Jacinta,

After reading all of your posts, I think I better understand what happened and how you're feeling. 

My parents were nice people who met my basic needs growing up but were otherwise neglectful. They provided me shelter and the things I needed to go to school, participate in after school activities, and have friends, but that was it. They were very hands off. They met my basic physical needs but there wasn't much of a relationship. I had no one to celebrate with, no one to sort through my problems with. No one to share my day with.

They lived on their side of the house, and my brother and I lived on our side of the house. We didn't even eat meals together. They were neglectful. And they each, in there own way, did some things that were innappropriate and damaging. So while I wasn't abused, I was neglected and at times received poor guidance from them.

I grew into a young adult who wasn't fully prepared for adult life. Nor did friendships come easily for me. But I lucked out in that I met a man when I was 18 who was ten years older than me, and we married. He, unlike my parents, was very nurturing. He unconditionally loved me and I gained a lot of ground in those first ten years.

But not enough. I was a fun step-parent to his two young children, but I struggled off and on in college and in the part-time jobs I picked up here and there. I didn't have any close friends, though I did have many acquaintances. By the time I reached the age of 29, I felt like a complete failure. That's when my father passed away and I came into enough money to see a psychologist for the purpose of figuring out what was wrong with me.

Not surprisingly, as it turns out, I did have quite a few problems. After a lot of testing, it was determined that I had attention, learning, and memory problems in addition to an anxiety disorder...[sigh]...

I got counseling for the second time, and for the second time it was not helpful. The first counselor who was going through a divorce with her husband blamed all my problems on husband. The second counselor who had a difficult relationship with her father blamed all my problems on my father. I also saw a psychiatrist who treated my AD/HD with stimulant medication.

Things got a little bit better, but I felt there were still so many missing pieces, and I didn't even know what they were or where to find them. It was a deeply frustrating time for me. And while I had a great husband, how I wished for one good girl friend who could have helped me sort it all out!

When I learned about my AD/HD I dove in and learned everything I could about it. I participated in an online support group for ADD adults on Prodigy, similar to http://www.addforums.com today. I learned through the two Adult ADD newsletters I subscribed to that comminity-based support groups for ADD adults were beginning to pop up around the country. I learn best through immersion, so after yet another small set back in my life, I decided to start a support group for ADD adults, and the founder of the local support group for depression and bipolar disorder helped me prepare for my first meeting. A new counselor in town teamed with me in the early months and together, we got the group launched.

That was the beginning of my new life. And it can happen for you too.

During my years of participation in the support group that I founded and led, we met twice a month. One meeting was a lecture meeting, the other a support meeting. We had every professional imaginable come in and talk with our group on a variety of topics. It was there that I began to figure out what those missing puzzle pieces were! And through that group, I found a really good counselor - (finally!) - and a really good psychiatrist - (not the first one). A support group member told me about Stephen Covey and his book which I listened to on tape, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. That book changed my life. I learned relationship skills beginning with a book study group on boundaries - (that was a HUGE piece for me); social skills; work relationship skills, etc. I began to develop friendships and had a few friends that came much close to being close girl friends. Eight years after founding the support group, I turned over the group to new group leaders and got my first real job. And I haven't looked back.  

I'm willing to bet the pain you are feeling right now isn't really about your former teacher, rather it's the same pain I was feeling when I didn't know what the missing pieces were and I didn't know where to begin...

If that's where you are right now, and you can be more specific, I might be able to guide you to some online resources, books, and perhaps some community-based support groups where you can begin the process I began for myself twenty years ago.

Am I close? Or am I way off?

Let me know...

grandma lise

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Hi Grandma Lise

Thank you so much for your reply. What you’ve said is very close to my situation. My parents did provide me with everything I wanted and needed and loved us alot but they were never there for us emotionally. like you, I had a different life and my parents were'nt in it, I had my friends and all my hobbies and when I came home, I stayed in my room on my own. I find it too hard now to start a relationship with my mother because I never had one and in a way, I feel like I don't want one with her just one with someone else, or for someone else to be like a mother to me. My Mam suffers from depression and has as far as I can remember and my Dad is one of those men who would do anything to avoid talking about feelings or anything personal like that and now that’s the way I am, but, I seem to crave that closeness with someone else. I’ve only just realized my tendency for this when I started talking to that counselor but the more I think about it, I have always been the same, I’ve always craved to be close to older women and motherly figures in my life,  especially when I was in seconday school with other teachers, but as soon as someone would show an interest, I would just back away again. I am fortunate in the way that I have lots of friends and always have and I also started going out with my boyfriend when I was eighteen and that was a couple of years ago and he’s six years older than me so he’s mature and there for me as with all my friends but I still feel that I can’t confide in anyone, I don’t like talking about personal things especially feelings even though they all do with me. This got me into a mess before and I had something bad happen to me which I told noone about untill recently with that counselor. I would really appreciate if you could recommend something that might help. If I could stop fanticizing about this counselor and never want inapropiately for someone like that again, It would really make a difference. I might have missen out on a motherly bond in my life but I have a partner and lots of friends and I don’t think It should be affecting me now or at least I don’t want it to.

Thank you again, 

Hey Jacinta,

Good to hear back from you. No immediate answer comes to mind. I'll get back to you tomorrow after I've gotten some sleep and have had time to think about this some more. 

grandma lise

Hey Jacinta,

I don't have an answer for you. But I do have some ideas...

I've experienced what you refer to as transference in varying degrees a couple of times. Within the context of AD/HD and for me personally - (I'm talking about me here, not you) - I think of it as a form of hyperfocus complicated by my difficulty with trusting and experiencing closeness in my relationships, probably because I never experienced that level of intimacy with my parents.

Transference only happened to me with therapists that I liked and trusted. I dealt with it by ignoring it and refocusing my attention on what I wanted from the therapy. Each therapist helped me somewhat but with different issues. I never brought up or discussed the transference issue. Perhaps I should have, and perhaps I will at some point in the future.

Complicating my therapy was that I always had a dual relationship with all of my therapists because I lead and facilitated the adult AD/HD support group in our community. Now that I no longer do that, I might benefit more from therapy.

I do understand your resistance to seeing a therapist. While some people luck out and find a good therapist who is a good match for their needs the first time, that typically is not the case. Often, it's more a process of seeing many therapists over many years, and in the process, slowly piecing together what you need and getting those needs met. 

But I've always done more than that. I read books on the subject of self-help, but not just any book. I'm very discriminating. I've said it here many times, but the book that has had the most powerful influence on me was The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. (I didn't read it by the way, I listened to it in lecture form). I find good books by researching and reading book reviews on Amazon.

All that said, is it worth it to seek out a good therapist? To that I would say yes. Why? Because if you're lucky, they're still there when you hit a bump in the road and you can see them again on a temporary basis. Sometimes just remembering things they told you during your therapy is enough to get you through the rough spots.

What I like about having a good therapist is that everything you tell them is held in confidence so you don't have to worry about them betraying your confidences. The other good thing is that because you are paying them, the relationship is equal in that sense. You pay them to listen to you for the purpose of gaining insight and skills.

I'm assuming you are AD/HD. If you are, it's really important that you find a therapist who is specialized in working with AD/HD adults. Why? Because traditional therapy in which you resolve your problems through being actively listened to alone does not work for AD/HD adults. We need a therapist who both actively listens to us and is able to catch insights and skills that we are missing, particularly as it relates to our AD/HD. Without that, therapy is only minimally helpful for AD/HD adults.

One other thing I should clarify. I'm confident that your former teacher who took an interest in you and was willing to listen to you when you re-established contact with her is a kind, caring, and compassionate person, but she's not a trained therapist. It's important to remember that and understand that she can probably only help you so much, and you'll probably benefit more by finding a good therapist.

I also want to share that as I've gotten older and my friends have gotten older, we've gotten better at supporting one another. My friends have also changed and evolved over time. Many of my friends today are women who, like me, had imperfect childhoods, but have made a lot of progress through working with therapists, attending self-help lectures and reading self-help books. It's usually a mix of doing those things and having good friends that helps us the most.

I hope this has been helpful to you.

grandma lise

One more thing came to mind as I was cooking breakfast. My mother also suffered from depression, though mild, throughout her childhood and her marriage to my father. About the time I met and married my husband, she divorced my father, learned about her AD/HD, continued doing the things she enjoys and is happy now. It wasn't until this happened that we began to have a relationship. I think the lesson in our posts is the importance of addressing problems as they occur as both individuals and as parents so we can be present and available for our children. 

Lisa

and to that I'd add, so we can be present and available for ourselves, our partner, our family, and our friends...

My biggest regret in life is having allowed problems to stack up in my personal life these last 30 years. While I recognize it takes time, I wish I'd worked harder on my problems, and less on other people's problems. Both are important, but there needs to be a balance. In the past, I overly focused on the needs of those in my community over those of my family. I've been in the process of changing that for about two years now. And I've made a lot of progress.

What led to this shif in thinking?

Over a three year period, I had a ridiculous number of friends and acquaintances develop serious, life threatening illnesses...cancer. These experiences brought me to my knees. For the first time in my life, I could help, but regardless of how many resources I found, some died, some got better. It was a humbling, life changing experience. I really got for the first time that my time here is limited, that relationships are all that matters, and that I've got some serious living to do with my family and friends before I die.

Wish I'd known that a long time ago (and had saved for retirement...[sigh]...). 

If you email me here, and can be more specific as to what you want to work on right now, I'll give you what resources I know. A question that I typically ask when AD/HD adults call me is "How do you want your life to be different after you seek help for your current issues?"

grandma lise

Thank you so much again for your reply. I am definately going to think about therapy, even that teacher told me not to leave anything on the long finger in the future and to address problems and this seems like something that I'm going to need to address. You were really good to be able to ignore your transference problems, that is what I would like to do, but seen as it's being going on for my whole life I feel like im stuck in a pattern now. I wonder if i see a therapist, would it be enough just to talk about this and would I have to mention what I was talking to the other counselor about, cause don't want to go back to that topic again. I will also have a look at that book you reccomended and see if it will work for me. Thanks again for your help.  

Hey Jacinta,

My sense, though I certainly could be wrong about this, is that the transference issue is a symptom of a more core issue.

I'm cleaning out my in basket at work and came across a pamphlet on a therapy that a therapist here in town sent me last year. I like her. She does good work.

This therapy might be a less threatening and a good starting point for you because it is skill based. It's "Emotional Brain Training: A Scientfic Solution To Stress". To learn more about it, explore the website at www.EBT.org. If it looks interesting, might be worth reading the book Wired for Joy by Laurel Mellien, Ph.D. A lot of times, reading the book is all you need. But if you want to learn the method in a group setting, groups are offered through the website for a fee. 

Right now, I'm reading the book The Resiliency Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life's Hurdles by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte. This is the second book I've read on resiliency. It's really helped me.

All that said, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey is a good foundational book.

Another AD/HD discussion forum is www.addforums.com

My hope is that you will find helpful one or more of these resources.

Good luck to you,

grandma lise

Oops, forgot to tell you how to find a therapist specialized in treating AD/HD.

If you can find a local adult or parent AD/HD support group, they in turn can refer you to a listing of mental health providers specialized in treating AD/HD. To find such a group, do a search on "adhd support [your city and state]". If that doesn't work, go to www.chadd.org and look up the chapter closest to you in your state. If that doesn't work, go to www.nami.org and look up the NAMI office closest to you in your state. They also maintain a directory of mental health providers and often a description of their services.

Once you have a list of therapists specialized in treating AD/HD, call and ask how long they've worked with AD/HD adults and how they can be helpful. Be prepared to tell them what you're looking for help with from the therapist if you know. If not tell them you're not sure what you want, and simply that you're feeling "stuck". That's a fine starting point. In fact, that's the main reason most AD/HD adults contact me.

Let me know if you feel I haven't answer your questions, or if I can be of further assistance.

grandma lise

Thanks a million for that reply, I got excited there when you said that often reading is enough because I would love to solve everything that way ha but I will def start my reading now and then think about therapy later if there is no improvement. Thank you so much for taking the time. I'm always amazed at how people especially strangers are willing to help like this. Good luck with everything.

Thanks again