Is "tough love" an acceptable approach for an adult child with ADD / ADHD?
Our son, who is 22, was diagnosed with ADD / ADHD in elementary school. At the time of H.S. graduation, he was on Ritalin, Risperdal (for anger management) and Wellbutrin (for depression). He was working part time and doing well with budgeting his money. Over time, he stopped taking his medication, got fired from several jobs, ruined two vehicles by failing to maintain them, failed two semesters at community college and has been charged with several misdemeanors. Currently, he has not worked in several months and spends most of his time skateboarding. We have tried everything we know: We got him back on meds, only to find out that he was only pretending to take them. He agreed to counseling but then refused to make an appointment. He was accepted into vocational school but then failed the drug screen (marijuana). He refuses to actively look for a job. We now require him to be out of the house from 9 - 6 on weekdays in hopes that making his life less comfortable will motivate him to seek work. So far, it has had no impact. We have told him that we are thinking about giving him a deadline by which he has to have a job, join the military or move out. (We moved him out twice before but he was back in 1-2 weeks, making promises which he did not keep.) Is it heartless to force him to move out again, even though he will be homeless? What other options do we have? We do not want to totally support an adult child for the rest of our lives (or even for another year).
Reading your post was heart breaking for me. I've seen this scenario unfold before. I want you to know that help is available if you choose to seek it out.
The national organization, Tough Love, disbanded a number of years ago - (the founders could no longer personally fund the organization) - so there no longer is adequate support in place for you to utilize this method.
I encourage you to seek out the expertise and guidance of a psychologist specialized in working with young adults with AD/HD with or without your son's involvement.
I currently am supporting two families in similar circumstances - (I would never attempt to do this through the internet or by phone). Progress has been slow but it's happening. Anger levels are much lower and hope has been restored.
If the first therapist doesn't work, try another and another until you find one that is effective. Instead of giving up, please, consider getting expert guidance and support in place.
Grandma Lise
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Dear Frustrated Parent
You could have been writing my story. It all sounds too familiar and I know how very frustrated and desperate you feel. I know exactly what you are going through. I faced the same decisions you face. My son is now 23 years old. About six months ago, he chose to accept treatment and has been doing well since then.
There are a few articles on the site that may be of interest to you:
When Teens With ADHD are Defiant
Adult Children with ADD Living at Home
Please know that you are not alone. No one can tell you the right decision to make for your family. You must make decisions based not only on what is best for your son, but also what you can live with. You must be able to look in the mirror each morning and know that you did what you thought best and be able to stick with the decision. Changing your mind or bringing your son back into the home without him proving that he has made changes ends up being more difficult for everyone. (Trust me, I know).
In the end, my son went to live with his grandparents and when faced with the choice of receiving treatment or living on the street, he chose treatment.
I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best. Please let us know what is going on and how you are managing. The Share Posts here are a great place to vent and share your story and receive support from people in similar situations or from those that may have gone through situations like your in the past. Please consider joining our community. Although we cannot always give you the answers, we can support you in your quest to find what is best for you and your family.
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I have 5 sons and 1 daughter. My oldest son sounds very similar to yours. My husband and I have tried every avenue available and nothing ever changed with the lies,drug use,college and total family upset. I am a Christian and always felt that I couldn't kick my son out on the street....asked myself always..What would Christ do? I felt that we had taught our son to fish over and over...and he refused to change...he wanted everything given to him and he felt that as parents that we owed it to him. We packed his things up and sent him on his way. We stopped paying for his car insurance, car payments that he could not make and his cell phone. I hurt daily knowing that he is living in some dive with friends...but...when he lived with us..WE ALL HURT DAILY!
Let your son know that you love him and that you have over exhausted yourselves with the efforts to help him and that now he is on his own. Send him packin! What he makes of his self and his life is up to him now.
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Heartbroken
Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 04:20 PM
I am a single Christian mother also, two of the kids are still at home. I have been recovering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My son who is 21 has been in some trouble with the law a few times, smokes pot and may do other, has no car, quit his job, no cell phone. I threw him out a few months ago because I couldn't take his violent outbursts, got an Order of Protection. He was living on the street and looked terrible,(where were all his friends?) I was crying everyday and couldn't sleep wondering about him. After a few weeks his exgirlfriend's mother took him in and called me to ask what kind of mother I was. Well after a week, she threw him out because he wasn't do anything all day. I thought when I was going to get him, I was giving him a ride somewhere, not take him back home with all his bags. That is what happened and I felt pushed into something I wasnted to happen but not prematurely. Now that he has been home, he hasn't looked for a job, helped me around the house, or done anything else to back up his words that he was going to change his life. He may be depressed a little but got turned down when he went to sign up for the Army because he gotarrested for a little amount of pot recently. He has done, but says it stopped, some criminal activity. I am so upset daily, carrying around such resentment against him and anger I don't know what to do with. It is eating at me and can't focus on the rest of my life. He has no respect for what he has put me through and how he has also upset his sister who is 23 who is home and his other sister who is 26 but not home. I don't know what to do and nothing seems to work. He laughs at my ultimatums and I don't feel up to arguing. Please help. Thanks