Help - I was married (going thru divorce) to ADHD husband and have a ADHD son.
I am getting divorced from an ADHD husband, who denied being ADHD. He met with a doctor after I begged him to and after 40 minutes w/ the doc said he was not ADHD. I have since discovered this individual has been dishonest on many levels, in and out of jobs for 24 years (each year the stress grew for me) holding each one for a short period, put our financial lives in a tailspin. I was in over my head and now want to help my son who is enabled by his father. He is going down the same road as his dad - not totally honest, summer has its own problems with the job scene, wants to be the BMOC in college and I could go on. He was diagnosed but refused medication. He did very well in high school and is in a tough college today. He is angry with me because I will not give him everything he wants, usually money. HELP!!!
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I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. Many teens and young adults with ADHD want to discontinue (or not start) on medication. For some, using behavioral strategies works and they manage their ADHD symptoms in other ways. Many people find success this way. Others, however, choose medication to help manage symptoms. Your son may be able to manage symptoms and succeed in college without medication if he implements behavioral strategies.
In addition, many people with ADHD are more emotionally immature than their non-ADHD counterparts, so while your son may chronologically be in late teens or early twenties, his emotional maturity may not be. This frequently causes problems socially or with family members and can become even more difficult if both parents are not working together (and one is enabling).
Despite your (ex) husband enabling your son, you must still stand your ground. It is okay for you to have certain expectations, such as holding a job over the summer. It is also okay for you to set limits on how much money you will give to your son. As parents, we must all set limits as to how much we will do for our children. This is how they learn independence and self-sufficiency. Our children do not always understand and agree with our decisions, but we still must do what we feel is best for them.
You cannot stop your (ex)husband from enabling your son, you can only do what you feel is best.
You may also want to read:
Adult Children with ADD Living at Home
I hope this helps.
Eileen
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