Hi, How can I stop myself from getting getting carried away when I am talking on the phone, also one on one talking to another, that I don't end up in a monologue and the other person, dosen't get a chance to hardly talk. This happens a lot and it has been the cause of embrassment and conflict with a good friends. I can't seem to get a balance, I have a invisiable clock, but I don't have it on me all the time. Please give me suggestions as I don't think some of my friends call me because of my talking problem. They know I have Add and bipolar, but it still causes me problems. Do I talk more because I have both disorders? I would appricaite any help you could offer. Thank you, Sr. Carmelita
This is probably the most brutally honest and helpful post Ive found on the net! Thats...much love :)
Simple clear literal tips like yours are direct yet helpful.
Wish others trusted me to your tips when I ramble.
I totally agree!
Well..thank you very much!
Very helpful tangible tips.
Would lovr to hear your progress.
Wish you success and happiness.
Wendy..a fellow chatterbox:)
I am a 39 year old and I am also trying to stop talking so much in life, I am the type that always wants to know the "who what where when why of everything. This leads me to wants and desires that I could never achieve. Traffic just kills me inside. I would rather drive 4 hours longer (if it was moving) on a road trip instead of a 30 minute traffic jam experience. I have tried a few things that help but I haven't been able to keep it up. First thing I tried to do was not talk at all. ZERO talking. As i got better at it I started to see all the questions and observations I had. About 4000 a second. Just kidding. But i did start to see what things I thought about that just didn's mean anything important. If you look at your brain for a minute.... think of the ADHD mind and how it constructed the pathways so that we could think and access all those thoughts and memories. Our brains thoughts are almost like a lightning blast, the ones that travel horizontal instead of vertical. When I think of stuff I think of many outcomes and many variables in one flash then some part of my consciousness pulls out some topic or question in that flash that I verbally talk about or ask about. We need to make a new pathway that is built in front of all the old pathways we have up to this point. We need to make a doorman if you will or a security guard that is able to react before our lightning blast goes off in our heads. Think of it this way as we grow up we make little connection nodes in our minds as we use these nodes they grow and grow becoming like major thought stations like a train depot. The more we use that particular train station the bigger and more routes come and go from that node. With ADHD I think we have many major depots that each of our thoughts has to go through and because the nodes are so big and strong we are able to have a lot of thoughts at one time, it is in the focusing of those thoughts where we have issues. My thought is this, I am 29 years old now there is no way I am going to make new nodes as strong and functionable like I want to stop being who I am, SO I was thinking I needed to create something in my mind that reacts before the rest of my mind. And I like to use the word tribal beat to describe it. Each of us has to find something that we will remember every time we go to speak. Snapping a rubber band on your wrist each time you want to talk might help. Studies have shown that if you can add a little pain you will learn better and faster. There was a study done where people went into a room and were given time to memories some information. One group was asked to shut off the light when they left the room. Half of the group was given a light shock from the light switch. The group that had pain had a much higher retention rate then the group that did not. I do not advocate violence but I do understand the we as humans do learn with pain. The mind has many voices to it. We have our self talk we have fight or flight and we can have conversations with an imaginary self inside. This is old news to anyone that has taken a philosophy class or a psychology classes. But what we are not taught is to heal our selves with ourselves. I not saying it's easy but we can teach ourselves to change its just very very hard because our neural pathways are well developed. Try making new pathways with a new tribal beat or some other thing that you cannot avoid. The other part you will need to do is make sure to tell your family and friends to help you and understand that you don't want to talk for a while until you have developed a stronger inner self to filter your thoughts before your thoughts get in the way. Good Luck
hi thanks love your stork
okay so all the information above is helpful, but what i find is i need something to remind me. I talk and talk and talk and dont remember to remember that i need to stop talking too much. I'm thinking maybe i need to set a timer. but...its hard to do that when you dont usually plan to talk.
I think it would be best for me to recognize when i start to ramble. any suggestions on how can i remind myself?
Better conversations for those with ADD in 5 easy steps!
I had a friend who was patient with me and when I'd go on and on she'd say "key points". I got in the habit of asking myself how relavant the information is, especially when I feel like I'm telling too much information. For example:
So the other day I saw some pants on that billboard for such and such on highway blah blah blah and I thought they'd look good with this shirt I have that I got from aunt Penny last year. So I went to see if they had them at this and that store but they didn't have them, but I did find this really pretty scarf that had blue flowers on it that reminded me of the curtains in my friend Tilly's house. Her dog looked like a dirty dust broom until they had it groomed, but one time they took it to a discount place and it looked really weird. Like the time I got my hair cut at disount vaccu-cuts. I don't know why I went there. I don't know why I still have sex with personal information you wish you hadn't blurted out...
So what's relavant? Depends on what was said before.
Let's use: "I blue mustangs are awsome."
The above sentance popped out because, you remember you saw one of the new ones when you were shopping, and you were going to agree that they looked really cool. The problem is that you also remembered why you went shopping in the first place and your brain decided that it was relavant as well, but as you began explaining you forgot about the car. Idealisticly this would be your reply (I'll explain HOW to get there below):
"Oh yeah I saw one when I was shopping, they ARE cool."
The person may ask you what you were shopping for to which you could reply sometimg like "oh these pants I saw on a billboard" ...
Getting to that ideal statment takes some work, but it IS reachable. It's important to understand what the end looks like. Having a map where "X marks the spot" is always favorable to just wandering around in a dark room. You have to train yourself. Here's how:
Identifying when you do it. Most people reading this will have already mastered this step and know what it feels like to almost be stading inside yourself screaming "STOP TALKING!!!".
Evaluation. Addressing what was said after the fact gets you familiar with slowing yourself down. Once you are alone try to replay the conversation in your head. I know we all overly analyze stuff but in this instance it is helpful. As you scan your rant apply it to what was said before and ask yourself WHY that person needed to know that information. Your brain will start to recognize that the person did NOT need to know most of it.
Step 3:Doing it LIVE!! Once you start to retro analyze your converstations you'll automaticly start doing it when you talk to people. At first you'll just notice yourself doing it then you'll catch yourself, until finally you're having conversations with people that arn't one-sided!!! :D
Developing an inner monologue or thinking about things before you say them. Don't worry if you take a minute to reply at first. Getting in the habit of playing your words in your head before saying them out loud takes a bit of paitence at first but eventually it becomes second nature. Don't beat yourself up if you do it only once per 20 conversations. A little bit goes a long way but saying something in your head BEFORE saying it out loud can sometimes stop you from saying something you wish you hadn't.
Step 5Meditate. For 20 minutes try to have non-thought. Take deep breaths and try and think as little as possible. Idealisticly you want to do this every morning. Realisticly you may do this only once every few months at first, but the more you do something, the more you do it. This is also the most helpful step. It solidifies all the other steps.
So what does doing look like? Kinda like this:
"So the other day I saw some pants on that billboard for such and such on ... why is this important? what were we talking about? cars? what do billboards have to do with cars? they're by the highway... what about cars? Mustangs are cool. Nothing to do with billboards ... highway blah blah blah and I thought they'd look good with this shirt I have that I got from aunt Penny last year. ...do they need to know this? why is aunt penny in a conversation about cool mustangs? irrelavant ... So I went to see if they had them at this and that store but they didn't have them, ... oh yeah this is where I saw the mustang!!.. but I did find this really pretty scarf ... oh yeah that's what I bought ... that had blue flowers on it that reminded me of the curtains in my friend Tilly's house ... yeah the other person had no interest in curtains at Tillys.. Her dog ... what about the car? ... looked like a dirty dust broom until they had it groomed, but one time they took it to a discount place and it looked really weird. ... this story would probably be more interesting during a conversation about funny looking dogs and a person happily thinking about a car won't want to be distracted with a dog story ... Like the time I got my hair cut at disount vaccu-cuts. ... really shouldn't have brought that up ... I don't know why I went there. I don't know why I still have sex with... ahhh make it stop!!!..."
"So the other day I saw some pants on that billboard for such and such on ... why is this important? what were we talking about? cars? what do billboards have to do with cars? they're by the highway... what about cars? Mustangs are cool. Nothing to do with billboards .... So I went to see if they had them at this and that store but they didn't have them, but I did find this really pretty scarf that had blue flowers on it. And that's when I saw the car!!! It IS cool!"
"When I bought that scarf, you know the one with the blue flowers, I saw one of those. It WAS really cool looking."
Anyway. That's the process I went through. Hope it helps.
I have ADD and my son has ADHD and it has been a noticable issue.
After seeing my son following in my footsteps, I try to listen to myself and others. When I hear me go into a long rambling story, my only control is that I heard myself for once now I know I'd better stop soon!
When I hear the other end of this conversation either saying they've got to go or other clues I am now more conscious. Still difficult to stop....
Well, I have to say, how to stop talking much is going to be quite hard.
As a person with ADHD, I have been successful at minimizing the amount of talking by practicing to listen to another person. If your an extrovert, you probably have an easy time meeting new people. Meeting a new person and listening to what they have to say, without you chatting back alot can help. Listening one minute at a time is a good approach to reducint the amount of story telling on your part.
Mr. JP Excitement
thx for the tip because my dad says i talk 2 much but he had ADD and everyone thinks i have ADHD and ADD because i talk alot and dont pay attention 2 well so anyways thx 4 the tip this is helpfull
I too have the same problem and now I have a 17 month old baby I must keep an eye on to see if she has the same thing as me. I hate the fact that I talk soooo much, people are never interested in what I have to say and I hate it when they say, " oh she talks so much, here comes the chatter box." I want to die!!!!!
This is the conclusion (working on it still) the less people know about me, the more power I have and the less they can talk behind my back. I put a lot of personal stuff out there because I talk so much (breaking the silence). Now I say I want to be a mysterious person, a person people want to know about yet never does (remember those people in school, work)? I also notice that people who grew up alone tends to talk more because they don't have anyone to talk to so they regurgitate everything that happened to them to the first person they see.
It takes one to know one, so no those without our special condition never understand. But I do.. From someone who understnds..
Try to think about yourself,like your face. Or you could try to talk to yourself in a mirror so that you can get it all out of your system before you meet up with a friend.this will literally prevent you from letting out a weirdly immense amount of your important events that have lately took action in your actual past life.You should never ever take anything like a type of pill, or medison because you can get scientificaly sick and you may want to have a long happy overwelming, and peacfull future of life.take it from me, the 9yr old little girl in the 4th grade, but I tend to have absoloutly terriffic gramar.thaaaaaaaank you veeeeeery much.trust me, Iv'e tried it before.
I just wanted to say that I found this board after being made fun of for talking too much for the zillionth time and cutting a friend out of my life because of it.
First off, when I read all the posts about monitoring it, I become a little defensive and upset because I DO TRY to monitor it well during business interactions at work and feel like I typically do an okay job. However, if I am over-excited, passionate, or anxious about a topic, naturally my frontal lobe isn't working at full capacity to control my impulses and it IS like an avalanche where I only see the damage after I stopped to take a breath. Then I feel just plain awful - embarrassed, sick to my stomach, and I just want to slink away to my office to hide forever. I do not think that internal controls are the answer when your emotions are high - I doubt it is possible.
My second comment is this - in my friendships and personal conversations, I would like to believe that I can be myself. I am aware that I need to take turns, so I make sure to ask questions and sit back during our conversations. I also try to check to see if they have "time" for me before I begin our conversation and accept and hangup/walk away if it isn't a good time. However, if you are my friend, then accept that I expend a lot of energy in everything I do, especially story telling and conversations. If you are going to continually point it out or send out little nasty remarks about it, then you are NOT worth my time. I know I have a problem and I'm managing it the best I can. It HURTS when you keep pointing it out and at the end of the day my philosophy is going to be, "Screw you, then you don't need to hear me talk at all." It's easier to avoid that person all together and not consider them a friend then be constantly hurt.
Thanks for listening to my tirade! It feels good just to get it all out :)
Hi, Sr. Carmelita, I am a 38 year old man with ADHD so I understand about your condition first hand. If you can cut the amount of time on the phone by watching television , listening to the radio or using some technology to get distracted.
People without the ADHD condition are turned off by a person who has the condition.
The excessive talking on the phone can be reduced by finding other outlets to distract you.
Hope this starts to help
Thankyou for sharing your personal stories of overtalking and the way it makes you feel. I really thought I was the only one who experienced this problem so acutely- to the point of isolating myself completely, avoiding social contact, sleeping and generally hating myself for not being able to keep my expansive responses to everything to myself. Isolation has not been the solution, quiet time, stilling my thoughts by breathing, knitting, gardening, resting and honest reflection on my personal conduct and acting on any insights has. It was a relief last year to stop working as a patient liaison because I stopped being presented with 50 to 80 people a day with whom I felt the urge to tell everyone every opinion, every solution and everything that had happened in my life, that hour, that day, that week , that year and then end up in tears because the humiliation was extreme, the self hate vitriolic and the powerlessness overwhelming. So stopping work was a good thing 'cause there was no fuel for the fire! I was good at my job but the burden of talking was insurmountable. LIke many others I have always felt the pressure to fill the silences, to make sure I am understood by enforcing understanding by information overload, and castigating myself when I give an answer to a question that I didn't think 110% gave a true picture of what I was thinking. I AM DOING IT NOW!!
Anyway the practical actions that are helping me now are
accepting that everything I say is not interesting to others,
understanding that it is enough that some things are just interesting to me and that is ok,
practicing listening to others by asking questions and listening to their tone not just their words,
admitting that what I thought was great interpersonal skills was talking covering for anxiety
that not everyone likes me and thats ok,
having a quiet day before I go into a social interaction,
accepting that I don't have to think so hard about everything,
consciously planning and writing down what is private and no go area for conversation
accepting that loquacious answers don't make me more interesting or attractive,
planning to do less things each day and sticking to a routine - no routine=anxiety=excessive talking and sharing,
breathing, breathing, breathing
actively liking myself a bit more each day and judging myself a little less harshly,
identifying with the calmer aspects of my personality rather than just my identity as a talker,
spending time with people who are quieter doing quiet things - like gardening not sitting drinking tea or coffee,
and last but not least - if you are prone to excessive talking cut down on or excise drugs and alcohol from your body because the feed the talking and the self loathing.
There has been so many straight talking, honest solutions given in these responses, thankyou so much because it gives me so much hope. I too am adding these to my list of strategies, especially the one about writing the actual monologues down - I am especially going to review interactions where I have told the same story a gazillion times and get the damn stuff out of my head.
Thankyou to everyone, take care and peace to you all
Three things which have helped me are:
1) A counselor once told me (to my great amazement) that my "turn" in a conversation is only supposed to be 3-5 sentences.
2) I need to remind myself daily to keep my comments short, so I post acronyms on my work computer or in my car, such as: KYCS; B,IYTTM(EOT),TNPAWWSYF. That stands for: Keep your comments short; because, if you talk too much (even one time), the nice people at work will shun you forever. If I read the acronym every day, I don't forget what the acronym stands for; and, more importantly, I don't forget to practice it at work.
3) I began keeping a "work diary" on my computer at home, which is just as much of a release for me as talking at length to a very good friend about work. Another benefit of the diary is it has helped me to gain valuable insights.
I have thought of the diary idea as well. My boss has flat out told me that my "motormouth" is the only thing keeping me from promotion. I HAVE to get this under control.
Hi, I am the mom of two teens who have ADHD. One is a talker. I came across this discussion because of this problem and I have found a lot of good ideas for her and us as her family. I appreciate all your suggestions.
Although I do not have this issue personally, I did want to say something concerning trying to work through something that is hard to overcome. I have had my own set of issues to over come. In my 49 years of life, I eventually learned that overcoming the hard stuff is far from easy. I use to kick myself when it didn't happen instantly. When I gave myself some lei way, I gave myself a few weeks to a month. Sometimes, things take a long time to work through. Within the last 5 years, I have realized that some processes to overcoming happen slowly. Using this issue as an example... At first, you don't realize that you are talking too much until after after the conversation is over or you saw the body language that the listener is getting annoyed, etc. BUT!!!! hey, you DID realized this. Congratulations! you want to get better. Eventually, you start to realize one or more of these things during the conversation. congratulations!!! things are getting better. Realization is the first step. Next, you start making attempts to use those cues to help yourself to talk less. Congratulations, you are making progress! It all depends on the person how long this takes. Eventually, you start to think ahead or at the start of a conversation or social situation of the strategies you have developed for handling this and it gets easier and easier to deal with and your successes are closer together.
I guess, I want to encourage you all to keep trying. We all have issues we have to overcome in life. Some are easy, some are hard. It is easy to be hard on ourselves when it doesn't happen in the time we alott for ourselves. Look at what progress you have made and go from there. Walt Disney, as quoted in he movie "Meet the Robinsons" said, "Keep moving Forward". Mostly concentrate on the successes, evaluate and move on. Use what you just learned for the next time.
this made me cry. i am so hard on myself and my mom is gone and i dont have any other woman to turn to when i need to be told good job. I didnt even know I needed to be told that it just made me cry, I am still crying.
I am not sure this will help, other than I sympathize strongly with the upset this causes.I have had the same problem for many years, which has persisted despite many attempts to overcome or curb it. I find that no matter how aware I am of the problem at the start of a conversation, as soon as I get involved in it I have an avelanch of thoughts, then I get excited, and 'forget' that I am NOT supposed to talk. I also think I become very involved in sorting out my thoughts internally - there are SO many, I end up unsure of what I think, or thinking 10 different things, which makes it hard to be concise.
Also, on the occasions I DO manage to be brief, or am forced to answer a question quickly - afterwards I feel frustrated and angry, or Im afraid Ive given the 'wrong' answer.
I have recently discovered I have adult ADD, and I am now hoping that finding the right medication will help, as I suspect the key is to find a way to stop the avelanch of thoughts in the first place.
Am 25 years of age and I have had ADD all my life.Only yesterday my boss reprimanded me for talking too much,he told me that i should cool off and shut up and that i was embarrasing myself and ruining my career.It was painfull and i prayed that God may cure me so as to be quiet like other human beings.
I want to be a quiet guy!
@kentwist, and others - I often find myself feeling bad particularly after group social situations (like potluck/organizational meetings), because I get "overexcited" and talk too much though I try very hard not to, and so forth. AND, it's also one thing to challenge *yourself* to speak intentionally and consciously and to actively listen (all of which may lead some of us to speak less...), and a very different thing to be put down (by your boss!) in such a way as you describe - *especially* in a work environment, by any sort of supervisor. Perhaps there's room in your life to consider a different career path or different department/company etc. - the one you're in sounds abusive. there's one where you will be valued and told so out there in the world. In all my fast talking there is also a lot of energy and passion and ideas, and I am a great multi-tasker and "people person". Good things other people struggle with, that come naturally to me! Point being, your voice is important, you contribute to the universe, and I'm sorry that your boss is so cruel and inappropriate - perhaps he is the problem, not you.
I too, don't know how to stop yakking. It's a recent thing. I'm 57. I used to be a cool brainiac. The drs believe I have post-menopausal Adult ADHD. Brought on by hormonal chgs. I knew what it was like to be high-functioning & a good conversationalist. Where did that person go???
ADDAnyway, your post made me cry. It was raw & honest. Thanks for your insight. I hope all of us find an answer.....soon.
Sorry for the dupe response, misspellings, etc. First chatroom experience & post-surgical hand!! I write like I talk, lol!!!
Just wanted to clarify my response referred to "kentwist's" entry.
I agree w the other posting re: problem is w boss & job. U deserve better. Good luck.
I've suffered from this all my life and I'm a grandmother.
We need to listen, and we DO when the speaker first begins to talk. But our brains start rapid-firing in dizzying response to the speaker’s words/input. Soon an idea comes up we want to share. If we don’t share it immediately, our brains will be miles past and it will be lost by the time the speaker finishes (especially if the speaker is long-winded). We want to share it with the best intentions, but we’re perceived to be rude and uncaring.
Holding onto our idea by repeating it silently enough to drown out all other thoughts isn’t listening. Constantly reminding ourselves to be quiet isn't listening. But holding a couple of fingers thoughtfully over our mouths may help. Writing our idea down isn’t listening, though it can beat interrupting. This could be great at work or in class. But can you imagine the looks you’d get taking notes at a party? Or when your neighbor stops to gab when you take the trash out?
In order to listen in most settings, we must be relaxed enough that our brains can focus, or let our idea be forgotten. That’s why many might find relief using hypnosis. Self-hypnosis is free and we can do it as often as we like. I got the book "Instant Self-Hypnosis: How to Hypnotize Yourself with Your Eyes Open" by Forbes Robbins Blair. It's easy, just takes a few minutes a day, and it works for me and most (per online reviews). I'm losing weight with it now. I just ordered his other two books -- reviews for all online. This book is special because all you need to do is read aloud. I haven’t been able to find a hypnosis script on interrupting or talking too much. But the above book has a section on how to write your own script, as well as a generic “bad habit” script where you fill in the blanks, and a "Stop Stressing Out" script in the above book that could be good places to start. There are other self-hypnosis books too, but I haven't read them. You could start with your local library.
We can also use affirmations and meditation to enhance help us around others and have more confidence, and to improve our memories and our attention spans. There are many free examples on the web and Youtube.
I think if we get our subconscious minds in line with our desires we’ll likely experience more success without adding more stress to ourselves. What do you think?
I see myself here in spades. Thankyou for all the ideas and the fact that I am not alone.
So many of the comments here have been very helpful to me, a fellow recovering talkaholic. I have taken many of your comments and added them to a list of "rules" for myself. In addition to some of your suggestions, I have added the following to my "rules" list:
4) Don't interrupt others. [You already interrupt others WAY too much, which they find very frustrating and annoying] .
5) Allow others to interrupt you. [They might simply be trying to ask you to repeat something you just said or trying to tell you that you misunderstood what they just said, thereby making all your lengthy comments completely irrelevant]
6) Only make the point(s) which you had originally planned to say when you began talking. NO ONE HAS TIME TO LISTEN TO SOMEBODY SAY EVERY SINGLE THING THEY CAN THING OF TO SAY ON A SUBJECT! If you really want to make the other points, GIVE THE OTHER PERSON A CHANCE TO SPEAK FIRST. Only then may you take your turn to express whatever other thoughts you had. However, if you can't make all the points you wanted to say IN 3 TO 5 SENTENCES, then you had better wait for another day (Otherwise, the person will begin avoiding you, because he knows he won't be able to get away from you once you get started).
7) If someone gives signals, or actually verbalizes the fact, that they want to end the conversation, STOP TALKING IMMEDIATELY! If you don't they will need to avoid conversations with you in the future.
8) Just because you happen to be talking to someone else who also talks too much, don't take it as a license to disregard all these rules and do the same thing; because you backslide into your old ways.
9) If the other person has already talked too much, SKIP YOUR TURN (especially if you are at work)! DON'T MAKE ANY ADDITIONAL POINTS when talking to a fellow TALKAHOLIC, because anything you say will just prolong the conversation indefinitely.
10) If you have a co-worker who also talks too much, REDUCE THE NUMBER OF NON-WORK RELATED CONVERSATIONS YOU INITIATE with this person to only one per week.
Did anyone notice this topic is over four years old with consistant hits throughout?
I too am an ADHD, excited to talk, story telling person, who can roll like that for as much time as there is available on whatever occasion. I too feel badly later and resolve to change, but then get excited all over at whatever is going on, and we're back again. I do so love to be with others who are like me. Sadly there aren't enough for a good time all the time. The other, not so much talkers, are nice enough, but, yawn. They make me uncomfortable, I guess. What are we supposed to do; sit there and twirl our thumbs? It's real hard for me to do small talk like the weather, how was my day, how am I feeling. I'd rather have a beating! This is usually all the quiet ones want to talk about and they aren't really having fun themselves either!
OK, I've learned to shut up at work. After all, you want to give them their money's worth.
Away from work and when I'm with the quiet ones, I nod about their weather, and try to get them to talk by asking them questions. A good question is, "When was the last time you ate a pear?" It's hard sometimes. When I do manage to bring them out, and this is really even harder; I have to continue to ask them questions and listen to everything without stepping in. If I do step in with my own stuff, they will clam up again, because that's how they are.
Summary: Non talkers get only nods, questions, and listening. Talkers get what they give and it's party time. If they don't stop to let you share, say, "Hey, I need to share here!" Maybe they'll let you. I will let you.
Finally, what I've noticed about all the talkative responders, except one, (you know who you are), is that, judging by your comments about yourselves, you have to be really nice people, and that's a good thing.
I have found the best method is to limit contact with others- time alone is good and it allows you take time to look after yourself a little more...and time by yourself is really what is needed.
I talk excessively when I am stressing out. I find others- especially non ADHD/Dyslexics are often boring and non artistic and usually have nothing of interest to say whether you talk excessively or not. Another factor is quite possible that we become stressed in company when no one talks and so we make up for the other non talker!
I keep busy with music and even wear headphones to deter others from talking to me now. I find if you look busy others want to do the talking- usually asking you questions- often personal ones
I like the tip about looking in the mirror and talking to yourself- I would take it further and when talking on the telephone look in the mirror and keep a timer on the phone -saves you money as well!
Sometimes I think I talk too much because I lack interest in others to a point that is problematic. I don't think I have anything, tho I don't know, I just think my first thing on the list is that I must practice being interested in what other people say. In any case, I think the solutions must be ones that are "others" oriented, rather than simply one more way to pay attention to myself. I found several on this page that I think will be VERY helpful. Some of you have already done a lot of the footwork - that will be helpful. Too the person that I seem to be "replying to", I'm not very good with the computer so I apologize that this answer was not directed specifically to you. I do want to say, however, that for me, being alone is a huge part of my problem with talking too much. I do it, I think, because I am terribly lonely. But in any case, I think it is simply a new problem to cut oneself off from the world with music and headphones, etc. We will, no doubt, bring the "problem" (myself) along to my next conversation anyway! haha! I hope this isn't an example of my having talked just a little too long again.........Good luck, everyone!
1) A counselor once told me (to my great amazement) my turn in a conversation is only 3 to 5 sentences.
2) I post acronyms on my work computer and in my car saying things like: IYTTM (EOT), TNPAWWSYF. That stands for: If you talk too much (even one time), the nice people at work will shun you forever. If I read the acronyms daily, I don't forget what they stand for; and, more importantly, I don't forget to do them.
3) I keep a work diary on my computer at home which is just as much of a release as talking to a very good friend about work. An added benefit is I have gained valuable insight while writing the diary.
Thanks to everyone who's responded so far. This thread has been helpful for me.
One of the symptoms of my adhd is that I can get overexcited and ramble a lot. It's only recently, however, that this has become a big problem for me. I'm now in graduate school studying philosophy. My tendency to uh...get carried away in expressing my thoughts is always exacerbated in conversations about philosophy. It gets totally out of control, though, during my seminar classes. They're long (about 2.5-3 hours), at the end of the day, participation oriented, intellectually intense and REALLY exciting. As a result, by the end of a class I've lost all self-awareness or rational oversite of my behavior. I can't help but blurt out every half-formed thought in my head. Often, I'm hardly aware of having opened my mouth until I've stopped talking. Most of the time, I manage to say relevant and tolerably coherent things. But sometimes I don't. This has become a major source of embarressment and anxiety for me. It's one thing to make an ass of myself in social situations or in an undergrad course--but this is a highly competitive and semi-professional environment. I can't think of a worse time to lose all control over myself.
I've brainstormed a few strategies for dealing with this, such as trying to get into the habit of writing down comments before I share them, or trying to limit my participation to the first half or so of the class. I might try that rubberband thing a previous poster suggested, if I can figure out how to do it discretely. Most of the things I can think of, however, depend on me remembering to behave in some way or other...and considering how little self-awareness I have at these times (and how much effort the classes themselves take) I worry that I won't be able to implement them. I don't think it's a problem with medication, either. I think I need something external, even if its small, just to trigger a moment of self-consciousness before I speak. Any suggestions?
This can be done descretely... i bite the inside of my lip ... it sounds odd, but it helps. After every sentence is an interesting experiment. Beware of giving yourself a swollen lip :)
Man I can relate with everyone here. I have no answers, but I would like to add to your comment that while as a chatty guy, I want to stop dominating conversations and irratating those in my social circle, but at the same time, by consciously attempting to thwart my natural instinct to talk, I lose a bit of myself. I am who I am, isn't that Popeye's ol' mantra? I am not saying that I don't understand that after a long period of changing the way I act around people over time wont eventually become a natural feeling, but I have had many people in my life tell me they appreciate the way I speak from the heart, that I speak honestly and without prejudice. While this is mostly because I have no checks and balances on my thoughts, it has benefited me many times when I needed to be honest or say something most would hold back for fear of judgement or hurting someones feelings, most of the time it gets me in trouble. Add alcohol to that fire and it becomes a raging inferno of embarassment. I do believe that I want to be myself, but what I feel needs to happen is work on using my inner-monologue more often. The fact is, people my entire life have been telling me I need to think before I speak. But I am an audible learner...when I am alone, I speak out loud in order to hear my thoughts and sort through them. It's a hard habit to break, and many have caught me talking to myelf. The practice has lead me to the point where I rarely spend the time to listen to what I say before it leaves my brain on the red-eye for my mouth. What's worse is when I am having a conversation, I have too much trouble balancing both sides at the same time. It's very difficult for me to listen to what the other person is saying while at the same time remembering my thoughts on the topic. So, either when it comes to my turn to speak I forget what I have to say and bring to discussion to a halt, or I interject rudely without realizing and not allow the other speaker to express themselves. It's complete crazy-town when I end up in a coversation with someone exactly like me. Nothing ever gets said.
I wish I had advice for you. Outside saying that you should start with accepting yourself and who you are right now. Apologize for interupting someone, but never apologize for your flaws. Simply work on them. Make progress. I understand the want for an external source to remind you to be an active listener, but it seems to me things would be easier if you found a friend to spend time practicing having conversations, correcting you when you falter, and acknowledging your successes. Just like you would practice for a basketball game. Maybe even scoring yourself after coversations for a while. Maybe not literally on a piece of paper, but just in your head. Try to beat your score next time, make a real game out of it.
To add, sometimes people are just jerks. I have met many people who find my constant chatter charming. I know myself, and I know that I am not simply talking to hear the sound of my amazing voice; I have ADHD, and I have struggled nearly every day of my life with feeling bad about how I make other people uncomfortable because of it. At this point in my life I plan to work hard at being a better listener, but I am going to keep talking because that is a part of who I am. Their problems is exactly that: their problem.
WOW Thank you everyone! I thought it was just me. Every day I get up and I kick myself because I try to be quiet or not talk to much and I never succeed. I work in an office with a more reserved person and I talk way more than she does. Sometimes I feel so stupid or like maybe I am getting on her nerves. When I am quiet ,people are like,"Is something wrong?" I just cannot help myself, I think it is important to think before I speak, and that is what my focus is JUST THAT. I am an intelligent young woman and I have a charm like no other. When I ride the city bus,I don't talk, so why can't I be like that at work? Well just some thoughts...here I am rambling on..I am just glad that I am not the only one that has this "problem".Thanks and good luck to all!
OH my goodness, I am glad that I came across this comment! I can really relate to what you are saying here. I am in college as a philosophy major, and I have struggled so much with precisely what you describe here. The discussions are just so exciting and I find myself absolutely brimming with those half-formed ideas and my mind is just tripping over and over itself and... well yes. The result is that I sound like an utter narcissistic fool. And I agree with you- something external is necessary. If the problem is IN my head in the first place, I doubt the best solution is going to be there too... at least not at first. I think the rubber band thing has helped me. And then I've also considered giving myself a word limit per day, or per class. Or a comment limit. I will NOT allow myself to comment more than X number of times, or I can only say X number of words. This obviously forces you to be more deliberate in your speech and to really choose carefully what you want most to express. Of course, I usually forget about the limit, or talk without really even being fully aware of it. So I guess it's just a struggle that you've got to manage over time with lots of self-discipline. Best of luck! But even if you can't "fix" the problem, that's ok. Philosophers are aloud to be a bit eccentric. ;)
I was so relieved to see that I was not alone. I, too, have this problem and it is not improving, despite my efforts. It seems to have only gotten worse. I now am having trouble at work. I am a 40 year old woman who has always struggled with self esteem issues and this is not helping. I am mortified.
Dialogue is a discipline. There are rules. If you have something to say, say it in one correctly spoken sentence. No ahs, you know, like, ummm. Think the thought and picture the sentence. "I really enjoyed the movie Somewhere beyond the Pines." Shut up. Wait for a response. If they didn't see it. Drop it. If they did and they agree with you. Ask them what they liked. Don't vomit out what you liked. Show interest in what the others have to say. Rule One: Be brief, and speak grammatically correct sentences. Rule Two: listen to others closely. Don't formulate your next sentence. Listen. Think. Express a thought if you have one. If not. Shut up. Do not recount your day. Do not tell anyone what you did this morning, or what you plan to do six months from today, or one minute from now. No one is interested. Listen. Ask them how they are. Listen. If you disagree. Shut up. Most people can't think. Speak in cliches. Don't care what you have to say. Friendliness is being able to listen, and when you speak, be brief, and say something you truly feel. Otherwise. Shut up. Never talk to anyone on the phone for more than a minute. Phones are inanimate objects and no one listens or hears what you say. Use the phone to set up times to meet, invitations, telling your Mom you are fine and will be home at such and such an hour. People speak face to face. Phones are data machines. So if you have no data, but just want to bore someone to death, call the operator. Never interrupt. Never talk over someone BY GETTING LOUDER. This is rudeness. No one will like you. And no one will answer your call. Sweet, or funny, correct english-buy a grammar primer and learn it if you don't know what it means, and above all, never express a thought face to face for more than 15 seconds. Then let others speak. Then find an opening and respond. It is called polite conversation. Anything else is mental illness. It is hard to do. Just do it.
Try setting a time limit on talking. Use a watch, and stop talking after the set time. It works.
I spent almost two hours listening to my friend talk today. I finally decided to sort through some papers I needed to shred. I realized I was missing some of what she said as I'd got preoccupied with what I was doing. I have also polished silverware and typed a letter during her monologues. I have known this friend for 52 years and still haven't gotten up the courage to discuss this problem with her. I rarely call her unless I know I have an unlimited amount of time and patience. She knows she has ADHD. She calls me frequently. My husband has learned to pretend it is time for dinner or something to help me end the conversation. I can barely get a word in edgewise. If I do mention something about my life, she usually brings the subject quickly back to herself. So then I think, is she narcissistic? But I know she isn't. She is kind and thoughtful, intelligent and has a good sense of humor. My question to all of you is - how do I deal with this?? I am afraid if I "confront" her she'll be paranoid from now on in terms of talking with me. Or that I will simply hurt her feelings. Would you want an old friend to tell you this after all these years? If so, how should I put it? I don't want to end the relationship but sometimes I feel like screaming! Thanks!
I like the statement re: making your point in 3 - 5 sentences or "bagging it" for another time. Gonna try it.
Will add the "relevance" concept brought up by another poster. Thx all.
i try clay and mold. it helps me
bytheway i have adhd. i am jic member. i talk and talk every one asks me to stop so i get my clay and mold (if i have time)
I am going to go out today and purchase myself an opal ring. I will always wear it. To remind myself whenever I see it to be mindful of how much I'm speaking. Not sure if it will work for you but definately worth a shot.
I'm 19 and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I had a huge problem with that but I found that it could be helped. I don't know if what worked for me would work well for everyone but it is worth a try, nothing extreme.
Being conscious of the fact that you are talking too much is the first step.Try to remember that you are prone to do so and not notice when the other person is trying to talk. The more you remain aware and get used to seeing when the other person wants to talk, the easier and more natural it will become.
If you see that they want to talk and have an idea to finish, either find a way to finish it quickly which will give you an ending to achieve and stop rambling, or finish your sentence and think about the thought you need to finish for a moment so you remember it, and then let the other person speak. When they have said their bit, continue with your idea.
If I interrupted and noticed, I would stop, apoligize, and let them continue, reprimanding myself mentally which helps drive home the point so I will remember to be careful about interrupting naturally. Just like with any memory thinking about it for a second helps make it easier to remember in the future.
If I had something to say that I was thinking about and that was keeping my attention from someone talking to me, if I noticed it happening, I would think about what the topic I was going to talk about was so that I would remember it and then I would set it aside in my mind while the other person finished their bit, listening to it. Then, when convenient I would try to remember what I was going to say which sometimes took time to do but my memories almost always would come through.
With practice, this made me a much better listener and I had better conversations.
One alternative though is talking to someone else who is on your level with the ADHD. It makes for awesome conversations!!