Wednesday, June 25, 2008 Vanessa asks

Q: my adhd son is taking a toll on me, i acn not live this way anymore, help!!

MY SON IS 6 YEARS OLD HE HAS BEEN HAVING BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS SINEC THE AGE OF 4. HE WAS ALWAYS THE FIRST TO GET IT IN, THE FIRST TO CALL OUT THE ANSWER IN SCHOOL, HAD A HARD TIME SITTING STILL AND HAS AN ABUNDANCE OF ENERGY. HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD OFICIALY LAST AUGUST, HE WAS TAKING CONCERTA WHIHC DID NOT HELP A WHOLE LOT. IT WAS KIND OF HELFUL IN THE BEGINNING BUT THE SIDE EFFECT OF LOSS OF SLEEP MAD IT NOT WORTH IT...LETS FAST FORWARD TO NOW...HE IS TAKING VYANSE WHIHC DEF. HELPS AND THERE ARE NO SIDE EFFETCS SO FAR, I COULD NOT IMAGINE HOW WILD HE'D BE WITH OUT MEDICINE. I WOULD SAY HE IS AN 9 OUT OF 10 EXTREMELY OUT OF CONTROL AS FAR AS BEHAVIOR GOES. I KEEP MY SON BUSY HE DOES AND LOVES KARATE 2 DAYS A WEEK, THE INSTRUCTOR SAY HE IS NO DIFFERENT IN HIS CLASS AS COMOARED TO OTHER CHILDREN, BUT WITH ME HE IS AT TIME DOWN RIGHT UNBEARABLE.

I AM A SINGE MOM AND THE TRUE DEF. OF A SINGLE MOM, THERE IS AND WILL NEVER BE A DAD IN HIS LIFE, I HAVE DONE IT NYSELF FROM DAY 1, WE MEET WITH BIG BROTHER ASSOCIATION THIS WEEKND FOR THE 1.5 HOUR INTERVIEW PROCESS, MY SON IS VERY EXCITED AT THE THOUGH OF HAVING HIS OWN BUDDY.WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR A YEAR AND A HALF NOW.

LETS GET ON TO BEHAVIOR- HE CONSTANTLY IS WAY TO LOUD LIKE 5 NOTCHES TO LOUD, HE DOES NOT LISTEN FOR SHIT, IAM A BROKEN RECORD REPEATING MY SELF OVER AND OVER. I GIVE MYSELF A MIGRAINE HEARING MY OWN VOICE OVER AND OVER AN OVER. HE GETS SO SNIDE AND FRESH. OH I CAN NO LONGER TAKE HIM TO STORES KNOWING I WILL BE UTTERLY EMBARASED BY HIS OUTBURST. HE IS VERY LOVING , AFFECTIONATE AND DEF. COMPATIONATE. HE HATES TO SEE ME UPSET. EVRYTHING IS A STRUGGLE AND AN ARGUMENT. I AM BY NOMEANS PERFECT. I YELL, HE GETS HIT WHEN NEEDED, AND I CURSE OUT OF FRUSTRATION AND I GREW UP WITH PARENTS WHO USE FOWL LANGUAGE SO I DO NOT SEE A BIG DEAL WITH THAT.

AT TIMES I WOULD LOVE TO GO SIGN PAPERWORK GIVING UP MY RIGHTS TO HIM, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT BUT THE THOUGHT IS THERE. I DO NOT ENJOY LIFE RIGHT NOW, MY STRESS LEVEL IS A 42 ON A SCALE FROM 1-10. I DO NOTLIKE LIFE, I DO NOT LOOK FORWARD TO PICKING HIM UP AFTE RWORK KNOWING THE NEXT 3 HOURS UNTIL BED TIME WILL BE A LIVING HELL. I GET BAD HEADACHES AND THIS ORDEAL IS TAKING A TOLL ON ME MENTALLY.

WHAY I NEED IS GOOD, I REPEAT GOOD ADVICE AS FAR AS DISCIPLINE, I TRIED THE TALK ON HIS LEVEL NOT YELLING, BULLSHIT I DOES NOT WORK. I WOUL DLOVE TO GET INA SUPPORT GROUP BUT TIME IS LIMITED I AM MUCH BUSIER THEN THE AVERAGE PERSON. PLEASE HELP- DON'T JUDGE!!! IF YOU WERE IN MY SHOES LIFE WOULD BE HELL FOR YOU ALSO.

- A
- A
- A

Answers (10)

Heather & Kaleb

6/28/08 10:45am

Saturday June 28th 2008,

Vanessa, Hi my name is Heather, I am also a single mom & have been ever since my son was born so I can completely relate to what u are going thru. I have a 9 in half yr. old son who has ADHD as well & pretty much every behavioral, aggression & anxiety issue that can go along with it. I can completely understand how u say that you can't take it anymore, there's alot of days that i feel the same way cause my son has an extremely abundance amount of energy mixed in w/all the behavioral & aggression issues. He was also diagnosed w/ADHD when he was 4 yrs old but his behavior hadn't been too awful bad & neither was the aggression, then in December of 2006 his behavior & aggression did a 360 for the worse & we ended up starting to see a Psychologist in January of 2007 for every 2 week visits & have been seeing him ever since. Then it went to once a mnth because we also changed from my sons Peds. Doc. prescribing his meds to seeing a Psychiatrist once a mnth to better moniter his meds. In Aug. of 2007 I started taking Wellbutrin to help me deal w/my sons issues a little better & it's helped out alot. Then in Oct. of 2007 I started seeing the same Psychologist on a once a mnth basis for one on ones cause I had just had it & I was about to loose my mind, so now my son only see's the him every other mnth unless lately here he has had to see him once a mnth cause it spiraled again & I wanted to keep on top of things cause as u know as a single mom u have to keep on top of things otherwise they will spiral way out of control, he better now he only had to see him every mnth since March thru June 2008, he talks w/my son by themselves but he talks w/me for the 1st 10 mins. & then w/my son for 30 mins. & then finishes the last 10 mins of the session telling me what they had talked about. We have never skipped a session w/him for either one of us. I don't know if u & your son see one but if not u might want to try it out maybe for a few mnths & see if it helps, cause he has helped me alot w/dealing w/my sons issues associated w/his ADHD. He also introduced me to the Love & Logic CD set called The Life Saver Kit (it has 6 CD's w/the set), that CD set has helped me alot also in dealing w/my son's behavioral & aggression issues. The CD Set gives you ways & ideas to try for just about any situation that you come across in the home or out in the community, it also has some tricks of the trade for teachers. My son started school back when he was 4 for 4 yr. old kindergarten (preschool) & has now just finished 3rd grade, he had been going ot the same school since he started preschool then this past May 1st 2008 I had to transfer him to a different school to finish out his 3rd grade yr of school, cause of a situation @ home. The new school he went didn't even know how to handle him when he went out of control on one of his behavioral or aggression outburst & they had to call me 3 times to come & get him cause of it. The other school where he had been going all along knew exactly how to handle him when he had one of his behavioral or aggression outburst, the Spec. Ed Teacher who was also the ED/BD Teacher would call me & leave me a voicemail on my cell phone telling me about his outburst & she would keep him @ school & in her room until she thought that he was okay to go back to the reg. classroom (my son was in all mainstream classes cause it's a small school there), she also sometimes called me & made him tell me that he was misbehaving & got into trouble depending on how bad the outburst was & if he wanted to talk w/me on the phone & I would always ask him Why are you not being have or listining to his teacher. In Sept. of this year when school starts back up he will be going back to the school where he started when he was in preschool. Well I hop to chat w/you again sometime, if you ever want to converse over email you can email me at my reg. email address which is heatherandk@hotmail.com, so that way we can still keep in touch w/each other & it won't be so public that way. Well I hope I gave you some possible good advise.

danelle

6/25/08 2:27pm

Oh my gosh, reading your story is like reading about my life with my son. Soooooo much the same! I know how irritating they can be! My son interrupts me all the time, would talk constantly if I weren't always telling him to be quiet. I want to be a good parent as I am sure you do too. I don't know how you do it as a single parent? My husband does really well with him. He acts like a different kid when my husband is around because he doesn't tollerate my sons games. Which is great. But this also shows that with consistency, kids with ADHD do respond to discipline. My husband and I have a little yellow plastic rod we call the "switch". Every time our son doesn't listen, which is often, very often, he gets the "switch" on his rear. We use is so as not to have to spank, since that can cause physical damage. We don't use it harshly or out of anger because then you lose your power, but just matter of factly and immediately. Just a little sting on his rear to drive our point home. THis has been pretty effective. But you have to be consistant and patient. Don't feel guilty and not do it. You are his mother not his best friend. It is your job to raise your son to be a good person (Godly) for me, but I don't know if you are a believer. I was a single mother with my son before I met my husband and i know about guilt. ANyway, if you have insurance, I highly recommend you seek out proffessionals who can help you. Psychologists, etc. Also organization is great. I have a chore chart that colton can check off his chores when done and he gets paid .25 for each chore. I also have a daily schedule which helps a lot. ADHD kids do better which a routine. Because they bounce around so much in their head they need as much help as they can get remembering things. A schedule helps that and YOU when your son says, "can i have a snack?" then you can say go look at the schedule and tell me when snack time is. That way it is the same every day and you both know what to expect. THe biggest thing with Colton is that when he gets into those weird moods that I can't stand being around him, I will just say, please go to your room until you can be pleasant to be around, because you are really annoying me with that behavior. I hope this helps. I have other tricks I use, but I don't want to go on and on if this is all you want or need. So I wish you the best! Parenting is hard work! Take care of you too!!!!

Be Blessed,

Danelle

Vanessa

10/12/09 12:48pm

HI DANIELLE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT AND ADVICE. I WROTE THAT HELP COLUM OVER A YEAR AGO AND SINCE THEN MY SON'S BEHAVIOR HAS DEFINATELY IMPROVED. HE HAS HIS COCKY/MOUTHY MOMENTS BUT ALL KIDS DO THAT AT SONE POINT. HE IS NOW 8. HE IS SO PLEASANT IN THE MORNING WHICH IS A BIG CHANGE. MY SON IS VERY MONEY MOTIVATED SO OUR SYSTEM IS IF HE'S GOOD IN THE MORNING & THE EVENING HE GET'S $1.00 PER DAY PAID OUT AFTER 7 DAYS. IT WORKS WELL FOR HIM. HOMEWORK IS BECOMING EASIER ALSO. FOR SECOND GRADE THEY HAVE ALOT. A MATH LESSON VERY NIGHT, A BOOK REPORT BI-WEEKLY, THEN EVERY WEEK THEY HAVE TO DO 50 POINTS WORK OF WORK BASICALLY 1 HARDER ASSIGMENT FOR 50 POINTS OR 2 25 POINTS TO EQUAL 50 POINTS. FOR EXAMPLE ANTHONY HAS TO WRITE 8 QUESTIONS WHERE ONE OF HIS WORDS IS THE ANSWER. I DO CONSTANTLY HAVE TO REMIND HIM TO WRITE NEATER. HE LIKES IT WHEN I RATE HIS WRITING FROM 1-100 B/C IT GIVES HIM INSENTIVE. HE LOVES TO TALK & OFTEN IS STILL LOUD WHEN HE TALKS BUT HEY NOONE IS PERFECT. I WAS AT MY WIT'S END WHEN I PLACED THE INITIAL INFO ON HERE. I HAVE BEEN SEEING A GUY BY THE NAME OF JOHN FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS. I LIKE THAT JOHN DOES NOT LET ANTHONY GET AWAY WITH ANNOYING BEHAVIOR. LIKE JUMPING ON HIS BACK FOR A PIGGY BACK RIDE WITHOUT ASKING. I ALWAYS SAID IF THEY HAD A PILL FOR PATIENCE I WOULD TAKE IT. I DO NOT POSESS ALOT OF PATIENCE. ANY MORE ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE WOULD BE HELPFUL, THANKS FROM VANESSA

ms muddle

6/26/08 11:54pm

I don't think I had as many challenges with my son at that age as you do. But I can definitely relate to many things you spoke about. You really, really need some support, it might be helpful to network with other parents that have ADHD kids. It is hard to get this started though, because how does one approach other parents without disclosing too much or intruding on privacy or whatever??

Yeessss, I had days I wanted to pick him up from day care, afterschool care, camps, etc, as late as possible, just before closing. And when I had time off, I would still utilize the daycare, and I did so, feeling guilty.....thinking all the other moms I knew or worked with or whatever, would cherish having some time one on one with their kid, but not me. I enjoyed the peace and quiet.

You said, you are a single parent, that makes it even harder.

Tae kwon do or karate or other martial arts are very good for lots of kids with ADHD, keep him going.

Lots of routine and structure, cannot say enough about how these help.

I could go on and on, but cannot write a book.

You might consider cub scouts too. Whem my son was in scouts, there were times more moms were there, other times more dads. I found that there were some dads that really worked well with my son.... and also I might add, that there are a lot of

boys in scouts that have ADHD/ADD. The down side (or maybe not a down side for some) is that with scouting at the ages of 6 to about 10, a parent or can be a grandparent or uncle/aunt usually has to be at a lot of the events. Parents were

always reminded that "BSA does not mean Baby Sitters of America." But on the flip side

I found that some of the den mothers or den fathers were more supportive to a single parent in terms of "excusing" them from as much attendance/participation at events and actually helped made sure that that boy did not miss things/events or get left behind on activities when a single parent just unable to be there, due to good reasons like having to work or whatever. Trust me though, when I say there is a lot of ADD/ADHD scouts. And you will find there is at least a few scout/den leaders that have personal experience with it. Again, the down side for you is it may require more of your time that you don't have anymore to give.

Lastly, I must recommend that you have some down time for yourself, I know it is easier said than done, but it will help you de-stress and rejuvenate. And when you feel fresher, you will deal better with him.

My son is now 16 and a half. They go from boys that are balls of energy to lazy, gaming, defiant, moody teenagers. And don't know which is better or worse.

But please, don't neglect yourself for all of his needs.

Hope this helps.

6/28/08 11:55pm

hi... hang in there... you are not alone (although i know that does not help your 5-8 hours). i take lexapro, which helps the stress level and accepting my son's adhd for what it is has helped alot. i dont have the same parenting experience that other moms do... i have stopped comparing and that has helped a lot too. we used to spank and yell and repeat a lot... and now we are quieter and that helps me more than anyone. i try to compare nate only to nate and see the good in him. i am not a single mom and sometimes my husband helps and sometimes he is just another person (adhd adult) to deal with. your efforts are appreciated, your mommy hood is priceless... slow down... take the small success... look for them, theya re there... please wb or email if you need support or to vent... you are not alone :) erindoubek@earthlink.net

BRANC

11/ 4/08 10:51am

God bless your son adhd kids are usually smart and do not feel challenged. Did he get his big brother? Alot of times they just want attention, please do not make him feel you want to give up your rights. I am a guy who has been a big brother to an adhd kid since he was 11. Since I come into his life he is an honor student and does very well and it changed his life. Please let me know update on your son and I will pray for him. Answer this if you can and tell me what is going on.

tonigirl63

11/29/08 2:45am

This sounds just like my story! I would like to get in contact with you for mutual support/encouragement/ideas on how to continue this nightmare of raising children with ADHD. I have 6 and 12 year old sons with ADHD, the 12 year old lives in a group home because of his abusive behavior. Also have a 13 year old with a whole other set of problems. I adopted all three of them, biological brothers and my life has never been the same since. Ended up divorced after 18 years because hubby wasn't supportive and on board. Remarried and now my current husband is very hard on my 6 year old.

Please email me.

abshaker

6/ 8/09 11:19pm

what is their diet?

what do they do all day?

osuprincess

10/12/09 12:10pm

hi my name is nichole and i have a 7 year old son that has had alot of the same behaviors as ur son. he has been kicked out of 3 diffrent schools and multiple daycares.. i do not know what state u live in but i live in oklahoma and i have found a place to help me as being a single mother with 2 children also. the place is called Cedar Ridge Hospital in oklahoma city (405) 605-6111 and tell them u want ur son evaluated for there program. they have a website also. my son has been in this hospital for a lil over a mth it is extremely hard on me and my daughter not being able to see him every day but i have more patience and look forward to our visits instead of dreading picking him up after work. he should be realeased soon. but they have 30<60<90 day programs. ummm there is a test called beam if u havent had him tested try that also. so far my son is severly adhd,autistic,and mentally retarted with an iq of 55 at the age of 7. they also found out through the beam test he was having seizures in frontal lobe which was making him have mood swings. so thats why i suggested that. if u have question u can email me. osuprincess33@aol.com

Marti

10/28/09 3:33pm

My son is 9 years old with ADHD and I have him on a routine schedule that has been working so far; however, he does have his moments when he sits there as if his brain is on lazy mode to where he doesn't seem to know how to use his brain and THINK. Again, putting them on a schedule and diciplining the as needed definitely helps, but it's not to say that you won't still be angry with them or feel like pulling your hair out or wanting to put them up for adoption, etc. You name it I felt it, but no of course I would never do it. It has caused problems in my marriage. My husband and my son are like oil and water. I dicipline my son as needed, but I'm tellin you I get tired of doing that because it's for the same thing all the time. He'll do what he's suppose to do for about a couple of days and then next thing I know he forgets what he's been doing every single day without fail. I'm still learning a few tricks, but taking things away from him doesn't help because he'll find a piece of lint to play with, so all in all I feel your pain.

Alice

4/ 5/10 7:11pm

Well, I wish I had known my son had ADHD when he was younger (we lived in a foreign country where this is not so known) as I surely would have handled everything much differently; I would have even changed his diet, as I've read that any foods (processed especially) containing MSG (has many different names) make it worse. I have several other children so I had to many times neglect my time with his siblings to give him the constant attention his behavior demanded. It was literally hell on earth. My husband would just yell at my son which only made matters worse. My ADHD son is very intelligent, but now that he's an adult, he can't keep a job for long because of his lack of social skills. (and he has a university degree) I always thought the hospital he was born in did something to him. He was born when I was 8 months pregnant and don't know if this has anything to do with it. The best thing is to get this ADHD diagnosed early so solutions can be found.

Q: my adhd son is taking a toll on me, i acn not live this way anymore, help!!

Related Questions

Ask a Question