No where to turn

By Holly Summers Saturday, October 03, 2009

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I live in Florida and my parents live in Ohio. My mom was diagnosed about 3 years ago. In the past year she has gone downhill quick. When she talks she doesn't make sense anymore. My parents are visiting me now and it has been hard for me but my dad still doesn't seem to understand everything he should be doing for her. I feel my mom is not getting the best care from him but what can I do? He is doing better since the last time I saw them. My kids are 8 and 4 and can't really understand why my mom does some of theings she does. I am always upset when they go home or we leave their house because living so far away I don't know what is going on everyday. I have 3 brothers but they seem like they don't care. One brother even lives with them and doesn't help them out at all. I keep trying to get my dad to move closer to me but he just won't do it. My mom doesn't take all her pills very well. She chews them up. We've tried yogurt or applesauce but she still chews them. Does anyone have any suggetions for this? When I'm around I try to talk to her but the last few times I've seen her she does not make sense about anything. Is there anything I can do to help? I feel so helpless!!! Thanks for listening.

Comments (11) | Add comment

10/ 3/09 2:41pm

Holly,

I am sorry your Mom has dementia. I guess your Dad is trying the best to care for her. It is very difficult to take care of a dementia person esp. if she is in moderate/severe stage. My father-in-law has moderate/severe Alzheimer's. He has always chewed his pills. He used to be an MD PhD but he just chews pills. I chew pills too because of my surgery when I was 19 (less space to swallow for me.) Anyway, for whatever reason, you cannot force her to swallow pills and you just need to put the pills in the sause or yogurt and she will chew the pills. For some capsules, the pharmacy may recommend to open it up and pour the powder over the food and give it to her.

You cannot expect her to swallow the pills, not to mention the dementia patient will have harder time to swallow food in the future at late stage.

You can just put the pills in the sauce or food and give it to her. She does not even have to know these are medications. (My FIL knows it but he does not know which pill is what.)

Usually women are natural caregivers so maybe you can try to find a professional home health care caregiver or nurse to come to see her sometimes and bathe her. She would not be very clean unless the caregivers help her. A professional caregiver or home care nurse will show you how to take care of her.

If your Dad really cannot take care of her properly due to his old age and etc (this is normal for many couples), you should find out if you can get a caregiver to care for her. Living with her yourself is good idea but you will need some caregivers to help you or you will get very exhausted.

Take care,

Nina

Holly Summers

10/ 5/09 6:33am

Thank you for your comments. it is nice to know their are other people who understand.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

10/ 3/09 3:40pm

I'm glad you came here to talk. I would call your local Alzheimer's group for some guidance. Most supply training and all give information that can help you and help your dad. This is very hard. Don't try to handle it without education and support.

take care,

Carol

Holly Summers

10/ 5/09 6:35am

I've contacted the alzheimer's association in my parents area and received all the information and shared this with my dad. He seems reluctant to do anything. Thanks for you suggestions.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

3/29/10 8:47am

That is too bad. Social Services has some "teeth" in the law, if the situation is bad enough. Only you can judge whether it's bad enough to call them in.

Good luck. You are faced with a very disturbing situation.

Carol

10/ 4/09 5:12pm

Dear Holly,

You mentioned that your kids don't know what is going on with their grandma. I think it would help if you check this video below out:

http://www.hbo.com/alzheimers/grandpa-do-you-know-who-i-am.html

I got this link from Dorian Martin's answers in the question area.

Good luck,

Nina

Bill Hirdman

10/ 4/09 5:19pm

Nice to meet you, my name is Bill.

I just want to comment on the making sense in a conversation part of your post. If and when you find the part that makes sense of any of this, (ANY).... Please fill me in. I have been to countless seminars trying to help myself and mom. What i learned when comunicating is that it is not about what you want to talk about most of the time and even though your loved one with Alzheimers doesn't make "sense" it makes sense to give them the respect and listen to them and respond to them as if they did or are making sense! Does this make sense??? lol No matter what, dont tell them they are wrong for thinking what they are thinking..they dont and wont know the difference. This is more harder on the caregiver than the loverd one with AD....

Trust me on this that we all have ideas on what works for us.. accept all the info as one day somebody just might have the idea that will work for you.. I know this to be true for me and I thank everyone for helping me care for my mom "and myself".

HUGS to you my friend

Holly Summers

10/ 5/09 6:32am

Thanks for your comments. My mom used to work in a nursing home and sometimes she would take me there on her days off so we could talk to the residence. She always would hold their hands and talk to them even if they couldn't really respond to her. So, I just want the same for her but I don't think she is getting it when I'm not around. I tried to make my brothers understand this but it is hopeless. My dad isn't a very patient man and I don't think he will ever be a patient man. My mom was a talker and I really miss that. We could talk for hours about everything. I want her to have the best possible care but it is hard since I live so far away.

Carol Bradley Bursack, Health Guide

10/ 5/09 7:15am

My heart goes out to you. You are right that there are not enough care workers who have the time to spend giving the kind of close care your mom needs. It's sad. The culture change people are trying to change nursing homes, but it is a slow process and doesn't help you right now. Take care. You are a wonderful daughter and you mom knows you are there in spirit.

Carol

10/ 5/09 10:47am

Holly, I am sorry that your Dad and brothers are not able to understand the whole thing. Maybe you need to bring in some professional caregiver or home care nurse to talk to your Dad about this. Let him understand what is best for your Mom and it is not his own way. It would be difficult to move her to your state but looks like you are the best caregiver for her now as you know what is the best thing for her. Sometimes nursing home may work but the caregiving is not one-on-one.

I hope your male relatives will get to understand this sooner before it is too late.

Take care,

Nina

SinkingFast

3/29/10 7:53am

I'm sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble. I do know what you're going through as my mother passed away from pnemonia, a side effect of being in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. My father was also in complete denial. He was sure mom would get better one day and kept her at home and did the best he could. He wouldn't listen when I tried to talk to him about things he'd need to know. You might think about contacting social services in the county where your parents live. Do a search for adult protection county state and you should be able to find a contact. If you can get them involved, they will check on your parents regularly and let you know or try and get your brother to assume some responsibility. I don't know your brother and hesitate to mention this, but many adult children live at home as a preference rather than out of necessity and can't be counted on for much help. Unfortunately daughters have to become the care takers. I wish you the best of luck. Check back and let us know how things are going.

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