I am the caregiver of my 72 yr old mother I have 4 children and we all reside in her home together. She doesn't think that anything is wrong with her, but of course she does things and forgets immediately. She can never concentrate on getting washed up, she will not take a bath or shower. She refuses to allow someone to come into the home and help her. How can I help her? I'm pulling my hair out at this point.
There are some excellent books such as Richard Taylor's Alzheimer's from the Inside Out and Learning to Speak alzheimer's by Joanne Koenig Coste as well as on-line articles and Newsletters such as Kathy Laurenhue's Wiser now (www.wisernow.com) which have a wealth of useful information. There are support groups, including on-line support groups and I would urge you to join one. It is very important that you find help and support for yourself so you do not become completely overwhelmed. Educate your children about their grandmother's disease process emphasizing that it is not her fault but its the way it is (even though she doesn't realize it or want to admit it to herself or you) and that you all need to adjust to relating to her in a new way. She may be able to play simple card or word games with your younger children and enjoy "teaching" them as my mother-in-law does with her caregiver's daughter. If she enjoys massage have your children give her gentle back rubs. When your mother repeats the same question over and over, divert her mind by changing the subject to something new, asking her a question about your childhood or her long ago past, or asking her to help you with some familiar task such as folding laundry, "dusting," setting the table or looking through old photos to help organize them. Give her one instruction or ask one simple question at a time. Take care of yourself. Get whatever help you can afford.Touch your mom often and tell her you love her often. Best of luck to you and your family on this challenging journey.
Dawn Nelson, author
From the Heart Through the Hands: The Power of Touch in Caregiving
cttrain@jps.net
I must say that I have the highest praise for you, not only for taking care of your mother at home but attempting such a daunting feat while also caring for your children.
My mother is 83 & living in an Assisted Living facility that offers care for Alzheimer's residents. The path we had to take getting her there was not a pleasant one but she's safe, on medication and close to my home.
I'm by no means suggesting that you place your mom in a "home". At the time, it was the best option for my mother. She's been there 3 yrs. now.
The answer for your mom (or you) is not an easy one. Your 1st step should be to contact any & all family that might be willing to help you and see if there is a plan you can all agree on to help your mom. If hiring a caregiver to assist your mother is not an option, she might be more amenable to family helping out, easier said than done ... I know.
Will your mother take medication from you? Aricept is one of the Alzheimer's medications that could possibly help slow down the disease for her. There are others available now. If you research on-line, Alzheimer's medication, then speak to your/her doctor about getting your mom treatment, that may help too.
Legal options ...
It would help you tremendously to also research on-line, "Elder Laws" for the state your mother lives in. Each state may differ in law requirements. You may have to hire a lawyer in order to help your mom. If so, be sure to hire an "Elder Law" lawyer. That's very important should you have to go that route. Don't panic - the cost can be paid through your mother's assets should you not be able to afford the lawyer yourself.
While doing your research, also contact your local Alzheimer's group. They may have a program to fit your needs or be able to guide you to help. In my town, the Alzheimer's group has a "Day Out" program where you can bring the Alzheimer's person for an hour or for the day. They have activities to help them & it gives the caregiver time-off. It has an hourly nominal fee of course.
The other legal option is to have the court appoint you as "Guardian" which would allow you to be legally responsible for her care & welfare, (this is what you'd need if you can't get power of attorney). You may also need to be appointed her "Conservator" which would allow you be responsible for her assets. In protection of your mother, you would be accountable to the courts yearly.
There may be other options out there but I'm speaking from my own personal experiences which were influenced by the state my mother lived in.
Your plea for help pulled at my heart. Your mother's actions are so similar to what my mom was doing, while living in her house alone (with her dog). She too suffered the constant "forgetfulness" and refused help. My mother's situation unfortunately, accelerated to 3 small car accidents, 3 burnt tea kettles that she'd forgotten she'd put on the stove, some seriously disturbing delusions & trusted no one. Her problems accelerated to the point where I was so utterly frustrated & frightened for her, yet couldn't get help, including from my brother. The courts & police would not help, just kept pointing fingers to one another. It finally came down to me having to go to the Probate Court and demand that they do something for her. They finally agreed, arranged for the police to physically remove her from her home (which was the most heart wrenching, dehumanizing scene) & placed her in a hospital for diagnosis & medication.
The elder lawyer I hired started the Guardian/Conservatorship process for me while I had to rush to find a home to place my mother into. That was an education in itself.
I still feel guilty that I don't take care of my mom in our own home but that just wasn't a feasible option. Fortunately, the Assisted Living home is within 15 mins. from me & I visit her often, including taking her out for the day at least once a week. The Aricept medication appears to have somewhat helped her memory loss slow down a bit. Her health is good but her memory is now definetly showing signs of progression. The last 2 months my mom has sometimes not recognized me until I told her who I was. Then she gets very excited & happy. (On the other hand, she's resurrected all of our dead family & relatives in her mind. There are times when I feel like I'm visiting the "Twilight Zone" when talking with her.)
I love my mom so very much and still enjoy her company, including her unique conversations! She was always a very independent, strong, hard working & determined woman with a good heart & sense of humor. She strives very hard to still be that strong, independent woman and, thank God, still has that sense of humor.
I hope my information & experiences have somewhat helped you. Don't ever feel that you are alone in this. There are free support groups out there along with the Alzheimer's Association. Medication will also help but there may be a period of trial & error till the right one & amount is found. Try not to stress too much. There is help out there - just don't give up. (And of course, God's helping you even though it doesn't feel that way - just trust in Him.) It won't be easy but life will get better.
I see it has been four months since you wrote to this site. The suggestions given by the first three responders are excellent ones. I do hope you have heeded their advice and that life with Mom has gotten a little easier. My family has to deal with me and my vascular dementia. Thankfully, they do it with a lot of humor; we laugh about my silliness and antics...even my lack of memory is taken in stride... for the most part. I am sure there are days that my husband gets exasperated as I jump from thing to thing. The most important thing--after the doctor's visit and getting any extended family help you can--is to treat her with the utmost respect and dignity. Allow her to make decisions as much as is possible; you may have to limit the choices so as to not overwhelm her. Don't "mother" her until you really have to; allow her the dignity of being YOUR mom for as long as you can. I know it is not easy. Just enjoy every moment you can. Thank you for subscribing to my post. I sincerely hope I can be of help and encouragement to you and your family in the future! Please feel free to comment or ask questions whenever you have the need. God bless you all.
Leah
Venise, I just read your current post. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you have joined a support group or continue to check this website frequently for help dealing with the many issues that arise on your journey with your mom's Alzheimer's disease. The accusations are also often part of the dementia process. When one can't remember where she put things or what she just did, she often "blames" someone for taking items. It is not that she is intentionally lying. She is just trying to make sense of her world. Her world has become a scary and frightening place to her. She needs reassurance and your love. Try not to take things personally. I know that can be extremely difficult, especially when you are with her 24/7. Do you have any support or other family members who can help out and give you a break from time to time? Caring for four children is difficult enough without adding in the stress of caring for your mother. Please read all you can on Alzheimer's and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Just take one day at a time and know there are people who care.
Sandy
Featuring Content From:
By using this service, you accept our Terms of Use. Please read them. The consumer health information on is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. You should promptly seek professional medical care if you have any concern about your health, and you should always consult your physician before starting a fitness regimen. Copyright © 2012 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
How was your mother diagnosed with Alzheimer's? Has she seen a doctor for a thorough checkup? The forgetting is an integral part of Alzheimer's disease. She is not trying to be obstinate-she may think she has already showered today for expample. Since concentration is an issue for her, break tasks down in to simple steps. Don't overwhelm her with too many things to do at once. Try suggesting "let's go wash your face this morning" instead of " go wash up, get dressed, and and come down for breakfast". It is easy to get lost in the task when too many things are requested at once. The key is to simplify, simplify, simplify. You might also add labels to drawers, closets, etc. to help her find things. Try to establish a regular routine which will help too.
Check out local support groups in your area. There you will be able to see that you are not alone, as well as receiving insight and suggestions on how to deal with issues that come up. I hope these ideas help.
Yes she's seen the doctor and he told her, but she swears he didn't and doesn't have the disease. She states, " I ain't no damn fool". This is what they called it in Missississippi back in the old days that if someone had it, they were crazy or psycho, lost their mind you know. We get cussed out for saying it, she even lies on us, last week she told my dad that we were in the room talking about her, we looking at each other like, "what?" cus that's not what she went to his house for, she origianlly went to tell him to get her another door key, but she had those in the door already. Go figure.
She lies on us alot and I just dont want her lying to get us kicked out of the house. No one else in the family will care for her.