Is "tough love" an acceptable approach for an adult child with ADD / ADHD?
Our son, who is 22, was diagnosed with ADD / ADHD in elementary school. At the time of H.S. graduation, he was on Ritalin, Risperdal (for anger management) and Wellbutrin (for depression). He was working part time and doing well with budgeting his money. Over time, he stopped taking his medication, got fired from several jobs, ruined two vehicles by failing to maintain them, failed two semesters at community college and has been charged with several misdemeanors. Currently, he has not worked in several months and spends most of his time skateboarding. We have tried everything we know: We got him back on meds, only to find out that he was only pretending to take them. He agreed to counseling but then refused to make an appointment. He was accepted into vocational school but then failed the drug screen (marijuana). He refuses to actively look for a job. We now require him to be out of the house from 9 - 6 on weekdays in hopes that making his life less comfortable will motivate him to seek work. So far, it has had no impact. We have told him that we are thinking about giving him a deadline by which he has to have a job, join the military or move out. (We moved him out twice before but he was back in 1-2 weeks, making promises which he did not keep.) Is it heartless to force him to move out again, even though he will be homeless? What other options do we have? We do not want to totally support an adult child for the rest of our lives (or even for another year).
Reading your post was heart breaking for me. I've seen this scenario unfold before. I want you to know that help is available if you choose to seek it out.
The national organization, Tough Love, disbanded a number of years ago - (the founders could no longer personally fund the organization) - so there no longer is adequate support in place for you to utilize this method.
I encourage you to seek out the expertise and guidance of a psychologist specialized in working with young adults with AD/HD with or without your son's involvement.
I currently am supporting two families in similar circumstances - (I would never attempt to do this through the internet or by phone). Progress has been slow but it's happening. Anger levels are much lower and hope has been restored.
If the first therapist doesn't work, try another and another until you find one that is effective. Instead of giving up, please, consider getting expert guidance and support in place.
Grandma Lise
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Dear Frustrated Parent
You could have been writing my story. It all sounds too familiar and I know how very frustrated and desperate you feel. I know exactly what you are going through. I faced the same decisions you face. My son is now 23 years old. About six months ago, he chose to accept treatment and has been doing well since then.
There are a few articles on the site that may be of interest to you:
When Teens With ADHD are Defiant
Adult Children with ADD Living at Home
Please know that you are not alone. No one can tell you the right decision to make for your family. You must make decisions based not only on what is best for your son, but also what you can live with. You must be able to look in the mirror each morning and know that you did what you thought best and be able to stick with the decision. Changing your mind or bringing your son back into the home without him proving that he has made changes ends up being more difficult for everyone. (Trust me, I know).
In the end, my son went to live with his grandparents and when faced with the choice of receiving treatment or living on the street, he chose treatment.
I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best. Please let us know what is going on and how you are managing. The Share Posts here are a great place to vent and share your story and receive support from people in similar situations or from those that may have gone through situations like your in the past. Please consider joining our community. Although we cannot always give you the answers, we can support you in your quest to find what is best for you and your family.
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