My mother-in-law lives with us

By Karen Monday, February 19, 2007

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My m-i-l moved in with us in October 06. She's 96, soon to be 97 and has been widowed for almost 40 years. My hubby always had a troubled relationship with her, and now she's here with us. She doesn't want to be, she wants to go home. She can't live by herself anymore, and there is no one else to care for her. My husband seems to be disinterested in doing the things that need to be done to make her (and our) lives more comfortable. He puts off calling to make appointments for a doctor. Only after I nag and nag him and tell him all the details of who, what, where, when and how to call will he finally do something. It would have been easier to do it myself, but I resent having to do it. I just went through 4 years watching my Dad die from cancer and I'm just not up to it. After all, it's HIS mother....and my big concern is if he can't do this for her...what's he going to be like if I get sick and need care.

I don't want to gripe to faceless people on the internet, but I can't share these concerns with my OWN family. They would think he's being terrible....and he's not really terrible, but his mother is really difficult to live with. They are both so negative, and he ignores her and she complains, and he turns the TV up so he can't hear her. I'm going crazy!

Thankfully, we finally did get an appointment with a dr. this week, so I HOPE we will find some help there. We have to be sneaky in order to get her to the appointment, however. She refuses to go to the dr...."I'm not sick" she says. I'm also worried about the financial considerations of her living with us. He needs to take her to an attorney to resolve some of those issues, but again...nothing done yet.

She has insurance, but we need answers to important questions.

AAAGGGHHH! Sorry for the blast! Tomorrow will be a better day.

Comments (10) | Add comment

Anonymous

3/ 2/07 11:43am

hi there. no, it's good to gripe every once in a while. and it's good to see that there are other people like you and me, with these kinds of responsibilities. stay strong!

Anonymous

3/ 2/07 4:41pm

Venting here is safe and good for you. We all need to have a safe place to say what we feel, even if we aren't always proud of the way we feel. Caregivers are under huge amounts of stress, and need to tell others who understand. It lightens the load just a bit. You've got your hands full. I hope the doctor can help a bit. You should get some pointers on your next step.

Take care of yourself.

Carol

Karen

3/ 3/07 10:32pm

Thanks for your comments and thoughts. The Dr's appointment was quite an experience...she was very angry about being there, told the dr she didn't like him, said his questions were stupid, wanted to know why "she" (me) was there. But, the good thing is that he recognized her symptoms and did prescribe a medication that has reduced her anxiety. Getting her to take it is another thing! But we continue on!

Dorian Martin, Health Guide

3/11/07 8:35pm

I found that at one point my brother and I couldn't get any movement from my father in dealing with my mother's mental issues and his tendency toward procrastination. One of the biggest helps to me was to go to counseling. Talking to a professional who wasn't a friend or family member helped me get good advice as to how to handle on the situation, including what I was willing to do and what I wasn't willing to do to resolve it. This professional also helped me explore tactics and strategies to deal with my parents during this difficult time. I would strongly encourage you to find a professional (whether a member of the clergy or a licensed counselor) to talk to so you can come up with some ways to deal with your mother-in-law as well as your husband's response (or lack of response) during these difficult times.

Good luck!

Dorian

Karen

3/11/07 10:27pm

Thanks, I have given that a lot of thought, esp. because I think I never had a chance to fully grieve the passing of my father...and now this...we are trying to find an evening group to attend. Thanks for you help.

Another Karen

3/27/07 6:07pm

I have been placed in the position of caring for my husbands granddmother. She will be 90 next month. I have the support of my husband but none from her 2 children or other grandchildren. My husband works and so the mother load of the work is on my shoulders. My friends have all but quit calling and I've had to limit all of my activities. On top of that my husband and I just had the last of our kids move out and within a week Grandma moved in. ( so much for all the things I was going to do when the kids moved). I have really good days and really bad days. We have a good church family and today I found this site. God Bless You and all the others who have found theirselves in similiar situations.

Karen

3/27/07 10:04pm

Hi Karen,

Just posting on this site has given me help in knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this, and that it does help to keep your send of humor. I'm learning about help in the community, and while, we realize that we're not going to get a vacation together THIS year, we can look forward to it next year. We'll be more settled with what is going on with her, and will know more about our resources within the community. Check with your local county department of aging, or the local Alzheimers Assoc....they know where to look.

Come back again!

Diane

12/17/07 4:31pm

My mother in law moved in shortly after a fall. She was physically able to take care of herself but was by herself and lonely and since she doesn't drive wasn't getting out much. Shorly after she moved in we noticed she was getting more tired, complaining about hearburn, armpain...She had a few heart tests that didn't show anything..But finally a few months later after really struggling around the house we went to the emergency and did all the tests and discovered block arteries. She was already living with us which made the transition of coming home easier. I wasn't working at the time so it was obvious I would be responsible for her rehab and helping her out. We made it through that okay. I was glad to help...Since getting past that...I noticed this forgetfulness, struggling with things like the microwave, repeating herself and they say that memory loss is normal after heart surgery's.. So we tried to explain this to her and she doesn't think she has any memory problem and what has happened is that she has sort of putting all the blame on me for all of the misunderstandings...Things like telling her instuctions many times and then when I get upset, she wonders why I'm snapping. I always apologize of course but I have literaly had to take the blame for all the misunderstandings and I am the one with the problem...not her. She thinks things are broke when they are not..Doesn't shut the door and it stays open, but she didn't do it...Spills things..She didn't do it...I am frustrated because I feel guilty being upset at her and getting angry...How do people do this day after day...I am only 41 and have two teenage girls..My husband hates his job and is frustrated with work and his mom, but I am with her all day. She's only 77 and she thinks she's 60. She has a weak hip and is supposed to be doing physical therapy for that and after 3 weeks she thinks she's cured and can do the same excersies at home and she'll be fine. She hates excersizing so what's the chance she'll do this...Not much.. My grandma took care of my grandpa for several years with Altzheimers and I don't know how she did it. Any suggestions?

Christine

2/29/08 8:37pm

Diane,

My life sounds so much like yours. I am also 41 and last week my pre-teen daughters were on Feb. vacation with me--relaxing. By Thursday, I was caregiver for my mother-in-law and healthcare proxy for her sister. I noticed "the aunt" having trouble speaking and offered to take her to the hospital. It turned out to be a brain tumor. There is also cancer in other places. Worst part, she is care giver for her sister (my mother-in-law) who has alzheimer's (who is only 75 and has already shown signs for 15 years). Now the aunt is in rehab and my mother-in-law is sleeping in my dining room. My children are getting so rebellious. I have been leaving my girls alone for 4 hours at a time while I do all the paper work and admitting for the aunt. I have just started a new career and have already called in sick more often than my own husband. My husband told me I was cruel when I explained her symptoms and how critical her forgetting is. His only brother is in Atlanta and hasn't called in 2 1/2 years. I phoned him and he told me "I" had some hard decisions to make. I feel so used. My mother in law never really liked me. Why me? One small piece of paper and I wouldn't even be related to anyone anymore. My parents have been supportive but they are getting angry with his expectations. I feel so lost. Sorry. I must be tired.

shane

6/18/08 9:23pm

I am 31 with a 3 year old daughter. My mother is 65 and has been living with alzheimers for almost 10 years. The most dramatic slip has occurred in the last few months. She was a VP of investment banking for a major bank (that was a very long time ago). She was smart and always very quick with a joke. She is now angry at everyone, me, my dad, anyone around. She can't take any of the fancy alzheimers drugs because of the side effects. Right now we live across town from each other. I'm trying to figure out a living situation that will work but all seems lost on my dad. I know full well that he is desperately trying to keep his head above water and I don't want to add to his stress. Sadly I don't come bearing much advice for you. I am filled with questions myself. Though if I may add just this on your situation-as you all to well know, dealing with this disease is painfull. Having to watch your mother disapear is awful. It is much easier to stay away and allow someone else to do the heavy lifting. I am not even sugjesting that your husband is knowingly doing this. I catch myself distancing myself from my mother from time to time. You are right to be resentful. And I'm sure you already understand the pain your husband is going through, you went through this with your own father. You need a break and its time for hubby to step up and take care of business :).

Good luck

My mother-in-law lives with us

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