I am new to this, but the time has come that I just need to share and hear from other people like me. I am at my wits end, and I know that this person that is inhibiting my mothers body is not her. She has gone in to decline much faster than I expected. She refuses any type of medications. And yesterday I lost it with her. I just had to get up from the dinner table and go to my room and cry. Please tell a type A person how to stay calm .
Hello. I'm new to this, too. It sounds like your hands are too full, and you could use some support. My mother, who is probably somewhere between stages 4-5, is now living with me. I used to blame myself a lot for not responding properly when she would seem to become petulant. But now I realize that it does no good to blame yourself. Leaving the frustrating circumstance, as it sounds like you are doing, sounds like an okay response, so that you don't respond in anger with your Mom. I'd like th say that if your mother's negativity worsens at night-time, that might be a pattern you might want to watch. I have begun to get used to my mother's behaviors, and now, I do notice that my mother begins to get irritable as the sun goes down. It's not quite sundowners, which I witnessed with my father's dementia, but instead a clear sense of frustration with nearly anything I do. She is fine with my spouse. Sufficient reading has helped me become more patient with the situation. But, perhaps as with you, I do find it both frustrating and hurtful that I'm working so hard for her, and she seems to become abusive just when I'm most tired (after work, at the end of the day). My spouse helps a lot, and he, too, has begun to cue into the pattern that seems to be emerging. You need some help, it seems to me. I would not be able to have my mother, were I alone. She is too difficult for me to handle alone. I hope you will do okay as the weeks and months go on. This site is a helpful resource. I feel less alone while facing this situation with my mother.
We live in a very remote rural area, so there's not much support here, that's why I need this website. My Mom refuses to see a doctor. She realizes she is forgetful and loses things and all the other stuff that goes with it. She has a sister who in in the final stage and I know this scares her even more. When her sister started with the meds, it was probably too late, therefore she says the meds don't work.
I have no help. My husband is as helpless as me, but he is supportive. Right now she refuses to come and even spend the night with me. She thinks someone will break into her house, and she is totally unable to stay alone and she won't let anyone come stay with her.
I live about twenty miles away. I check on her daily and if I am not able to see to her, I ask a neighbor check one her. I just don't know what else to do. She is really combative with me. Everybody sees this and says what are you going to do? I just don't know what to do. Just one day at a time
Yes, it is one day at a time. I would think that the social services people in her county could check on her and try to get some help.
Living in rural areas can make it hard to find help. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. I'd go to your state's Web site (or her's if she is across state lines) and look under aging services. They should have some Family Caregivers Support Program funds and offer help, training and advice. Look for the contact information and see what help there is, locally.
Carol
You do have your hands full. Nice to know your husband's a good support for you. How does your mother function on her own? Can she cook for herself?
My mother is aware that my uncle (her older brother) was diagnosed with alzheimers at age 90, and he lived to age 98. This helped me talk with her, initially, about her diagnosis. Does your mother not respond to discussions about alzheimers except in fear or avoidance? Sometimes when the Aricept ads come on TV, my mother will ask, "Is this the drug that I am taking?" She'll say, "Oh, okay," well before I get the answer out. So I gather your mother is avoiding her situation, by comparison. I don't know how I'd handle that.
My sisters and I used to help my mother live on her own, but what we were doing was a bandaid effort, I realize now. (I used to cook up dinners for her in advance. I'd freeze them, and she could take them out and microwave them or heat them on the stove. I live 3 hours' drive from where she was living in her own home.) We ought to have looked into the root causes of her growing failure of memory. My mom's willing enough to go to the doctor. It was her fear of hospitals that made her agree to go to the doctor, actually. I guess we sort of worked on her, knowing what her fears were.
You live far enough away that having your Mom in her own home must be very hard on you and potentially dangerous to your Mom if she should, for instance, get locked outside her home on a cold day. I hope you'll continue to let us know how things are going for you.
Hi JV Viers,
Is your Mom getting better? How are things going now? Is she still home alone?
There was a time when my FIL was alone as well (Oct. 2004 to Oct 2005). It was about 1 year before the neighbor intervened. She told my husband to get someone to check him out everyday because my FIL had dementia and was behaving forgetfully. He was not diagnosed with Alzheimer's yet at that time. We took the hard way to get someone to care for him. He refused the caregivers himself until we forced and told him the neighbor will get mad and calls the social worker. It is not the neighbors' job to go that far to watch out for some neighbor who has SERIOUS dementia. So the right thing to do is to get a caregiver yourself or some relative to stay there overnight with her. Or if she is not so bad, get a caregiver to be with her part-time. Eventually she will need 24 hours attention.
Now my FIL is going to an assisted living facility for Alzheimer's this summer.
I hope things are better now.
I know it is hard but everyone is different. Good luck!
Nina
My Mom seems to have stablized within the last month or so. I know it won't last, But I take what I get and go with the flow. It sometimes works to talk to her and sometimes she just gets mad. That's when I got it. One day at a time. Also my daughters ( I have two ) have seen the really bad times, and they have helped me alot. They go to check on her when they can.
Thanks for your support, and I'm sure I'll be needing it ALOT in the future
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This is too much for you to handle alone. Your mom's world has totally changed for her, and that has changed your own world. It sounds as if she has dementia. I would call your local Alzheimer's association and ask for help. They have information for you, and probably substantial support.
Please keep coming back here, too. Know that you aren't alone and that many people share your distress.
As for staying calm with her, it often helps to just go with her notions if they aren't harmful. How she views the world is as real to her as your reality is to you. Often, just agreeing and moving on, or distracting her from what she is saying or doing, will help.
If she hasn't seen a doctor lately, she may need medication adjustments. And a support group would be good for you. You maybe should see your own doctor about your stress. Caregivers suffer from great stress and often depression. Don't let this affect your health, and please don't let guilt over inappropriate responses eat you up.
Seek to learn, get respite help so you can get away when you need to. You were right about going to another room, by the way. Even that can help.
Please keep coming back for support, here.
Carol