Great Love For Mom

Sabrina, thank you so much for sharing what is happening with your mom.  This disease is never easy and really can take your loved one away even when she is still here.

Also I just wanted to note I am not a medical professional, just one of the community contributors.   

If you want to read more about the disease you can review some of the information on our site.  The Alzheimer's Basics section might provide you with some general details of the disease. You might also look to some of our information on Caregiver's - you need support too!

As well, I am forwarding your post to our experts and will have them reply directly.

Thanks again and stay strong. SMM

Hi, Sabrina,

I totally understand what you are going through. Like you, my mom was my best friend. And like you, I didn't know how to handle that transition from the Mom that I had known all my life to the Mom who had Alzheimer's who often didn't act like the person I had known and respected for over 40 years.

So how to handle it? First of all, I totally agree with SMM. Read up on Alzheimer's on this website. The other book that helped me understand what was going on was "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins. They really break down for you what the disease does, how it may affect your loved one, and what you can do for your Mom, for your family, and for you.

As hard as it is, you need to be aware that your mother will react differently, both to people she doesn't know as well as to you, now that she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The hardest part is accepting that, but if you are able to figure out how to see her as she now is (as opposed to how you wish she still was), you'll be able to provide better assistance to your mother, and also maintain your own mental and emotional stability.

Also, as far as the locked unit is concerned, that may not be a bad thing. My mom was placed in one early on. Yes, I was horrified, but I also realized that my mother was a "flight risk" (in other words, she might try to escape the facility and with her memory loss, could quickly find herself in real danger). Plus, the nursing staff in the locked facility (for the most part) had a better understanding of what happens with residents who have dementia and how to handle the outbursts. I learned a lot by watching them interact with the residents.

Please also realize that even though your mom doesn't live with you, you are being a great daughter by taking care of her at her nursing home. And you are to be commended for spending as much time as you can with her. The sad part about Alzheimer's is that there isn't a straight decline....some days your Mom will be more like herself, and sometimes she won't know you. So be prepared for a long journey and don't assume that she's going to die soon. But by spending time with her, you get to see her during her best days and can know in your heart that you are ensuring she has the best care (both by you and by the nursing home) that she can have.

Take care! Good luck! And keep in touch!

Dorian

Sabrina, it sounds bewildering to hear reports about a person who does not behave like the mother you know and love. Please know that the disease is responsible, not her, and that your ongoing expressions of love to her are not wasted. She is going through a stage that some but not all persons with dementia experience, in which anxiety causes her to be very reactive to stimuli. Some discomfort that might be hardly noticed by you triggers outbursts, like the burr under the saddle of a horseman. One strategy to alleviate this problem would be to smooth her environment-eliminating rough stimuli. That would be impractical, because continuous one-on-one care would be required. Another strategy would be to consult with her medical doctor about the reported behavior and ask whether new medication would make sense. Meanwhile, we endorse reading more about the disease in order to better know what is going on with her. We strongly recommend that you participate in a support group, where other caregivers will listen to you and also share care tips and strategies that have worked for them. Our social workers can help you find a convenient group near you. AFA also hosts a telephone support network, enabling caregivers to join in a live conversation each Thursday evening via toll-free conference call. For more information about Care Connection, visit http://www.alzfdn.org/services/careconnection.shtml.