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An active 65 yr old husband with Dementia...
Caregiverwife
Tuesday, June 26, 2007 at 09:29 AM -
Re: redhead63 “An active 65 yr old husband with Dementia”
AFA Social Services Team
Friday, July 06, 2007 at 05:04 PMDear redhead63:
Many caregivers experience resistance from their loved ones just as you have described in your husband. There are a variety of reasons why your husband may not want to cooperate with you or listen to your suggestions. These reasons may include fear, pride, a sense of loss or simply a lack of understanding.
The early stages of dementia coincide with the time when individuals with dementia are most likely to refuse your assistance or disagree that anything is wrong. This is partly due to problems recognizing and remembering those days when there were memory troubles and confusion—the proof of the need for your assistance. It may also be partly due to the basic human desire to deny our own losses in ability. The aging process itself can bring about some remarkable behaviors in people who are trying to fight the natural changes that accompany maturation. When illness speeds those changes we tend to fight with all that we’ve got. It is very difficult to move from a state of independence to a state of dependence when we are faced with the fear that we will never regain those abilities and skills that have been surrendered.
Helping a loved one who has dementia but does not appreciate the severity of his or her own impairment is quite a challenge. Your husband may resist your assistance for a long time, but the situation will likely change in the future. Your husband may believe that there is nothing wrong with him, and it is not necessary for you to assist him or impede his independence. Seek other good reasons for your husband to accept your assistance. For example, some people are able to understand that they have been losing some abilities in recent months, and they might be more willing to do something proactive for their own health in order to remain independent for as long as possible. Simply rephrasing the same tasks in this goal-oriented perspective might work.
If your husband disagrees with your suggestions, you might try to propose that he call the AFA toll-free national hotline (866-AFA-8484) to talk about his own concerns and impressions, and ask for advice from a professional. He may be willing to make this call because it is non-threatening, confidential, and the advice can be taken or left.
If there are other family members, such as cousins or siblings of your husband, these people can also try to help. Sometimes a larger group can make an impact in these situations because everyone is expressing sincere concern, love, and support at the same time.
In the worst case scenario, your husband will continue to refuse your help and suggestions over time. You have to know that you tried as best as you could. As an adult, your husband is still able to make decisions, even bad ones. You can only do so much. Your efforts, your kindness and patience, and your affection are wonderful gifts, even if he is not able to accept them or thank you for them. There will probably be a time when the situation changes and your husband is either more willing to get help or there is some sort of pressing need for immediate help. When that time comes, you will still be by his side and you will be ready.
You have also mentioned that your husband is not driving anymore. I am so glad that you are able to do the driving. Should this topic flare up again, as they tend to do, there is some additional information on this topic in a prior SharePost, which you might find to be of interest. Click here to visit that page: http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/2016/10420/ideas-stop/
Lastly, you mentioned that your husband can be verbally abusive. I am so very sorry. There is little I can say to make this situation hurt less. However, please know that such outbursts are extremely common, are likely caused by uncontrollable mood swings, and do not likely represent a true shift in your husband’s feelings toward you as his spouse, partner and friend. Please try to see this behavior as a symptom of his illness, and not as a personal assault. I feel compelled to also suggest that we all have a right to live free from abuse, and I hope that you will reach out for assistance if this verbal abuse becomes detrimental to your well-being or escalates into something more dangerous. I invite you to contact us through email or phone to talk about this subject or others in confidence.
Please do not hesitate to contact AFA in the future for information, referrals, or support. AFA recognizes the enormity of caregiving, and has an array services to help. These include a free caregiver magazine (http://www.alzfdn.org/publications); and a national toll-free telephone support network, Care Connection (http://www.alzfdn.org/services/careconnection.shtml or www.askdrjamie.com).
replyre: Re: redhead63 “An active 65 yr old husband with Dementia”
redhead63
Monday, July 09, 2007 at 08:55 AMThank you so much for your kind words and much needed information. My husband Does indeed drive the car but I ride with him. He also has a motorcycle that he won't give up. But I do believe he is ok to drive at this point. Thank you again. My local support group has also been very helpful.
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I understand
Jen
Sunday, July 08, 2007 at 03:44 PMTo redhead63
I totally understand what you are going through. My husband aged 65 has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers. He has shown symptons for the past 18 months. The patience you and I need is unbelievable, as they could drive us crazy.
I have contacted local AD support group, and my husband has been to a couple of meetings which he enjoyed (if that is the right word). I am nervous about going to the caregiver support meeting as I dont what to hear what is down the road with this desease.
He admits there is something wrong, and doesnt use the phone anymore or Tv remote. He has gone from being 'the life and soul of the party' to hardly being able to put two words together. His vocabulary is so limited now, and he cant keep up with a conversation if there are more than two people.
I do go out and leave him. I play golf and go line dancing. He doesnt seem to mind as long as I'm not away too long. He goes out to play seniors soccer and also his art group. He was a great golfer but is not interested anymore. I think he is depressed at times, so I find things he likes to do to cheer him up. (At times it is like looking after a child).
Like you mine lets me do the driving. I worry when he is driving as his consentration is not good, and I would hate him to have an accident.
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Hello Redhead63,
Yes, I too am married to a man who is in denial about the diagnosis. My husband is 83! and seems to not realize that he is forgetful, can't follow a conversation but, he often tells me I am the cause of his illness, I lied to the dr about his symptoms he is not having a problem with short term memory. As far as driving, he will never stop on his own and I did try to get assistance from his dr with this issue. So, I clearly understand everything you have said and No! you are not alone in this. You have found a wonderful site keep coming and continue to write or ask questions. It helps just to talk about it, I have found that "friends" tend to back away and sometimes "family's" seem to bury their heads when it comes to this disease. Take care and try to find time for yourself!
Peace to you,
Caregiverwife
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