it for everyone to hear while singing at the top of your lungs. If it makes you feel better, screw them. Go see a movie by yourself (actually relaxing), take a walk, ect. Don't forget about yourself, or others will too. Splurge on that thing you've been wanting; You can't expect others to help you if you're not helping yourself. - Write down how you feel. I know it's such a pain in the ass, but it honestly feels great after you've done it. Put a playlist together of your favorite meaningful songs, the ones that hit your heart. Get lost in the song, I sing which leads to crying, which is what I aim for. I don't cry often and when I do it needs to be a big one. Crying is okay, and almost 99% of the time I feel better afterwards. Excersize. It's so important, to move your muscles, use your body and it doesn't have to be intense. Adderall does cause tension and contains caffine which reduces your bone calcium- leading to osteoporosis (spellcheck) in women and fragile bones in both sexes. Exersizing also leads to endorphines, which will naturally make you happier. As an 18 year old female, I do like to be tan ( haven't been in so long due to medicalprobs & appt beds are standup), but tanning also gives you endorphines. Stand up beds don't have quite as much effect as laydown beds, which I myself find more relaxing. Don't over-do it but tanning always makes me feel a little better.Get that Vitamin B! Marjuana. Obviously this is illegal, but with my migraines and health issues, this is better for me than all of the other medications this crazy doctors try to put me on. It's non-addictive, which is great because all these painkillers are, and I try not to take them unless I'm in severe pain for that very reason. Painkillers also cause rebound headaches, just incase you darlings with migraines wanted a fun-fact. It (mary-jane) calms me down, takes away my migraines, and makes me feel like I can just relax. This is a before bed-time kind of remedy and slows my brain down for me to go to sleep with out anything on my mind. I do not encourage this last remedy, but I'm simply stating how/what it does for me. Thanks again for reading/responses. It's so greatly appreciated. I hope I some how helped one of you out, just like one of you (many of you*) helped me out. Keep your faith, happiness is just around the corner.