Valentine's Day

Many caregivers barely have time to breathe let alone get excited about a holiday that many believe was created by Hallmark and Hershey.  Valentine's Day embraces the tradition of taking time out of our busy lives to tell those we love how much they mean to us.  Often, as Alzheimer's progresses, many couples find that intimacy is extremely difficult.

I once assisted a couple who had been married for forty nine years when I met them.  The wife called me in tears because her husband's aggression towards her was becoming more difficult each day.  When I met them at their home, she left me alone to talk with him for a while and he said to me, "That woman is kind and she makes a great meatloaf, but she's not my wife.  I don't think my wife will come back as long as that woman is here."    He no longer recognized her as his wife.  He believed that he was in his mid thirties and thought his wife was that age as well.  When he looked at her he only saw an old woman he didn't know.

I helped this family place "George" into the Alzheimer's Center where I worked.  He adjusted quite easily, which surprised us.  When his wife came to visit he recognized her every time.  Eventually we discovered that he believed he was in boot camp.  He had written his wife many long letters expressing his love and dedication to her.

He would light up when she walked into the room to visit.  She would come by to see him every other day.  He would get the biggest smile on his face whenever he spoke of his "Mary."  Each time she visited she had a "plan of the day."  She would bring an activity kit, a snack, a scrapbook, or some type of task that they could work on together.   If something wasn't working at the house, she would tell him about it and ask his advice.  It didn't matter if his advice was nonsensical or not appropriate.  What mattered was that Mary gave George a chance to have a purpose.  To Mary it was important that she always recognized that he was her husband and that she was his wife. 

Attachment is as important to someone with Alzheimer's as it is when a person is very young.  Mary understood that it was important for their marriage as well as for George's well being to continue to provide the attachment they both needed.  Even towards the final stage of Alzheimer's George knew his wife and could express his love for her in nonverbal looks and smiles.