Hi Anna,

I'm so sorry to hear of your daughter's situation and the stress it is causing her...and you.

There are a number of things to consider here. First and foremost is how to help your daughter feel successful in college. By simply allowing her to return to the same college after having struggled and failed, simply does not make sense. However, by not allowing for any discussion on the matter will only make things more difficult for both of you.

It would be best to first discuss with her why she thinks she did not do well and how things would be different if she were to return. Are her answers logical? Would her plans work? My guess is...probably not. From what you're describing, her ADHD symptoms are still out of control. Still, it would be important to have some rational discussions by suggesting they begin as a way to understand what happened and what you two can do about it.

Once the issues are "on the table", you can assess whether her responses and plan of action will work or not. From what I can gather from the information you shared, it sounds to me like there are not enough safety nets set up so that she can succeed. The last thing she needs now is another failure.

Since you are the parent, you can decide whether you will spend money to send her into a setting where you feel might not be healthy for her. Explain to her that it's your job to help her make good life decisions, and that you understand why she wants to return. Kids have a hard time thinking into the future. Your daughter might have a hard time seeing herself in a local college and THEN possibly returning to her school.

If she is still dead-set and cannot be swayed, I would suggest that she help with paying the college tuition and/or living expenses and allow her to give it a try. But that, to me, would be a last resort choice.

Instead, here's what I would suggest:

1. Start with a family meeting. Set the tone- that this is to look at the problems and discuss solutions and options. Try and go into this as equal partners. Remember, though, that most young people with ADHD are typically about 1/3 less mature than their peers. This may not be the case with your daughter, but this is often what we see. Acknowledge her sense of loss and remind her of her strengths. List the pros and cons of returning to this particular college VS other plans, ie a less competitive school, even if it's a temporary solution.

2. I totally agree with you that until certain things are in place, she is possibly set up for more failure. The fact that her meds haven't been optimized is certainly an important clue. You might want to re-frame this for her so she can understand it better. For example, you could ask her what she would do if she had a physical disability, was confined to a wheelchair and yet had classes that were in a building with no elevator. What would be the best way to proceed?

Similarly, someone struggling with ADHD who isn't getting adequate help for it, should not be expected to handle the rigors of college life until all the proper supports are in place.

3. Discuss with her physician what his/her opinion on all of this is. I sense that the therapist has aligned herself with your daughter- which makes sense if they have a good therapeutic relationship- but...it sounds like she is not seeing the big picture. Yes, young people need to make life decisions and learn from their mistakes, but in this situation, your daughter is dealing with a real disability and if she continues to fail, it will affect her confidence and self-esteem. I would insist on family sessions unless you feel that this therapist is too rigid in her thinking. In which case, I would consult with another therapist- for YOU- in order to best help your daughter. It is imperative, in my opinion, to find someone who truly understands ADHD and how it impacts young people. You really do need more guidance than what I can provide here.

4. For a student with ADHD to begin college where there are no or few supports set up is like educational suicide. Students with ADHD are covered under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) which means she's probably eligible for all kinds of support at school. If the plan IS to return to this school, she absolutely must first visit the school's disability's office and request services. Such supports can include a note taker, longer time taking tests, etc.

5. I sense that your daughter still might need help with certain skills, ie organizational, good study habits, etc. Explain to her that you are both on the same page; you want her to succeed. But in order to do so, she'll need some extra help in gaining these skills. Whichever school she decides to attend, see if the disability office has staff to help her with these difficulties. If not, look for tutors or professionals who can help her. One way to find ADHD experts is by contacting CHADD to find the chapter closest to you: www.chadd.org or 800-233-4050.

In summary, I believe you are right in having the concerns you shared here. Your daughter needs systems and her meds in place before considering returning to this school, or any school at this point. Since you are not getting support from her therapist, I would consult with someone else to help you help your daughter. Without the proper support, she is likely to face the exact same problems and again experience more failure. And that's the last thing she needs right now.

For more information, read our article here titled Self-Advocacy in High School and College

I hope you find this helpful-

Terry Matlen, ACSW

Anna

Wow, I am not sure that I can really add much to Terry's answer. It is quite thorough and contains a great deal of great information.

As a parent, however, I agree with you. Your daughter must find a way to get her depression and ADHD under some type of control. I have told my son many times, first, it is important to learn to control your (ADHD and Bipolar in his case) instead of letting it control you. Once you have accomplished that (and that is a LARGE accomplishment) then you will be more able to overcome the obstacles that life sends your way.

This is very difficult. Please also keep in mind that children and adolescents with ADHD are often immature for their age, sometimes by several years. So although your daughter may be a certain age chronologically, she may not be emotionally. She is therefore living expecting to be able to do the things that other people her chronological age can do. This may not be possible for her yet, but with time and work, it is very possible.

Taking time to get her to this point is a good move, but, unfortunately, as our children grow up, we don't always have the final say, they reach an age where they are able to do what they want (but must be financially able to do so).

It is a hard and difficult decision. Let your daughter know that you love her and want what is best for her. Set some goals for how she needs to do at a local college and what expectations you would like to see before financially making an obligation to have her attend college away from home again.

I hope this helps.

Eileen