How would you describe the family life in a home where at least one child had Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD)? Fun, interesting, chaotic, hectic, frustrating, spontaneous, exhausting, or all of the above? Family life can be many things, but rarely is it peaceful. Parents may feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Children with ADHD often try hard to behave but still manage to get into trouble over and over. Siblings might feel neglected, causing resentment, anger and sometimes guilt.
My oldest son has ADHD, as well as other mental illnesses. He required attention beyond that of any of the other children in the household. Altogether, there are four additional children, two from my husband’s previous marriage and two from our marriage together. Raising five children is a feat in itself. Raising a child with special needs is a feat in itself. Putting the two together creates many exhausting days. Homework time with my son could take hours to complete, even when teachers told me homework should only take between a half hour and an hour. Finding the time to help the other children that needed help was sometimes tough.
My son is now out of school and life skills issues still take time away from my youngest children. I love all of my children and their success is important to me. Even so, day after day, time is spent in trying to help my son get his life on track. His needs require my time, energy and attention. When the other children manage to complete their homework without asking for help, I accept it and don’t question their self-sufficiency. When the younger children play quietly by themselves, I welcome the break. But don’t they deserve the same attention as my oldest son?
As easy as it may be to allow siblings to become self-reliant before they are ready, it is not necessarily in their best interest. In speaking with other parents of children with ADHD through a support group I moderated, there are a number of ways in which siblings can act out their frustrations:
Siblings can become self-reliant at an early age, keep to themselves, avoid family activities or become quiet. This can be seen in hesitation to ask for help, even when needed and spending a large amount of time playing by themselves. Some children indicated they felt guilty asking for help because they knew their sibling had special needs.
Siblings can try to be perfect to please adults, including parents, teachers and caregivers. Sometimes siblings will consistently point out what they are doing right, needing affirmation of how good they are.
Siblings can start to do poorly in school or misbehave at home, mimicking the behavior of the child with ADHD. This may be because they see this as a way to get their parents’ attention.
Siblings can demand attention, throw temper tantrums or consistently interrupt their parents. This may be to compensate for feeling as if they are not noticed. If children with ADHD are going through a particularly rough time, requiring additional attention, these types of behaviors in siblings may be intensified.
In many cases, the parents in my support group and I noticed siblings developing feelings of low self-worth, believing they are not as important to their parents and therefore are not worthy of love.
There are a number of strategies that parents can implement in their homes to help siblings overcome these feelings: